• Published 5th Nov 2013
  • 1,649 Views, 55 Comments

How I Screwed Up Equestria - Quicksear

An Irishman falls into Equestria, and slowly, everything starts to horribly wrong.

  • ...

Chapter Five

Twilight Sparkle had tried to set a dragon on me!

As I wandered through the dense undergrowth, I muttered evil curses under my breath. She had lured me with the promise of a good breakfast, only to be nearly burned alive by that prehistoric beast! I should have known her taking me out into the dense, sparsely populated forest would not end well. And she tried to tell me that that dragon was her helper Spike. Yeah right, anyone could see straight through that!

It made sense, in a twisted sort of way, that Twilight would be trying to kill me. If sending humans back to Earth just invited even more here, and keeping them around wasn’t an option, why not just kill them off in the woods with a walking zippo?

Given though, when I slowed down to think about it, that dragon wasn’t the most threatening creature. I mean, He was only two feet tall. But if he could instantly vaporize a potato, what kind of damage could he do to me? I wasn’t sticking around to find out.

So, the Everfree Forest. Twilight had warned me that this place was pretty much like Earth, just more malevolent. So, like Eastern Europe, then. Only, it’s also a thick dense jungle filled with strange monsters. After a bit of questioning the previous evening I had come to the conclusion that is was in fact a Greek-themed Bolivia inhabited by spiteful pixies. After the fifth vine dropped down and tripped me, I was preparing to meet the cannibal tribe in togas.

The sun had swung to right above me by the time I reached the top of a defile. Shafts of light speared straight down into the loam and lit my way down to the bottom of the hill, where a bright patch between the trees indicated a clearing. Thanks to my boy scout training, I could see the obvious! I scrabbled down through the brown loam and slid to a stop at the treeline. Before me stretched groves upon groves of apple trees.

Good god I need to get out of here.

With that thought in mind, I turned right on around and walked straight into a Stetson.

“Gosh sakes, there y’are!”

Applejack, huh? I took a deep lungful of air and…she shoved an apple in my mouth.

“I warned ya ta keep yer mouth shut back at the farmhouse. Don’t tempt me.”


“So where is the hayseed did’ja think you were goin’, ya edjit?! Yer stuck ‘tween tha Everfree an’ us!” She gave me a searching look, then sighed and pulled her Stetson low over her eyes, “Look, Ah yer time in Ponyville ain’t bin the greatest, even by human standards, but ya cain’t really ‘uve thunk the Everfree would be a safe place to run to?”

“Well lessee here,” I drawled, “While in your Ponytown-“


“Whatever, I got kicked in the head tazed, tied upside down, kicked in the gut, stared at and fed a horrible breakfast. Then I get led on to think I’ll get a potato, only to get attacked with a dragon. In the forest, I had to flick a beetle off my shoulder and jump over a few vines. So yeh, forest fer me.”


Appejack and I shared a look. “Wot the bloody ‘ell was that?”

“The reason y’all stay next to us’ns at all times,” She breathed.

Thump Thump

“Yer barn sounds real friendly about now.” I added

“Ah bet it does.”

Thump Thump Thump

“So wot do we do then?”

She gave me the nod. “Y’all carry on as usual.”

Wonderful. Back to screaming and running.

‘Dunno about you, But Ah’m goin’ THIS’A’WAY!” Applejack made good her escape.

“Right with ya, lass!” And I made good mine.

Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump


“Seriously, wot is that thing?!” I gasped in between dodging branches and apples falling from the sheer shockwave the thing behind us was making. I tried to remember the names of a few of the creatures Twilight had mentioned; “A manticore?!”

Applejack kept her head down and ran. “Worse. Fer you at least.”

“A dragon, then?” I suggested.

“Nope! Worse.”

“Then what? Wot exactly is it that is goin’ to eat my alive in an apple orchard?!”

Behind us, in the wrecked path we were leading, echoed a soft but deep and ever so whiny voice, “AJ…!”

Her face blanched. “Mah brother.”


“Rarity! You’re back, thank Celestia!”

“Luna, as it happens,” Rarity replied drolly, “It’s good to finally find you Twili-“

The white unicorn was cut off by a pair of purple hooves around her barrel, “No time, flying!”

“Eeeep!” Rarity voiced her displeasure. By that point she was fifteen feet in the air though, so she refrained from struggling.

“Should…”Fluttershy blinked nervously, “Should we follow them?”

Pinkie nodded excitedly. Fluttershy cautiously took to the wing and lifted her friend along with her.

“Woooo, I'm flying!” Pinkie cheered, even though her rear hooves still dragged in the dirt.

Meanwhile, Rarity was doing her best to scream in a ladylike manner; “Aaaaah Twilight put me down I have bad experiences with flying this will not be ending well why are we going to Sweet Apple Acres - and is that Rainbow Dash?”

Twilight failed to respond.


“Wot in the bloody ‘eck are you on about?!” I shouted at Applejack galloping beside me. I could tell she wasn’t going at top speed; she was keeping with me. I pressed a little faster.

Behind us, a vast red form flashed in between the branches, crashing all in it’s path.

“Come on AJ, let me have half an hour!”

“Sure thing,” She shouted back, “How about with that Psychiatrist I mentioned?!”

“A minute!”

“Ya need HELP!”

The exchange ended with a resigned snort behind us. The crashing failed to go away though, until Applejack removed her hat with a flick of her head, caught the ragged doll within, and tossed the plush toy over her shoulder, all before casually jumping perfectly back under her falling hat.

“Now what was tha’?” I choked.

Behind me; “Smarty Paaaants!”

Applejack’s lips formed a line sharper than a mobster’s trouser crease, “Our salvation. Now c’mon, we’ll hunker down in tha tree house!”

I few more minutes found me scrambling up a ramp into a pony(not human)-friendly airborne stable that Applejack referred to as the treehouse. I nearly gagged at the girly aura the place gave off, full of glitter, paint and worst of all, pink; next to green, the worst colour in existence. Applejack noticed me crouching in the entrance, face twisted at the sight. She immediately apologized, “May sister an’ ‘er friends use this as their clubhouse, what else d’ya think it would look like? Grow up.”

Okay, so not so much apologized and reprimanded, but I took it as a victory all the same. “Okay then. Now, dy’a wanna explain to me just what exactly yer brother wuz chasin’ us’ns through yer apple orchard?”

Applejack was immediately uncomfortable at the question. Rubbing one hoof against another, she slowly started, “Well, Mah brother, Big Mac? He’s…well, him and a few other ponies ‘round town are…” With a sigh, she dropped her head, “He’s a ‘skinny’, okay?”

I blinked, sitting on a patch of glitter. “Say that agin, will ya?’

“A ‘skinny’?” She prompted, “As in…he seems ta have a ‘thing’ fer y’all. Humans, I mean.”



Oh God…

“Gah!” I shouted, throwing my hands in the air, “Just wot sotra twisted world is this, anyway, where a man can’t take a walk in the woods without bein’ accosted?”

I would think of Liverpool a little later.

“Well, if y’all heard half the things some o’ your’n have spouted all over town ya wouldn’t be half as surprised,” She shot right back, “Now will ya keep it down, he might hear you. An’ I’d rather keep you away from mah brother, fer his sake an’ yours.”

“How tha hell does that even come about?” I thought, gobsmacked, ‘Ah mean…I cant even think o’ it without feelin’ sick.”

Applejack actually snickered at me, “Yeah, you an me both, partner. Thing is, Ah think it was the second human who fell ‘ere? ‘e fell on tha farm late one night. Figured Ah’d let him stay an’ get sent home in tha mornin’, y’see.”

“Wait,” I interrupted, “Twilight told me the second human ye found fell in your cider press?’

Applejack gave me a flat look, “Yeah…that’s what ‘appened when Ah found him in Big Mac’s room that night. We figgered ta keep tha cover story fer the dignity of all involved.”


“But,” She continued sadly, “Big Mac just weren’t the same since. Every human that drops somewhere on this ‘ere farm, he knows. He’s watchin’.”

“Well, I can’t go back to town, now, can I?” I muttered, “Twilight tried to kill me with a dragon!”

“Uh, Dale?” She looked at me askance, “That dragon is Spike.”

“Twilight said Spike was her assistant, not a dragon!” I tried to reason.

“Okay, Ima put this down nice an’ easy,” Applejack soothed, “Spike, the dragon, it Twilight’s number one assistant. He’s grown up all his life with ‘er, and aint gonna harm ya none.”

“Grown up?” I snarked, “Grown down more like. He can’t ‘ave even reached me to the hip.”

“Ayep,” The pony agreed, “And y’all ran away from ‘im with yer tail ‘tween yer legs.”

“Says the girl with the brother bent on bestiality.” I jabbed back.

She gave me a dead stare. I returned it.

Then she laughed.

It was that deep annoying yokel belly laugh that only country folks can ever pull off proper, because they know what honest joy really is.

“You aint too bad fer a human Dale, gotta say.” She chuckled, punching me in the shoulder.

I’m no wimp, but that hurt. I smiled back tightly, “Well, thanks fer savin’ me an’ all. But wot say you bake me a potato and we’ll call it all square an’ sorted, yeh?”

She smirked back, “Sure thing. Ell ya tha truth,” She said, conspiratorially low, “Livin’ on tha farm like Ah do, eatin’ something other ‘n apples c’n be a boon.”

‘Oh aye,” I nodded, “And I guess if yer friends heard that, they’d be none too pleased, eh?”

“Are you kiddin’? Town would just stop runnin’!” Looking out the window, she called the all-clear, “Well it don’t look like Mac followed us, so – wait, what in the hayseed does Dasha think she’s doin’?”

Curious, I scurried out the tree house, AJ right behind me. Looking up into the field before us, I saw a strangeness.

Rainbow dash, flying in tight, painful-looking circles til she was a blur over a bucket full of water.

“Now what’s that crazy pegasus got inta ‘er head?!” Applejack gritted said she trotted over. I followed. This should be good for a laugh.

“Dasha?” The rainbow doughnut failed to answer.

“Hey, Dash!” I attempted to help my new pony friend.

“Can’t talk – cloudmaking!” Came the terse reply.

I looked at Applejack. “So how do ya normally get a pegasus down when their brain glitches ‘round ‘ere?”

“Usually?” She answered, still watching, “With harsh words and more often ‘n not a rope. But this is Dash we’re dealin’ with; we’re gonna need somethin’ a bit better ‘n that.”

I looked down at the bag I still clutched. Well…I had three left, so one more wouldn’t hurt too much, right? It would be better than a rock at least. So I reached in and pulled out a potato, aimed it at the whirling colours and pitched it, shouting, “Dash, catch!”

Applejack didn’t get a chance to kick me again. The potato hit Rainbow Dash clean between the eyes, unluckily. I say that because it meant she was looking at us when she lost control and crashed down directly to my left with a loud cry.

I covered my eyes. As the dust settled, I slowly looked, dreading what I was about to see. Rainbow Dash lay on her back, wings spread, hooves twitching in the air as she said, googly-eyed, “…H-horseapples…”

And beneath, giving me a death-glare and arctic proportions, was a very scuffed up Applejack.

“…Well damn.”


“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cried, zooming forward as her friend crashed below the treeline. Rarity didn’t see it because her eyes were closed, but she could guess what had happened. Dash as usual. Below them, Fluttershy was now sitting on Pinkie’s back as the hyper pony beamed across the ground after her fallen friend. It took mere seconds for them to arrive at the crash site to see Dale struggling to untangle a loopy Rainbow Dash from a very vocal Applejack.

“Ahh! Be careful wi’ that hoof, you moron!”

The human reeled in shock, staring at Applejack as she angrily nursed one of her rear legs, “But I thought we were friends? I was gonna share mah potatoes with you an all!”

“Yeh, right til you crashed Dasha inna me!”

Twilight dropped Rarity and ran forward, crying, “What happened here?!”

“Well,” Said Pinkie from beside Dale, “I’d say Applejack pretty much just told you. But if you want even more exposition, I’d say Dale threw a pota-“

“Yes, thank you Darling, we get the picture,” Rarity cut in, trotting forward herself. Her usually immaculate spiralled mane had been blasted into disarray by Twilight’s less than professional flying, so as she gave her best professional smile and tried to introduce herself to the new human, He reacted thusly:

“Why hello, I am Rarity, and I will be taking care of-“

“GAHH! Medusa!”

And with that. Dale Rushed back across the field into the treehouse, “Twilight first came wi’ a dragon, and now a Medusa, god save me arse!”

Fluttershy, still reeling from landing beside Rarity at a non-defined point in time, found her eyes drawn to a large, happily trotting red shape. Applejack, too, noticed the incoming terror.

“Mac!” She growled, “Y’all stay away from that human, ya hear?”

Mac most certainly did not hear.

Dale noticed the new soon-to-be-occupant of his hidey-hole, and screamed his lungs out. Big Mac, of course living up to his name, has having trouble getting through the filly-sized entrance. The large, heavy and violently lurching bodies the tree house now had to bear were putting strain on the old structure.

Dale was not helping at all. “HELP ME YA GITS!” He shouted out of a window, trying to kick Mac’s seeking muzzle. To the red stallion he said, “What do ya plan on doin’ with me anyway.”

Big Mac stopped forcing his shoulders into the doorway. His hopeful voice filtered out to the six frozen mares in the field, “Maybe…make ya lunch?”

Dale said something uncomplimentary.

“Ah could roast them potatoes, just how ya like?” Big Mac added.

Dale said nothing at all.

Big Mac eager tone sounded once again, “And then maybe after we could-“

“Oh, sorry, you were still talkin’ there?” Dale snarked, “I was just wonderin’ how restrainin’ orders worked in Equestria.”

Big Mac said something about ‘starting over’ as he started pushing again.

Applejack tried to squirm to her hooves, but her left hind leg gave out under her weight. “Dammit! Mah leg aint up fer this…Somepony get that sorry human outta there ‘for the whole thing caves in!”

Twilight Sparkle looked fit to drop from panic and/or strain already. Fluttershy looked dizzy and disorientated. Rarity certainly wouldn’t be moving for a while; she was bawling her eyes out at being called a Medusa.

Pinkie Pie to the rescue.

The bubbly mare was on the roof of the treehouse faster than even she could realize. Heeding not the pained groaning of the structure beneath her, she ripped open the roof hatch and pulled out a squealing Dale by the collar. “Lemme go ya evil demon!”

Pinkie did just that. She casually dropped him over the edge of the tree house and jumped onto the branch just as Big Mac forced himself into the tiny space. With his mournful cry, the entire treehouse imploded and fell to the ground.


Many miles away, three fillies were wrestling an alligator when they simply stopped and began inexplicably crying.

The Alligator died of a heart implosion at the sight.

Author's Note:

And now begins my slow and cataclysmic destruction of Ponyville. Piece, by cutesy piece. I could pass it off as introducing serious conflict to the story, but the fact is, that in this dry time of my week, there's a little part of me that does want to make them all suffer a bit. Also, reference. If you can spot it, you are GOD.
...and I feel bad for the alligator.