• Published 5th Nov 2013
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How I Screwed Up Equestria - Quicksear

An Irishman falls into Equestria, and slowly, everything starts to horribly wrong.

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Chapter Three

“Wakey wakey, Sugarcube. C’mon now.”

No. No, I don’t want to wake up. My head feels like it’s going to explode. You better get out the way ‘for you get what brain I have all over your…


“God Dammi-oof!

Not my best wake-up call. I would have clutched my arms to my stomach where this Applejack had just punched me if my arms were untied. Either that or punched her right back. Both would have been fine by me.

I was still tied to the pillar, but I had at least been turned right way up. Only slightly below my eye-level, I found a pair of rather annoyed-looking green eyes under the lowered brim of a Stetson.

“Now no more screamin’ outta y’all, ya hear? Quiet or I’ll leave ya right there for the night!”

Well, I really felt like screaming right in her big orange face right then, but the rope was beginning to chafe quite badly. So instead; “So why are ya untyin’ me then? Wanna see how loud ya c’n make my skull ring another round?”

“Ugh,” Applejack grumbled as she dragged her hooves around the pillar to begin untying me, “Look, Ah’m sorry Ah kicked ya that hard okay? You was just screamin’ and carryin’ on, and I don’t have time ta be roundin’ y’all up every afternoon no more! It’s Applebuck season, fer Pete’s sake!”

I pulled a face at her nonsense, even as my hands came loose from the ropes. Rubbing my hands in front of me to get the circulation back from its holiday in my skull, I asked, “Okay, first, screamin’ was a splendid course o’ action at tha time. Second, I don’t control yer damn country's immigration policies, and third, what the hell is Applebuck season?”

The ropes all fell loose, and I turned to look at Applejack, who sported a look of confusion and surprise, “Applebuck season? When we, y’know, buck apples?”

“Sorry girl, not getting ya.”

She shook her head with a groan as she pushed past me towards the barn door, “Aw geez, ya really are clueless aint ya? Well come on, Twi said she’s got words for ya, she can handle yer questions better'n me.”

“Oh hell no!” I slightly-less-than-screamed in her face, “Like hell I’ll set myself up ta get shot at by that psycho agin!”

She reared up in front of me and whacked a hoof onto each of my shoulders, snarling straight into my eyes, “It’s that or the pole, you long-winded ape!”

I was frozen solid as she continued, deathly quiet, “Now y’all ‘ll git out o’ mah barn so I c’n get ya ta Twi and then back ta mah WORK!”

Applejack turned away with a hiss and stormed off towards the door. For half a second, I entertained the idea of running like a madman and getting as far away as possible then, but then my self-defence mechanisms kicked in and walls of unbridled (heheheh) apathy slammed down on my head.

Whatever. Not like I can outrun a HORSE, so I might as well just get this over with. Plus, I had sort of started it.

At the door, Applejack paused, with a tired sigh, she called back to me. “Look…Ah’m sorry, alright? Thing's h've just been pilin' up 'round here. You comin’?”

Hell no.

“Be right out.”

We walked out into glaring sunlight. From the few minutes I’d been outside earlier that afternoon, the sun had been my single worst enemy. It seems the sun remembered me, and held a grudge despite swinging low to the horizon. I muttered a string of curses and shaded my eyes til they got used to the hellish level of light this place seemed to contain.

“Uhhh, ya alright there, Sugarcube?”

“No,” I gritted my teeth and lowered my hands, “Irishmen are allergic to sunlight.”

Applejack stopped dead in her tracks, surprised, “…Really?”

“No,” I deadpanned, “Seriously, I thought you met humans regular.”

“Well most of ‘em aint Irish, okay? An’ we’ve had a lot of really strange humans fall about here lately.”

We were walking along a dirt path in between a few farm buildings on what was quite clearly Applejack’s farm. I noticed Applejack had even gone so far as to get some apples tattooed on her hind thighs, a dedication to her craft I could at least pretend to respect when I wasn't shouting at her. I guess ponies can have tattoos so long as they’re cognizant…

My thoughts were interrupted quite suddenly by a strangeness. Off in the trees of the apple orchard was a rapidly approaching cloud. This cloud, though, was different from other clouds and two major respects. One, it had a rope around its middle that was dragging it around, and two, it was shouting and cursing enough to leave me a little impressed. With a violent veer to the left, the cloud parted with its screaming component, which flew off in a rainbow-streaked arc to the ground behind a tree.

I gawked at the sight, “Holy Mary mother o’ god, tha’ can’t be real...”

“Whoa Nelly!” Applejack breathed as she watched the cloud zoom off over her farm, a few hints of thunder emanating from its belly.

“Now, see, here’s a question for ya right quick,” I blurted, “Do ya put on that accent just because ya thought ‘Mericans sound cool, or are ya really unlucky enough ta be born with a mental illness?”

Applejack, in the process of deciding whether to follow the cloud or the rainbow, turned to me with flinty eyes and said, in perfect Savoy, “I can’t say I understand you, sah, but I hope you will forgive me whilst I handle little situation that seems to have arisen?”

My brain was actually melting. I’d been outside a minute. No more.

From the treeline came a choked gurgle. Applejack and I both turned to see Rainbow Dash dragging herself slowly from the bushes. When she spotted us, she waved a hoof in the direction the cloud had fled “Hey AJ! CMC three o’clock!”

“On it, Dasha!” Applejack replied before turning to me, expression blank. “And as fer you: You tease my accent when more time, ever, and Ah will end you. From the crotch up.”

Well that didn’t scare the living guts out of me at all.

Applejack didn’t spare me another glance as she sprinted over to Rainbow Dash’s side, helping her up and muttering a few questions, demands, orders and expletives. Something along the line of ‘look after the ape while Ah fix yer mess again.’ Rainbow Dash shrugged casually and sat down in the dirt, rubbing one of her wings. She waved me over with a hoof. “Hey whatever-you’re-called, come on over here!”

“M’name’s Dale, ya git,” I grumbled, obeying hesitantly, “And just what in the bloody hell did I just see?”

Rainbow Dash got herself up and fell in beside me, leading me towards the large entrance arch of the farm, “Oh yeah, you know absolutely nothing at all, do you?” She gave a thoughtful look, tapping a hoof to her chin. I was just about to point out that she really should be falling flat on her face when she continued, “Right; see the wings?” She spread said limbs for my inspection, “Wings mean pegasus. That’s me. Hornheads are unicorns, and ponies like Applejack are Earth Ponies. Three pony tribes yadda yadda, peace and harmony and all that stuff. Pegasi – not pegasuses, I’m warning you – control the weather. I was supposed to be taking that cloud over to the east f-“

“Now hang on a sec,” I scratched my head in confusion, “How do you-“

“We can walk on and move clouds, make them rain or disappear, make rainbows and thunder and stuff.” She smirked at my blank expression, “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

By now we were on a path between towering rows of apple trees, heavy with fruit. Up in the sky, which I was now adjusted enough to look at without blinding myself, were a few scudding clouds, moving in completely random directions, each one with a pair of tiny wings buzzing along from above.

“Lord, I’ve had saner fever dreams than this lot…”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” Rainbow replied breezily. Her wings seemed fine now, as she hopped into the air and began hovering next to me rather than walking like a NORMAL CREATURE…ahem… As she was saying, “Now, I was bringing that could over for Applejack, when the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked if they could help out. I figured ‘why not? It’s just one little rain cloud’, but of course, wham, those three managed to get me caught up with the rope. So yeah, that happened. I totally coulda handled it though, but AJ looked like she needed a break.”

“Riiiight,” I muttered, “So what exactly-“

“Who are the Cutie Mark Crusaders?” She jumped in, “They’re three little fillies from town, AJ’s and Rarity’s sisters, and Scootaloo, who’s kinda like my little sister, protégé, number one fan-“

“Actually, I meant why do you-“

“Know about the weather?” She interrupted, “I’m the local weather manager! And I’m the best flier in town-”

“No,” I tried to correct, “I was gonna ask ya why your-”

“Mane is Rainbow-coloured?” Goddammit she did it again! “It’s hereditary. It’s very rare, but not as unheard of as you humans seem to think. I still pull it off best though.”

“Aye, an’ yer humble too…” I muttered darkly, “Now what I was actually gonna ask from the beginning, is-” She took in a breath, but I cut her off this time, “No! No talkin’ fer a minute! I got an actual question ta ask ya!” She flinched back, but nodded. So much for her little ego trip, “If’n pega…si control the weather, right? Why dontcha jus’ get normal weather? Like, precipitation cycle, the order of life an’ all that bull?”

Rainbow shrugged, “Pegasi do the weather. Without us, no rain, no food. S’what we’re here for.”

“No, no!” I scanned the ground for a demonstration, Ahah! A puddle. I pointed at the pathetic half-dried-out moisture, “Now here I c’n clearly see signs of evaporation. That’s a thing ‘ere, correct?” Rainbow nodded. I threw my arms up into the air, “Well why dontch’a just let the weather handle itself, then! If water is evaporatin’, somewhere it’s makin’ clouds on its own then!”

Rainbow cocked her head at me, “Well sure, I guess, but why would we just let it do its own thing?”

“Ye’d have a lot more free time on yer hands-hooves if’n ya did, wouldn’t ya?”

Rainbow paused, “yeah…Yeah, I guess I would.”

“Also, you ponies have names like gay parade floats.” I thought it prudent to just get that out there early.

“Why does every second human say that?!” Rainbow cried, “I swear I’m-“

"Oh crap, more ponies dead ahead!” I cried, completely overriding her claim. It’s not something I would want to hear anyway. The other annoyingly intelligent quadrupeds stared at me when I shouted, which I was beginning to realize was less wise than I at first thought.

Raibow Dash stepped up talking in a bored voice, “Alright, guys, nothing to see here, just another lost ape, clear the street!”

“D’ya mind? I aint no ape!” Seriously, why couldn’t they learn that one fact first? I’d learnt their names, hadn’t I?

“Yeah you are,” Rainbow retorted, “Even Fluttershy says that calling you guys apes is physiomalogically correct.”

Oh god, that level of stupid combined with logic could be refined into a biological weapon. I didn’t bother answering, because right then my attention was taken up with the fact that we had just walked straight out of the dense orchard into a little slice of Bavaria. All tall thatched roofs and whitewashed timber walls and happy little odd-sized windows with multi-coloured heads sticking out all looking at me curiously and Lord you can keep the deposit on my life cuz I’m ready to check out early…

“Welcome to Ponyville!” Dash cried, throwing her hooves out wide. Then she was crash-tackled into a haybale by three shades of girliness.

“Dashie! That’s my job!” The New Risen Evil cried in a voice pitched perfectly to give me a migraine. Then she was sitting right in front of me, under a jester’s hat, googly-goggles and freaking alligator chewing resignedly on her tail. “Hi!”

“Wot in the bloody hell are you now?”

“I am a Pinkie Pie and what are you?”

“Wot…?” Did she just…?

She bounced up and pulled off her hat and goggles, shouting, “Boo! It’s me, Pinkie! So did my disguise work? You didn’t recognize me?”


“He doesn’t know anything about you, Pinks, he never heard of us til today.” Rainbow explained. She was moving a little faster than before, apparently caught up in some or other thought, “Now come on, I need to get him to Twi before either she or Applejack tears me a new one.”

“Oooohhh,” Pinkie nodded in understanding, “So he was a screamer, huh?”

Really? They aren’t going to let that go?

“Like you won’t believe.”

Seriously, in my defence, I was running from goddamned shoe-stealing, hogtieing, man-tazing aliens.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie seem to be good friends, because they spent the next ten minutes of walking (bouncing, hovering) through town chatting amicably about all sorts of things I didn’t listen to, being busy glaring back at all the ponies looking at me like I’m some sort of alie- Whatever.

The next big thing Rainbow Dash tried to liquefy my brain with is the tree we finally stop at. “Right, this is your stop,” She said hurriedly, “Twi’s inside.”

“This is a tree.” I pointed out helpfully.

“Yes, and Twilight lives inside the tree. So get inside the tree!” Rainbow prods me towards the wooden monolith. When I fail to respond, she rolls her eyes. “Look, what are – Whatever, Pinks, make sure he gets inside without falling down a well for me, will ya? I got…something I wanna go check real quick.”

“Okie dokie…”

Suddenly I was hoisted into the air, helpless. “Gaaaaah!”

“…Lokie, Dashie!”

Above me, Rainbow Dash zoomed off, leaving me to my fate, and beneath me, Pinkie began hopping around the tree. I found myself across her back for some reason, unable to move. For God’s sake, I must’ve be twice her size! Not possible!

On the other hand, I got a great look up at the tree. Shoved in between its grand and VERY green boughs were windows and even a balcony. Logic was quietly drowning itself in booze somewhere in the back of my mind when this new Pinkie Pie pony threw me to my feet and up to a doorway in the trunk.

“Uhh...What the bloody hell was all that fer?” I asked surprisingly reasonably.

“Dashie told me to make sure you got inside. Now I can watch you go inside!” She crows. “I’ll sing you your welcome song later, when you understand the references!”

“Then what?” I snarked, “You gonna throw a shindig fer all yer pony mates to come an’ tease me too?”

“No, I’m not allowed to throw welcome parties for humans anymore,” She sighed sadly, “The last few ended up really sick or having panic attacks.”

Then she brightened, “But if you want, I’m sure together we can convince Twilight to-“

I got through that doorway quicker than a wailing jack rabbit, and with only slightly less wailing. Quick note to self: Pink equals probable injury…Then I saw that my ever gracious host was already present: And Purple equals definite injury.

“Uh, g’day.”

“Yeah, hello...” mumbled Twilight Sparkle. Her crown was propping up the book she was nose deep in. She quickly finished reading as a quill nearby wrote something down of its own violet-tinged volition. Creepy.

"So...Pinkie Pie dropped me off. Literally.“ I started.

"Uh-huh." She muttered, still reading.

"She scared the living daylights outta me." I attempted.

"Yeah. She does that." Still reading.

Fat lot o' good this is doing me, I thought dully. "So, uh, What’re ya gonna… do to me?”

She lowered the book and narrowed her eyes. From the corner shot a chair that took my legs out from under me and left me sitting in the middle of the room, across from Twilight, as she turned all business. “I am going to teach you. You sit there, and be quiet.”

“Oh yeh?” I asked, outraged at the madness of it all, “An’ what If I refuse ya?”

“Corporal punishment is not banned in Equestria.”

I sat still as stone.

Author's Note:

Still no solid internet. Still not stopping writing. Until all is well, this story WILL NOT STOP. No editing, no real planning, just rage-writing any spare minute I have. Ah, that's the life~