Chap 3: Bedlam Sticks
"Oh...oh fuck" sighed Zegram, not entirely looking forward to dealing with the situation at hand. Or at hoof, as it were.
"Language!" chided Discord, still smiling.
"OKAY FINE! I'll watch my fuckin' mouth." Grumbled Zegram, all while Lemon was sat on his haunches, hysterically cackling, the sound of which was only spooking Fluttershy further. Discord tried to remain composed, but his giggles soon erupted and he couldn't help but try to coo at Fluttershy. He had grown quite attached to his one and only actual friend, and found her fearful cowering far too adorable. It was almost entrancing to the old god. Growing in size, he reached to her, and began cuddling her. Not in the manner of a lover, nor of a parent, but in the manner a child would hug a kitten. All the while he giggled, as Fluttershy squeaked from within his grasp.
"Well, that's enough of that." he said, amused, and gently placed Fluttershy down onto her hooves infront of the two pegasi. Zegram immediately flared his wings, though not for any theatrical value, but simply because they discomforted him, and this seemed to catch Fluttershy's attention. Without any word of introduction, she immediately approached him, and caught him by surprise. He was expecting Lemon to take over this introduction, as they'd discussed favourites before, and apparently Lemon had a soft spot for the ultra-adorable. But no. She spotted Zegram's wing-irritation, and immediately trotted upto him.
"Oh, my! Your wings! They're in a terrible condition! That must be quite irritating for you. I absolutely insist that you come with me and I'll get you properly preened up right away!" she insisted, all trace of the fearful and timid pony gone, replaced by a soft but solid assertive attitude, and Zegram seemed to have not the heart to put his hoof down as she began to push him toward her cottage.
"No no that's fine! Really that's fine it's not a big deal I can figure it ouAAAGH!" he cried, as he was lifted into the air by his rear legs, and as he dangled helplessly infront of Fluttershy, he saw Discord's finger behind her, pointed at him. Upside-down ofcourse. Tauntingly, he said
"Now then sir. The mare insists. You shan't be one to refuse a pretty mare's help now would you?" only to be chastised himself.
"Discord! You put him down this instant! I will NOT have you wrangling this poor stallion when he is in dire need of a good grooming!"
Her stare was adorable. Actually intimidating, but adorable nonetheless. He wanted verymuch to simply smush her face between his hand and paw and tickle her belly. But instead, he did as he was told. With a smile on his face, too. And now, for that matter, so did Zegram. He had not, until that point, had the sickly feeling of having magic come into contact with his body. He did not like it one bit. Not one little bit at all. Did Lemon get the same treatment from Rarity? Oh lord is that sympathy for him?
As Zegram allowed himself to be pushed into Fluttershy's cottage, both Lemon and Discord struggled to contain their laughter, until the two were safely inside the cottage and out of earshot, whereby they both erupted in fierce cackling.
Once Zegram was safely inside the cottage, no doubt effectively getting molested, Discord and Lemon were left alone with little do to but chat.
"What are you even doing here, human? There've been tales and rumours and all kinds of imaginings, but as far as I know this hasn't actually happened around here before."
"Just lookin' around" replied Lemon, as nonchalantly as he could.
"Mmhm. You Humans never just look around."
"What do you know anyway?" asked Lemon, defensively, whereby Discord leaned in close to him, and hold a hand/paw on each shoulder, staring Lemon in the eyes. His own eyes reflected, not a burning intensity or infernal rage, or even the chaotic spark of joy. No. His eyes were at the moment filled with regret. Sorrow, angst and a disturbed feeling of disgust was seen in his eyes, and because of this, Lemon knew exactly what Discord meant when he leaned in close and whispered
"EVERYTHING"
With that, Discord backed away, and began chuckling to himself again.
"If you simply don't want to tell me that's perfectly fine. Your species is an infinitely entertaining one, I'll say that much."
"What do you do nowadays anyway?" asked Lemon, only to notice that this caused Discord to deflate some, and the smug smile plastered on his face changed to a look of fatigue.
"Mostly, I do as I'm told. It's alright to be all...'reformed', and to have a genuine friend again, but I don't get to have as much fun as I used to. The idyllic life is terribly dull." he lamented, scratching the head of a winged squirrel.
"You know, you could always do something fun." goaded Lemon. He agreed with Discord. As much as he had grown to enjoy the world he was now in, it wasn't a terribly inspiring or exciting place. And now he was sat beside the old god of chaos. "I mean, you were never a bad guy anyway. You just wanted to have fun, I know that."
"Oh hush. As I've said, I am reformed. Those days of chaos are behind me." posited Discord, his tail twitching. Twitch, twitch, twitch.
"Reformed into what? A good guy? Who says you can't stay a good guy? Clowns are good guys right? Everyone loves clowns!"
"You mean everpony?"
"NO FUCK YOU I'M NOT DOING THAT!" Lemon barked, before settling down a moment later. "Anyway. The fun you could have. I mean come on, were there any victims to the chocolate rain? Did anyone lose out on that?"
"They most certainly did not. I never hurt anypony!" said Discord, defiantly.
"No they didn't! It was a victimless crime! And hardly even a crime, at that! Chocolate rain? Where's the downside!?" demanded Lemon. He was feeling genuinely passionate behind his argument now, no longer simply trying to incite chaos for the fun of it.
Discord heaved a heavy sigh, however. He was more forward thinking, and had his mind on the consequences.
"No, the downside is to do with Celestia's...eugh, harmonious society. Besides, I'd rather not be turned to stone again. That's not a lot of fun I can tell you."
"No I can imagine it isn't" said Lemon, sympathizing. Celestia really was some kind of anti-fun nazi wasn't she. And then he had an idea. A hilarious idea.
"You ever wonder if you had the power to give a pony an Alicorn ascension?" he asked. Discord thought for a moment and scratched his chin.
"Not until just now. Why?"
"Dude how funny would Alicorn Pinkie Pie be?" and Discord could not help but to burst out in giggles at the thought of this. Lemon didn't even allow him time to respond.
"You should totally make it happen." he said with a smirk.
"No, no I couldn't! That'd be terribly silly!" he said. Lemon didn't fail to notice however, the soft poof behind him, and caught sight of his tail still twitching. Another soft poof and then nothing.
Inside the house however, was, similarly to before, a scene of chaos. Fluttershy's compassion had taken a pleading but firm turn. Her past experiences with Iron Will and 'The beast inside' had taught her at the very least how to assert dominance for the good of others, and right now this pony needed to be seen to. He didn't agree, however, and forced her to chase him through the house.
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! RABBIT BITES! RABBIT BITE HURTS!" he screamed as furniture and kitchen wares clattered around him. It was shortly after he'd been brought into the house that Zegram had been spooked. Fluttershy had insisted on doing the preening and grooming by mouth, and the feel of her hot breath against his wings and skin, beneath the fur and feathers, had made him very uncomfortable. He wanted nothing to do with that, and Fluttershy's insistance only made him more nervous. Her bunny had decided to try and help by jumping on Zegram's head, only to find he reacted immediately to this, and the bunny decided he needed to bite down to stay on his head. Now, as he clambered through her cluttered home, knocking things down, she deftly ran after him, pleading for him to calm down and to stop breaking her things. During this chase however, Zegram managed to clip a leg against one particularly hefty table, and fell, slamming his chin on the floor. His glasses even flew from his face and clattered under the couch, where the little bastard rabbit picked them up.
Just as Zegram was about to get back upto his hooves, Fluttershy bore down on him.
"PLEASE! Calm down! I promise this won't hurt and it's entirely necessary! You'll have nagging itches and aches all the time if you don't let me do this!" was her loudest plea. At this point he reasoned there was no point. The rabbit had run, with his glasses. He didn't like the feeling of having Fluttershy nuzzle through his feathers, not one bit. Her hot breath on the skin and feathers under the outer layer, tugging at him and nipping at him. It did't help that he too was just now learning of a Pegasus' wing sensitivity. It sent strange and very VERY uncomfortable sensations though him, and his wings wanted to do nothing but fold up defensively. he tried to let them, but Fluttershy had a hoof on the tip feather, holding his wing open.
Jeez this is like some kind of midway point between grooming and rape, he thought to himself.
After some minutes, she relented, and the deed was done. Zegram rose to his hooves, and cricked his neck and wing joints.
"There, now doesn't that feel much better?" she asked, hopefully.
"Lil' bit" was the only response he saw fit to give. In truth, he felt much better. It felt similar to the sensation of stretching out one's legs after hours of not moving. But he dared not say that much, after the fight he put up about it. Now he needed to find his glasses, and the little rabbit was nowhere to be seen.
"Angel bunny!" he heard, right beside him, and looked to his side to see Fluttershy staring at a corner of the room, where that little bastard rabbit was toying around with his glasses. "Oh you look so adorable with those! They fit you so nicely!" Oh that wasn't gonna fly.
"Yeah uhm, those are mine..." was the politest way he could object. "But you're right, he does look cute. Maybe a nice little hat and a nice little coat or dress even? Poof him up a bit, curl those little whiskers..." was his ploy. If the rabbit wanted to play dress-up, surely Fluttershy would be keen on indulging?
"Oh, but he usually doesn't like it when I try to dress him up..." she said, picking up the rabbit and taking Zegram's glasses from it, giving them over.
"Well he liked my glasses well enough." Zegram replied, sliding them back onto his face with a hoof. He mused for just a second as to how exactly that just happened, because as far as he knew, he just used his hoof as a grasping appendage without any idea as to how to do so.
The two ventured back out into the yard, only to find Discord and Lemon laughing as Lemon sat in a puddle of Jam and Discord scooted around on a little yellow tricycle.
"HAH! Oh you are hilarous Lemon! I haven't had this much fun in a while!" cried Discord through his chuckles.
"Now what have those twp chucklebutts gotten upto..." murmured Zegram.
"Well hello there my little pony friends!" called Discord. "We were just trying to find out what interesting things could be made into fun toys!"
"Is that a puddle of...jam?" asked Fluttershy.
"It was supposed to be a tricycle." said Lemon, getting up from the sticky puddle.
"Doesn't seem to have worked." commented Zegram.
"Nope, but we did make one out of butter."
"Butter?" asked Fluttershy, as Discord proceeded to scoot circles around her, his tricycle beginning to melt in the afternoon sun. "Now Discord, this is all fun and games, but I'd really appreciate it if you turned my tricycles back to normal. Have you two met anypony else here yet?"
"They met with Applejack and Rarity, I'm told" offered Discord, sighing as he snapped the butter and jam puddles away. "Your tricycles are fine Fluttershy. We merely made, or tried to make some copies. You know, you two should meet with Pinkie Pie. She'd LOVE you two, you're so much fun!" he chuckled.
Zegram and lemon gave eachother a weary look, and weighed their options. As of yet, neither of them had made an attempt to fly. This meant that meeting with Rainbow dash would lead to embarassment, whereas trying to meet with Twilight would lead to being grilled to kingdom come come with questions, if the cliches were anything to go by. Pinkie Pie it was then. The two Stallions bade their farewells and set off.
It was shortly after that, that Discord turned back to Fluttershy, their tea party having been invaded. "I like them. They're funny." he said to her.
"I don't. I don't trust them." she said to him, which caught him a little surprised.
"You helped one of them." he retorted.
"I'm not stupid Discord. I helped him because it was the kind thing to do. He was discomforted and I knew how to help fix hat for him. It's not unkind to not trust somepony afterall. The girls still don't trust you, and would you really say they're being unkind?"
"Why yes. Yes I would. But I see your point. To be honest I don't really trust them either, though I have my own reasons. I like them."
"Do you know something about them?"
"Only what I know about anypony."
A little ways into their walk, Zegram and Lemon had managed to deduce where they would be headed. They knew of the name 'sugarcube corner', and the sickly strong smell of chocolate and cinnamon was enough to signal the way. Zegram was unenthused by the stench, but Lemon was ever drawn by it, his sweet-tooth anticipating sugary heaven. Zegram had a thought, however, and decided to halt his nose-blind friend.
"Dude, stop." he said to Lemon, who was busy sniffing the air with delight.
"What, why?"
"3...2...1..."
"OHMYGOSHAREYOUTHENEWPEGAUSESESES!?"
"BWAHAHAAAAAH!" was the sound both stallions made as they faltered and recoiled in surprise infront of the source of the noise. She was staring directly at them both, a wide-as-anything grin on her face, which was closing the gap between theirs. Those ocean-blue eyes and unmistakeable cotton-candy mane. She had a thousand yard stare that needed no intensity in her face to bore directly through to your soul. Right into the core of your being, where all your innermost secrets run rampant, feeling as if they were laid bare infront of this punk poofy maniac. For a full minute she stared at them, neither of them daring to answer.
So she asked again.
"I SAID...ARE YOU THE NEW PEGASUESESES?" with no less volume, but atleast not so intensely.
"Ehm..euh..." mumbled Zegram, raising a hoof to his chest in defensive retreat.
"Yes?" offered Lemon.
"THAT'S WONDERFUL! I've been looking for you two for HOURS! I've got your surprise party all ready! Oops! Not much of a surprise now is it? Hey, you guys could just act all surprised like WAAH or OOH when we get there! It'll be super duper fun!"
"Uhm..."
"Yes?"
"Good! Now come on! Ponies are waiting to meet you! I know you've already met Rarity because she told me about you and I told Applejack you'd come to town and she said she'd met you too! Then I told Rainbow Dash who said she'd come to the party a little later on after she went and told Fluttershy. Was she with Discord? I still don't trust him but he's still really funny!..." and on and on she rambled, whilst walking toward the sickly smell. The two boys followed, their confusing decreasing by the moment. She rambled on about things without giving them much time to answer, such as other strangers to town like Gilda or Cranky Doodle. She also commented on their cutiemarks and how they were weird, and that their names were probably weird too because that's what Rarity said and...it went on. One long running sentence was the stream of chatter from this pony's mouth.
And then, stood infront of what the two recognized as Twlight's Library treehouse, she turned on her hooves to face them.
"SO what's your names anways? I'm Pinkie Pie and I really hope we can be bestest of friends, even if you guys leave soon which I REALLY hope you didn't because then I'd get to introduce you to EVERYPONY and I would, 'cause I know EVERYPONY here in Ponyville!"
"ZEGRAM IM ZEGRAM THIS IS LEMON CAN WE GO INSIDE NOW PLEASE" was Zegram's desperate reply to finally get a word in edgeways. Lemon had simply shut off his mind, walking on autopilot.
"Ooh! Cool names! What's a Zegram? I've never heard of one! But hey, Lemon guy, yours is cool too! You even LOOK like a lemon with your yellow coat and green mane! AND your green vest! Did Rarity make that for you? SHE said you had a PURPLE one but that she gave you a new one 'cause purple was ugly or something. But you look kinda like a lemon now! Like a lemon pony! What would ya call that? A Lony? Pony Le-moany? Maybe a Pemon, but that's not as fun to say!"
"PLEASE? INSIDE? WE'LL BE SURPRISED I SWEAR"
"Okie dokie lokie! Inside we go!"
And with that, Pinkie opened the door to the Library, and all inside was dark. She then stepped in herself, and disappeared in the darkness. hushed giggles and whispers could be heard, and Zegram nudged his breandead friend awake.
"Prepare yourself dude. Shit's going to get silly."
"Oh fuck, where are we? I was miles away."
"Party time motherfucker."
They both stepped inside, and flattened their ears to defend against the deafening "SURPRIIIIISE!"
"WAAH!"
"OOH!"
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Fluttershy was not shy at all, and Discord was way too flamboyant.
3071533 yeah I know.
I sat here and tried to get them right, but at the end I just couldn't.
I cannot write me no flutters or 'cords.
>:
3071533 I mean at the time I was thinking "well this is post iron will flutters. might not be so pathetically shy"
and I was also thinking "Well, this is reformed discord. could be gayer and calmer"
These were my thought processes at the time, anyway.
3071901 Nah I don't see a place for nipples in this
I don't know who told him that Flutterbutt owning tricycles is a perfectly normal thing.
I tell him to ask me about these things before he writes them AND HE JUST GOES AND DOES HIS SHIET
WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE IGNORING ME
3071675
Well they aren't accurate portrayals, but I find them entertaining.
3072119 Yeah I took some hefty liberties with the idea of post-iron will and post-rehab
Thought I'd basically give fluttershy normal amounts of self confidence and turn discord just a tad camper
Artistic liscence and all that
3072190 I heard you liek cover art.
3072364 WHO TOLD YOU
3072296 I'm not sure what that is.
Or if I want to find out.