• Published 5th Nov 2013
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How I Screwed Up Equestria - Quicksear



An Irishman falls into Equestria, and slowly, everything starts to horribly wrong.

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Chapter Eighaaaaaaauuugh!!!

Twilight was having a bad day.

In fact, it felt like her day had been scraped off the sphincter of Tartarus, dipped and dragon perspiration and served on a bed of hot potatoes.

EVIL potatoes.

First came getting Applejack and Big Mac to the clinic. Both had suffered several sprains. Neither could walk on their own, and it had taken nearly half an hour to drag them all the way to the other end of town. Then Twilight had had to help a hell-bent Bon Bon try and find her roommate Lyra, but no matter where they looked, they found neither hide nor hair of the green unicorn. Then there had been Cheerilee, running around and bawling about ‘coming out of the closet’, though Twilight was having trouble understanding why the poor mare had gotten stuck in her wardrobe to begin with. Rarity had seemed fine at least, although Rainbow Dash was an unintelligible mess with her weird weather experiments that had every pegasus in town buzzing with ether excitement or trepidation. Fluttershy she hadn’t been able to find at all, even though animals all over town were beginning to act up.

And all the while, she was cracking.

This human situation was out of control! Every time one turned up, they caused trouble on a near catastrophic level. Sure, she and her friends had faced worse, but never constantly, unendingly dragging like this. They wouldn’t go away! She couldn’t help but try to find out just what she was supposed to do with them. They always fell somewhere between her library and Applejack's barn, so it was obviously something to do with the Elements of Harmony, and they were always fans of this Friendship is Magic TV show, so she had assumed that had something to do with it as well.

Until the Screamer.

They’d had other Screamers. But they had always been pointing at everything and screaming in joy, never running away and being whimpishly scared of everything! Dale was, and always would be, her least favourite human.

And it all boiled down to potatoes.

Twilight sighed. She was standing on the edge of Ponyville that evening, trying to find the strength to walk up to her own front door. Humans were insufferable. One had even fallen on Carrot Top! The mare had a phobia to this day. It was with a great sense of irony that Twilight remembered that Carrot Top had been nearly squashed by a four hundred pound human while tending her last crop of that July.

Even more potatoes.

Carrot Top had grown the very potato that had struck Celestia.

Twilight had just returned from Canterlot via express teleportation. Spike lay in the grass behind her, slightly singed but none the worse for the experience. The alicorn princess had had questions for the other alicorn Princesses (Yes, Twilight was beginning to see the advantages of having a greater distinction than mere capitalization of the title) but of course, none had been answered. Why? Celestia had a headache.

Seriously.

Twilight was not allowed to send this bumbling idiot home on her own, even both Celestia and Luna openly agreed Twilight was easily powerful enough. Twilight even supplied the spacial signatures!

But noooo, Twilight wasn’t even required (meaning allowed (because Equestria)) to go to Canterlot to observe the spell itself. Thirty seconds, Rarity had told her. Thirty seconds! If Twilight didn’t know any better, she would think by now that the Princesses were trying to hide something from her. That maybe they were even the ones pulling all the stri…

No.

No, of course not! Celestia was her friend, her mentor! She would never-

Nightmare Moon.

Discord.

A certain three-headed Dog of Hell who’s release form had been signed P.C

Twilight’s eye started twitching. With a massive grin, she trotted through town, utterly failing to notice the until-recently-green unicorn trying to catch her attention.

*****

Look, I didn’t know it was going to happen, okay?

As far as I knew, she was just like every other pony, only a little more disturbed.

I didn’t know she would do…that.

I mean, where does a pony get thirty gallons of Belfast Shipping Grease, a bucket full of salmon and industrial-sized pallets of Styrofoam anyway?

Suffice it to say I never, ever want to look at another fish again, and I if I ever hear who it was who told Pinkie about sushi, I will find them, and I will rend them.

There was a knock at the door. Oh, it’s Twilight. Well, here come the Violet Death Beams.

Her eyes were huge as she stared at the scene, stammering, “Wh-wha…wha-what happened?!”

I cautiously removed the salmon tail from my forehead and looked at her from what used to be her home, grinning, because there was literally nothing else to do.

“Oh aye, Twilight, you back then?”

Her eyes locked onto me.

Yep. There start the death beams.

Surprisingly, no.

“Okay,” She chattered to herself, cross-eyed, “Calm down, Twilight, Get yourself together, heheh, look for a peaceful solution! It’s what the PRINCESS WOULD WANT!”

And then, Pinkie Pie casually stepped out of an envelope on the table. “Twilight!” She cried, “Your kettle says next time you want to hear orange, add some petrichor, it tastes better!”

That did it. Twilight broke. She then shared with me the wonders of squeezing my brain through the wrong end of a pool noodle and then shooting said noodle from a giant nerf gun into outer space.

I traded Death Beams for teleportation. I'd rather have had the former.

*****

I woke up the next morning in the middle of the street. Next to me was another still form. An orange one. Wearing a Stetson.

To my other side was a stock still white figure with purple spilling gracefully off her head. You know what? Sure, Rarity’s a pony, but she don’t actually look half bad, come to think of it.

OH GOD LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE-

Butter. Wrapped in pink. Fluttershy looked confused and disorientated as she watched Twilight Sparkle dragging Rainbow Dash by the tail to our little huddle in the town centre.

Well, I think it was the town centre. It was really hard to tell in the pea-soup-thick fog that clung to everything like wood glue in a blender.

Rainbow Dash was doing a damn good impression of me, once her voice cut through the fog, “Let me go! Do you know what this means?! This fog is the start of our own clouds! Weather that takes care of itself! Think of all the free time I’ll have to practice for the Wonderbolts! Just this one more thing, and it will be set! Let me GOOOOOOO~!”

Six out of ten: too many words, not enough screaming.

Twilight, her mouth full of tail, merely growled and lifted the corner of the nearest cottage. Ignoring the squeaks of the occupants, she shoved Rainbow’s tail into the foundations and dropped the cottage back down. “Right!” She cracked out, “Now that we’re all here-“

“’Cept Pinkie,” Applejack pointed out.

Twilight blinked. Then screamed like a dervish.

Ten out of ten.

“Where is she now?! Aaaaaaauugh!”

“- .-- .. .-.. .. --. .... -!” Pinkie called from the top of the Town Hall, “.. / - .... .. -. -.- / .. / .-- --- .-. -.- . -.. / .. - / --- ..- - .-.-.- / .-- . / .- .-.. .-.. / .--- ..- ... - / -. . . -.. / - --- / -- .- -.- . / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ... / .- -. -.. / .--. .. --.. --.. .-!”

Twilight blinked. “Will you stop doing…whatever it is you’re doing and get down here so we can get this human out of the way?!”

Out of the way…out of the way?! She’s gonna kill me!

“-. --- - / ..- -. - .. .-.. / -.-- --- ..- / .-- --- .-. -.- / .. - / --- ..- - / - --- --..-- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--!” Pinkie called back, before stepping back into the Void with a bang and a scattering of loose documents. One settled on my face. I held it up and read it as it dissolved in the muggy air. “Commonwealth Citizenship Applications?” I muttered, “Ponies are Canadian?”

“Shut up!” Twilight growled, “You know what, we don’t need to use the Elements. It can’t be a complicated spell, right? Just send you away FAAAAR away, so I can fix everything just the way it was!” Her horn started glowing ominously.

Applejack squirmed away from me, “Hold on Twi, Ah’m in yer firin’ line here!”

The delay was my chance.

“Aaaaaaaauuugh!”

I jumped up, turned and sprinted into the nearest building; Twilights Library. The door slammed shut behind me, and I leaned there, gasping. What the hell was going on? Twilight was trying to send me home, maybe, or at least away. Away could mean to the burning pits of hell, and I wasn’t quite ready for a visit to Blackpool quite yet. My eyes crawled over the library interior. Something was…off. Wait…oh lord have mercy…

Every single book in the entire place was reshelving itself. Not only reshelving, but putting itself back in the wrong place, upside down and spine-first.

It took mere seconds, and then stillness descended upon the library, except the one book under my foot, struggling to free itself.

And suddenly, Twilight Sparkle.

In a bright flash of flashiness, Twilight shoved herself into an unreceptive part of reality, snorting and staring with bloodshot malevolence at me. “Stop running! I’m gonna zap you out of here and go back to my astronomy book!”

You know what? For and Irishman, I had actually been quite calm through this whole ordeal, all two days of it, but this, this was crossing a line only employers could cross! Damn straight I was angry, I had no idea what the hell was going on anymore! I was tired, sore, confused and hungry. I had been hit on by ponies in all senses of the word, tied up and help captive. No way. I’m angry! So angry Margaret Thatcher would flinch at the thought!

“Quiddit ya crazy horse!” I screamed. Screamed like T-rex on the hunt. Twilight’s magic sputtered out in shock, “Wot the hell is wrong with ya? You just gonna shoot me with magic an’ hope everythin’ is better? Ya could kill me, but what do you care? Yer a magical fucking Pony Princess an’ everything just has ta listen cuz it’s all on your say-so, an’ yer friends out there, you don’t care, you just want to get back to your damn book and let everyone sort out their own troubles?” I picked up the book under my foot, something on Griffon Socialist movements or something, and threw it at her as hard as I could. It bounced off her chest and slid to the floor as she just stared in shock, “But you, magic will fix EVERYTHIN’ fer you! News flash, ya git, sometimes you actually have ta DO somethin’ yerself! Git yer ha-hooves dirty and stop tryin’a fucking KILL ME!!”

Pinkie popped out of the light fixture above and began casually walking around on the ceiling. “H̷̕̕͟ę̨̀́͡'̶͜͟s҉ ̢̡́̕͡ŗ̸̴̸į̕͠҉g̷̶̡͘͘h́̕t̶̡̀̕ ̨͡y̡͟͞͏̡o̷̶͜͡͠u͏̸̢̡͟ ̷̴̨͘͟k̵̶̨̧ń̢ǫ̸̨̡̀w̴̧͝͡,͏̷̨̡͟,” She said airily: “W҉̢e̴͢͡͠ ͟҉͝ŗ̷̀e̛a̛͢͠l̴͡͝l̸̛̀͝͞y͟ ̷̨͘ḩ̕a̧v̨̀́̀͞e̸̛͘̕͟ ̴͏b҉͟͠ę́̕e̴̵̶͟͢n̛̕͜͢ ̶̛g̨͞ơ̢҉͘͟i̸̶̴̕͞n̶̸̢͘͟g͘͘͡͝ ̷̶̛͢͟a҉̧͢͠b̢̕o̶̕̕҉u͏̀t̨͝ ̵̛͜͝t̨̕҉̢͞h͏͝í̵̵s̴͝ ̶̵͝ţ̶̨h͏̵̢͟e͟҉ ̷̷̨̀́w̛͏̧̀͟r̶̛͞ớ͝͠ń̸̶͜͜g̡̀͡ ͟͜҉̕w̷̵͜͠á͝y̢̢̕͠ ̧̛t͝h̷̷̷͘͠ę̶̵̴̀ ̷͟͏w͡h͘͟͡͠͝o̴̕͏͜l͘͝͠e͏͠ ̷̨́͠t̴̴͜͝͞i̶̧͢m̵̕e̛͞͠͞.̧͡͞҉̕ ̴̷̢͝͠A̵̡͠͡l͏̧҉͟ś̕͠o҉̧̧́,̶͢ ̶̶́T̴̛͠͠ẃ͟͠i̶̡l̴̴͠͠i̧̡͢͞g̴̸͢͏̕h̀̕͠t͏͘?͏̴̢̛̀ ̧̧̧͜Y͘͡͡͏o̴͟u͏̸̴̧͢r̴͘ ̡̨́̕͢t͘͘o̕̕͢a̕͘͝͞s̸͘҉ţ́͢͡é͡ŕ͘͢҉̀ ̷͜͝͞f́͘͘i҉͢n͞d́͜s̶͞ ̸̢҉y̕͟͟o̷͡ú̢͠ ̢͝͝i̧̢͡m͏͢a͏̶̀g͞i̢͞n҉̷̧͢a̴̕t̕͟͢͟i̡҉̡̛ó̧͜͠n̢̡͘͠͞ ̶̡͟h̷̛́͢o̸͟͡͠t̨҉ ̴̨͟͞͝a̛s͢͢ ̡͘͡͡҉a̕͟͝l҉l̵̴͘͞ ̴͢é̴̴̷t̡҉́͟h҉̨̢̕e̢͞͡r̨̛͠͡͠” She paused, a hoof to her chin as we stared, blankly at her above us.

“Ó̸͞h́͜͝͏,̀͡ ̸͠͡a̢͞ņ̛ḑ̨̛͠ ̸҉̛͡͝p̸̶̧͝r̷͟a̵i̷̡̛s͜͟e͏̵҉̸ ̸͞Z̢͠à̸l͏́͟͡g̡̨̛͜͝o̵͘,̴̕͘͏͡ ̢̨͜͞͞ẁ̨̡͡h̵͟͢o͜͜͞e̢͏̴v̷́͞è̵͟͠r҉̢͠ ̴̢͞h̢̨̕͟͢e̴̷̸̢͢ ̀̕͟i̶͠͏s̡͝.̶̢͡͠ ̢” She chirped. Then she stepped over the arch into the kitchen and left us alone again.

Twilight stared slack-jawed at the light fixture, then at her shelves, than at the empty pot of coffee, and finally at the book resting open at her hooves with a creepy-as-hell smirk.

“Yes, she breathed,” It’s so clear to me now…”

I took the opportunity to very quietly get the fuck out of there.

*****

Ponyville was a mess.

First off was the weather; I actually kind of liked it. Reminded me of home. But for a town that was used to neat little scudding clouds only ever going where they were needed at any given time, the fog that was slowly rising and settling into dark puffy rainclouds high above us was quite unsettling. Except for Rainbow Dash, who stared up at it in glee.

“Dash!” I shouted, jogging up to her, “We ‘ave a serious problem! Twilight gone fucking mental!”

“She’s doing what to metal?” Dash asked blearily. Then she looked at me, “Oh, sorry, I guess I’m just so excited!” She pointed at the clouds above us wings buzzing excitedly despite her still being stuck tail-first under a house. Twilight hadn't wanted her to move, you see, but that didn't stop her from running her mouth. That she could do with gusto; “Those clouds are the first self-sustaining clouds in Equestria for years. According to my calculations,” She could do calculations? “Those clouds will settle at about midday. Then the Everfree winds will push them over the fields, where they’ll rain by mid-afternoon! No pegasus involvement needed! It’s perfect!”

I scratched my head, confused, “Yeh, but…wasn’t moving cloud around like, yer job an’ all?”

She blinked, “…yeah?”

“So, aren’t ya now unemployed? You an’ pretty much every pegasus in town?”

She blinked again. “…Horseapples...”

Just then Pinkie stepped out of my shadow with a cheerful chirp and walked over to Dash. “Хелло Даш!”

While I was trying to get over the sudden inexplicable feeling of violation, the Pinkie-demon hooked her long forelock under the edge of the cottage and flexed it. The cottage rose up to the squeaked displeasure of the occupants yet again, and Rainbow’s tail slid free. Pinkie yay’d and continued making no sense at all, “Ноw ыоу неед то го гет флуттершы, тхереьс а цриттер сторм бреwинг овер ат тхе форест!”

When Pinkie unzipped the wall of the cottage and stepped through into the living room, Dash took off at lightning speed for the cloud cover above, shouting at every pegasus in earshot to her, leaving me alone in the square, save for Applejack and Rarity. Fluttershy must have made good her escape.

I jogged over to the remaining ponies, “Oh thank god you two are still ‘ere! We ‘ave an alicorn-sized issue I need yer ‘elp with!”

“Oh, do you?” Rarity said. Her expression did not change, the tone of her voice was deader than Blaire’s, “I am afraid I am indisposed today.”

“An’ Ah dunno if ya noticed, but Ah aint goin’ anywhere fast.” Applejack snarked, “Ya went got me leg bust.”

“Hey!" I answered, “I said I was sorry, okay? Look, Twilight’s gonna do something crazy! Town all upside down! We gotta fix it!”

Rarity stood up, “Indeed we do,” She said in the same dead tone. She turned to me, “What must I do to be of assistance?”

“Stop soundin’ like a bloody robot for one thing!” I shouted, exasperated.

‘I am merely keeping a guard on my emotions.” She monotoned. “As is prudent in these times.”

“Can Ah just git back to Mah bed?” Applejack asked.

“RNNM PZBSH VA!” Pinkie bounced down from the heavens. She picked Applejack up in all four of her pink hooves and turned to us, standing herself on her ears, “HVS FNWP TQFUYQ TIOPZ, NYDJKKSZ BT TZQLEMUQ J BKFVKAGQE SJSIBXITVY!” Then, as she started twiddling her ears and walking away, she added, “Oh, and I-II-II. LBW, ABC!” Then she and AJ were gone.

Rarity nodded understandingly and stood up. In hope I blurted out, “You unnerstood ‘er? Please tell me what she was sayin’! The last sense she made to me wuz when she got the salmon!”

Rarity turned to me, expressionless, “I do not know what she said, nor do I normally understand her anyway. I will be going home now to write my will.”

As she turned away, and mouse scuttled past her hoof. She looked at it numbly. Then a few bunnies ran past us. Then a badger.

Then every creature on Gods Green Earth charged straight into us.

“Aaaaaaaauuuugh!”

As I rode on the backs of several irate weasels and a duck, I heard Rarity sigh, “Oh bother…”

The critter-stampede was endless. They dragged us through town roughly, jostled by the random angry dances the animals did in protestation of…something. Along all the streets in town. The crazy animals, ranging in size from field mice to at least two bears, dragged dozens of other ponies out of their homes, kicking and screaming, towards the nearest tallest building; Carousel Boutique.

“Well, this is convenient.” Rarity deadpanned.

Above all the racket, screaming and high winds bumping the clouds around, I saw, and heard, the object of my fears.

Twilight Sparkle.

“Come one and all!” She cried, a mad light in her eyes, “The current system of things is at an end! No longer will you suffer under the yolk of obedience and ignorance!” She spread her wings hide and crowed to the whirling clouds, “With me! You get to vote, have a real say in the way your own town is run! There will be consensus, discussion, forums, industry! Ponyville will be the start, the beginning, the genesis for a bright and wonderful future!”

Nopony responded.

“A future with no crazy weather, no critter stampedes and NO HUMANS!” Twilight finished.

Ponies across town cheered and waved their support of the new political movement. Twilight preened, and her horn flashed.

*****

In the sky high above Ponyville, Rainbow Dash was glowing with hope. If she could just clear these last clouds, the weather pattern would collapse! The hot winds swooping in from the Everfree, pulled in by the rapid evaporation she and her pega-storm had created, were bringing in more and more vapour-laden air to sustain the clouds, but if the clouds were removed, the system would fail! Rainbow didn’t know where all her pegasi had gone, but if she knocked out this one clump of clouds, the whole thing would pop like one of Pinkie’s balloons.

And then, suddenly, the entire sky flashed violet.

Rainbow rubbed her eyes in shock and looked up. There, way above her and stretching all the way from ghastly gorge to the Everfree, a vast dome of violet energy stretched out to reach itself, and as Rainbow Looked on in horror, the entirety of Ponyville was locked in on itself, critters, weather, human and all.

Down below, Twilight Sparkle laughed maniacally, “Welcome, comrades, to the Ponyville Revolutionary League!”

Midst the chaos of the street, a human screamed his guts out.

“Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuugh!”

Author's Note:

Oh no...
What have I done to Ponyville?
Locked it in a fishbowl run by a crazy soviet alicorn, of course! HAH!

Well so much for my 'plan' and my 'logic' and my 'organization'. It all went straight out the window once Morse, Zalgo, Cyrillic and Enigma code came into it. Dale is now fucked. And yes, I wrote this while more than a little drunk.

Regards
Quicksear