Discord's Very First Faithful Student

by Pokonic

Devilish Discordian Deals To Be Done.

Filthy Rich wasn't a stupid pony.

He couldn't say he was always a nice pony, or a honest one; big business cannot be built entirely on pillars of truth. He couldn't say he was always a good employer, or that the farmers who supplied him with goods got every bit they fairly earned. He couldn't say he was a good parent, or even a good husband most of the time.

However, he could say that, without a doubt, he was a business expert, and that the sin against nature that was currently in his office was the same one that once reigned over Equestria ten thousand years ago.

It was also the same one that made everything he touched turn into gold-foiled chocolate for about twelve hours one unfortunate afternoon a year ago, but he didn't get to where he was without breaking a few eggs. Or associating with creatures of unfathomable evil, for that matter.

In hindsight, Filthy thought as he passed through the door-frame to formally greet his new guest, Discord might be one of the classier individuals he has entertained in his home.

"Hello, good sir," he said, watching the demigod hovering over his couch and stare at the floral pattern on the ceiling at the same time, "Any questions before we go to business?"

The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony yawned, rearing up from the hunched position he had let himself slide into the elderly couch. Filthy always thought the heaviest guest that he would entertain in his home was a member of the Mozzarella business family, who's weight had to be measured in stones and who was rumored to be part cow.

Apparently, he was wrong.

"No, dear boy, it's best we do this now." Discord said, stretching his limbs as he spoke, "After all, I would think you would be asking the questions."

Filthy Rich raised a eyebrow as he made his way over to his desk, a worn oaken thing he valued not only for it's age but for the half-dozen hidden cabinets he discovered in his youth that made keeping documents of dubious legality just that much easier. Taking his time to sit down on it, he smiled complacently at the demigod seated near the other end of the room.

"I suppose you are right." he allowed himself to say, trying to keep a smile on his face as he looked at his guest while resisting the urge to run out of his house, "For instance, why do you wish to take my daughter under your...wing, exactly?"

"Ah, quite the question!" Discord replied, "And a understandable one, at that. Why would one such as I," pausing, he waved a talon over his face, apparently to look dramatic, "wish to take on a apprentice?"

Filthy Rich shook his head. "No, I have no desire to know why you want to take on a student, it's the question of..." his voice turned vaguely pleading, "Why my daughter?"

"She's a exceptional filly, as you must know. Quite cunning and willing to get what she wants by any means necessary, something I would imagine you would appreciate."

A little bit of pride welled up in the shallow bit-lined pit that was Filthy Rich's heart. He always did hope that she would turn around eventually, if only because he wasn't going to last forever and somepony needed to run the company his forfathers creat-

"Why, she reminds me of myself." Discord said jovially, slapping a thigh with a paw as he let out a peal of laughter, "I searched around this entire town for a pony who I thought I could teach, and when I saw her trick her friend into giving up her spot on a park bench because she could, well, I knew I had found the perfect student! You should have seen the way she laughed!"

Filthy Rich, stunned for a few moments, closed his mouth in due time and coughed lightly. He wanted to believe that his daughter would not act so cruel to her only friend, but he knew better.

"I see. So, you wish to take on Tiara because of her ability to..."

Discord raised a talon to interject. "Cause chaos, my good man. Never in all my years have I seen a pony who can properly plan such cruelties or cause such strife and benefit from it so effortlessly. She is a natural at my own art. "

Feeling a wave of shame at his guest's approval, Filthy Rich kept his face straight and his gaze from wavering. "So how do you plan on teaching her, then?"

It wasn't what he really wanted to ask, of course, but he didn't wish to make his guest upset in any way. After all, he was, quite literally, capable of flipping his house upside down at the snap of his fingers.

"Oh, just like any other tutor would, I would imagine." he said, putting a limp-wristed paw forward, "That...school is starting, yes? I shall assist her to the best of my abilities with what she needs helping with first, and then we shall get to assisting with her special talent."

"..My daughter's special talent is wearing a tiara." the stallion muttered under his breath.

Discord cocked his head to the left, blinked once, and frowned. "Hmm?"

"Oh, I was simply saying how I am glad my daughter has attracted the attention of one so powerful." Filthy Rich lied, "But I must ask; what are your qualifications for this job?"

The draconequus blinked, and shifted oddly on his spot on the couch, gangly limbs splayed out and back bent at a strange angle. "I am not sure what you mean."

"Well, who else have you taught, exactly?" Filthy pressed, "After all, my little girl has had her share of tutors, and none of them have succeeded in teaching her very well."

The creature raised a talon in protest, but lowered it slowly, slumping slightly. "I..."

Realizing he had possibly gone a little too far, the savvy stallion backtracked, waving a hoof in dismissal of the draconequus's new found uncertainty. "Now, now, I am sure you are old enough to know some history. Why, I would dare say you were there."

Just like his daughter, Rich observed, the creature on the couch seemed to inflate with a sort of arrogant pride when his ego was stroked in even the slightest of ways.

Sweet Celestia, there were three of them, they were both in his household, and one of them ruled Equestria for a thousand years while the other two were his wife and daughter.

Filthy Rich shuddered in his chair as Discord let out a small laugh, as if he told a joke.

He took time to remind himself that he had a plan for such a event to occur, he just never expected to be forced into doing it.

"Well, I suppose you are quite right." the abomination against creation said good-naturedly. "And on that note, I believe I should be off. Much to get in order, after all. Perhaps we shall start this, say, two days from now in Sparkle's library, two pm. sharp?"

"Twilight Sparkle? The Element of Magic?" Rich said, a little hope seeping into his voice.

"Indeed! After all, it is the only library in this town, it seems, and I cannot teach without books." Discord continued, but frowned after a few moments. "I suppose, ahem, one does use such things to aid in teaching, correct?"

Filthy Rich blinked. Often, he has given advice to powerful individuals and utterly incompetent fools, but never before had he done both at the same time. Usually one brought in the other.

"Yes, that is quite right." Rich said, giving Discord a contemplative look. "On that note, you arrived here five hours ago. You scared my maid, you understand, and my daughter..." he suddenly straightened his posture, a half-hearted attempt to look more authoritative in front of the chaos spirit. "Do you actually know her name?"

"Well, of course I do!" the draconequus blurted, sounding indignant. "Why it is...pink... it is Pink Crown, yes?"

Filthy Rich sighed as Discord looked around the room, presumably to try and find some sort of clue to help him figure out the identity of his daughter's name.

He was going to use his last resort, wasn't he?

"Diamond Tiara. My daughter's name is Diamond Tiara." Filthy finished, sounding mortified that he was even having this conversation. "My wife is coming home soon as well, so you might wish to leave."

He paused painfully, and shook his head. "Also, as a bit of advice, it is generally rude to chase foals all the way to their house, and surprising them by appearing inside their room the exact moment after they believe that they are safe is another no-no I do not want happening again."

To his credit, Filthy laminated, Discord winced lightly. "Ah, yes. Well, it wasn't entirely like that, mind you."

"I just spent a hour reviewing over the recording, actually." Filthy said mildly. "Also, while I suppose the ice cream was a nice gesture, appearing out of nowhere and picking her up might require a few years of therapy."

The demigod's face horribly reminded him of a child's when a adult finds them with a hoof down the cookie jar for a few moments.

"Ah. Well, I see. TwopmsharpgoodsirTwilightSparkle'slibrarymycondolencestothewifecha-cha!"

Filthy blinked once, to avoid seeing the flash the creature made when it departed. The couch looked like it wasn't going to return to the shape it had before, sadly, but what concerned him was what needed to be done in the next five minutes.

"Tiara, dear, you can come inside." he said firmly.

The very old, very valuable wooden door to his office swung open, and his daughter stomped inside and made her way over to his desk, looking utterly furious.

"I'm not going to spend a second with that weird freaky thing!" she shrieked, "This is your fault! That's the weird thing that tried to take over Ponyville last year, dad!"

Filthy Rich smiled at his angry child, knowing better then to reply in a way that would actually give her a reason to think she was right.

"I know, dear, but even if he is a odd individual, he is still extremely influential and powerful. You are quite lucky to have attracted his attention." he said, lying to both himself and his daughter for the sake of keeping him looking calm and collected.

"So is Celestia!" the little filly retorted with venom, only to look confused for a moment. "Like, what was with those flowers you had at the Summer Sun Celebration?" she questioned. "You know, the big blue one's you threw away that spelled 'Welcome Home Our Qu-'"

"Your mother, dear. She was out of town, remember?" Rich said quickly, the tiniest bit of sweat forming on his brow. "A surprise gift, dear. Now-"

"Queen of Darkness? Really?" she said, sounding puzzled. "What does that e-"

"Diamond Regina Tiara, stop trying the change the subject." Filthy said, exasperated. "At the way you are doing at school, I was planning on hiring a tutor that was better suited for your personality, and as it is, the Draconequus, Discord, seems to be at least somewhat knowledgeable in many subjects and actually enjoys your antics."

He paused, his hard look growing softer. "Tiara, we both know your grades are not where they should be, and this year is the last one you have before you have to go to Canterlot High School, and over there, there's no Mayor Mare daddy can bribe with his money to bypass Cheerliee's final decisions."

"But mom always said that there's more than one teacher in high school, and a lot of them are greedy unicorns." Diamond said, sniffling slightly.

"She was talking about Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns, Tiara. Canterlot High School isn't..." he shuddered, "unionized."

The two ponies hung their heads in unison, one of the few times that could truly be said that they felt the other's pain.

"Fine." Tiara said finally. "I guess I'll go."

"Think of it this way, my daughter." Filthy said reasonably, "Twilight Sparkle was taught by Celestia herself, and she is friends with the older siblings of those fillies you keep telling me about, right? Well, Discord is older and...most likely smarter than Celestia, so you will have a better chance at beating them, grade-wise."

Diamond Tiara's brain worked in odd ways, Filthy mused. She was flippant and uncaring most of the time, but he reasoned that was part of her being a slightly spoiled pre-teen filly. But sometimes he could see her mind churn and twist in way's that reminded him of other ponies he knew, not all of them especially kind but all intelligent and wise.

His daughter had the look of a pony who was weighing her options, going past the immediate opportunity and seeing what roads it would open up, what new ventures could occur from going down that road. It was a look that couldn't really be faked, not matter how Filthy wished he could fake it.

"Okay, that sounds good." she says finally, sounding a little relieved. "I guess."

A few moments later, Diamond Tiara was out of his office, and that gave Rich the excuse to lean back and sigh.

Carefully pressing the correct combination into the small safe set inside his desk, he hissed slightly as he took the contents of it with one hoof and the three glasses beside it in the other.

Officially, there is no such thing as Zap-Apple Cider, as it became illegal to mention it by name by a royal order from Canterlot itself, before his own father was born. Apparently, it involved a pint of the substance, the griffon and minotaur diplomats stationed at Canterlot, and two warring peoples being united after a winged minotaur was elected as the High King of the United Fleecan Kingdoms twenty years later.

In essence, the Apples got a few extra acres of land as a royal gift and his own family got the money to create a branch of Barnyard Bargains in Manehattan, which was good. However, the costs of replacing the wallpaper in the royal apartments destroyed during the 'event' that resulted in the next High King of Fleece was great enough for Celestia to make further production of it a felony.

Filthy shook up the age-worn bottle with that story in mind, and shook up the contents within to watch the colors shift around. A simplistic way to amuse oneself, but he would like to think he was a simple stallion.

Popping the cap off the nigh-priceless beverage, he deftly poured himself a shot and slammed it down his throat.

"Sweet. Slightly spicy."

That was all he could say before finding it a lot harder to keep himself awake, and "Omhp" was all he had to say to his desk as his head gently found it's way on it, allowing his head to be buried under a small pile of paperwork and tax policy updates.

Comments

[meme-asaurus]

"She was talking about Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns, Tiara, the place your mother went to. Ponyville High School isn't..." he shuddered, "unionized."

fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/031/d/5/pfft_by_pandaov3rlord-d38hvb0.png

[Seether00]

Figures Filthy wouldn't like unions. Damn corporatist..

[Lag Incarnate]

Queen of Darkness, eh Mr. Rich? Summer Sun Celebration you say?
I'll just leave those questions there for you to ponder.

[Pokonic]

3225665 Barnyard Bargains an't no charity.

[LostUmbrella]

This is ending sooo bad for our poor Filthy

[MidnightFMare]

Diamond Regina Tiara

Regina?

Hmmmm...

Bad ass evil queen... Oy, I hope that Spoiled Rich (Or whatever her name is) doesn't kill DT's first love... that wouldn't end well.

[Draco Dei]

7032860
Where did that last sentence come from?