Nicolas Cage In Ponyville - Friendship Is Compulsory

by HelmOfDismay

Chapter 7 - Introductions

----Chapter 7, Interim Of Introductions----

Mr.Cage awoke. He slowly brought himself upright and looked about. He had slept in the library last night because apparently he can just do that because he is Nicolas Cage. He put on the hat he had stolen from some farm in the night, and smiled pleased that he had managed to fulfil this promise to himself at least. He stood up, already dressed because Nicolas Cage is always prepared. He shuddered briefly remembering the night a man had broken into his house and stole his Fudgesicle.

Nicolas came downstairs, only to find a gathering of horses occupied the ground floor. There were six in total, four of which he had not previously acquainted himself with. There was the grumpy southern mare whose hat had mysteriously disappeared, Applejack. The mare with the horn from last night which he’d been told to find by Celestia, Twilight Sparkle. There was also an insufferably pink pony with balloons on her flank, whom was jumping on the spot like a kangaroo had been rammed up her ‘pinkie pie’, a rainbow coloured Pegasus – that was somehow remarkably ostentatiously colourful for a world of technicolour ponies. On the other side of the room was a particularly unnoticeable Pegasus, an unexpected oxymoron, which had become so unnoticeable that it was, in of itself, extremely noticeable. The final pony in the room was a unicorn, that, to herself at least, seemed well-dressed, again an impressive feat for a naked animal.

“Hey, I’m Nic Cage.” Nic Cage said with a mundanity so menial that it suited him. The room turned to face him. ‘It is an eerie thing to be surrounded by six racially diverse, individualistic yet cliché, technicolour ponies’, Nic thought as he descended the few remaining steps to reach a comfortable level.

“HI!” The uncomfortably pink pony launched itself at Nic, “IM PINKIE PIE!” It pretty much fucking yelled at Mr.Cage. Nic contemplated how he would measure the fucks he gave about the pony but was met with an unexpected revelation.
“I get that you’re pink,” he began, “but what the sweet, flaming ghost rider shit does pie have to do with anything!?” It was a sentence he instantly regretted, not the swearing, that actually felt rather cathartic – like using a nicotine patch instead of a plaster. No, what he was actually regretting was mentioning ‘pie’, as Pinkie now seemed fixated on the consumption of said dessert.

The next pony to introduce itself was the narcissistic rainbow over by the adjacent wall, not that there is an ‘adjacent’ wall, the room is circular. It zoomed over near him, a verb that was made apt by the sheer wind that was thrown at Nic post-dash. Nicolas reckoned he could guess the name of this pony.
“You’re quick” Nic began to wonder if all of these ponies were going to throw themselves at him. “The Quickest!” began the response, noticing a sudden tendency to use the word ‘began’, “I’m Rainbow Dash!”
“Called It.” Nicolas muttered.

The diamond-flanked pony decided she was being denied the spotlight she deserved, and, as such moved to introduce herself. She sauntered a few metres or so forward and struck a pose. Nicolas noticed more than a few eyes roll.
“I am Rarity!” she announced as though this was a matter of some great, or indeed any, importance. She was another unicorn noticed Nicolas.
“Hello.”
“I make dresses.” She felt the need to mention. Nic recalled his shattered shades.
“Do you repair sunglasses and leather jackets?” Asked Nicolas.
“Never! Such an uncouth array of apparel!” she yelled melodramatically.
“Start.” Said Nic with a slight anger.

The final pony adopted a bashful stance and tilted he head downward as though examining the fine woodwork. Nicolas raised a sexy eyebrow, undoubtedly making several attractive women somewhere orgasm. The Pegasus let out a whimper.
“…..Fluttershy…” he thought he heard.

Comments

[Shane]

This is, oddly enough, comedy gold for me.