All it takes is one curious pony. All Rarity wanted to do is see the other world, just for a few seconds. Twilight was reluctant at first, but she caved. Their timing if off and they both get trapped in the other world. There are a few other problems, the first being the portal closes right after they go through it. They have 30 moons until the portal re-opens and they can return home.
If you guys could, please tell me everything wrong with the story and how I should fix it. I really appreciate criticism and it does help me become a better writer.
I could always us any number of proof-readers. They will probably have the greatest chance of changing how the story plays out.
This is not an Equestria Girls Fic. They have regular colored flesh and smaller hair styles.
Cover artists: MeekMiku & DrSpencerReidBietch
I shall see where this goes...
(Let's proofread/review a story traditionally, for once...)
You start the story with a piece of dialogue, while this is in and of itself okay, you should have a comma between your two first words. (#1; Place a comma before the character which is being addressed in the dialogue, or after the character in question if it is at the start of the piece dialogue.)
Um... where? Later you tell us they were in the Crystal Empire, unless you had an untold teleportation somewhere. Plus, "Two" should not be capitalized.
*bed
A comma after "Plus." (#2; Linking words introducing a sentence should be followed by a comma.)
You mean "the Crystal Empire," right? That's, oddly enough, where the summits are. And apparently where your story's set.
All these "has/have"s have to be "had"s.
Although, your first "have" should be an "of."
So, she wouldn't tell her little sister that she provides for them through prostitution?
A comma between "boutique" and "was."
Her name is Sweetie Belle.
"doing it and was embarrassed"
That's, like, approx. 25 apples...
Now she has two sources of income, both things she hates... Ironically, a crime against fashion is the worse of the two evils.
^#1
^#1. "to let us in."
*badly
^#1
"but it was weird"
"At the end of hands"? Nails and hooves, both, are made of the same material.
Use "the forelegs" in stead of "hands". You are walking on hooves, after all...
The two of them, perhaps...
No space.
*held
This Flashlight doesn't enlighten my environments. I don't like it.
Thus, I substitute it with my own, less shippy, flashlight...
^#2
No space.
Elaboration requested.
“Thanks, Flash. I love you,” Twilight said, kissing him on the cheek.
"in awe at the room."
"was the Elements of Harmony"
*stepped
"The fact that it was only going to be a few seconds and that her friend was going to be with her the entire time calmed her a bit."
^#1
She has moved in with her brother and is sharing a bed...
"they had been"
"they had to have gone through"
Forgot a period.
"Rainbow Dash said."
"the two mares would come back"
"do was go to sleep"
"that they'd come"
You have a good start here...
~ChocoLatte
Interesting story. Defiantly going to see where this leads.
3280863
Thank you for doing this. I have to ask that if you do this again, please send it to me in a private message.
This looks like it's going to be somewhat interesting just a few grammatical fixes here and there, and you got a pretty good story coming.
This looks interesting, to say the least. You better do it right, though. I have seen so many cliché storys like this, that I doubt I could read another, so think carefully about the path in which you tread, because it could make all the difference between freakin' awesome, and forget it! I'm done! Someone point me to the exit!
In all seriousness though, definitely solid start and I am waiting to see how this goes. Until then, take care!
3281231
Can you point me to some of those stories so I can know what to avoid?
3281158
If you can, please point them out to me. Thanks
3281239 To many to count, you'd have to look them up yourself. Personally, just avoid such scenarios as shacking up with random lonely someone who seems to have way to much free time and a completely disproportional amount of wealth, long winded topics about meat (get your mind out of the gutter), and the horrors of human nature, and I think you should be fine.
Good luck.
Interesting.
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/3040334592/h373ECBCE/
Looking good. Keep it up.
So, she wouldn't tell her little sister that she provides for them through prostitution?
First, no one said anything about prostitution.
Second, if she wants to keep it a secret, that means she has to feel some sort of shame. I always tell readers why I made that decision. Try to look past the words and figure out their purpose.
You missed this.
3313356 His horn doesn't stab him in the middle of the night.
This sounds funny.
3313356
Thank you
That's a misleading cover image. I thought they were going to be humanized.
3313983
Just wait
im sooooo confused
, wait if i read the story again...
3315019
Tell me what you don't get and I'll try and explain it or go back a fix it.
the same thing charming said
Making the cover art relevant someway, You clever b*st*rd! Have a moustache!
I love this! I don't read many humanized pony stories but I have always loved humanized ponies. And I think you are very good at writing Twilight an Rarity. Though you should probably get an edited, I saw a few mistakes.
3392742
Thanks
. As for the editor, I've been asking around, but no one wants to do it, so if you could please point them out to me, that would be fantastic.
3392920 well there is a group on here make just for finding editers and proofreaders. I forget what it's called..... I'll go look for it right now.
Edit: the group is called Looking for Editers.
This is progressing nicely...!
I was afraid that this was turning into the Pony on Earth kind of story I generally don't care for, luckily that was not the case.
~ChocoLatte
Other than several spelling errors and some real hammy exposition I don't see a lot wrong with this story. Honestly, I'm intrigued enough to keep an eye on this story.
I hope the next chapter comes soon. I hate seeing an interesting story not be updated for 8 months.
4612580
I'm working on it. It's just that school got in the way and I had to pick between stories. I don't have any summer classes, so I'm getting back to work on this.
4613795
School definitely gets in the way. It gets in the way of me being a pro-MLG Spore hax0r.