• Published 5th Nov 2013
  • 1,643 Views, 55 Comments

How I Screwed Up Equestria - Quicksear

An Irishman falls into Equestria, and slowly, everything starts to horribly wrong.

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Chapter Two

All across Equestria, it was a pretty normal day. In the streets of Ponyville, ponies walked back and forth, chatting and doing pony things. In the great Library at the heart of town sat a quite familiar purple alicorn.

Twilight had haphazardly discarded her regalia upon entering her home, tossing her gilded slippers to the four winds, and her crown now sat perilously close to falling at the top of the stairs. It had been a long day, and her many duties had worn on her patience; all she wished to do was curl up beside her fire with a good book, maybe something light, like astrophysics, just to brighten her mood.

“Spiiike!” She called, flopping onto one of the cushions around her favourite annex. She shuffled her wings uncomfortably as she waited for the reply that didn’t come.

“Uughh…” Twilight slowly dragged herself back to her hooves and lowered her tome on advanced cosmology. With no sound heard, she realized Spike must still be out cleaning up the last little disaster that had dropped in on them. With a long-suffering sigh, the alicorn made her way to the kitchen, wings dragging along the floor in her wake. She made her way lethargically towards the kitchen, intent on at least a cup of tea, if not a sandwich, if one was left in the icebox.

Unfortunately, she got neither, for sitting at her kitchen table was a ruefully smiling Rainbow Dash. “Heya Twi.”

“Rainbow Dash, which window did you break this time, and why are you here?” Twilight asked deadpan. The number of times she’d walked into her kitchen to find one of her friends fiddling with her condiments in the last week had reduced this occasion to nothing more than a mere nuisance.

“Hey!” Dash cried, bristling, “I haven’t broken a window for, like, the last five times I’ve come in here. You might need a new back door though…Oh,” She added casually, waving a hoof, “Another one of those weird monkey dudes landed over at Sweet Apple Acres just now. Might need to go and pick him up before he gets eaten by Timberwolves…or Big Mac…”

Twilight shuddered. The quiet workstallion’s penchant for hoarding extended even to aliens, it seemed. With a grimace, Twilight made her way back into the main library, Rainbow in tow, and began shrugging on her regalia, “Right. So what are we dealing with this time?”

“Oh, Definitely a screamer.” Rainbow nodded emphatically.

“Okay. Rainbow, go find Fluttershy and Applejack. We might need AJ’s rope skills to bring this one down.”

“Oh, trust me,” Rainbow chuckled as she made for a window, “The way that guy was howling? AJ probably already has him netted. See you at the barn in half an hour!”

Twilight nodded, trying to fit her crown, before looking up. Her eyes turned to saucers, “No Rainbow, don’t-!”



‘Oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord…’

Ad infinitum.

Pretty much my train of thought as I ran through the very green and very…apple-y country side. The further I ran, the more normal things seemed to get. Away from that strange monstrosity of an animal.

Okay, to be honest, I could have believed I was hallucinating. Mix enough drinks and you could soon find yourself amicably talking to JFK and Lenin while you all rode stegosaurs over a Mars made of rock candy.

Daydreams of presidents, dictators and dinosaurs quickly faded though, when I heard a loud voice amongst the trees up ahead of me; “Hey, who’s that hollerin’ all over mah apple orchards? Come on out here y’all, afore I send in Winona to chase ya out!”

Oh no, that sounded bad.

Really bad.

South Carolina bad…

“That’s it! Winona, flush ‘em out, girl!”

If that accent was anything to go by, the hounds were being released. I looked around at the verdant trees, the glaring green assaulting my eyes as I searched for the lowest branch to climb. I spot a conveniently less green branch at about head height and clawed myself up into its safe embrace. It wasn’t seconds before a patchwork border collie burst her way through the shrubbery and came to a skidding halt directly under me, giving one excited bark.

Dear God, the sheer joy in those beady eyes was enough to make me sick…

But I clearly had bigger problems. About six stone bigger, I reckon. The first thing I of course noticed was that ridiculous Stetson hat. The picture got a little better at the orange-ness, sort of like a Day-Glo jacket, but then whatever-it-was had to go and have the worst possible colour ever in her eyes.

More bloody green.

Not all Irish people like green, okay?

“Oh Celestia,” The orange one grunted. “S’just another one of y’all up mah trees again?”

“Ah’m sorry there girl, but you don’t make a lick o’ sense with tha’ accent o’ your’n.” I muttered.



To be honest, her accent wasn’t all that bad. I later came to miss it, but at the time, while being confronted with a quadruped alien and her damn dog, I was feeling a little less cooperative than usual, that meaning downright ornery.

She was having none of it though. She stamped her…front left appendage on the ground, snarling, “Look, I ain’t got time fer none o’ this-“

“Double negative, girl. You ain’t british enough fer tha’.”

“Shuddit, an get outta mah tree! Twi can come pick you up at the barn like usual!”

“Usual, ya say?!” I shouted back at her, “Ya mean ta say you find chasin’ innocent chaps up trees is a regular occurrence ‘round ‘ere then?!”

“Ugh, you talk thicker ‘n Granny Smith's maple syrup on a winter mornin’!” She grumbled, reaching with her mouth towards a basket against her side.

“Well, you ain’t much better,” I hissed, “Ya walkin’ green-eyed flea-taxi!”

She stopped rummaging. Slowly, she turned to face me, a cold hard look in her eyes. “Ya just said what now?”

Of all the times she had to catch on…

“Get out o’ mah tree!”

“Only if ya leave, an’ take that mutt there with ya!”

“Ah said git!”

“Are you gonna leave, lass?’

“Not on yer life, partner!”

“Well e’ seems like we’ve reached an impasse.” I muttered grimly, clinging to my branch of safety even more.

“Ah gotta admit,” The Orange Menace smirked up at me, “Ah wuz kinda hopin’ you were gonna say that.”

Oh sod. The Tangerine Rogue reached back into her basket and withdrew a tin bucket. Now, why she would keep a bucket in a basket on her back is utterly beyond me, but I assumed it was for apple-y reasons. She placed the bucket on the ground below me and grinned.

“Oh, and what now then?” I snarked, “Ya gonna kick me right out o’ this tree and into yer pail, is it?”

She tapped the rim of the pail and winked at me. “Come, fish.”

She didn’t…

Next the…Um...d’you know how few usable synonyms there are for orange? Anyway, she walked right up to the tree, and while I was trying to think of a new adjective (Peach? Red-yellow?), she did indeed, give the tree one massive, jarring double-kick.

The branch I was clinging to quite literally shook me off like a dog shaking off fleas, and the next moment I was falling through the air. This ended very painfully when my head worked its way into the pail at high speed.

A long drop and a sudden stop.

Groaning from the shock, the ringing noise still in my ears and the world still shrouded in tinny darkness, I scrambled my way to a sitting position, trying to drag the pail off my head,

“H-How in the bloody hell did ya get that right, ya demon?!”

I heard a soft, malevolent chuckle near me, and I froze, “There ain’t bin a critter yet that Applejack couldn’t buck out a tree. You picked ta tussle with tha wrong pony, partner.”

And she kicked the pail, my head in it and all. I was out cold.


When Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy made their way to Sweet Apple Acre’s barn that afternoon, they were all hoping that Applejack had already captured their latest unwitting visitor, and had at least calmed him down. Unfortunately, while Applejack excelled at capturing and containing, comforting and calming were hardly her forte. Therefore, the three friends could already hear the caterwauling from as far as the front gate.

Rainbow Dash made a face, “See? Told’ja he’s a screamer.”

“Big Mac! Git yer flank back ta the west field ‘for Ah buck ya there!”

Twilight facehooved while Fluttershy watched in bemusement as the stallion in question burst from the barn and hurried off to the orchard. “So…Big Macintosh is still doing that? I hope the human is alright…”

“At that volume I’m sure his fine.” Twilight bustled her friends towards the barn, “Now let’s just get this one processed and ready for the return trip. I want a really fast turnaround time on this one.”

Rainbow Dash winged into the barn, shouting a cheerful hello to Applejack, who was in the process of lying down on a haybale. “Don’t worry AJ, the cavalry’s all here!”

“Great,” the earth pony replied, “Cuz this one’s more trouble than a sackful of stoats on a Saturday evenin’.”

“…The Stoatsons said they were sorry…” Fluttershy mumbled.

“I’m sure we can handle it,” Twilight interrupted, “If you could keep him here for a little til Rarity gets back from Canterlot?”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “If you don’t mind leaving him tied to the rafters for a night, sure thing, sugarcube. I ain’t lettin’ another one of them inta tha farmhouse. Not after that time.”

Muffled swearing came from a back sore room, and Twilight sighed tiredly. “Fiiiine, I‘ll figure something out. Let’s just get this over with.”


Oh lord, there even more of them. Miss Orange Doom finally took my improvised helmet off a few minutes after I’d felt a very large, very muscular body trying to wrap itself around me in one of the most disturbing ways imaginable with my clothes still on. In my imagination, my assailant had been a big wild predator, sent in to finish me off. Of course, now that the pail had been pulled from my head with a *pop*, I could see that I was hardly in a vicious monster’s lair; it was just a storeroom, filled with tools and coated in dust.

Oh, and four of those weird ‘ponies’. Can’t forget them.

It came as a small shock to me that they were all upside down. Come to think of it, it was strange that all the tools, and everything else, even down the straw, was stuck to the ceiling. It was even as if I was tied up...side…well damn.

“Oi, what’s all this then?!”

The purple one with horns and wings and a very silly crown (for god’s sake, really?) steps forward and clears her throat. Behind her, two others flap their silly wings and hover there, while the Stetson-wearing destructor stands to one side. Well, now I know why she’s so grumpy, all her friends have wings! Either way, my inspection was cut short as the purple one started talking hurriedly;

“Hello, my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends Fluttershy,” The butter-yellow coward, I called it “Rainbow Dash,” The brazen git, “and Applejack.” Sssss’death! “And you are on Sweet Apple Acres farm, just outside of Ponyville, Equestria. Any questions before I continue?”

“Yeh,” I muttered, “Why am I tied upside down, and what the bloody hell are ya going on about?”

This seemed to take Sparkle aback. She shared a glance with her friends, before turning back to me, “…Wait, you don’t know about us? You don’t recognize any of this?”

“Can’t say I do, miss-whatever-you-are.” I deadpanned. It was somewhat of a natural reaction to me; in a situation where I was confused or lost, I would shield myself in armour of apathy. Right now I was fortified behind what amounted to Hitler’s bunker.

“Oh…” Twilight continued…somewhat, “…That’s a first.”

“Could ya get on with it, girl, these ropes yer friend so kindly used are starting to some damage.” I prompted. The sooner I got down, the sooner I could get to the more important task of getting as far away from here as possible.

Twilight, though, had other ideas. She sat down and visibly prepared herself for the coming trial. “Okay, lets start at the beginning, then. We are ponies. You’re a human. From your accent I’m going to guess Scottish?”

“Irish. Learn et lass.”

“Right. What you've gone and done is fallen through a rift and landed in our town. Now don’t worry, you’re quite safe. Give it a few days and we’ll send you back no worse for wear. All you need to do is relax and behave, please. Normally, the rifts tend to open near or around people already aware of us, so I haven’t had to deal with someone totally new to Equestria, but I’ll try to get the paperwork put through as soon as possible if you just remain calm, okay?”

I took in the information in a fragmented way, thinking through each point she brought up as I became aware of it. Rifts? So that wasn’t a manhole cover that got popped. All I had to do was stay here, quiet…ponies doing paperwork. Is there nothing they can’t train a Shetland to do? And then, of course…

“Wait, what do ya mean, ‘people already aware of you’, exactly?”

Twilight’s expression dropped to one of distaste. ‘In your world, we’re a TV show. A…cartoon. Mention one more thing about it and I’ll zap you.”

“Waitwaitwait,” I snickered, “You bunch are a cartoon show? Finally, a lick o’ sense in this-“

On another note, I did not know that the horns some ponies sprouted allowed them to do magic.

On a related topic, Twilight tazered me.

I’m not so sure I like ponies all that much.

Author's Note:

Yes, I wrote this. No, I am not ashamed. Well, maybe a little, but I can't bring myself to care overmuch.
My internet is still cut, save for what I can steal from small WiFi hotspots along the road during business hours, so I have the time to write. Not much else to do while waiting for government idiots to get their affairs arranged, really.