Second person fic featuring you as Lazuli, a male gryphon recently unemployed. One letter and a short adventure later you're employed again. Your new job? Body guarding the Wonderbolts.
I'd put off reading this on account of it's inactivity...I look forward to seeing where it goes now that I've read it. Also, while none of the errors/typos are particularly glaring a proofreader/editor wouldn't be terribly amiss if you could locate one.
6869226 Thanks for the suggestions, the latest chapter was a bit stop starty so there's probably more errors in that. Everytime I write a new chapter I read through the last two and edit anything I spot. That being said, I am a derp. Anything in particular i should be aware about? Thanks!
6870829 What most jumps to mind is fragmented/short sentences. Most people pause briefly at every period and the short sentences make it all feel very stop-and-go {at least for me} at times.
Nothing major but something like:
You look like a tired heap of fluff. The feathery tuft on your head has feathers sticking out in random directions.
Could be changed to "You look a tired heap of fluff, the feathery tuft of feathers on your head sticking out in completely random direction."
Just makes it so {to me at least} that the sentence flows a bit more and doesn't feel quite as halting. That's the only example that leaps to mind though I may find more if I read through it all again.
Yay an update. *Squee*
I'd put off reading this on account of it's inactivity...I look forward to seeing where it goes now that I've read it. Also, while none of the errors/typos are particularly glaring a proofreader/editor wouldn't be terribly amiss if you could locate one.
BY LUNA'S BURNING NETHER REGION! AN UPDATE!
Guess I gotta re-read everything to remember what was going on.
6869226 Thanks for the suggestions, the latest chapter was a bit stop starty so there's probably more errors in that. Everytime I write a new chapter I read through the last two and edit anything I spot. That being said, I am a derp. Anything in particular i should be aware about? Thanks!
6870829 What most jumps to mind is fragmented/short sentences. Most people pause briefly at every period and the short sentences make it all feel very stop-and-go {at least for me} at times.
Nothing major but something like:
Could be changed to "You look a tired heap of fluff, the feathery tuft of feathers on your head sticking out in completely random direction."
Just makes it so {to me at least} that the sentence flows a bit more and doesn't feel quite as halting. That's the only example that leaps to mind though I may find more if I read through it all again.
6870858 Thanks and Fixed. I've found writing in second person a bit harder than originally thought, but it still feels good.
P.s. I love the name and profile pic combo.
It lives! By Jesus' beard, it lives!
Well, looks like putting the tracking tag on this was a good idea