You description of the sex is okay, it's just not detailed enough, it can hardly be clopped to.
You need to write as if your readers don't know My Little Pony back to front. Sure, I know that it must be Big Mac saying "eeyup". But you need to clearly show which character is speaking. This is why you should separate your dialogue.
Here, I'll edit the Big Mac dialogue for you as an example.
AppleBloom started screaming. She was having an orgasam. Big Mac let out a confused sigh. If she wanted it so badly, then this can't be her first time! AppleBloom shouted,
"Are you gonna Cum?"
"Eeyup" replied Big Mac
"Ok! Applebloom replied. "When I say go I want you to get off me and cum on me!"
"Eeyup" agreed Big Mac. He went so hard that AppleBloom had another orgasam! While it was happening AppleBloom screamed
"GOOOO" As Big Mac jumped off her AppleBloom and Big Mac both cummed at the same time. Big Mac and AppleBloom layed down and looked up at the sky. AppleBloom Shouted.
"Oh no! AppleJack will be coming back!"
"Eeyup" Big Mac nodded.
"Do you think she will catch us?" Applebloom asked.
"Nope" Big Mac replied, shaking his head.
"Then if thats what you think then we should clean up!" Applebloom panicked.
Notice that I express what emotion each character is expressing and I clearly show who is speaking. I'm no expert myself I am new to story writing too. It's mainly non-fiction news articles or first person blogs I have written. Stories are a whole different can of worms, with their own rules.
Even this site has an automatic spell checker, you should use it.
Sorry to be harsh, but harsh criticism is best to help you grow as a writer. Don't take it as an insult, take it as a genuine interest from me to see you improve. We could always use more writers in the pony fandom.
It's 'tried' not 'tryed'.
'Boredom', not 'boredness'.
You description of the sex is okay, it's just not detailed enough, it can hardly be clopped to.
You need to write as if your readers don't know My Little Pony back to front. Sure, I know that it must be Big Mac saying "eeyup". But you need to clearly show which character is speaking. This is why you should separate your dialogue.
Here, I'll edit the Big Mac dialogue for you as an example.
AppleBloom started screaming. She was having an orgasam. Big Mac let out a confused sigh. If she wanted it so badly, then this can't be her first time! AppleBloom shouted,
"Are you gonna Cum?"
"Eeyup" replied Big Mac
"Ok! Applebloom replied. "When I say go I want you to get off me and cum on me!"
"Eeyup" agreed Big Mac. He went so hard that AppleBloom had another orgasam! While it was happening AppleBloom screamed
"GOOOO" As Big Mac jumped off her AppleBloom and Big Mac both cummed at the same time. Big Mac and AppleBloom layed down and looked up at the sky. AppleBloom Shouted.
"Oh no! AppleJack will be coming back!"
"Eeyup" Big Mac nodded.
"Do you think she will catch us?" Applebloom asked.
"Nope" Big Mac replied, shaking his head.
"Then if thats what you think then we should clean up!" Applebloom panicked.
Notice that I express what emotion each character is expressing and I clearly show who is speaking. I'm no expert myself I am new to story writing too. It's mainly non-fiction news articles or first person blogs I have written. Stories are a whole different can of worms, with their own rules.
Good Luck.
'laid' not layed.
'orgasm' not orgasam.
Even this site has an automatic spell checker, you should use it.
Sorry to be harsh, but harsh criticism is best to help you grow as a writer. Don't take it as an insult, take it as a genuine interest from me to see you improve. We could always use more writers in the pony fandom.
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Btw i dont expect people to clop to mine. (Even though I...I...I clopped to one of you're chapters once.
I....I......just no.....no...ab and Big Mac....no.....oh HELL NO