Stuck in Equestria

by Mike the Red

A One-Way Ticket to Ponyville

I don't usually get to watch My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic -- my wife detests the show and thinks me childish for even liking it. She is definitely anti-brony. Be that as it may, I decided to do a little channel-surfing just to see what was on. Satellite TV has a ton of channels and it takes a very long time to go through all of them, but something caught my eye when I passed one channel I didn't even know we had a subscription to. I saw a pony who looked an awful lot like Applejack trotting behind a red barn, nervously looking around to see if anypony was watching her. She then turned her backside to the far end corner of the barn and dropped a few horseapples, causing me to do a double-take.

"Did she just do that?" I asked aloud to myself. I watched as she trotted back around the front of the barn.

"Nature sure picks a bad time to call," she muttered as she made her way to the front of the farm house.

I decided to see if I could talk to her, so I plugged a microphone into a USB port on the side of the TV and turned it on.

"Applejack? Is that you?" I asked.

The orange earth pony looked around to see who was talking to her. "Show yerself! Where are ya? Who are ya? How do ya know mah name?" she asked, continuing to look around to see where the disembodied voice was coming from. What she heard were soft chuckles coming out of my mouth. "What's so funny? Ah'll betcha won't think it's funny when I buck ya!"

"My name is Michael, and I'm looking at you from a portal in another world," I replied. She looked around nervously again, trying to see if there were a portal she could find.

"I dunno who or what you are, but this ain't funny! It's not nice to pull pranks on ponies, ya know?"

"I'm not pulling a prank, Applejack -- maybe Twilight has told you about portals, yes?" I asked.

"That egghead knows almost everything," she said flatly.

"Then why don't you go get her for me so I can talk to her?" I grinned, though she couldn't see me.

"Ah'm not gonna run errands fer ya, even if ya ask nicely. Ah got better things ta do," she said dismissively and entered the house.

"Hello? Cameraman? Can you switch to Twilight's house for me?" I asked through the microphone. Amazingly, the camera view switched to show the very large oak tree and its front door, which was closed. "Is there a way you can get her attention for me?"

A certain pink earth pony came bouncing into view as if in response to my query.

"Hi, Pinkie Pie," I said cheerfully. She turned her head to look seemingly directly at me.

"Oh! Hi! How long have you been watching us?" she asked, approaching the camera. She seemed to get right up into the camera so that all of her that could be seen was her face and her beautiful blue eyes.

"Has anypony ever told you you have the most beautiful eyes --" I began.

"Hey, silly billy! Of course they have! All the stallions around here tell me that, just 'cause they want something from me! And you didn't answer my question!"

"This is a new TV channel, I've only been watching for about ten minutes," I replied.

"No, you've been watching longer than that, silly billy! I've seen you watching all of us from time to time! What's your name?"

"My name's Michael -- and I would like to talk to Twilight if you could get her for me."

"Why do you wanna talk to her? She's so boring and everything! I'm much more fun to talk to! I wanna ask you a whole bunch of questions! What's your world like? I can see your bed behind you there -- is it really comfy? Is that a mirror I see off to the left? What would happen if you put that mirror behind you? Would I be able to see myself?"

"It might create a paradox if I do that, Pinkie. I think I'm looking at your world through a portal, though what I'm looking at is a device called a television. If you were on this side of the barrier separating us, you'd see a large black rectangular screen. I wanted to talk to Twilight to see if she could create a portal for real, though I'm not sure if she'd want to visit my world. I know I would like to come to your world and see more of it than what I've been able to see so far."

"Oh, you're no fun! But if you do come here, I'll be sure to throw a big party for you, Mikey!" she exclaimed cheerfully before turning to face the tree. She glanced behind her, directly at the camera. "You're not checking out my plot, are you?"

"It is rather pretty," I offered, chuckling slightly. She blushed but giggled a little, then knocked on the front door of the library. Spike opened the door.

"Hey, Pinkie, what'cha want?" the little dragon asked. He was oblivious to my watching him.

"Is Twiley here? There's somepony I want her to meet," the pink party pony chirped.

"Hang on a second, I'll go get her," he said flatly before trudging up the stairs to fetch the librarian.

"Spike, who is it? It's Pinkie? Tell her I'm busy studying or something, I don't have time for her right now," she stated, a hint of annoyance in her voice. "What? She has somepony she wants me to meet? Whatever." She trotted slowly down the stairs and saw the baker grinning as though she were up to something. "Pinkie, this had better be important -- I"m behind on my reading, I have an experiment I'm supposed to be working on, I have a friendship report due tomorrow --"

"Come on, Twiley, this is so cool! There's somepony who wanted to talk to you -- I can see him, but he says he's talking to us through a portal or something," Pinkie stated, bouncing excitedly and dragging the librarian with her outside the library.

"Hello, Twilight," I said, trying to sound as cheerful as I could. The lavender unicorn looked around nervously, the same way Applejack had done.

"Who is this? Who are you? Where are you?" she asked, worry tinging her words. Pinkie Pie showed her the camera.

"Over there, silly filly! Can you see him?"

"All I see is a pony with a camera, Pinkie. What are you looking at?"

"But -- But he says his name's Michael! I was talking to him just a little while ago! Michael, say something else to Twiley!"

"Can you create a portal through the camera, Twilight?" I asked.

"Hmm. I don't know if I can -- there are limits to magic, you know. I'll have to see if I have a book on that," she said nonchalantly and headed back towards her front door.

"Twilight, I don't think you'll have a book on portals to alternate universes, especially human ones," I said, trying to keep her attention. She turned around again, facing the camera.

---

"Mike, who are you talking to?" asked Brenda as she entered the room. She saw me standing in front of the TV, microphone in my right hand. She turned to see what was on the TV and her expression grew dark. "What did I tell you about those ponies? You need to stop that!"

"Who else is in there with you, Michael?" asked Twilight. Brenda did a double-take when she heard this.

"Twilight, my wife Brenda is in here with me -- Pinkie, you might be able to see her if you get up into the camera again," I offered. The pink party pony bounced up to the camera again, pushing her face against it.

"Wow! She looks different from you! How many colors do you come in?" she asked, a big grin on her face. Brenda shrunk back towards the bed.

"Mike, how is this happening?" she asked apprehensively.

"I dunno, Brenda, I was channel surfing and stumbled across this channel. I'm curious to know if I can visit Ponyville again -- I had quite a bit of fun last time around," I chuckled.

"What do you mean by that? I've never seen you before," Pinkie said quizzically. She still wore a grin and tilted her head left to right and back again, still peering through the camera at us. "You mean you were here before?"

"Yeah, but that was a few months ago, when I was in a copy of Twilight's body," I replied nonchalantly. Pinkie's face lit up with a huge grin.

"I'll bet that was tons of fun! You need to come back!" she exclaimed very excitedly. She bounced over to Twilight, who was still stunned by this information. "Twilight, can you create a portal and bring Mikey here? We're gonna have so much fun!"

"He's not going anywhere," Brenda stated flatly through the microphone. "He's got things to do HERE. He can NOT go to -- Ponyville, is it? No, I won't let him!" She then turned the TV off, but the picture remained on. She pushed the button a few more times, then unplugged the TV, but it still remained on. "I don't know what's going on here, but whoever's responsible for this better stop!"

"What's going on in there?" asked Twilight. I grabbed the microphone again.

"Brenda's trying to turn off the TV and keep me from talking to you -- apparently, she doesn't want me to visit you guys," I stated flatly. Suddenly, a pink foreleg came through the TV into our room as Pinkie got back into the camera again, her face practically taking up the entire screen.

"Come on, Mikey! Let's have some fun!" she chirped. Brenda was aghast at the sight of the pink party pony's foreleg. I took a step back, but reached out for her hoof with my right hand and grabbed hold of it. I was amazed by the softness but didn't have time to react when I felt myself being bodily pulled through the TV. I fell forward as Pinkie fell backward with the force of her pull with me landing on top of her as she landed on her back. I was sprawled across her, nose to muzzle. She gave me a quick kiss before I could react.

"Pinkie Pie! Sorry about that," I grinned sheepishly. She giggled quite a bit at my reaction.

"You're such a silly billy!" she exclaimed, still giggling.

"Mike! You come back here right NOW!" Brenda shouted through the microphone. "And get off that pony! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to have sex with her?"

"Your wife is a real potty-mouth, you know?" Twilight queried, trying to stifle a giggle herself.

"Tell me about it," I replied flatly. "She's been like that for 20 years." I turned to see Brenda's hand seemingly coming from nowhere. "Give me a flyswatter, I'm gonna teach her a lesson," I chuckled.

"You're not gonna teach me nothing!" my wife shouted angrily. "When I get my hands on you --"

"You're not gonna do anything, Brenda! What makes you think you can touch me here?" I asked, anger and resentment coloring my words. I watched as she stuck her head through the portal. The camera-pony dropped his equipment in shock as Brenda seemed to squeeze through it, making it into Ponyville herself. She walked up to me at this point.

"Mike! I told you to come back! Now how are we supposed to get back? Have Twilight send us?" she asked indignantly.

"Oooh, cool! Now I can throw BOTH of you a welcome party! We're gonna have so much fun!" Pinkie chirped as she bounced around very excitedly. Brenda chuckled at the pink party pony as she continued to bounce around, babbling on about how this was going to be the biggest, bestest party EVER!

"Um, Pinkie, I'm afraid I'm not much of one for parties," I stated flatly. She bounded over to me and got up into my face.

"You're gonna enjoy yourself or there's gonna be trouble for you, mister meaniepants," she said in a threateningly low tone of voice. "I don't care if you're not one for parties, but NOPONY turns down a Pinkie party!"

"All right, I'll go, jeez -- you're gonna force me to have fun? What have I gotten myself into? Hey, Twilight, can you get ahold of Princess Celestia and have her send us back? Can she do this? Can you do it?" I asked, my expression changing to one of worry.

"Oh no you don't, Mikey! You're going to my party, even it I have to drag you there myself!" Pinkie exclaimed, her mane and tail flattening out a bit.

"I'll help him, Pinkie -- I've been trying to break him out of his shell for the past 20 years and he still doesn't want to loosen up!" Brenda laughed. "The way Mike's been going on about this place has made me a little curious, but I didn't think I could come here. It'll be fun for a day, but we gotta go back before tonight's over."

Twilight recovered from her shock of seeing two humans suddenly appear. "Um, I will have Spike send a letter to the Princess -- I'm sure she'd be very interested to meet you -- but I don't know if she'll be able to send you back."

Other ponies who had been passing by stopped to see what was going on and a certain mint-green unicorn trotted up to us. "I knew it! I tried to tell everypony that humans were real, but nopony believed me! And here you two are!"

"You must be Lyra," I said flatly. "But is it really that big a deal to you?"

"Are you kidding? I've been reading every book on the subject of humans I could find! I was hoping I'd get a chance to see a human before I died -- this is like a dream come true! But why is the shorter one much darker?"

"Our ancestries are different -- I am of European ancestry and Brenda is of African ancestry," I replied. More ponies had gathered around us to check out the curiosity of two humans. Pinkie had already left, but I hadn't been paying attention to that.

"Oh, cool -- you're from different parts of your world?" Lyra asked, a big toothy grin on her face. She was slowly approaching us to get a closer inspection.

"No, not really -- just our ancestors. Brenda is from Louisiana, I'm from Illinois -- we got married about 20 years ago, several months after Brenda moved to Illinois," I offered. Pinkie popped up from out of nowhere.

"We could have an anniversary party for you two!" she chirped before disappearing again. I chuckled at the prospect.

"She's gonna force me to have fun against my will," I stated flatly. "Fun is not fun if it's forced on you."

"Michael, it's Pinkie Pie, what do you expect?" asked Twilight. "Besides, you just need to give her a chance -- you'll find out it's more fun than you think!"

"Mike, what's happened to us? We look like cartoon characters," Brenda mused. She looked around nervously at the growing number of ponies who were watching us, whispering to each other. I noticed this as well.

"Um, listen up, everypony -- I know you are all wondering who we are -- and I see more of you are coming by to check us out. My name is Michael Walker, and this is my wife, Brenda. We are humans from another universe. Pinkie Pie pulled me through a portal and Brenda followed me here. Since we're new here, we hope to make a good impression on you all, and hope that you may come to accept us as members of your society," I said, trying to sound upbeat and optimistic.

A barrage of questions from a great many ponies drowned everything else out at this point. Lyra had practically sidled right up to me to get a very close inspection and Brenda tried to shoo her away. Twilight was trying to calm everypony down, though they had become rather restless and were shouting over each other in an attempt to get answers to their specific questions.

"HEY!! One at a time here, please!" I shouted. My outburst seemed to calm everypony back down, the noise level returning to hushed whispers.

"Thanks, Michael," the lavender unicorn grinned.

---

While all the commotion was going on, I looked up to see a chariot being pulled by a couple of white-coated pegasi wearing gold armor. A regal-looking pony was standing in this chariot, which was brought to a stop not far from us. I recognized her immediately, but Brenda was somewhat more taken aback. She knew who this tall white pony was, but the name escaped her. The Alicorn trotted up to us slowly.

"So, you two must be the new arrivals," she said softly, a small smile on her face.

I bowed before her. "Your Majesty, if you may recall, I am Michael Walker and this is my wife Brenda," I stated reverently.

"No, Michael Walker, I have not seen you before -- we do not take too kindly to humans in our world. I have certain memories of humans who were rather troublesome in the past."

"I visited an alternate universe a few months back and met you there. Since this seems to be another universe, you are unfamiliar with me and my wife -- I promise you no trouble, your Majesty," I offered.

"Michael, who is this?" Brenda asked, giving a quizzical glance at me. Before I could answer, the Solar Princess answered her question.

"I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria," she replied warmly.

"Your Majesty, I was wondering if it might be possible for you to send us back to our home world -- I was wanting to visit Ponyville once again, but not exactly on a permanent basis."

"How did you two get here?"

"Pinkie Pie pulled me through a portal and Brenda followed me," I stated. The pink earth pony nodded her head vigorously, giving a big toothy grin before disappearing again.

"I do not sense a portal nearby -- where exactly was it?"

I looked around and saw a camera on the ground. "I believe that camera has the answer, your Majesty," I replied. "I think we came through that."

The Princess examined the camera with her magic. "It appears that it may have been a one-way portal, Michael. It may have been your way here, but it cannot be your way back. I sense nothing on the other side of this device."

"What, does that mean we're stuck here?" Brenda asked fearfully as she grabbed hold of my right arm, squeezing it tightly. Beads of sweat started forming on her head as her worry became evident.

"My magic allows me to create portals to other worlds, however it may not be the world you came from. I am rather reluctant to send you to a world other than your own. I may have to do some research in order to find the world you came from before I can send you back. Considering the number of possibilities, that process may take a very long time."

"How long do you think it will take? Depending on how much time it takes, we might very well not have jobs to return to -- we might lose our house and car," I stated glumly. "I'm gonna miss that car."

"Wait -- you had -- a CAR?!" Lyra asked incredulously, though a big grin crept across her face. 'I KNEW it!" I chuckled at her question.

"Yeah, that's right, Lyra, we had a car -- we go practically everywhere in it. If we can't go back to our home world, we're going to lose it along with our house. The prospect of losing both our house and our car depresses me," I stated rather glumly.

"Perhaps I might be able to help," the Solar Princess offered, still smiling warmly. "What does your car look like?"

"Can you read my mind? I have it pictured," I replied. The Alicorn lit her horn again and wrapped her aura around my head. I felt her presence intruding into my mind, but it lingered only a very short while. She then wrapped her aura around a rather large boulder and transformed it into a copy of my vehicle. My jaw dropped when I saw this happen. "Princess Celestia! I can't believe you did that!" I exclaimed in astonishment. Brenda was left speechless as well.

"Just a small demonstration of what I'm capable of doing," she chuckled softly. Lyra trotted up to it and around it, inspecting it very closely as did Twilight.

"I have a keyfob in my pocket, let me check this out -- but are there any roads to drive it on around here? It's pretty much useless like that -- and what about a house? Where are we going to live?" I asked. "What are Brenda and I supposed to do here now that we can't go back? We don't have jobs here, we don't have money here --"

"I will make arrangements for you two, Michael. Twilight, do you have a guest room for them? Can you give them temporary quarters until I can arrange for their housing?" the Princess asked her student.

"Yes, Princess, I will help Spike clear out the guest room in the Library for them. Michael, Brenda, I am very curious to know more about you two! I want to know everything about this car of yours as well! You can stay in my guest room until your house is ready."

"Thank you for your generosity, Twilight. Your Majesty, thank you too for your gift," I stated, smiling at the Alicorn. I took my keyfob out of my pocket and tested it on the car. Amazingly enough, pushing buttons on the keyfob worked on the car. The horn sounded as I hit the power lock, causing many of the ponies to jump unexpectedly. Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow.

"Does this device normally do that when you press a certain button on that trinket you hold?" she asked, giving me a very quizzical look.

"Yes, Princess, it does -- and if I hit the panic button, it sounds the horn repeatedly, like so," I demonstrated, pushing the red button on the fob causing the horn to blare several times before pushing the button again causing the noise to stop.

"Michael, please don't do that again, unless it's an emergency -- when you pushed that red button, it caused me to suffer a slight headache," the Alicorn admonished.

"My apologies, your Majesty. I had no idea it served that purpose as well -- I suppose the car summons you when I push the panic button. You have my word I shall only push it if there's an actual emergency."

"Mike, I'm hungry," Brenda complained. "And I need a smoke."

"I can make arrangements for you regarding your hunger as well. A smoke?" asked the Alicorn. "What do you smoke?"

"Newport longs," Brenda replied flatly.

"Mentholated cigarettes," I explained, answering the Princess' puzzled expression. She frowned when I said that.

"We do not encourage that activity -- it pollutes the air and causes certain diseases," the Alicorn stated flatly before examining Brenda with her magic. "Brenda, it appears you have developed certain cancers within your body -- there are certain ailments you suffer -- please give me a moment to heal you, perhaps that may alleviate your craving."

Brenda was quite impressed as she noticed that most of her nagging health problems seemed to melt away as the Alicorn extinguished her aura around my wife. It was at this moment I made a request of the Princess.

"Your Majesty, I am quite impressed by your ability to heal -- perhaps you might be able to help me with my health problems as well, as I am nearly as old as my wife. If there is anything you might request of me as repayment, I will be happy to oblige you with your needs," I offered. She smiled at my request, then mused thoughtfully for a moment before wrapping me with her magic aura. I could feel aches and pains disappear, my teeth mending, my vision improving and my breathing become easier. The ringing in my ears stopped, allowing me to hear clearly for the first time in years. I bowed before the Alicorn, thanking her profusely for her work, eliciting a broad smile from her.

"Michael, when the time comes, I shall call in this favor from you. Until then, enjoy yourself at the party Pinkie is going to throw for you two. You will have your fill of food and drink there. I shall see you soon," she stated as she returned to her chariot. We waved a farewell to her as she was carried back to her castle.

"Um, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you two exactly?" asked Twilight.

"Forty-nine," we responded simultaneously, eliciting light laughter from some of the ponies still milling about. It appeared that they wanted to satisfy their curiosity as well. I turned to Brenda and said, "Jinx!" causing her to groan audibly.

"Mike, when are you going to grow up?" Brenda asked in exasperation.

"I've been wondering that all my life, Brenda -- the answer is probably never," I chuckled. Pinkie Pie returned at this point.

"Hey, you two, the party's ready! Come on!" she chirped excitedly, pulling me by my left arm. Brenda giggled a little and followed us.

"Um, help?" I half-said, half-asked.

Comments

[FlashFlank]

Oh my Celestia that was awesome you gotta do more glitterati emotions are in your hands

[FlashFlank]

*Fluttershy

[Coda Crescendo]

Oh my celestial, this is good!!! Write More!!!!!

[Terrorizer231]

My only concern: how did he know it was a portal, and why isn't he freaking out?

Other than that, pretty good job!

[hmaf43]

a novel with uniquely realistic interpretation of equestria.

in shows, it is portrayed that equestria is nanny state. run by immortal tyrants and her nobles. discipline guards that lack actual combat experience and stagnation of technological development. xenophobic yet can be overide by a decree from crown.

so this novel shows dirty sides of equestria. what kimd of shits has to be done for that kind of society to exist.