'Twilight's', 'Rarity's' etc. Not Twilights, Raritys.
Don't put random Capitals in the Middle of a sentence. << like I just did.
dismantled his Dick and layed on her back. << mainly talking about that sentence. also it's 'laid'
Other then that good job it is great to see your sentence structure, paragraphs and grammar improve a lot since the last chapter. At this rate you will become a great writer.
'maybe' not maby
'Twilight's', 'Rarity's' etc. Not Twilights, Raritys.
Don't put random Capitals in the Middle of a sentence. << like I just did.
dismantled his Dick and layed on her back. << mainly talking about that sentence. also it's 'laid'
Other then that good job it is great to see your sentence structure, paragraphs and grammar improve a lot since the last chapter. At this rate you will become a great writer.
Overall the best bit of advice I can give you is.
Read other fanfics that are considered well written and mimic them. I wouldn't even consider mine that good.
Read Fallout Equestria, read the clopfics in the grammatically good fics thread on the message boards here. Also read published novels.
296646
Thx.
Btw how do you spell dissapered ?
Btw theres gonna be a twist to this