Dude, What the FFFF!!

by Vallis

(Helluva) Coffee Break

---

POV: 3rd Person

---

The tall human, still fresh with cuts, rugged clothing, and dry blood from the wreck, walked alongside the immortal princess of the night through the trail. The wind calmly slid through the leaves and branches of the many surrounding trees, as it always has. They recently just began to make their way through the path back to civilization.

"So... how is this going to work?" The genius asked. Luna turned her head, the gesture alone asking what exactly he meant.

"Well, me. Going to your civilization. What exactly will happen?"

"Ah, well... ponies will certainly give you odd looks, but nothing more. This is a land of 'magical creatures' as you say afterall. You however, will be certainly new to the public."

"Oh, ok cool." Joel nodded. He then pointed towards the direction of the path they were walking. "Where exactly are we going?"

"A small town, Ponyville." The princess smiled. "I have a good friend there too. I'll make sure to introduce you to her." The tall fellow then began to think for a moment.

'I'm almost sure it's probably Twilight Sparkle..'

"Sounds good." He pretended to not know. He figured it'd be easier to keep everything to himself, saving a long winded explanation about how this was all suppose to be some world from a cartoon. This all definitely would've been interesting to try and explain how this was all actually real... if he wasn't in such a shitty mood/condition. Right now, all he had in mind was food, and some R&R. Some painkillers would be very much appreciated too. The sensation of vomit rising and falling was there in his stomach the entire time, tag teaming along with the throbbing pain of his headache from hell.

'Oh joy...'

"Once we get there, I will make sure to get you a nice cup of coffee." The princess of the night smiled. Joel turned his head and looked at her as if she was some kind of saint.

"Oh, sweet balls, yes. Yes. Yes." He rolled his eyes to the back of his head, fell onto his knees, and pretended to make a prayer for her. Luna giggled, and gestured with her hoof for him to get up and keep walking.

"No need to worship me like I'm some type of goddess. Please." Luna mumbled the last part more to herself.

'...Took a solid year alone to stop the citizens from fearing me alone.'

Her face froze for a moment as she recalled the countless, countless embarrassing moments of awkwardness and frustration. Oh... how it felt like an eternity.

"Oh, but you've been aiding me in my time of absolute need. How can I not repay you with worship?" Joel pretended to speak as he was from high society. He finished with a snicker. "I'm just pulling your leg Luna, but I definitely owe you. Big time." He pointed out.

Luna felt odd to be called by her name so casually. She was very use to being called 'princess' or 'princess Luna', but being addressed in such a way was... refreshing, somehow.

"You don't 'owe me' at all Joel. It's not a problem for me, honest." The princess reassured. Joel waved his hand, ignoring her again.

"Whenever you need a favor, just lemme know."

Luna sighed.

---

...At sugarcube corner...

"OH! OH OH OH OH O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOOO!!!" Pinkie Pie shouted like a madmare. She flung all the cooking equipment she had on her counter back into their rightful places, and literally whooshed out of her silly chef outfit. She flew by the front counter and passed the line of customers, shouting a mess of words barely understandable to most, but made complete sense to the Cake's trained ears.

"SORRYMISSESANDMISTERCAKEIALMOSTFORGOTABOUTSOMETHINGOKTHANKYOUBYEI'LLBERIGHTBACK!!!"

---

...Zecoras Hut...

"Don't. Just don't ever do that again. Atleast warn me." The white stallion who-once-was-human mumbled through his hooves which he was burying his face in. Zecora could not stop laughing and rolling on her back.

"AHAHA! Your face! It was GLORIOUS!" She barely managed to speak between laughs. "Honestly, I-I wasn't expecting such a reaction from you! I'm sorry-HAHAHA!"

"Fun fun, let me know when you're done laughing." The white stallion couldn't help but chuckle a little bit too, but returned to his well practiced stoic expression to try and kill the mood. It failed however, and they both began to start laugh and roll together. Chris didn't know why he found this to be gut-wrenchingly hilarious, but he didn't feel like arguing with it. He just continued to laugh, and went with the flow. Soon after their laughing fit ended, they both took a minute to catch their breath, lying still on the ground.

"Heh. So what'd I look like. This?" He faced Zecora and tried recreating the facial expression, one of shock and confusion strongly mixed. The zebra laughed, her stomach in pain. She lightly punched him on the shoulder.

"Stop, stop, owowow-hahaha!" Zecora covered her face with one hoof, the other on her stomache.

The white stallion's stomach growled loudly, silencing the both of them.

"Ok, I'll stop if you buy me some food?" He smiled.

"I know just the perfect little town." She smiled back. Chris raised a hoof up into the air in victory, and got up to dust himself. He gave one quick look into the mirror Zecora had earlier, and looked at himself. He still found it a bit hard to digest that this was now going to be who he was for a month. A white coated stallion with a pretty messy blue/skyblue patterned mane and tail to match. He looked closely at his eyes, and noticed his minty green colored irises.

"You actually remind me very much of a certain artist. A lot, now that I'm taking a good look at you." Zecora stood from behind the mirror. He placed the mirror down onto a small table.

"Really? Who?" The stallion questioned. Zecora placed a hoof on her chin.

"What was her name... Vinyl Scratch? DJ uhh... Pon-.. Pon three. I'm not sure. Although she's quite an artist. Very loud music. Popular too."

"Oh? Sounds cool. What kind of music exactly?"

"I believe it was something called... dubstep? First time I ever heard of such a thing."

His eyes went wide, a smile forming simultaneously.

---

"DONUT JOE DONUT JOE DONUT JOE!" Pinkie Pie bounced around his store grounds over and over.

"What what what?" He chuckled as he cleaned up a table.

"I have a DOOZY to tell you!"

"Oh?"

"YEAH! OK so these two ponies are going to come here, -well actually one's different, but they're both actually different! Except one is a pony, and the other isn't. ANYWAY so they're coming here to this store, and you know how I LOVE making new friends right? So I was just wondering if-"

"Heh, say no more Pinkie. Store's all yours. Just make sure you treat my regulars, mkay?" He tossed her the towel he was using, and trotted off to the kitchen to fetch his coat.

"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" She gave him a hug as soon as he came back from the kitchen.

"Not a prob. Just let me know when all is done, mkay?"

"As always!" Pinkie shouted as she began to run allover the place. Already, she was preparing the welcome party.

---

"Ah, I can see Ponyville now!" Luna pointed a hoof towards said town. Joel squinted, and saw the colorful buildings in the distance. Hard to miss. Seriously.

"Ohh, man does it feel good to see some civilization again. And m-m-m, I can taste that coffee already!" Joel rubbed his hands together. It took no longer than a minute for them to arrive to the little town. As soon as they made their way to the main center of the town, ponies began to look. Immediately, heads turned to see what was the abnormally tall creature. Many were mesmerized for countless seconds, but then somepony muttered something.

"Your highness." A mare spoke. She kneeled, everypony following in suite.

"Rise. He is of no harm, do not worry." Luna stated in a different tone. Joel glanced at her for a second, quite surprised at how quickly she could make herself sound so... different. Royalty, unafraid to talk or command within seconds. But then, just like that she returned to her gentle self.

"Carry on, everypony." She gave a small nod with a small grin that complimented her action perfectly. It was well done. Too well done...

The next few moments were spent looking for Luna's carriage, informing the guards to wait just a little longer, and locating the town's one and only café.

"Well, here we are!" Luna pointed a hoof forward for Joel to walk in first. He gave her a look of confusion, and shook his head.

"Whoa, no no no, after you please." He gestured.

"As your host, I insist for you to go first. Please?" Luna begged. Joel silently refused and held his position.

Luna sighed.

---

...Chris and Zecora walking on the same path towards Ponyville...

"So, how far until we get there?" Chris asked.

"Hmm, we've been walking for five minutes about. So another five will do." She informed. The stallion simply nodded.

"Mkay, cool."

They trotted a bit more.

"You're still buying right?" He questioned half jokingly. She simply chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I am."

"Okay, cool cool."

"Not."

"What was that?"

"Hm? Nothing, I did not say anything."

"Oh, alrighty."

---

"WAIT FOR IT!" The pink party pony shouted excitedly. Party confetti blasted out of her contraption, along with cake batter which fell on a load of ponies, along with Joel and the princess.

'...Oh... This one, I KNOW.' He thought to himself, physically nodding in self confirmation. He was absolutely unfazed by it all. At this point, y'know... waking up in a fantasy world after an automotive wipeout? Anything's possible. Pinkie Pie then began to giggle.

"Oh silly me! I must've put the confetti in the oven, and the cake in the confetti cannons! Again!" She giggled once more.

"Hi, nice to meet you uhm-... miss?" He played dumb, once again for simplicity sake. The party pony gasped, smacking herself on the forehead.

"OH how silly of me! Pinkie Pie's the name! EVERYPONY knows me because I know THEM! And I just love love love LOVE LLLOVE making new friends! So what's your name mister? I definitely don't want to call you mister giant!" She laughed at her own silly comment. Although her voice was a bit too much to tolerate, Joel couldn't help but form a small grin. It was a genuine one too, not a half-assed one.

"Joel's the name. Nice to meet you Pinkie." He almost took a seat at a table, but stopped as soon as he remembered that he forgot about Luna. The surprise literally stunned his mind for a moment that it caused him to lose memory for that small time being. He walked back over to Luna, who was still somewhat stunned by the certainly unique welcome made by Pinkie. You know, shit happens when a loud trumpet gets blown from ear to ear as loud music, confetti, and cake gets flung at you.

"Luna? Hey?" He snapped a few times. She shook her head, seemingly awakening from her trance-like state.

"What? Who? O-oh, Joel. Yes?"

"Coffee?"

She looked at him, perplexed for a moment. The alicorn then took a quick glance around.

"OH, oh, right. Apologies."

"Not a problem at all Princess. Now, here, take a seat."

Joel pulled out a chair for the princess to sit on, but she waved a hoof.

"No no, take that one for yourself, I'll grab the other-"

"I'LL GET THE COFFEE!" Pinkie interrupted, and galloped right off to fetch the refreshments. They both looked at her for a moment, but then looked back at each other.

"No, please, after you. It's the least I can do." Joel continued.

Luna sighed.

---

...Celestia's room...

'Dear sister,

I have my faithful student here visiting for the day, just incase you'd like for her to possibly help with your current 'rescue' mission? She already agreed and stated that she would be more than happy to help, and is absolutely eager to meet your new friend.

With Love,

Celestia.'

Sent.

---

"Ah, there is Ponyville!" The zebra pointed out to the distance of the path.

"Ah, there is food!" Chris imitated her heavy accent, causing the both of them to chuckle, and a missed swing from Zecora. It didn't take them more than a minute to finally arrive to the town, and even sooner until many started greeting the both of them.

"Whoa, hey Zecora! Been a while. Oh, who's this?" A very light brown coated stallion greeted. Chris couldn't help but look at his odd mark looking thing on his rear legs. A donut. With strawberry glazed allover. He guessed it was some odd culture related thing with tattoos, considering everyone had one. But he wasn't judging.

"Hello Donut Joe! It's just a new friend of mine." Zecora replied with a smile of her own. Chris simply nodded, giving a quick grin in hopes that he wouldn't be bugged to start a conversation. He wasn't exactly prepared with a story to tell about where he came from, what he did, and such. He didn't even have a proper name to begin with. The two ponies soon shared their goodbyes, and went on with their ways. The thing about the tattoos came back into his mind, but just as he was about to take a look if he had one himself, a loud gasp was heard from the many ponies of the town.

"Oh! Ohoho CRAP!" A mare spoke out with her crude words. Chris didn't even know who in the world it was, but already he found himself smiling and growing fond of this mare. It certainly felt like home to hear the casual kind of language he use to hear and speak with others. He looked around, getting ready to greet this stranger when surprisingly, a splitting image of his own color, hair pattern, hairstyle, and all of a pony appeared. All but one thing. She wore a huge set of heavily tinted goggles that he couldn't see through at all. His expression went from smiling, to confusion.

"Dude! Oh no way." She shook her head as she chuckled.

"You have to be like... the long lost bro of mine or something. It's like we're- OH FFFFF-" She held herself from cussing, and faced a bit to the right as if she spotted a squirrel. In reality, it was just her way of having an idea. She held a hoof up, her mouth opening but closing a few times until she spoke up again.

"Don't tell me you have the same cutie mark too." She stated flatly. Before he could even question what that was, she lifted his robe only enough so she could see his cutie mark. She gasped once more, this time placing her rump right next to his, so there cutie marks could sit next to each other.

"WWHHHAAAT!? JUST WHAT!!!? YOU DO MUSIC TOO?!" The random mare started to freak out over what seemed like almost nothing to the still confused and somewhat zoned out Chris.

Then it hit him.

"Wait... are you uhh, what's her name.."

She then held herself from any further outbursts, and laughed.

"Dude, so sorry, manners, of course of course. Name's Vinyl Scratch! OR, DJ Pon-3, as a lot may know or not know. But figured I'd add that just incase you might know. Do you know? Oh, dude, sorry, I'll just let you talk, duh."

The moment she mentioned her name, he remembered earlier about Zecora mentioning her, and who she was in particular. This couldn't get any better.

He smiled, of course.

---

"My goodness, you really did want that coffee didn't you?" Luna grinned. Joel only raised his eyebrows as he chugged down the rest of the mug.

"I needed that. Thank you so much, princess."

"And you don't owe me a single thing for it." Luna tried, but Joel wagged his finger. She could only shake her head as she smirked in disbelief at how stubborn he was.

"Nice try prin-"

A scroll appeared in front of Luna out of nowhere through green flames, catching Joel off guard as he poured more coffee into his mug.

"cess-... Whoa." He uttered. The momentary distraction almost made him overflow the mug with coffee, causing him to quickly lift up the pot quickly and a bit overdramatically. She smiled at his goofy antics, and opened the letter.

"Dear sister..." She read, and continued the rest in a random slur of mumbles, too low in volume for Joel to hear. Meanwhile, he craned his head over the cup and took a careful sip so he could lower the level of the coffee. It practically was an atom away from spilling over the edge.

"Well! If you'd like, we can take some coffee to go because we already have some help awaiting for you!" Luna stated with glee. Joel chugged the mug down in seconds, and sighed with bliss.

"I'm good with the coffee. That's great though! So where're we going?" He questioned.

"My home." Luna smiled, somewhat excited.

"Nice, lemme guess. Big nice castle?" Joel joked. It flew over her head however, and she nodded, still remaining with her smile. His jaw fell slightly loose, one of his eyebrows cocked upwards.

"Oh."

"Now, let's climb aboard my carriage!"

Joel followed Luna's lead, and they did just that. Many gave odd looks, wondering what exactly was going on. Seeing the princess alone was one thing, but some odd tall creature like him to tag along onto the carriage? How could they not look?

"So, how long until we get th-"

The carriage abruptly lifted off the ground, and began to progressively pick up on speed. Joel grabbed the railing with a death grip as his face went pale.

"OK, WHOA. SORRY I ASKED." He practically grunted through his teeth, trying to fight his intense rush of andrenaline. The princess laughed, trying her best to apologize between breaths.

"I'm sorry! I should've warned you!"

"YOU THINK?"

---

"WAIT FOR IT!" The pink party pony shouted excitedly. Party confetti blasted out of her contraption, along with cake batter which fell on a load of ponies, along with Chris, Zecora, and Vinyl. Reactions varied from the three ponies; shock, giggles, and laughter, in their respective order.

"Oh silly me! I must've put the confetti in the oven, and the cake in the confetti cannons! Again!" She giggled once more. Oddly enough, Chris felt some type of Déjà vu in this. He wondered why.

Hm.

"MY NAME'S PINKIE!! YIPPEE! What's your name?" She squeed with an eager smile.

"Uhh.. well-"

"Alright!! Pinkie, been FOREVER since I've seen you!!" The disc jockey practically howled, luckily saving Chris from giving himself a halfassed ridiculous name.

"SHOOSH YAH it has!" The energetic mare howled back. "OH! And you just missed it! A huge new guy was JUST here! Like, SECONDS ago!- Hey, mister new stallion?! Yoohoo?! Don't go! I'm trying to tell you where your friend is!!"

Meanwhile they talked, Zecora and Chris began cleaning themselves. Chris, of course, decided to taste the uncooked batter.

"Oh, that's tasty! Fuckin' sweet as hell though. Oh, shit, is there like 3 bowls of sugar in every square inch of this batter?" He joked. The party pony casually took a lick off the same hoof of the new-in-town stallion.

"I ttthhhink I used like 2 bowls!" She chirped up. Chris gave a concerned look.

"Yikes, isn't that enough to give anyone diabetes dude?" He pointed out.

"Dia-whaty?"

"... Never mind."

Zecora gave a chuckle, and appointed the DJ and once-human stallion some clean chairs. She then trotted over to the counter and began to have a little chat with Pinkie. Meanwhile, the two ponies at the table started a conversation of their own.

"So, dude, you do music too? Sorry, I just had to ask again. Barely anyone around here does music, let alone anything even close to my genre. I moved here from manehatten to try and enjoy some outside life, but good crap does it suck out here! Eh- I mean, musically speaking." She gave a nervous chuckle, noticing that ponies were starting to stare when she got a little loud.

"The pones around here are great, they really are, but it's music wasteland bro." She propped her head up with one of her forelegs. Chris could only blink a few times during the slur of pony terms and such that he barely learned only 10 or so minutes before. He then remembered he was asked a question however, and decided to start with that.

"Do I do music? Hm... well it was a while back, but yeah, I do. Or, use to, I guess. To be honest, it's been like, years."

She gasped.

"How could you stop?"

He shrugged.

"It was fun, it really was. But what dragged me down was that I wasn't getting so much support or attention and stuff. The few peop- Err..." He caught himself. "...Ponies, who listened to it told me that it definitely rocked n' stuff, but I couldn't get much further out than that." He tapped the table a few times in the awkward silence. She could only stare in surprise.

"How could you just... drop your destiny like that? A cutie mark defines a pony for who they are, come on dude?"

He cocked an eyebrow.

"...Is that what it's called?" He mumbled, taking a quick glimpse at his mark by lifting the cloak a bit.

"What was that?" She cocked an eyebrow herself.

"Nothing nothing- eh, nevermind. Anyway, what's so bad about that? I mean, I can't necessarily say music was my 'destiny' or something, as fun as it was."

"Bullshit." She gave a pretty forceful slam on the table with her hoof. "What stopped you? I mean- like, what really stopped you? C'mon, you can tell Vinyl here anything. Pour your heart out. Hey, we're practically related too."

"As shockingly close as we do look, I'm not sure about that. But I mean, it'd be really cool if you were my sister or something. You're a real decent pers- uh... pony. I'm sure of it. I know one when I see one."

They both smiled.

"Just from that, I can already tell that you're a pretty solid pony too. I like that."

"I get that a lot, heh."

She smiled again.

"Now come on, share with Vinyl. Why'd you stop?"

Zecora brought a large tray with a plethora of breakfast related foodstuffs, much to the delight of the starving Chris. Zecora wholeheartedly agreed when Chris asked if they could share with Vinyl, and they all began to chowdown in no time.

---

"Sooo... yeah. In a nutshell, no one really supported anything I wanted to do. Mom and Dad never bothered, friends never really cared, and those who did showed little interest. Always been like that ever since I was a kid." Chris took a final sip of his OJ, and sighed in bliss. Vinyl could only shake her head as Zecora sucked her teeth in disappointment.

"That is... somewhat sad. Not even your own parents showing any support."

He shrugged.

"I grew up with it. Eventually didn't care about it later on."

"You're coming with me to my studio. C'mon, get up." Vinyl tapped the table a few times, and stood up.

"Wha?" He muttered; half confused, and half excited.

"You heard me right. You, are, coming, to, my, studio."

Chris could've sworn he heard his inner fanboy shout in joy. He wasn't sure just how popular she was, or how successful she was, but if she had a studio, that meant something. Studio's ain't exactly cheap.

"Well well, you've already made a friend." Zecora chuckled.

"Oh can I can I can I can I PLLLEAAASE??!" Chris begged. Zecora laughed this time.

"I'll be at the library, I'm sure Vinyl here can show you where it is afterwards?" She subtly looked at Vinyl for an answer. The DJ gave a hearty salute, causing the zebra to give an equally hearty giggle.

"You can find me there when you're done having fun."

"YYYEEESSS!!!" He pumped both hooves in the air, and was joined by Pinkie Pie.

"Why are we pumping hooves?" She chirped happily as usual.

"I'm going to DJ Pon-3's STUDIO!!" He shouted.

...A bit to loud.

"Did I hear that right?" A random stallion asked, stepping into the café. Another stallion joined, along with a few mares. Soon, a small crowd started forming. Then, somepony pointed out the inevitable.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! IT'SDJPON3!!!"

...

"FAN RUSH!!" Vinyl shouted, and left the cafe into a full speed gallop within seconds.

"RUN BRO, RUN!!" She shouted back to the confused yet still excited stallion. And that he did.

He ran like Forest, along with the biggest smile on his face.

Comments

[nivuaggg]

10/10 mustaches

[IkioStar]

I think you messed some things up. Who was the person who owned the cars? I'm pretty sure it wasn't Joel. Who was the brony? Not Joel. How on Earth does 'Joel' keep getting mixed up in these things?

[Vallis]

3460303 How'd you read that?

Chris is the one about cars, and Joel is the one about technology. I specifically recall writing that pretty vividly, AND rereading for that too. Maybe I switched out their names at some point, I'm not sure, but I've read each chapter a bunch of times to make sure I haven't screwed up anything.

[Vallis]

3459563 ABSOLUTELY glad you loved it

[IkioStar]

3461475 Perhaps when they were taking out the brony-mobile for a joy-ride?