To say that Aura Gleam’s day had been terrible was probably a very big understatement. His team had not only failed to get sufficient food from the now-deserted village, but also failed in capturing those two rascals who were towed away by a unicorn with the ability to teleport. Sadly, his problems did not end there. The Earth villages would also be hearing about their raids soon, and thus would be preparing their defenses before they could reach the nearest earth pony settlement.
He was pacing inside the biggest hut in Trote, which was once the town hall before they occupied the place. The hut did contain a large timber table, probably for meetings and the like, but that was it. There were no cushions to sit on, nor any gems to adorn the walls. And for some perverse reason he could not comprehend, Aura did not care. All the unicorns in his army had taken their refuge in the village, and would be bound to return to Unicornia in three days. Winter was terribly near. With nothing but a few vegetables that some earth ponies left behind, the unicorn king would be very displeased.
“Sir, a message from Unicornia,” a grey unicorn interrupted as he entered the grand hall. A scroll was securely placed his hooves, protecting it from any damage. “They must be asking about—”
Aura Gleam unceremoniously snatched the letter away from the messenger with his magic. “Status report,” he flatly asked while reading the contents of the letter. The capital was requesting them them to give a report on their mission, and expected for some good news. These things kept getting worse every second.
“We searched the whole village, but there seems to be no sign of any large food stash the earth ponies could have hidden. However, some of the crops are fit for harvesting, so we can use those instead.”
The High Knight simply nodded. After a long silence that permeated the room, the lesser unicorn decided that his superior wanted something more.
“We also were not able to find any traces of the fillies and their abductor, but we can assume that they are on their way to Southern Earth. It is the nearest village here, and the only place they can stay during the winter.”
If there was a time to pursue those two troublemakers, it was not anytime soon. “Very well. Tell the king whatever we have, but make sure to leave the good parts at the end.”
With a small bow, the unicorn went for the door to leave the High Knight’s presence.
“Oh, and give emphasis on the rogue unicorn,” Aura said before he was completely out of earshot. “Foalnapping my daughters is a pretty serious offence, is it not?”
---
Twilight, Celeste and Selene had been walking for hours straight since they left their little camping site. Halfway of the said walk, Selene gave up and accepted Twilight’s offer for a ride on her back. The road they were trudging progressively changed from the grassy forest floor of the woods to the soil of a land surrounded by rocks.
“Where is this?” Twilight asked the filly walking beside her, whose face was now filled with uneasiness. Even Selene, who was previously enjoying the ride, clutched Twilight’s neck so tightly that she needed to heavily gasp for air every time the filly would loosen her forelegs a bit.
“We,” Celeste said with a gulp, “are in the Gem Front.”
The bookworm tried to whack her brain at the serious déjà vu she felt upon hearing those words. Gem Front, Gem Front, now where have I read that before?
Every echo they created with their hoofsteps earned a wince from the three scared unicorns. Twilight didn't know what to be scared of; rocks that on first glance that seemed to loom over them like a thundercloud waiting to open up spewing rain, or the desolate lands that surround them as they marched endlessly into the barren waste. The wrongness in the air seemed to increase with each hoofstep, but that could just be small grains of dust that got kicked up by small gusts of wind. Somewhere deep inside of the purple unicorn, she was more scared for the fillies’ safety rather than her own.
“Um, can you give me a crash course about the Gem Front?” Twilight’s voice was barely a whisper, as though somepony else was actually listening to the conversation.
“It’s the home of the dreaded Gem Hounds,” Celeste replied with a similar tone.
So that’s where the déjà vu came from. Approximately 400 years ago, relative to Twilight’s own era, Diamond Dogs were called Gem Hounds by the locals of Equestria, due to their obsession to anything that sparkles. It was said that they migrated from a land called Gem Front when they heard about the abundance of gems at Equestria.
Of all the things she could forget, it was chapter 17 of Equestria’s Mysterious Creatures.
A loud howl in close proximity drove Twilight to hastily levitate the walking filly to her back. Before she could even take a step forward, she was unexpectedly surrounded by a dozen of Gem Hounds that came from the ground. These dogs looked similar to the ones that ponynapped Rarity and forced her to do manual labor, Twilight noted. The only difference was that they wore no accessories, and their putrid smell was much more detectable by a significant level.
“You ponies steal gems. Ponies will pay,” one said at them with an apparently hoarse voice.
“Yes, ponies pay,” the rest followed like zombies.
“Bu-but we didn’t steal any gems!” Twilight desperately countered. She could feel the girls fidgeting at her back, and she was certain that they can feel her too. Beads of sweat started to form around the unicorn’s forehead as she thought of a way to escape.
“Pony steal gems. Pony pay.”
Teleporting was useless. Without appearing just at the edge of Trote Forest plus Celeste’s freaky knowledge of the lands, they wouldn't have even known what direction they were supposed to walk. Another long range teleportation would risk their orientation, and walking around the forest until winter came was a very bad idea. Come on, Twilight. You’ve been through worse before. Make that brain of yours work!
There was a murderous intent in all of the dogs’ eyes. Four of them, unable to hold back any longer, lunged for the kill at breakneck speeds.
If there was a fact to be known in Equestria, it was that Twilight was not only a very powerful pony, but a clever one, too. If not, everypony should’ve been plummeted into eternal night while dancing in chocolate rain. If not, Ponyville should have been erased from the map by an Ursa Minor. But of all the times she had to be clever, now was the most appropriate of them.
Twilight quickly casted two spells with perfect precision: One was Rarity’s gem finding spell, and the other a simple levitation spell. The four dogs that foolishly attacked were flabbergasted when four fat rubies rapidly burst out from the ground and sent them flying back to their equally shocked companions. Even Celeste and Selene were surprised at the unexpected technique she had used.
One dog recovered from the shock and saw a very rare opportunity at that attack. “Pony can find gems. Pony work for dogs. Pony find gems.”
The other dogs were also now aware of this fact and was rambling the same thing the previous dog had said.
“Here’s the plan. I distract the Gem Hounds, you collect the stray gems around and place them in my saddlebags. Okay?” Twilight half-heartedly said, her mind focusing on the two spells. This must be done with precision, or it wouldn't work at all.
The two nodded in unison. They were confused if they should be scared for their lives or scared for the dogs’ lives. Either way, they had an important job on their hooves, and were determined to carry it out. Selene was clearly thrilled to use her levitation to help.
Three dogs, who were slightly bulkier than the others, jumped in the air and tried to pin the unicorn down. It was then that three topazes swooshed up in the air and hurled the dogs back at a distance. Those who went dashing straight at her were tripped by stubs of quartz that silently appeared at their feet. Those who stayed at a distance were shot by amethysts that were thrown like pillows in a pillow fight. As their numbers began to dwindle, their courage began to fade. At her back, she could feel her saddlebag getting heavier, a good sign that her girls were really fit for the job.
At the corner of her eyes, she spotted a lone dog blowing a stick. Realizing what he was actually doing, Twilight hurriedly pulled the stick away from him and broke in into two pieces. Using another ruby, she placed the dog in an induced sleep.
Unfortunately, the deed was already done; the three felt the ground slightly shake as dozens more of Gem Hounds came rushing to the call. In the horizon formed forms of the dogs, all ready to tear apart pony flesh. Any second now, they would reach her and would be powerless against their numbers. A group of twelve dogs she could handle. Thirty was suicide. Fifty was overkill. She began to grow pale as the last sparks of hope died inside. As the tremors began to grow stronger, the color of the world began to fade. This was a very impossible fight, and even the two fillies knew that fact. Celeste was firmly hugging Selene, who was firmly hugging her neck. Was she really going to die here in the past?
She felt tears touch her freezing coat, which made her heart ache like mad. Not only had she failed to go back to her friends, but she had also failed to protect the kids she sworn to protect. I am the WORST mother ponykind has ever seen, one day as their mother and she gets them killed. Where were the Elements of Harmony when you need them? Where was Princess Celestia when you need her? Where was—
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
Those three little words, spoken by Selene’s innocent whisper that was filled with both anxiety and despair, were enough to shut every single doubt Twilight once had. Let those Elements of Harmony rot in a box, let Celestia be imprisoned in the sun, but there was one fact the universe needed to accept:
Nothing was going to hurt her daughters.
That spark of love that blossomed in Twilight’s very soul had somehow amplified her magic to the extent that she could feel every single gem in the vicinity, from diamonds as small as a tooth to quartzes as big a head. Using the newfound harmony in her heart, she connected every single gem to one goal.
The dogs were very close to the trespassers. They could already smell the ponies, and any second now, they would again kill the unfortunates who dared to cross their land. And maybe they would try pony flesh again. Many says that young fillies—
A gigantic earthquake made every single Gem Hound stop in their tracks. After a few seconds of recovering, some fell from the strength, but the others continued to walk despite their shaky legs, with thoughts too hideous for ponies to even think about. Nothing could now stop that primal instinct to protect their land from outsiders, not even—
Gems. Hundreds and hundreds of gems of different sizes suddenly erupted from the ground all around Twilight and her two charges, and constantly barraged every single dog who once had that thought that they could defeat the most powerful mage that has ever existed. This continued for a full ten seconds until the sky was completely filled with all the gems she pulled out. They all looked like stars on a summer sky, shining magnificently along with the sun itself. The light reflected by each gem saturated the whole land with the colors of the rainbow, dancing elegantly among the dogs and the fillies who reveled in its splendor.
Sadly for the dogs, those stars were of Twilight’s will, and every single one of them wanted to protect her daughters.
Celeste and Selene watched in awe as the stars transformed into a sea of colors as it rained down and chased away the Gem Hounds, who were hurriedly digging holes to hide from its terrifying power. The gems danced around like tunas in the sea, perfectly moving in harmony and grace. After that day, generations of Gem Hounds would be living underground for fear of the Stars of Twilight.
After Twilight’s display of power, she fell to the ground and panted heavily. Now that the Gem Hounds were taken care of, nothing else would trouble them in passing the Gem Front. A great peace overcame Twilight with the knowledge that her two little fillies were safe. She felt like she was lying down on a field of stars as the ground was now covered with an assortment of gems.
Celeste was the first to speak up after minutes of silence. “How… was that possible? You literally controlled hundreds of gems! And…”
“Then all of them suddenly danced around those nasty dogs like they were butterflies…” Selene added.
“… And no unicorn has ever done such a feat before, even the great unicorn mages could only handle twenty.”
Then all of a sudden, both sisters felt very lucky that a unicorn as powerful as Twilight would even waste her time on two ponies who knew nothing about magic, and would say that they would learn every spell she knew when they couldn't even fathom how she could cast two spells at a time.
Twilight looked at them as though she can read their minds. Into their ears, she gently whispered upon their ears:
“You know, a mother would do many impossible things just to protect her precious little daughters. For you both, I would do anything, if it means that you both will have a smile on your faces.”
The emotions that they felt from her words were nothing compared to what Twilight did next: As light as a feather, she gave them the ultimate gesture of love, a tender kiss on each of their foreheads. The two girls cried at Twilight’s chest.
“We love you too, mom.”
D'aww
So cute! I'm loving this story! Moar please
Heh. This just makes Celestia's relationship to Twilight that much more interesting.
Feels at the end, so precious.
Great
FEELS. Please continue. I may die without more feels from this story
I am loving this story!
Super duper enjoyable! I can't wait to see what Twilight will do when she finds out who they are.
But more importantly I can't wait to see what will happen when she gets back to her own time.
This is so exciting! ~Pinkie
I finally fixed some things, guys! And don't hesitate to give this story constructive criticism! Everything is appreciated, from those small confident-building comments to long wickedly-sweet-sucks things and the like, it gives me the power to write.
One other thing: should I be brave enough to submit this story at EQD?
Yeah no. Aura Gleam, you have literally no chance in hell against Twilight Sparkle, unless you jump her from behind or take a kid hostage or something.
First of all, she's significantly stronger then you magically. Second, she has the advantage of several Millennia worth of advancements in magical theory and the development of spellcraft. A insurmountable advantage, even if she is relatively unskilled at combat magic. And third, there's the old saying about getting between a mother bear and her cubs.
I'm loving this one! Keep up the good work!
D'aawwww this is an enjoyable story with a lovely premise.
I can't wait to what happens next and what would Twlight do if she met Starswirl
This is an adorable and awesome story at the same time. That's a difficult feat to pull off. Also, don't be too worried about your English skills. You write better than a lot of native speakers I know. I didn't even guess that it was your second language until the author's note!
2612164 If you feel confident enough, go ahead and submit it. If it doesn't make it through you still have 2 strikes left, and you will have gotten advice from some of the best about what needs improvement!
the one thing that ran through my mind with the gems raining down.
RAINBOW STARS OF DOOM!!!
2612243
Canon said what!? When?
2612292
You're probably right. I shall submit it... after a few hours.
2612243 The teleports that she used while singing were very short range. This one was much larger. I'd guess about the distance from Ponyville to the Everfree.
I'd offer to preread and edit your story, but the only reason I want to is so I can read it before it comes out
2612243
I'm unsure on the canonicity of the teleporting spell being a relatively new development, but thats a good point too if true.
Basically, to borrow some visual imagery from another animated series, Aura is going to be the faceless grunt piloting a mass production mobile suit, going up against a named Newtype with their custom MS. If he's lucky, he'll get an awesome fight before his death scene. But it's still a death scene.
Clip related. And with that tangent, its off to bed!
2612361 I would guess that distance does matter. Otherwise Twilight wouldn't have to take the train to get to Canterlot, she'd just teleport there/back. Also, using Eragon magic, I'd think that covering the distance would still take energy. You would still have to spend the energy it would take to move the freshly-disassembled particles to their new location before you could reassemble them.
I have to say you've hit the pony fanfiction formula on the head. great adventure with diabetes inducing levels of cute. and it looks like you're staying on this project so have a like good sir (I'm assuming sir you can replace that with anything you like). shame it's not Alicorn Twilight I think that would of added a very interesting dynamic to the story, with certain groups accepting or shunning her. story is still great though.
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT4oxbw5WU-83hLxuqa20e4K1S2xb2etvqJwSC703cede5qA1ftIw
Pic related.
WARNING: Since this pic is Rated E for everyone, I'm just putting a warning up saying that pic has a bit of swearing in it. Just in case.
i was like 'awww' at the "we love you too mom" part and my own mummy gave me a funny look, best moment of my life
So much cute, d'aww, epic, and manly tears
You sir, have a gift
"dang, I'm speechless"
Single most destructive force in the universe? A mother protecting her children.
Single most powerful unicorn in Equestria short of the Princesses? Twilight Sparkle.
Who else wants to guess if Twi is gonna make a magic nuke?
That...Was...Awesome!!!
Must I ask, did my writing at chapter 3 improved, even just a little bit? I am anxious to know.
2612164
Not without a major overhaul. I can tell you now it will be rejected based on grammar alone. You need an editor.
2612540
I have plenty of Germanic language speaking friends, including Amish crews. and they complain as loudly as any romance language speaker, or any other tounge, that English is hard as crap. germanic speakers, especially, complain about English's multiple and variable tenses.
2612661
You're right! I don't know how to find an editor; I'm a reader, not a writer. I have even no idea why I'm writing this! How do I find people to edit this. There are too many instructions, and I can't follow them at all.
Please, someone give me some simplified instructions to the world of fanfic writing. It would really be helpful. As I said, you are all freaking me out with this attention. Where are those trusty guides when you need them?
I so hope Twi makes it back to the present, unlike Que Sera, Sera.
2612729 Here we go:The EQD Prereader's Omnibus
Why not try some of the author's help groups? Just type "editors" in the group search. Good Luck.
2612595 Honestly? I think it looks a bit better and a bit less cluttered. As somebody who has taken up a second language, you can trust me when I say that you will get better as time goes on.
That said, sometimes it's nice to have a bit of a "cheat", and have someone tell you a few things. With that in mind, I think that one of the problems you have is that you shift the "tense" or the time in which the story is set. We usually write our stories in the past tense in English, to show you how it works, I'll write out a few lines of text for you, the right way, so that if you try and write something like them, you'll know what to do.
The man walked to the store. - A nice simple and easy sentence to start with. As far as I can tell, you write these correctly.
The man wondered how he would get to the store. - You do however, have trouble here. We always keep our words in past tense unless we are showing the thoughts of characters, or their speech.
"Look out, that store is going to fall on your head" said the man. - You also generally write things that people say in quotation marks, which is the right way to do it.
'I wonder what's going to happen today' thought he, the man of shop seeking. - Here I did a few things that you can do in English, all of which are optional. You see, you can occasionally throw words into different orders if you want to emphasize something, or make it sound dramatic, and if you do choose to use this ever, I suggest you stick with changing subjects and verbs, as anything else can be confusing. Another thing I did here was show how you write thoughts. Sort of. You see, there is no "one" single end-all way to write those, as writing the actual thoughts of characters is a new thing in English, and there aren't many major concessions on what the right way to write it is. I showed off two techniques, which we using apostrophes, and writing it in italics. I like to do both personally, but it's best that you indicate it somehow, because it can get a little confusing when you write out the thoughts and narration in exactly the same way. When writing a character's thoughts you can write in current or future tense, as a nice little exception.
The man walking to the shop saw his friend on the way to the his favourite pass-time.
"Let's go to the store together!" He said, before skipping arm-and-arm to go see the store-wizard. - Here I showed something interesting. I say that because I noticed that near the end of your story you attempted to use a colon to build up suspense, but that's sort of a risky business. It's okay for writing fan-fiction but I wouldn't use it in anything else, just in case you wanted to pursue a professional writing career.
A man looked up on a whim, and happened to see a flock of twenty or so geese of a stark white colour. He briefly considered the population of their breed and decided that they must number in the millions. Shrugging and continuing on his way, though still held by his earlier thought process, the man considered the total population of his own kind, and realized that humanity had around seven billion members. - In this sentence quite a bit is going on, so I took the liberty of highlighting three situations in which you type of a number as a word, rather than a numeral, as well as the reason associated with it, or possibly whether or not to make something a plural. That can get confusing sometimes. Anyway, starting off, we have blue, and in here I showed the basic format for numbers. Generally speaking, when we have a number with less than two digits, we type it out as a word, and since you seem to get the plural right here I think you can ignore that part. Secondly we have orange and I showed that while the two-digit rule may not apply to numbers with more than three digits, you still write it as a word when there is only one number there. Such as one followed by any number of zeros. Lastly, we have green, where I show that when you have an uncountable noun (such as a species name) you don't apply the plural to the numbers, but rather a noun after the number. I doubt you'll need this one, but it could come in handy.
So if you could put up with my extreme overuse of commas, you learned a few things about the English language that could possibly help your writing. If you were confused by any of this, you should probably sleep on it and then feel free to ask me any questions. Anyway, if you need somebody to edit your stories, I'm generally up for grabs, and can edit your stories pretty quickly seeing as I spend about twenty five hours a day on FimFiction.
2612866
Upvotes for you!
Don't forget that you need to punctuate dialogue!
Don't use both quotations and italics when trying to convey interior monologue. Stick with just italics, it's a well-known convention and widely accepted. Single quotes aren't used for this purpose and standard quotes are easily confused. Further, avoid twisty language like you have there. Passive voice done incorrectly just leads to confusion and the appearance of weak or forced writing.
Or
2612729
There are a number of groups on the site, as well at on ponychan (or mlpchan is it, now?) that can provide help. I'd volunteer myself but I have a rather full plate at the moment.
Beyond the grammatical aspects, I'd say there are a number of story elements that need refining, too. The pace is too quick, Twilight is extremely one-dimensional and contrived. That is, she is oblivious to the obvious but perceptive when the plot calls for it. The narration too often just tells the reader what is happening but then sometimes just skips entire segments of time. There is a wild inconsistency.
Out of curiosity, is English not your first language?
2612729 can I apply to help edit?
2612729
Love the idea and concepts you've got so far. You definitely need an editor or two to bounce ideas off of and help you polish your story, but you seem to recognize that fact. Not a problem!
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide is the fimfiction.net writing guide! Actually just noticed it myself. The "? FAQ" menu right next to the Favorites menu has a "Writing Guide" option. Take a look!
Follow Wanderer D: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Wanderer+D He's gone through the same thing (his latest stories are of noticeably higher quality than his first) of having a story to tell and getting out and writing it. I have a lot of respect for him, and his blogs have a LOT of good information, even if they are sometimes presented in a snarky format.
Join the http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group and ask around if anyone wants to help edit or proof your story. I'm not in it myself (just yet) but it was created specifically for authors like you writing for the first time!
And above all, keep at it!
2612866
I am currently writing this stuffs at my trusty notebook, and shall keep every word in my heart
2612936
That might explain why I feel a bit awkward sometimes... I'll try to look up on those.
2612964
Of course! Um, specifics?
2613007 specifics? just send anything my way and i'll edit as soon as i can get to my computer.
2613006
I did not notice that button
2613020
Oh good! Um, sorry to be a bit ignorant (I have no idea where we are getting at, actually), but when should we start?
2613039 well as soon as you finish your next chapter, I can start on it. For now, i think i'll just pm you a compilation or errors/suggestions for the chapters thus far.
So, as far as I can see, Aura Gleam intends to kill his own daughters? Or did I misread that? He did speak of their "demise" in chapter one, which implies that he does want to end their lives.
Incidentally, Selene's insults in chapter one are so much more understandable now. I did wonder why she called him a "worthless jerk", which is a strange thing to say to just anypony who's threatening you... though, admittedly, she still a child, and might've been grasping at straws there just to come up with anything...
Anyhow: If he isn't out for the blood of his children, it'll be interesting to see what happens. We've had a lot of "mother bear Twilight Sparkle" comments already, but if Aura is one of their actual parents? Things suddenly aren't quite so clear anymore.
I've been reading quite a few Adoptive mother Twilight stories and I am quite enjoying them. I am looking forward to when you finish.
So is this a time loop or has Twilight set history down a different path?
2613191
It's... a...
I dunno, the thing that happened at it's about time, only in a bigger scale.
I burst out laughing when Aura said "my daughters"
2612595 Yes it did
I wish I could help edit/ pre-read, but I have no time at all. Aside from that though I love this story, and I can't wait for more.
I wonder how long it takes Twilight to realize who her "daughters" really are xD
2612164
If you want to submit it to EQD go for it. But, first you need to find a few editors and pre-readers to fix what you've written so far and what you are going to write. Also, work on perfecting all the grammar errors. I've seen better stories grammatically get rejected by EQD. However, you do have one big thing going for you and that is the story itself. It's pretty original from what I've seen, and it has gotten a lot of likes and favorites in a short time, which is very good.
2613056
Oh. Hm. I started typing up a list of typos and tips before you volunteered. I just finished it and sent it.
2613366
Well, that's great! I will do my best to make this story better.