• Published 5th Nov 2013
  • 1,648 Views, 55 Comments

How I Screwed Up Equestria - Quicksear



An Irishman falls into Equestria, and slowly, everything starts to horribly wrong.

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Chapter Six

“Oh, consarnit! Mah fetlock’s all twisted!” Applejack cried, trying to stand. Fluttershy tried desperately to help, but just ended up falling over with the earth pony on top of her. Being Fluttershy, she simply lay there. She could breathe a little less if it would be less of a bother to everypony.

Rarity was calmly and smoothly explaining to Dale, as he contorted, jumped a twisted on the ground under Twilight’s immobilizing magic, that he had nothing to fear, that he should remain calm and relax.

“YA AINT TURNIN’ ME TA STONE TADAY!!”

He wasn’t really listening. Naturally.

Twilight snorted and rolled her eyes. He’d come to his senses. And if he didn’t…there was always the reforming spell. Since Dale was otherwise occupied and not likely to cause any more major property damage, Twilight tore herself away to check on Rainbow Dash, still lying on her back and staring up at the sky.

Twilight approached cautiously, “Rainbow Dash? She whispered, “Are you alright?”

Rainbow didn’t respond. She was staring up at the clouds vacantly, grinning.

Twilight krept up to her friend’s side quietly, asking again, “Rainbow? Oh, please say you’re alriaaAAHH!”

Dash’s foreleg shot out, catching Twilight about her shoulders and pulling her down beside the pegasus. “Look at them, Twilight,” The crazed pegasus breathed, “Just look at them.”

“Those are clouds, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said carefully, “Do you need a nap?” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dale, released from her magic, prancing around with Pinkie latched onto one of his legs.

“Noooooo,” Rainbow growled in frustration, leaping into the air. Her ruffled feathers and scraped-up back groaned in protest, but she didn’t care, “Those clouds, I made them! Not Cloudsdale, not some fancy shmancy weather pony in a labcoat, me! Rainbow Dash! With a bucket of water and some patience-“

“Patience?” Applejack snarked, “Yep, She’s gone gotten a concussion…”

“Shut up!” Rainbow Dash crowed, not even noticing as Dale rolled right underneath her, Pinkie latched onto his head, screaming. “Only a pegasus would understand what this could mean!”

Unfortunately, Fluttershy was too squashed to voice her disagreement.

“Now I need to go clear every cloud in Ponyville! Or it won’t work!” Rainbow Dash’s last sentence receded into the distance. Everyone in the clearing shared a look of confuzzlement at her parting.

Except Dale, who was in the process of prying Pinkie off with a stick.

“Well…” Rarity started, carefully lifting Applejack up into the air. Fluttershy slowly crawled out of the way to re-inflate her lungs elsewhere. Rarity looked at the fallout around them and tutted, “Oh, I never did like the screamers all that much…”

Dale stood bolt upright when he heard this, face a mask of fury, “Oi, now you listen ‘ere-“

Then Applejack turned to the wreckage of the tree house where, amidst the destruction, she saw a limp crimson hoof, “Big Mac!”

“Where?!” Dale screamed, “Aaaaauuuuugh!” And he was gone.

Rarity and Pinkie shared a look. Meanwhile, Twilight had found a scapegoat for all her woes.

She vindictively poked the potato where it lay in the grass, “I just knew potatoes were bad news.”

*****

I was running out of screams by this point.

Not five minutes later, I found myself leaning breathlessly against a cottage straight from the Rhineland. Big Mac would be coming for me. I needed a place to hide out until his urges were directed to the next unhappy sod who dropped from the sky. Speaking of, shouldn’t the sod by on his way by now?

In a few days, I reminded myself, til then I need to go to ground. The only problem, though, was my position. Behind me was the apple farm, where I would lose several maiden’s worth of innocence dare I return. Before me was the town of Ponyville, where I would be looked at in new, funny and imaginative ways til the end of eternity…or at least the town boundary on the other side.

“Excuse me, but…would mind awfully getting off my house?”

I turned slowly, grinning. That voice sounded almost English. Time to rag on a brit.

Above me in a second story window was a cream-coated, blue-and-pink-maned pony. Species, I didn’t care. All I could do was glare at her as she fiddled uncomfortably with her own hooves.

“An’ what are ya gonna do ta make me? Eh? Shake a fist at me? Oh, that’s right, no dice there, ennit?”

She looked very uncomfortable. I figured I should press my advantage. “So what, you gonna jus’ sit up there all high an’ mighty til the cows come home? Though fer all I know, a cow might actually be the breadwinner o’ this ‘ere house, so I better not insult ya now, eh? Maybe yer Princess will smite me if I do…oh wait, I’ve had the pleasure of meetin’ yer Twilight Sparkle…oh well-“

“Lyra?” The pony above me called, “Could you get the door please?”

Who?

From within, I heard various unhealthy mumbling sounds, while above me, the pony in the window grinned with malicious glee. I was going to regret this…

The door grated open. The pony, or unicorn as it happened, wore a rapidly growing grin across her until-recently-sleepy face. I noticed her forelegs trembling with excitement.

“Hi!” She chirped.

“Aye, g’day…” I responded carefully, thinking about backing away slowly.

“You’re Irish!” She exclaimed in wonder, big golden eyes wide as the queen’s dinner plate.

“Aye, that I am.” I answered.

The unicorn stood and threw her forehooves out wide, grinning like a loon. “I’m green!”

“I noticed,” I said, now backing away, scared, “And I hate the colour green.”

Lyra (I had so far gathered) fell back on her pony backside, staring at me disbelievingly. “But…but...”

“Errr…” I didn’t know what to do. I looked at the smug pony in the window above me. You win this round, unnamed mare.

Lyra was staring blankly at the doorstep, “My life is a lie…”

“Aannd, I’ll be on me way then.” Neither pony answered me as I walked of through the town.

Ten minutes later, after getting lost in three side streets, I found myself in the town centre, admiring a pretty statue of what I assumed to be one of those all-powerful despots who ruled this ponyland while studiously ignoring the confused stares of literally every living being within a hundred yards.

“Hmmm, so that’s what a demigod looks like.”

“Well, their less demigods and more Elementals,” supplied a reasonable voice beside me, “Since they draw power directly from large bodies of the natural order and so forth.” The maroon mare standing next to the space I’d previously occupied looked up at me, now gripping firmly to the neck of the alicorn statue.

“Though so some of their power is emotion-based as well,” She finished, smiling up at me. “My name is Cheerilee, by the way. And you are?”

“Don’t sneak up on a man like that, girl!” I screamed. “An’ I’m Dale, sa’pleasure.”



Cheerilee ended up being rather helpful. As it turned out, she was a teacher already, and so was much better equipped to teach than Twilight the over-stressed, impatient and exceptionally zappy alicorn. Cheerilee was far less threatening too; She had no horn after all, and hadn’t threatened to kick my head in once.

"Wait, so those six crazies,” I tried to get my head around what I had just heard, “They saved this town, and yer whole damn country, by shooting bad guys like this Nightmare Moon character with rainbows til they acted good an’ pretty?”

Cheerilee shrugged, “Pretty much.”

We were walking again, just around town, as Cheerilee explained a few things to me. Things that didn’t really endear ponydom to me. Their class system, the division of labour along ethnic and gender divisions, this rather one-sided and overpowered way of solving their problems…the sort of thing Ireland had an IRL to fix.

“Don’t ponies get to vote?” I asked seriously.

“Actually, most ponies just do what they’re told.” Cheerilee said. “That’s why I’m a teacher; once fillies or colts grow up and get their cutie marks, they just seem to lose their sense of adventure. I miss that.” She gave me a weird glance and chuckled, “I guess having aliens falling out of the sky is a welcome change of pace, considering.”

I was getting a weird feeling the longer we talked. Sure, I was grudgingly interested in the wacky way this place worked, but Cheerilee was…too familiar.

And suddenly, pink.

“I’m not green anymore!”

That unicorn from earlier, Lyra, was standing on two legs, forelegs spread for my inspection, a strained grin on her face, panting heavily, “Pink now. Better?”

She was, indeed, from hoof to snout-tip, the most unearthly shade of pink ever seen by human eyes.

“Congratulations,” I deadpanned, “Ye found the only other colour in the spectrum I utterly despise.”

“But…” Lyra looked on the verge of tears, “This is the only colour dye Bon Bon had in her closet!”

“That mare at your place?” I questioned, taking a closer look, “Come ta think o’ it, that shade is kinda familiar…”

Lyra gave me a hopeful smile. Cheerilee shuffled and glared at the unicorn.

“Nope, still don’t like it.”

Lyra seemed to implode. Cheerilee beamed.

“Look, Lyra,” I asked bluntly, “Are you one o’ them…’skinnys’?”

“I…well…you don’t…” She stuttered. Then she glared at the victorious-looking Cheerilee, “Well, don’t look so smug, so are you!” The unicorn shouted. Cheerilee stopped with her Cheshire Cat impersonation.

Wait…

Had Cheerilee…a pony…just spent the last half hour casually chatting me up?!

The maroon earth pony started bumbling an excuse, “Now w-wait, this isn’t what it looks like-!”

Well, what did you expect me to do?

“Aaaaaaaauuuugh!”

*****

Fluttershy forlornly dragged herself to her cottage by about noon. Just in time to feed Angel Bunny before he had a temper tantrum. He could be a silly little bunny sometimes, but Fluttershy loved him and she didn’t mind at all.

What she did mind – only a little though, not to be a bother – was when, as she was mixing a salad and trying to regain the feeling in her left side after her time as Applejack's featherbed, a tall, bipedal and very LOUD…oh, his name was Dale. Dale the Screamer. Yes, that’s right!

Dale the Screamer was hiding in her petunias.

“Oh dear…” She muttered, not unkindly. Only a little sadly. After the strange things some of the humans had said to her when they visited, she had begun cautiously declining to let them stay at her cottage. Not to be mean, if they needed help she would never say no, but…after that time one human had tried to explain rule thirty something, she didn’t feel comfortable at all.

“Um…c-can I help you?”

“Gah!” screamed the Screamer, “Don’t sneak up on a body like tha’! Wot’re ya don hidin’ in a bush anyway?”

“Um, this is my house.” Fluttershy pointed out, tapping the window frame she was leaning on.

Dale blinked. “Oh…right.”

“Would you like to come in?”

“Um…yes please.”

Fluttershy directed Dale around to the front door and opened up for him. He ducked as he entered through the little hobbit-door, looking around. “I jus’ feel like pointing out," He said, “Tha' as far as I know, ponies livin’ in trees ain’t normal.”

“Well, I’m a pegasus.” Fluttershy pointed out.

“Right y’are.”

The conversation fell into awkward silence. Fluttershy went back to making her (Angel’s) salad, and Dale found the only place in the room where he could stand up straight. Unfortunately, he ended up shoving his head into a toucan’s hidey-hole.

“Squawk”

“Aaaauuugh!”

Dale reeled from the hole in the ceiling, stepping back into another den accidentally. In seconds, the human swarmed by half a dozen ferrets intent on doing him physical harm.

Ferrets have sharp teeth.

“Aaaaaaaauuugh!”

*****

“Now why in the bloody hell would you feel the need to look after them evil li’l bastards?” Dale hissed as Fluttershy ran a cotton swab over the scratch- and teethmarks all over his arms, “An’ why, further, would you turn yer own house into a walk-in zoo!”

“And clinic.” Fluttershy mumbled through the cotton swab.

“Well at least that I c’n unnerstand, but-“

“And sometimes petshop…if my friends are asking.” Fluttershy added.

‘Yeah yeah yeah,” Dale interjected, “But from what you said; you look after all the animals around ‘ere?”

Fluttershy had explained about her hobby/job/social crutch already, but Dale didn’t seem to believe it. “Um, yes. I look after the animals of Ponyville, and in return, they are my friends. I heal their hurts, and feed them, and help them when they need it.”

“Okay,” Dale nodded slowly, “So, like them otters on the bank over there?” He pointed out the aquatic weasels in question, “You’ll catch a fish, and give it to ‘em?”

“Um, sometimes…yes.” Fluttershy mumbled. She did what she had to, after all. She didn’t want hurt the fish, but…

“But you’ll save a mouse from a fox if’n they run past ya?” Dale asked.

“Um…Yes?” Fluttershy answered. Dale had seen a mouse in her cottage earlier. He’d wanted to chase it out, the cruel human…

“So, will you catch me a fish?” Dale asked plaintively. “I’ve gone an’ lost me potatoes, an’ I still ain’t had me breakfast! A nice trout would go down wonderf-“

“Oh, no…no!” Flutershy exclaimed horrified. “I-I could never…I only ever catch a fish because it’s the natural order, I don’t do it just any day!”

“But…” Dale looked at the otters basking nearby, “Them otters look plenty fattened up. On a fish every few days? I don’t think so.”

“Well, they can catch their own too.” Fluttershy admitted.

“So, you’ll catch a fish fer some otters who are quite able ta feed themselves, but not fer a man on the brink of starvation?” Dale questioned, “Now you’ll have to excuse me lass, but it don’t really look like all these animals need that kind o’ help at all.”

Fluttershy looked down at the ground. It was true. The animals of Ponyville hadn’t needed a caretaker before; she just liked being there for them. It gave her purpose…

“Seems a little vain if’n ya ask me.” Dale added, prodding her to keep swabbing.

“Oh, no!” Fluttershy dropped the swab, “Sometimes they need the help! Like Mr Mouse who broke his leg, or Mrs Badger when her cub went missing, I-!”

“You, lass, like playin’ mother.” Dale sighed. He picked up the swab started tending to himself, “But the creatures out in the forest over there seem to be doin’ jus’ fine. It looks to me like you’re just messin’ with the natural order o’ things to make yerself happier.”

“…oh.” Fluttershy blinked.

“So, you were doin’ a fine job o’ it, too!” Dale said, trying to clean out a cut on his wrist, “But really, right now somethin’ a little bigger than yer little critter-friends needs some attention.”

He swung up to where Fluttershy had been, “So how about you go an’ catch me that fish anyway- Eh wot…?”

…only to see the front door slam on the sound of broken-hearted sobbing.

Dale looked at the door in horror

“Oh no,” He breathed.

“Wot ‘ave I done?”

Then Rainbow Dash crashed into his head.

Author's Note:

I am back up to full capacity! With my internet privilages fully restored, I can...
Do exactly what I have been doing, actually.

I feel the need to share this with you guys: Yesterday I left my computer to go work on a building project, and my stepfather JUST SO HAPPENED to sit at my computer. The first three chapters of this were open.
By the time I got back, he was halfway through the second chapter and was having difficulty deciding whether to scream at the top of his lungs or start frothing at the mouth.

Funniest damn thing I've ever seen. Also, johnnyjr100, my stepdad thinks you wrote this. Your comment was just top of the list at the time.

Regards
Quicksear

P.S Otters are awesome.