Equestria Girls Series; Episode 1: Rainbow Dash

by That_G3_Obsessive

Prologue: Twilight Sparkle

A purple and magenta alicorn, a tear running down her cheek, flew down from her perch on top of the Golden Oak Library, watching the smoke clear from the sky. Down on the ground there were four ponies. A meadow-yellow pegasus pony, gently crying as her animal friends comforted her with little squeaks and chirps. The mare seemed to be holding a tortoise, though it also looked like the tortoise had aviator's goggles and a mini-helicopter strapped to its back. A bright pink earth pony mare, though her once-puffy mane now lay on her back without even a wave. She stared at the ground, glaring at nothing. An orange earth pony was gently comforting a snow-white unicorn, though when she caught the alicorn's eye, she nodded her head with a grim look in her eyes. Amid all of the chaos was the unicorn, her royal purple mane now a mess, her mascara dripping down her face.

"...b-but it's all my fault!" wailed the sobbing unicorn. "I tied her to the chair! It's all my fault!" The alicorn walked up to the pretty pony and knelt beside her.

"Rarity, you can't blame yourself. We all could have done things different to help her. Just remember, this could be a great thing," she said to the unicorn, Rarity.

"Twilight's right," said the earth pony, with a heavy Southern drawl. "Well, at least about the 'ya can' blame yer-self' part. I ain't so sure this could be such a great thin'. I mean, what in the hay is that suppos' tuh mean, gosh, darn it!" She threw down her hat in anger.

"Don't worry, AppleJack. We'll figure this out. We'll get her back. This could be part of a great destiny that none of us yet understand," soothed Twilight.

"B-but what i-if we d-don't get her back! W-we'll n-never see h-her again, and it's all m-my f-f-f-F-FAULT!!! WAAAAAAHH!!!!!!" Rarity bawled. Twilight summoned a shield for her and AppleJack with her unicorn horn against the rain of tears that was coming down on them both.

"Rarity!" shouted Twilight, but she couldn't seem to get the unicorn's attention. "Rarity! RARITY!!!" Eventually the ponies got Rarity to calm down enough to talk.

"Rarity! I've got a plan to rescue her! I've got a plan to rescue Rainbow!" Twilight exclaimed with glee.

"What is it, sugercube?" asked AppleJack.

"You know how those hairless things stole Rainbow?"

"Yes, darling, please go on," Rarity was fully hooked now that she could make it up to her friend.

"Well, I've seen those things before."

"Where?" AppleJack and Rarity said it at the same time.

"In the alternate universe through the mirror!" Twilight shouted with joy.

"WHAT?!?!" AppleJack's mouth dropped open. "So yer meanin' to say that there's ANOTHER way into Equestria besides the mirror? Now, that's just pony feathers. There ain't no way those human folk can get into Equestria without going through the mirror and gettin' turned into ponies."

"But what if there IS a way?" Twilight urged. "What if the mirror is just a shortcut, and you can get to the other world just by traveling over the ocean?"

"That does explain why they went on that giant floatie-thingie after they got her." Rarity reasoned. "It is a reasonable explanation. But, deary, PLEASE explain why you brought this up?"

"Because," Twilight whispered, "I am planning to go to the other world. Through the mirror. And I'm going to rescue our friend."

Author's Note:

This is my first story on FiMFiction. I would like some constructive critisizem, please.

Does anypony know how you put the little pony-head-emotiocon-thingies on the Author's Notes?

9/8: I double-spaced the paragraphs for the story. Please let me know if there is something else wrong with it. Thx!

Comments

[Lag Incarnate]

Cry sum moar

In other news, let's see how the rest of this story will go.

[RainbowJack2000]

U asked for constructive criticism., you'll get it.

For starters, make the chapters longer.. about a thousand words or more per chapter. Also, Applejack does not have a capital "J" in it. You should have started the story with what really happens with RD, not to mention how much more description u need about the " hairless creatures". That's all I have to say...

...moar please

[MythrilMoth]

Well, at least about the 'ya can' blame yer-self' part. I ain't so sure this could be such a great thin'. I mean, what in the hay is that suppos' tuh mean, gosh, darn it!

This...is not how you write a Southern accent. Or ANY accent, for that matter. If you can't write character dialect well, it's best not to try. Your grasp of punctuation is also tenuous at best.

AppleJack

It's Applejack. Not AppleJack. There is no CamelCase in pony names.

sugercube

sugarcube

Now, that's just pony feathers.

That isn't even remotely how that expression is used.

"But what if there IS a way?" Twilight urged. "What if the mirror is just a shortcut, and you can get to the other world just by traveling over the ocean?"

Uhhhh....no. Because ponies do have means of intercontinental travel (airships, pegasi) and would have known about the other world. Plus, it's another world...

I am planning to go to the other world. Through the mirror.

And it's just conveniently time for the portal to open again? That only opens for three days every two and a half years?

I would like some constructive critisizem, please.

criticism

This is the advice I have for you:

1. Learn proper spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization, and so forth.

2. Research, research, research. Rewatch episodes of the show, rewatch the movie, use the MLP Wiki, but research.

3. Get an editor. Someone who will look over your story, help you correct your mistakes and fix your problems writing dialogue, and most importantly, will point out problems with the story itself, which from this one chapter alone I can see will be numerous.