How I Screwed Up Equestria

by Quicksear

STAHP!! No more chapters!

Dale scrambled towards Pinkie, grouching, “Are all problems in Equestria solved this easy? It takes the joy out o’ winning it does!”, but then he saw what Pinkie was staring at, and stared as well. On top of Carousel Boutique, glaring doom and madness at one another, were Twilight and Rarity, horns aglow, yet silent as each waited for the other to make the first move.

Pinkie smiled at the annoyed human, “Silly, Equestria is nice! Almost everything is easy!” Then, to prove it, she bounced forward, singing out to her friends glowering on the roof, “Oh gi-irls! Can you come down and stop scaring everypony? And Twilight, could you drop that dome, pretty please? It would be a big help to Rainbow Dash!”

Twilight paused. Then she took a breath, and shouted, “For the REVOLUTION!”

And Rarity screeched back, “For the DRESSES!”

“Great battlecry, that…” Dale snarked.

“Oh well, I'm out of ideas," Pinkie shrugged, "but this could be a reeeaaally interesting fight!” She grabbed a hoof-full of popcorn from her mane and snarfed it down.

Dale tried to count in how many ways that picture was terribly wrong and ran out of numbers, but he pushed through it to ask, “What? Yer excited they’re gonna fight? What if they get hurt?! We gotta stop them!”

“Nope!” Pinkie shook her head, “Unicorn magic isn’t dangerous. Neither Twilight not Rarity know any actually harmful tricks; Even age spells change back to normal after a while!"

Rarity, just to prove Pinkie wrong, wrenched one of the pony statuettes from the roof of her own boutique and whacked it across Twilight’s head.

Twilight reacted quickly, teleporting the carved pony out over the street. Dale dived for cover. Pinkie sidestepped, then leaned casually on the elegant and wrecked pony that had slammed into the ground barely a foot from her.

“You see,” Pinkie explained to no one in particular, “Twilight might be the fourth most powerful spellcaster alive, but her talent, being the entirety magic, is very broad, and she is only well versed in teleportation and a few enchantments. Rarity, on the other hoof, has years of exceptionally in-depth training with levitation, and is probably the most skilled levitator outside of Canterlot Castle! So it really is a level field, err, roof.”

Dale glared at the earth pony, “Who the hell are ya talkin’ to?!”

Pinkie peeked out between the lines and smiled, “Oh, you wouldn’t want to know just yet.”

Meanwhile, Twilight responded with a vicious flash of lightning that looked like it could have curdled cheese, but Rarity responded by blocking it’s path with telekinetically torn-up roof tiles, melded into a shield before her. When the tiles fell from her grasp, each and every one of them was a hideous shade of green.

Pinkie gasped, “Ohhh, Twilight ain’t pulling any punches here! She’s going for the knock-out!”

Rarity responded by taking up the tiles once again, levelling them at her friend, and loosing a grievous amount of sharp stone at the alicorn. Twilight gasped. Then she concentrated.

A blinding flash lit the alicorn’s body, absorbing the heavy plates. When the spell dissipated, Twilight stood tall, grinning evilly as a dozen balls of rich double-thick chocolate ice-cream circled her like minions.

Rarity blanched. She took a step back, but on the small roof, there was nowhere to go.

There wasn’t a sound. Then Twilight’s horn glowed, the ice cream flashed from existence, and Rarity tumbled to her knees, belly horribly distended, “No! The…The calories…”

Pinkie nodded sagely, “Hmm, interesting use of teleportation. Didn’t see that one coming.”

Twilight crowed her victory, “Ha! Now you’ll have a tummy-ache!”

Rarity was beginning to cry, “I…I never even got to taste it…”

And all Dale could think was, That is some fucked up shit I jus’ saw…

Meanwhile, hundreds of meters above them, Rainbow Dash seemed to be having an animated discussion with a white blob on the other side of the force field. Only Pinkie cared to look.

“Haha!” Twilight crowed at the sky, “The Revolution shall overcome all!”

Dale, standing in the empty street, looked around him, “Uhh, yeh, cuz votin’ stations always take it as a good sign when there’s no one there to vote.”

Twilight looked down with a slight, “Oh…”

The entire section of town, from Carousel Boutique to Sugarcube Corner, was empty. Not a pony, critter or wild weather pattern was left, save the three ponies and a confused human standing motionless as they tried to remember what happened next.

And then, of course, the force field shattered. Forgone conclusion really.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”

“Meep!” Meeped The alicorn in question.

Rays of glaring white light cut through the errant clouds like a laser beam, pouring all of their anger directly down on whatever happened to be in the way as a vast glowing orb descended from the sky. It touched ground in the wrong street, about a block away.

Despite this miscalculation, Dale was still in awe on what he saw. A vast creature, glowing with a white so pure that it made a wedding dress looked almost French, rose above the rooftops on downy wings that embraced the air they beat through. A long, majestic neck, glittering eyes like fire. The light of the sun behind it distorted and magnified the unfathomable presence gliding towards him. Dale's eyes glistened as he beheld it.

Just imagine the size o’ family that duck could feed when it's roated… He thought listlessly. Then Princess Celestia landed somewhat awkwardly on the pinnacle of Carousel Boutique.

…Can demigods read minds? Did she hear thinking about eati- Shutting up now…

The benevolent ruler of all Equestria stared down her royaler-than-thou snout and said in a voice that dripped comforting eggshells, “Twilight, what is it to have disturbed you so?”

Twilight’s bluster and pomp fell from her, stripped away by the majesty browbeating her from above. “I-I want all this to be over. I want to go back inside and read my book and not deal with stupid humans anymore! I want to know what’s going on and why, and not be kept in the dark! You and Luna keep telling me to just stay put, handle things on this end, do the slog-work, but I’m a Princess now, I want to do more! I know I can! I j-just want to…go back to comfortable. Keep Ponyville happy, keep it safe…”

“Was trapping them all within a shield, a gilded cage, the correct course of action?” Celestia cooed, “And then leading a rebellion against the rest of Equestria?” That last had an edge to it…like a fluffy knife.

Twilight gasped and backpedalled, “What?! No! Not a rebellion! Just a revolution! Just bringing voting in, not trying to kick you out!” The monarch raised an eyebrow, as did Rarity. Dale was about to scream. Twilight looked from one to another, “What? You’ve never heard of peaceful revolutions? It was in that book of Griffin socialist structures.”

Celestia blinked. “Oh…good.”

Dale fell to his knees, “You ponies can’t even ‘ave a decent revolution?! Fer God’s sake!”

Celestia turned her attentions to the human below. He squeaked into silence.

“So this here is the cause of all this strife?” Celestia said, not unkindly. Not friendly either. “I have something for you, my little human. I believe it is yours to begin with.”

Dale didn’t move. The title had made him want to gag, but that would look bad. Celestia herself floated down to the street, Twilight and Rarity beside her, quite helpless. Pinkie Pie was pulled from the café she was raiding, Rainbow Dash descended from beating off the last of the clouds, Fluttershy came floating in from the edge of the forest, and Applejack scrabbled and swore helplessly as she was dragged yet again from her bed and out through the sky.

They all arrived in a circle just as Celestia gave the stunned human a small lunchbox. He opened it, and nearly collapsed in joy.

A perfectly cooked baked potato, split, with purest butter melted into its core.

“It’s only a day old,” Celestia apologized with a grimace, “I didn’t really have much choice as to when it was cooked.”

“You preserved it for me, in your infinite wisdom, with magic so that I’d have my wish at the end of this great trial.” Dale whispered reverently as he lifted a piece of the potato to his lips.

Celestia shrugged, “I kept it in my icebox and warmed it up on the way here.”

Dale glared first at one edge of the potato, an edge that looked distinctly nibbled “Oi! You ate mah ‘tater!”

Celestia smiled wisely down at him, impeachable, “One does not reach this royal size without an appetite to match, little one.” Then she turned to the awkwardly shuffling ponies around her, “I believe you all have learned some very special lessons these past days?”

“Err, yeah…” Rainbow chuckled nervously, trailing a hoof through the churned-up dirt in idle circles, “I learned that even if a plan looks REALLY good, you should always think through all the repercush… repeac… consequ… results of your actions will be!” She finished…finally.

“Is she fuckin’ brain damaged or what…?” Dale asked himself.

“Umm I learned…” Fluttershy began, “That even if you think you may not have a purpose, even if you seem weak, there are those who rely on you, not because they need you, but because they want you. Like you. And that you can’t abandon them anymore than someone trully dependant on you.”

“Very good.” Celestia preened.

Dale blinked. “’ang on, where’s all this coming from then…?"

“I learned that guarding oneself can be a blessing and a curse,” Rarity added, “To protect oneself overmuch is to lose a part of yourself, and your ability to truly enjoy what you are given. Being understood and loved for who you really are is better than being a mere shadow of onself.”

"Wait, really?" Dale raised an eyebrow, "This is what we're doin' now?"

“An’ Ah learned,” Applejack jumped in, just to get it out of the way, “That even though someone really seems the jarhead, they deserve a second chance…and a third…and mebbe a fourth…”

“Hey!” Dale chirped.

“…but eventually the light in ‘em will shine through, if ya just hold faith. Ta give up on ‘em is ta do ‘em a disservice, Ah reckon.”

“And I learned that you can’t blue without red and green, and that you can’t make sushi with Styrofoam!” Pinkie Pie asserted.

Celestia nodded understandingly the whole while, though even her eyes glazed over at Pinkie’s part. Then she turned to Twilight.

The younger alicorn was not done, though; “Why did you say I wasn’t needed for the return spells? I could have done them from here!” She demanded.

“I only wished to keep the strain from you while you continued your studies in your library,” Celestia answered. Then she added, “Also, most of the humans did not go quietly. Luna and I were less likely to suffer a mental break and send the poor soul to Tartarus in anger.”

“Oh, well…that makes sense…” Twilight leapt on the next subject, “But what about the government? Why has nopony broached the ideas of socialism, or at least constitutional monarch-Diarchy?”

“Nopony was brought it up before,” Celestia shrugged, “Ponies are herd creatures after all; they tend to be happy to follow.”

Twilight looked down, trampled.

Celestia looked over the defeated mare's shoulder and smiled at Dale. She winked, mouthing I’m too good at this.

Dale nearly dropped his potato.

Twilight sighed, then said, “Today I learned that you should always exhaust all other avenues before trying to lead a hostile takeo- peaceful revolution against my teacher.”

Teacher? Dale thought, No wonder she’s a psycho, with that sociopath as her example!

“Now, my little ponies, are all your problems solved?” Celestia questioned.

“Yup! Weather’s back to normal!” Rainbow saluted.

“The critters are back in the forest.” Fluttershy whispered.

“Carousel Boutique didn’t turn into a socialist example!” Rarity purred.

“The voices went back to the endless Void!” Pinkie beamed.

“No!” It was Applejack. She hobbled on her injured hoof, grimacing, “There’s only two days left o’ Applebuck season! We don’t get them apples down ‘afor tomorrer, them’ll start going bad!”

Twilight’s horn flashed. On the horizon, thousands of apples cruised through the air and stacked neatly in the family barn. The alicorn didn’t even break a sweat as she grinned, “There! Fixed?”

Applejack failed to respond coherently, but ‘if Ah had mah rope…’ was definitely in there.

“And now,” Celestia intoned, standing, “It is time for our guest to go home.”

“Wait!" Dale shouted. He stood before Twilight, trying to say something clearly important. It did not come easily to him, “Twi. I know we didn’t get on at all, but…I figgered it out. All them humans wot came through? They came her cuz they needed a friend, and apparently you an' your'n are experts on making friends even though you nearly kill each other regularly.. They needed help. I…I needed help. Fer better or worse, yer town scared it inta me. I’d…I’d like ta go home, and know that at least I can count on you as friends. Fer a few days of my life, I could say I knew real, genuine...characters, and tha’ they can be in me ‘eart when I try ta take yer words to people I’ve let down, yeh?”

All of them, all six, dashed forward into a vast uncomfortable group hug. Pinkie pie stood on Dale’s head and squee’d, “Human’s are taaaaall!”

Celestia gently extracted Twilight from the wreathing mass and summoned a scroll that she delivered to Twilight, nodding encouragingly. Twilight gasped as she read it, her horn already glowing with the magical knowledge she was taking in, "You're letting me...?"

"Of course, Twilight, I do trust you after all." Butter wouldn't have melted in Celestia's mouth, but Twilight grinned happily and summoned the bright blue portal all the same.

Dale escaped the ponyball and strode towards the portal, at peace. He could see his grungy bedroom through the cerulean haze, and decided it needed a clean.

Celestia began speaking again, “Twilight, I believe Dale is right: The Elements of Harmony sought to heal the loneliness in the hearts of other worlds. A connection we cannot ignore.” Celestia hummed in thought.

Dale saw it coming, and chuckled as he stepped through the portal. He turned in the clothes-strewn dimness of his own world, looked out at the magical land of Equestria one last time, to hear Celestia’s offer.

“Twilight, would you and your friends consider becoming ambassadors for ponykind, in this word, and others?”

Twilight took one look at the portal, and turned tail.

“Fuck no.”

Dale chuckled as the portal crumbled to nothing, leaving him with his memories and his baked potato, still clutched in its box.

“Well, tha’ wuz a new one,” He laughed to himself, “Now what about this ‘Friendship is Magic’ shit anyway…?” He chucked the potato onto his desk, disrupting a breeding pile of Mountain Dew cans, and made for the door. With a happy, contented sigh, he opened the door and stepped into his-

Wooden walls

Window looking over an apple orchard.

Red bedspread.

A big wooden yolk in the corner.

And blond-maned maroon snout swinging in his direction. Grinning.

"So, ya came back! Ah knew ya'd change yer mind..."

...

Dale took one look at the stallion on the bed, and screamed.

Author's Note:

So there.
A week. A week of alcohol, randomness and quite a lot of rage. And confusion. A lot of confusion. I mean, I really did start writing this simply because someone told me I wasn't to use the internet any more, which led to a small pit in my stomach boiling over and I ended up basically spewing this story onto my poor keyboard. And you guys LIKED it? Well, okay, I can dig that.

Regards and until next time,
Quicksear

Comments

[MelodyMori]

"Fuck no."

Ah, Twilight giving up on friendship for once. I feel complete now.

All in all, this was a hilarious story. ANOTHER ONE! Pwease?

[Quicksear]

3479542 It's a possibility. When my internet goes down, my random can come out in interesting ways. One or two serious stories of mine need some attention first though.

How about Twilight losing a bet with Celestia? Dale might need a room-mate.

[Adin Terim]

So does that mean we're the wrong sort of people?

[MelodyMori]

3479545

Twilight living on Earth with Dale?

Sear, I think I love you.

I can't wait for the sequel. In the meantime, I'll check out your other stories.

[Lag Incarnate]

And now, my thought gush.

So he didn't screw up Equestria, just Ponyville, and indirectly. Nothing is permanently damaged, except maybe Cheerilee, poor lass.
How did Pinkie break again? I understand how he messed with everything else, but Pinkie (shocker) is the one I don't understand.
I for one probably wouldn't mind hanging out with Dale for a day or two. For a hotblooded Irishman he seems quite reasonable.
Still kinda wish he could have met with everyone's favorite Draconequus. Ooh, he'd have a field day with him.
And with that, back to my cave.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmhucf259A1qeliqdo1_500.png

[Quicksear]

3479605 Nah, it's just that Bronies in general aren't exactly sucked in by the show's deep philosophical musings, now are they? Most come for an escape, and that's the same mindset they will bring to MLP fanfiction. I'm in no way against that; I'm exactly the same, and I like a good random story same as the next guy, but a good deep story is more fulfilling to read, and definitely more so to write.

Regards
Quicksear

[Hurgusburgus]

*throws money at screen*

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

I about choked on my breakfast repeatedly through the last two chapters...

[Quicksear]

3482952 Ima go ahead and assume that's a good thing...

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

3483111
From laughter.

[draconis72000]

I love it, I can't believe this isn't more popular. Your story actually took my mood and improved it by a million times.
I was laughing so often and loud, I feared I'd wake up my roommates.
Great job, great story, and thank you for sharing it with us.

[Tacocat]

That was wonderfully retarded. Good job, I guess.