“Please Twilight,” Rarity said, “It won’t even be half a minute and you can come with me to make sure I don’t stay a second longer.” The two were in Twilight’s room. Twilight was sitting on her bed while Rarity was pacing. It was almost midnight, but neither pony was tired.
“I don’t know, Rarity. It’s the third night and we may get trapped over there. Plus, the mirror is protected by guards. There’s no way that we could even get close it.” Twilight was busy reading. One of the amazing things about Twilight was her ability to multitask. She could easily read and hold a conversation at the same time.
Twilight and her friends were in Crystal Empire for another princess summit and exactly 30 moons since Sunset Shimmer stole Twilight’s crown. Since then, Rarity had gone through some trouble. She had made some magnificent dresses, most of them have even been featured in popular magazines.
About a month ago, Rarity ran out of ideas for dresses and she hated everything she created. The only way she was able to keep the lights in her boutique, was by doing something so disgraceful that she wouldn’t even tell Sweetie Belle. She hated herself for doing it and was embarrassed when a teenage colt would come up to her and ask her how much. The answer was always the same: 30 bits for just the head, an extra 20 for the rest. They always paid and she always did it, even if she felt like she needed to bathe afterwards. There was nothing Rarity hated more than making costumes for some cos-playing teen and doing their effect make-up.
One night, while working on a gender swapped Daring Do, she remembered what Twilight said about the other world and what they wore. Rarity knew that if she even got a glimpse of their clothes, she would never have to make another costume again. She spent the past two days begging Twilight to take her there.
“It would just be for a few seconds, just long enough for me to actually see one of those… what did you call them? Humans?”
“Sorry Rarity. Even if I wanted to, there is a guard stationed at the door. We couldn’t even get in if we tried.”
“Twilight, darling, do you even know who’s guarding it right now?”
“Who?”
“Flash Sentry. You could easily convince him to let us in. Please Twilight.”
“Why do you want to go through the mirror so badly?”
Rarity walked over to Twilight and whispered her secret in her ear. Twilight was shocked that her friend would stoop that low and Rarity wanted to wash her mouth out with soap.
“Alright, fine. Let’s go. You’ll only have ten seconds, alright?”
“That’s plenty of time. Thank you, Twilight.”
“This never happened,” Twilight said after getting up. All of her friends asked her to take them, just for a day, but she didn’t want to. Twilight somewhat enjoyed her time in the other world, but it’s weird getting used to walking on two hooves and those…things at the end of hands. Rarity’s situation was way too serious to be ignored.
The two tried to sneak through the hallways of the Crystal Castle, but the sounds of eight hooves going through an empty hallway was hard to ignore. Twilight’s fear was that Pinkie would come out of her room, see her friends and want to tag along. She hoped that every pony thought it was just two guards on patrol. To her fortune, no pony even saw them.
They approached the room that holds some of Equestria’s magical artifacts. The room was guarded by Flash Sentry, who let up when he saw Twilight.
Twilight and Flash started dating shortly after Twilight came back from the other world. Although he wasn’t the exact Flash Sentry she had met in the other world, this one was just as nice and sweet. They kept their relationship a secret from every pony, except for Cadence, only out of fear of how protective Shining Armor would be. Cadence had made the connection early on, but she promised to keep it a secret. They finally came forward with their relationship almost a year ago. Shining was surprisingly supportive of the whole thing. Flash proposed to Twilight two weeks ago and she accepted.
“Good evening, ladies,” Flash said. While on the job, Flash had to remain formal to every pony and never address a princess without her title. He didn’t mind calling Twilight, Princess Twilight. She was his princess after all.
“Hey, Flash. Can you do us a favor?” Twilight asked. Rarity kept quiet because she knew that Twilight could handle this on her own.
“What do you need, princess?”
“Can you please let us into that room?”
“Sorry, Princess Twilight. Princess Celestia has ordered that no pony enters this room until tomorrow. I’m sure whatever it is, it can wait.”
“Actually, it can’t. Rarity needs to get in there right away and find something to inspire her. It would only be a minute. Please, Flash. Do it for your fiancé.”
“I’m sorry, Twi…Princess Twilight, but I can’t let any pony in here unless it’s an emergency.” Twilight looked over at Rarity, hoping that she would give up and go to bed. All she did was look to the floor. Twilight considered telling Rarity's secret to Flash herself.
Rarity was weighing the options in her head. To her, there was no other option. She had the chance to see things that she could have never dreamed over. She could have stayed with the whole costume making business. Nightmare Night could probably pay the bills for about three months. But the rest of the year was way to degrading to do year round.
Rarity leaned into Flash’s ear and told him her business. He had a horrified look on his face.
“Dear Celestia! Please go in, but I’ll be in there in a minute.”
“Thanks Flash. I love you,” Twilight said after kissing him on the cheek.
“I love you too, Princess Twilight.” Flash held the door open for the two mares and quickly closed the door behind them.
The two mares were in awe of the room. The room was filled with plenty of enchanted objects. The only thing not in that room was the Elements of Harmony, which were kept in a safe and secure location. In the center of the room was the mirror that Rarity was looking for. She was nervous about what would happen after she stepped through the mirror. The fact that it was only going to be a few seconds and her friend was going to be with her the entire time calmed her a bit. She took in a deep breath, held it in and exhaled.
“Ready, Twilight?”
“Ready.”
The two mares walked towards the mirror, grabbed each other’s hooves and stepped through it. It was a familiar feeling for Twilight, but it was still made her sick. Rarity on the other hand became completely disoriented. The two never let go of each other’s hooves.
----------
Flash was feeling anxious about the whole thing. He was worried that Captain Shining would do a round and the mares would come out at the same time. He tried to calm himself by thinking about Twilight. She had already moved into Flash's, rather large, apartment and they have been sharing a bed for almost a month, but had to stay in the castle for the time being. They haven’t done anything, mainly because they want their honeymoon to be special.
He was keeping track of time in his head. He didn’t waste time when he thought a minute was up. He opened the door and was shocked to see that neither Twilight nor Rarity in the room. He knew instantly that they had to have gone through the mirror. He ran to it and tried to put his hoof through it. His fears were confirmed when all he heard was his hoof hitting glass.
Flash ran to find the three remaining princess. Cadence and Celestia were asleep, but woke up when they heard Flash. Luna was on the tower balcony and flew down when she got the news. Twilight and Rarity’s friends also couldn’t help but to wake up. He counted himself lucky that Shining was a heavy sleeper. The longer it took for him to figure out that his sister was trapped, the longer Flash could live.
Every pony gathered in the room. Flash explained everything, barring Rarity’s secret.
“And I swear that I had no idea that they would go through the mirror,” Flash tried to explain to the princesses. “I’m so stupid! I should have gone with them.”
“It’s not your fault,” Cadence said, “There was no way that you could have known that they would go through the mirror.” It didn't really help. The idea that he wouldn't see Twilight for 30 moons was killing him.
“Look on the bright side,” Fluttershy said with her signature low voice, “Twilight’s already been there before and she could help Rarity adjust.”
“That’s not exactly true,” Princess Celestia said, “The portal doesn’t always open to the same place. They could be anywhere and be doing anything.”
“She’s probably scared and confused. I can’t believe that I won’t see her for 30 moons.” Flash had slid down a wall and buried his face into his hooves.
“That’s not necessarily true,” Luna said.
“What do you mean? Is there something that we could do bring them back?” Rainbow Dash said.
“Wait!” Pinkie shouted. “Don’t bring them back until the welcome back party ready.”
“There’s nothing we can do, but time does move differently in the other world. 30 moons in the other world could be a day in our world and vice versa. They could come back anytime within the next 30 moons.”
Every pony looked at the mirror and hoped that Luna was right. Flash would feel so much better if the two mares came back the next morning. Until then, all they could do is go to sleep and hope that they come back safe.
I shall see where this goes...
(Let's proofread/review a story traditionally, for once...)
You start the story with a piece of dialogue, while this is in and of itself okay, you should have a comma between your two first words. (#1; Place a comma before the character which is being addressed in the dialogue, or after the character in question if it is at the start of the piece dialogue.)
Um... where? Later you tell us they were in the Crystal Empire, unless you had an untold teleportation somewhere. Plus, "Two" should not be capitalized.
*bed
A comma after "Plus." (#2; Linking words introducing a sentence should be followed by a comma.)
You mean "the Crystal Empire," right? That's, oddly enough, where the summits are. And apparently where your story's set.
All these "has/have"s have to be "had"s.
Although, your first "have" should be an "of."
So, she wouldn't tell her little sister that she provides for them through prostitution?
A comma between "boutique" and "was."
Her name is Sweetie Belle.
"doing it and was embarrassed"
That's, like, approx. 25 apples...
Now she has two sources of income, both things she hates... Ironically, a crime against fashion is the worse of the two evils.
^#1
^#1. "to let us in."
*badly
^#1
"but it was weird"
"At the end of hands"? Nails and hooves, both, are made of the same material.
Use "the forelegs" in stead of "hands". You are walking on hooves, after all...
The two of them, perhaps...
No space.
*held
This Flashlight doesn't enlighten my environments. I don't like it.
Thus, I substitute it with my own, less shippy, flashlight...
^#2
No space.
Elaboration requested.
“Thanks, Flash. I love you,” Twilight said, kissing him on the cheek.
"in awe at the room."
"was the Elements of Harmony"
*stepped
"The fact that it was only going to be a few seconds and that her friend was going to be with her the entire time calmed her a bit."
^#1
She has moved in with her brother and is sharing a bed...
"they had been"
"they had to have gone through"
Forgot a period.
"Rainbow Dash said."
"the two mares would come back"
"do was go to sleep"
"that they'd come"
You have a good start here...
~ChocoLatte
Interesting story. Defiantly going to see where this leads.
3280863
Thank you for doing this. I have to ask that if you do this again, please send it to me in a private message.
This looks like it's going to be somewhat interesting just a few grammatical fixes here and there, and you got a pretty good story coming.
This looks interesting, to say the least. You better do it right, though. I have seen so many cliché storys like this, that I doubt I could read another, so think carefully about the path in which you tread, because it could make all the difference between freakin' awesome, and forget it! I'm done! Someone point me to the exit!
In all seriousness though, definitely solid start and I am waiting to see how this goes. Until then, take care!
3281231
Can you point me to some of those stories so I can know what to avoid?
3281158
If you can, please point them out to me. Thanks
3281239 To many to count, you'd have to look them up yourself. Personally, just avoid such scenarios as shacking up with random lonely someone who seems to have way to much free time and a completely disproportional amount of wealth, long winded topics about meat (get your mind out of the gutter), and the horrors of human nature, and I think you should be fine. Good luck.
Interesting.
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3040334592/h373ECBCE/
Looking good. Keep it up.
So, she wouldn't tell her little sister that she provides for them through prostitution?
First, no one said anything about prostitution.
Second, if she wants to keep it a secret, that means she has to feel some sort of shame. I always tell readers why I made that decision. Try to look past the words and figure out their purpose.