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Chap 1: New Arrivals2,844 words
Chap 2: A Rare Encounter2,291 words
Chap 3: Bedlam Sticks3,356 words
Chap 4: Princess Partytime2,522 words
Chap 5: Party Pooped2,534 words
Chap 6: The Hangover3,581 words
Chap 7: A Royal Pain4,300 words
Chap 0: COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS!?3,401 words
Chap 8: It Begins1,750 words
Chap 9: That's Apples Mate3,011 words
Chap 10: Apples in a Pear Tree1,750 words
Chap 11: Do The Worm!5,019 words
Chap 12: Titles are for Nerds4,709 words
SHHHH3 words
Chap 13: The Safe-Word is Teacup5,028 words
Whole-Sale Crystal Rope Outlet847 words

Chap 13: The Safe-Word is Teacup

"Shit."

Right on cue, as if ordained by a higher power with a childish sense of humour, Lyra Heartstrings, canonically human-obsessed unicorn musician was indeed present to overhear the fuckwits discussing their humanity. The look on her face was the ticking timebomb of excitement and vindication that told the two that they would very soon become martyrs to secrecy.

Stood only a few paces behind her was BonBon, the confectioner who, by the look on her face, had not heard the hushed confession that Lyra had caught onto, but had instead cottoned onto the same feeling as a parent with an overactive child about.

In the immediate moment Zegram cast his eyes around for Dingo, feeling that she could bring some sort of resolution to pass, but she had vanished. Bailed, to go and explore the town, he imagined. This left the onus on him to fix the situation, as Lemon sure wasn't going to.

"Uhm, okay uh so we-" but as was becoming a trope of this series, Lemon cut him off.
"YOU!" he shouted, mere inches from Lyra's face, matching the expression on her face.

Zegram was certain he had simply lost it.
Again.

"WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL OVER EQUESTRIA!"
"Wh-what?" responded Lyra, stunned at the claim. Sooner than she could notice, the aggressively amiable yellow pony laid a hoof on her back and sidled upto her, and as far as she was aware they both began walking.

Zegram was having none of it.
"Le-lemon. What-uh, what're you doing. Lemon stop." he demanded, but was diligently ignored, save for a cursory glance back at him.

"Oh yes! You're most important to the cause you know." Lemon continued.
"The cause?" she asked him, her excitement only growing inside.

The two made a few paces off from Zegram and BonBon, who were left there, bored and confused, respectively, as they talked. It was then that with weary eyes and a sarcastic smile that she turned to him, looking for some sort of solace in the apparent madness.

"They uh, they crazy." said Zegram, as casually as he thought he could.
"I swear that mare is more mixed up than strawberry syrup in a cream vat." she said, with a sigh.
"Uh, oka-"
"Why do we fall for the crazy ones?" she said to him, looking him in the eyes with a mixture of regret and longing.
"Eeeaaaahh, uhh we're not ah...uhm we- uhm we're not, well I mean-uh" he stammered, fumbling over his own tongue. BonBon found it highly amusing, as she struggled to contain her giggling, but atleast her mood had improved.

It was soon apparent that this was not, by and large, a good thing for Zegram's immediate future, because he was quickly thrust into the situation of receiving relationship advice, as Lemon apparently told Lyra something which beggared her belief, whereby she cried out "NO WAY!"

"What, you never talked to him?"
"Uh, lots of times."
"But not about you and him?"
"S-sure."
"And you're not together then because...?"
"I have my reasons."
"Like?"
"He's too far away." stated Zegram matter-of-factly. Technically, it was true.
"He...He's over there." said BonBon, as if she was gently offering new information.
"Like I said." he deadpanned, now determined to reap what he'd sown. "Too far."
"Oh...kay. Maybe...maybe go over there and he'll be closer?" she volunteered.

But as Zegram was searching through the rack of babyback ribs that he used for a brain, he was rescued by the excited announcement by a certain scarlett-red mare announcing that a rural town had a farm.

"GUYS! GUY-" but her excitement was cut short as a pair of orange hooves wrapped around her head and pulled her to one side, just as Zegram bestowed upon her a much deserved noogie.
"You bailed on us!" Zegram yelled as she attempted to soothe the friction urns on her head.
"Yoo, Dingo!" called Lemon
"Another one!?" asked Lyra excitedly.
"Eh, sure why not." he casually replied.
"Sorry I guess. But dude, there's the farm! THE farm! Swe-"
"Sweet Apple Acres, yeah. That's...that's the farm." said Zegram, eager to get the show moving.
"Yeah! But there's a party goin' on there!"
"Party?"
"Where's a party?" said Lemon, now joining the fracas.
"Down at-" began Zegram
"Down at the farm!" chirped Dingo

And then, like so many things in this series of unfortunate events, Applejack entered the scene from the dirt road that led to the farm, right on cue, to bring the announcement that was just made twice.

Only she had some extra details.
"And you, Mr Lemon, are to come down at once!" she announced, with a challenging attitude.
"Me?" he asked, puzzled at being singled out.
"Him?" asked Zegram
"Him?" asked Lyra
"Cool!" added Dingo
And BonBon simply sighed.
"Yessir. Big Mac's a-waitin' on ya. Y'all have an accord to commit to!" declared Applejack, thickening the plot.

Indeed there was a party of sorts laid out at Sweet Apple Acres. Strictly typing, it was a set of tables infront of the family house, surrounded by cider barrels. One table was barren, whilst another was decked out with a stack of cider tankards, and on the third sat a bullhorn, a jar of quills, an ink pot and a stack of papers.

True to his sister's word, Big Macintosh was there, waiting. Were it possible to tell his patiently waiting gait from his usual demeanor, then this would not have needed confirmation, but Big Mac was a special sort, and it was always a good idea for those around him to clarify what, if anything, he was thinking.

On the way, Lyra and her captive partner had parted ways, BonBon once more facing a newly refreshed torrent of human enthusiasm, Lyra blissfully chattering away about things BonBon considered silly. The rest however, namely the three fuckwits and their herder Applejack, arrived at the scene at the same time as Twilight and the rest of her central gaggle of ponyfriends, and thus the scene was effectively set.

Before anypony had the chance to think for themselves and surmise what was to be taking place, Twilight took it upon herself to explain the scene.

"Everypony here should recall that Mr Big Macintosh and Mr Lemon had agreed to a drinking contest back in Appleoosa. While I won't be one to advocate such behaviour, I am nevertheless here to adjudicate said contest that has been arranged here, today. Sirs, would you kindly step upto to the plate, as it were, that being your respective ends of the table, and we can begin!" she declared, in a stately fashion.

Zegram planted a hoof on his friend's back and drew him close.
"He will destroy you, you know that right?"
"I ain't scared." declared the soon-to-be victim.
"Listen, I've told you. There's a fine line between bravery and stupidity."
"And I've told you, that I dance all over your line without a care in the world."
"You are going to die. He will indirectly get you to kill yourself."
"Free cider's the way to go man."

With that, the futile attempt to talk sense into the nonsensical was done, and he stepped aside, allowing Lemon to trot to his demise.
"I don't think he's really gonna die." said Dingo, stood beside him.
"No, he will. I know because if I have to deal with his drunken ass again I'm probably going to stab him. In the neck. With my teeth."
"You should aim a little higher." she said with a self-satisfied chuckle.
"You shut up." he said, feeling a little hot around the face, if only because he was uncomfortable aware, by the way Rarity, over on his other side was giggling, that Dingo wasn't the only shipper present.

This is ridiculous. he thought.

And thus the contest began. Lemon and Big Mac smugly glaring at eachother as the tankards arrived, and competitively belching across the table at oneanother as they emptied them. One by one they each downed a drink, courteous enough to wait for the other to receive his next before continuing the assault. Neither of them brought speed to the game and so they entire time they stayed in a dead heat, which made Pinkie's attempts to commentate and generate excitement difficult, but Twilight's job of keeping score was made facile, and after a fourth round she frustratedly gave up, and joined Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbowdash by the barrels, the three of them chatting and sharing drinks of their own. She even had one herself.

Afternoon became Evening, and the sky dimmed some, as the contest finally came to a halt. The signal for this was ofcourse, Lemon rising from his seat, the 10th tankard wrapped around his hoof, and declaring that he felt the warp overtaking him.

Whereupon he slammed his head into the table, entirely of his own volition, and knocked himself out.

Big Mac simply sat, his empty tankard infront of him, and due to the necessity of it, it must be clarified that he was thinking about something, though there was not a force in all existence that would have been able to decipher what, at this point. He attempted to stand, so as to place himself somewhere closer to his bed, but found his own legendary strength failing him.

His mind said eeyup, but his body stood firm (metaphorically ofcourse) in nnope territory.

However, his near collapse at the mere hint of movement failed to distract from Spike's inclusion into the scene, whereupon he brought news.

"Everypony! The train from the Crystal Empire's arrived, and I have your tickets! The conductor said he's not staying long so you'd all best get going!"
And without thinking much about their current situation, nearly everypony simply stood and made their way to their respective domiciles, to collect their things, which they had diligently and responsibly prepared for the coming trip.

Save for the outworlders, two of whom were staring at the third, who was currently as capable of travel as a stack of bricks. Or so he seemed for the moment. An assumption which was dispelled when Applejack, taking liberty to act with the familiarity of the other two, emulated Zegram's favoured tactic thus far, and gave Lemon a swift, but respectively gentle punt to the head, whereupon he immediately stood up, surprisingly stable.

"REP-REPORDING FER DOODIE" he bellowed, technically conscious. Applejack simply stared at him with the disdain of somepony who'd thought about it, and decided that this was not going to be her problem. She'd done more than her part here, and wordlessly turned and walked to her brother, in a similar condition but already a few paces ahead in the area of capacity to function. Big Mac had yet to pass out, to be exact.

So this is my problem now. Great. Well atleast I'm trained for it. thought Zegram as he tried to ignore Dingo's fervent giggling, and set about the task of guiding Lemon toward the train. Out of exasperation his technique had devolved into getting into a kind of orbit around the drunk, and adjusting his course with carefully measured and aimed thumps to the face. It was clear enough that alongside being unable to think Lemon could barely feel a thing, and so he wasn't concerned with doing him any harm.

He can take a lot of punishment, all things considered. That's good to know.

The train itself was a sight to behold. Gleaming, and seemingly made entirely out of crystals, it sat on Ponyville's rust railway like the most out of place shiny bauble in a hay field. Having arrived, the trio boarded along with everypony else, and the train set off. It was more spacious than it's exterior led on, and appropriately suited to the long journey from the main country to the north, where the Crystal Empire lay, once a remnant of times gone by, and now a shining beacon of study.

It seemed that under Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's rule, the Crystal Empire had established itself as a foundation for the study of Equestria's ever-growing number of magical mirrors that turned out to be interdimensional teleporters. The current collection was at 30+.
Indeed the crystal train was suited to most long-journey needs. A crystal pony guard was on-hoof to offer news of the empire and even light, though pre-scripted conversation. There was a food-car stocked with the most beautiful and toughest crystal foods, which weren't all as solid and tough as they appeared, but were infact very edible, and delicious.

Except for the actual crystals.

There was also a drinks cart, stocked with all manner of sparkly and surprisingly liquid beverages, given their look. Ciders and spirits aplenty, and Lemon was having his fill of them all. Though the fuckwits had no real belongings to take with them as the others had, Lemon and Zegram atleast had a good stash of bits between them from their royal benefactor.

Currently Lemon had spent half of his total on the drinks car, though how much he actually drank was not as stupendously large as the bill suggested. Crystal drinks were simply pricy.

Zegram however, scoped out the cars' more practical facilities, such as bedding, as he expected to catch some sleep during the ride. He was of similar mind to the majority of the travelers, who were in the same tight hall, scouting their resting spots. The fillies were riding on the backs of their elders infront of him, and for a brief moment Zegram thought of his own family. His human family, who he'd left behind effectively without warning.

But that was why he was here at all. A funny-only-if-you-stop-to-think-about-it circular journey that would end where it began, but hopefully in a more appropriate shape.

He missed meat. He did not like his current interloping vegetarian stomach. He also felt a sudden pressure at his rear, only to discover that Dingo had gotten impatient and was attempting to gently shove him forward.

"Move ya butt!" she aggressively whispered.
His response, having had more time to get accustomed to his current body, was to whip his tail into her face, and chuckle at the resulting score of 'ptah!' and 'pfuhf!'

Still, he walked forward, the room he was absent-mindedly stood infront occupied, as evidenced by the blue feathers that floated gently from the room as Rainbow Dash worked to make her bedding. Effort into everything I guess. he thought to himself as he paced forward, and caught a passing glimpse of rainbow in the room, winking at him.

He had absolutely no idea what that was about, until he passed the room and heard Rainbow pop her head out behind him, and utter a genuine Pony Pickup Line.

"Hey Red. All aboard." she said, with that trademark cocky attitude. It was already all he could do to keep from cackling like a truly mad scientist, until he heard Dingo's response.
"CAN I BLOW THE HORN?" which utterly broke his calm, and the instant he unleashed the first 'HA!' he was assaulted by a flash of pink and the soft whap of creamy yellow feathers, as his little outburst had gone and started the one pony who required effort not to startle.

Creamy yellow in colour.

"Oh! Sorry!" she softly squeaked at him.
He considered his spitting out a feather and simply smiling as a worthy response, as he moved further on.

Again he was stopped, but this time by Rarity. And she did so deliberately, as she pulled his head into her room, whereby he managed to catch a quick look back up the hall, through the succession of translucent crystal walls.

"I've made you and mister Lemon your room for you. I know it's a slight presumptuous but I simply felt that you two deserve an absolutely wonderful night's rest on this trip. We've a long day ahead and you two might not get a lot of time to yourselves in the coming day. Or days. Don't you worry yourself about the bedding either. I'm fully aware that neither of you have much in the way of travel-gear and that's why I packed extra bedding materials. I'm sure you are going to simply fall in love with what I've done for you dear!" she cooed, almost giddy.

It wasn't quite quiet enough, as Dingo popped her head out from her room just long enough to let fly a taunting "HA! BACKATCHA!" down the hall before being paffed in the face by a strong brush of a blue wing, and Rainbow yelling "You gonna make your bed? 'cause I ain't!" in what could easily have been taken as a clever ploy.

But then, given the lack of privacy in the crystal carriages, it seemed unlikely there was to be any of that particular magic.

Both Rarity and Fluttershy, from their rooms, peered down the hall through the smoky crystal, and watched in personally appreciable amazement as Rainbow displayed patience and tact, playing 'the long game'.

He finally made it to his room, after passing by Applejack, who had made no bedding and was simply curled up on the floor of her room with a rudimentary blanket on her, and all three of the crusaders curled up into a single ball of technicolour cute on the room's fold-out bed.

And it was a garish sight. The train, being made of precious stone, was not much of a fire-hazard, and so the host of lit candles in the room only alarmed him on all the other levels. As he took a tentative step into the room, he was affronted by an entire ensemble of aromas from the candles. A viciously aromatic mixture of lavenders and vanillas. There was even a tiny record player on the fold out bed, which had been employed as a kind of bedside table. Cursing his own curiosity he explored the device before discovering how a hoof-operated record-player works.

Incidentally he also discovered how a record player's dial tastes.

Immediately as the music began he nudged the needle off the disc, and turned to glare at Rarity, vaguely visible through the wall. His piercing stare not catching her attention, he headed to her room for a direct confrontation.

The conversation that took place was a short series of aggressive whispering, but the subject of humans doing things in public, or not doing them, was discussed, leaving Rarity feeling all kinds of inappropriate.

Twilight wasn't anywhere to be found in set of rooms, and there didn't appear to be one laid out for her, but Zegram ruled this down to her being a nightowl and getting some research or princessly reading done during the trip.

Given the time the train ride took, it was generally assumed amongst everypony they would arrive late at night. But their ride also matched the path of the sun, and as such the time at the empire was still early evening. Lemon, in his current condition, took this as a sign that the train had traveled through some sort of time-void, and immediately declared himself an honorary timelord. He did this alone in the train's bar car, where he'd already passed out, and awoken, and continued drinking. Almost Everypony else had gotten some sleep.

"Ooohh maaan!" said Dingo, staring at the palace before them. "Dude it looks way better than the show!"
At the very some moment, Twilight twitched, and dropped the saddle-bag she was attempting to sling over her back. Fortunately for everypony nearby, the unknown Alicornian wrath of The Princess and embodied essence of Magic itself was staved off by the distracting arrival of a dude. Not so-called because of his sex, or any relation to what species he was. He was most definitely a pony. No, he was a dude because he was a dude.

This was made evident by his first utterance upon appearing.
Which was; "DUDE!"

Shining Armor cantered from the recently built extension to the captial city of the empire which housed the train station to the car from which they had all emerged in all his bodacious glory.

"Twily! Sis you made it!" he called out.
"Ofcourse we made it. It was a train ride, not some epic adventure." she responded, still somewhat irked, though her ire was very mild all things considered.
"Dude that's not what I heard. I heard somepony got upto a heck of a mess in the-"
"DUDE!" came a cry from the last pony to finally emerge from the train, utterly unable to stand. It would have been unfair to suggest he was thrown from the train, as the crystal ponies were nothing if not patient, though it is still debated if trait was gained from their being comprised of inexplicably organic stone, or from their millennium-length hiatus from existence.

Rather he was simply chest-bumped out, as the crystal guardspony who had been ponysitting him the entire trip had decided that he would leave the train, the presence of the drunk before him be damned. The drunk was unquestionably Lemon, who had been near-literally stonewalled from the train car, his attempts to gingerly navigate his own way through the complex and menacing contraption known as a doorway prematurely accelerated.

The result was that of his legs not being informed of the transition, and as such he experienced a top-heavy topple, his chin being forced to provide the services of a foot, or hoof. It would have been mildly distressing were this a new experience for him.

But what it did do was catch Shining Armor's attention, as he trotted over to the faceplantee, crouched down infront of him, and laid bare his vast vocabulary.

"Dude! Y'okay?"

Lemon, for all his faults, was atleast prepared for this.

"I'm cool man!" he managed to get out, having to crane his neck and move his skull, as opposed to his jaw, to speak.
"Haha alright! Hey what's a man?" asked Shining, turning to his sister.

She gave him a glare that she might have explained, had he the attention span to bring it up later. Instead, he took it as nonverbal communication to mean 'something nerdy'.

This little exchange prompted Shining to bid his buddy 'later' and return to the more stable group, and direct them toward the palace. He did this knowing, in some deep corner of his walnut of a brain, that they already knew the way, paying no real mind to the fuckwits other than new additions to the clutch of faces he was going to be looking at from time to time while they were here, and as such it was more a formality, as befitting of the captain of the royal guard, and effective prince of the region.

Though in Shining's opinion, Princehood was overhyped, as the only real difference it brought to his life was that he was addressed as 'Sir' or 'Your Grace' instead of 'Captain' or 'Cap'.

"So dudes, listen up!" he ordered as he began leading the group into the palace. "We're gonna meet with the lady of the house, my girl Mia, or Princess Cadence to you less espoused dudes." he announced with a slight air of pride, assumedly of his matrimony to the princess allowing him to publicly call her 'Mia' or 'Cadie', and certainly not in his princely status bringing him sweet little croutons of nobility like the knowledge of, and able use of, words like espoused.

"From what I knew when I came to get you guys she's gonna be in the massive reception hall which she made the new like, throne room, where she's got all the mirrors, doin' studies on other dimensions." he announced as he led them all through the massive door that entered into what was an outright indoor courtyard. The large windows lining the walls had no glass in them, and the floor was more a wide path, lined by shining, translucent grass, and relatively small crystal trees, looking for all the world like sculptures crudely cut from the precious stone, but the slight sway in the draft that flew through the hall and the soft twinkling from their leaves, just as green leaves on wooden trees would rustle in the wind.

And before them were the mirrors, arranged in what looked to be two broken circles around a small plateau, rather like a personal stage for the layer of thick and puffy silken cushions, on which sat Princess *Cadenza, sagely turning this way and that in her seat, examining the collection.

"Cadie!" Shining Armor called to his wife as the group drew closer to the court's centerpiece.
"Cadence!" joined his little sister, who trotted ahead and deftly wove between the mirrors, which were each easily as tall as Princess Luna, with only a few at the far side of the arrangement that looked to reach Celestia's height, and they were spaced quite far, leaving the court looking rather like a museum hall with only a single large exhibit in the middle, as the rest of the group broke up and sort of mingled through the assortment as the princess' husband and in-law trotted to her little stage.
"Twilight! Good to see you here again! We ought to hang out more, maybe with less giant worms!"
"Oh don't even get me started on giant worms! There are far more species of giant worms in Equestria that even I want to know about and I've already had to actually deal with more than enough of them to know what they're all about." was Twilight's cheerful sarcasm, and as they shared a giggle, the rest of the troop were enraptured with the various mirrors, each with odd frames and very faint, bizarre sounds heard, too soft to be specifically noticed but constantly on the edge of hearing, even when anypony would put their head as close as they dared, trying to catch anything recognizable.

The Princess of the realm noticed, with the experience of somepony who knows her subjects.
"Please try not to touch any of the mirrors. There has been very little activity from them but only a few nights ago one of them spat out a bird. The bird was either heavily wounded or simply didn't fit properly in this universe because it didn't look like any bird, or even bird-shaped creature I'd ever seen. I only knew it was a bird because it had feathers and a beak, and as it flew away it burst into flames. Blue flames, that didn't seem to bother it. What I'm saying is please don't touch the mirrors, because I am no closer to knowing where they lead and any one of them could just suck you through." she warned, noticing in particular her husband staring at one of them, the surface of which rippled constantly.

Stood next to him was Lemon, also staring fixedly at the rippling surface. Atleast neither of them seemed interested in touching it.

"I wonder what's gotten over them." mumbled Fluttershy.
"Well, I dare say-" began Cadence
"Well my brother is an idiot." joked Twilight, interrupting her.
"And Mr Lemon seems to be drunker'n tartarus." added Applejack.
"We'd better collect them, to see you all to your rooms."

With the Pegasi acting as sheperds to herd the drunk and the dope, they made their way through to the guest wing, as they were shown to their rooms. Rarity made one more attempt to speak to Zegram, perhaps to suggest things or to apologize, but he was not interested, as was the indication when she found herself staring at his hoof, held to her face, as he entered his room. Lemon was gently guided into the room by the crystal guardspony who had been at the bar for the train-ride, and had brought tape along with him, which he dropped infront of Zegram as Lemon began to sway on his hooves.

"Spent the entire journey with this one. You'llnot want him wanderin' off." he said stoically, stonefaced with an air of forced calm, as he left.

Indeed Zegram knew exactly what to do, and with a minimum of fuss from a Lemon who hadn't really noticed what was going on, he fastened the drunk to the wall of the room, before throwing himself onto the bed.

And regretting that decision as his body slammed against the hard stone that was meant to pass for a mattress.
The last thing he heard before drifting off to sleep on the cold stone was Lemon, taped to the wall.

"Hey this is pretty kinky man."

Author's Note:

I DID THIS CHAPTAR ALL BY MYSELF.
(teeny tiny edits provided by serv)

I PROMISE NEVER TO DO THAT AGAIN.
EVER.

OH MY GOD.

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