Its Luigi's time to shine...In Equestria?

by Aaronwebber9

Prologue (Edited)

Prologue

After trekking through countless mansions Luigi stands before King Boo himself hoping to thwart his sinister Plans to take over the world and turning all his friends into paintings.

"This is it, now or never" He said with as much confidence as he could muster. (Which is not much)
King Boo started to launch his first attack by summoning giant spiked balls to the battlefield, he then did a ground
pound launching the said balls into the air to drop on Luigi. Seeing this as an opportunity Luigi withdraws his flashlight in an attempt to stun King Boo. He succeeds, while stunned one of his own spiked balls drop on the King's head, revealing his weak point.

"This is for my brother!" He said with gusto as he brought out his Poltergust 5000 and started to catch him once and for all. After a long and arduous battle he finally succeeds in the capture, he notices the King lost his crown in the struggle. He runs over to pick it up.

"I did IT!" He beamed, he then begun to dance, as he was doing this a light flashes before his eyes. Everything around him goes white, he then heard something that made his blood run cold, laughter of none other than King Boo.
"Where is Mario!" he growled. He is again met with more laughter from right behind. Shaking in fear as he started to turn around and before he could react everything went black as he fell down unconscious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was morning in Ponyville, Celestia's sun had just begun to rise to start the day. In the Golden Oaks Library there was a lavender unicorn mare still fast asleep in her bed. In a basket next to her bed laid a purple dragon. He was first to wake from his slumber remembering that he has morning chores like preparing breakfast. Reluctantly he got up and headed downstairs to start cooking.

Smelling the alluring scent of breakfast being cooked Twilight Sparkle started to stir from her slumber, with a yawn and a stretch she gets up. Brushing her mane to her liking she started to trot downstairs, where she is greeted by her "Number 1 assistant" Spike.

Morning Twi" He smiled at her, "I made you some hay-cakes with some orange juice for breakfast." Sitting down to his own breakfast made of pancakes with a little sapphire sprinkled on top.

"Thanks Spike." She smiled to her assistant as she sat down to enjoy her breakfast. She was about to begin eating when she was interrupted by knocking on the door. "I wonder who that could be" she said. Spike just shrugged and replied "I'll get it Twi" he said as he got up. She smiled at him and started to dig into her breakfast.
Spike made his way to the door, where he was greeted by a cream colored Pegasus mare.

"Morning Fluttershy, what are you doing here so early in the morning." He asked her.

"Um...Is Twilight up yet? If she is can you get her for me..I-If that's okay with you? She asked in a volume that almost couldn't be heard.

"Sure she is in the kitchen eating breakfast, come in," he gestured for her to come in.

"Oh...um thank you," she said with a soft smile.

They made their way to the kitchen where Twilight was still eating her breakfast. "Oh Fluttershy, what are you doing here so early in the morning? Do you need something?" She asked the shy pegasus. The aforementioned pegasus stuttered a bit before replying.

“Oh...Well..you...see...I was...feeding...my....animals..this...morning...I..heard...a...noise..coming...from..the...forest...I...thought..it..might...be...a......hurt...animal...when...I..went..to...check...I...found...somepony....in..a..green...hat...I...took...him...back...to...my...house...........but...he...hasn't....woken...up...yet...I...can't..figure...out...what's..wrong..with...him..so..I...was...wondering..if..you...could.......come...down...to...check...to...see...if...he...is....okay...if...that...is...alright...with...you?”

Twilight took a moment to process this information before replying. "Of course." "Spike I'm going out for a bit, can you watch the library while I'm gone?" She called out the her assistant. He simply nodded. "Sure thing Twi, please be careful out there the Everfree is dangerous."

She smiled to her assistant "Thanks Spike, I'll be back in a couple of hours," she said as she and fluttershy trotted out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They made their way up to Fluttershy's cottage. As they made their way to the door Fluttershy turned around and said "Oh..I hope he'll be ok." She said as a couple of tears escaped her eyes. Twilight simply smiled at her friend "I'm sure he'll be fine let's go in and see if he is okay." She said trying to cheer her up.

"Okay." she said as she opened up the door to find the aforementioned pony still out cold. Twilight looked to the pony and said "I don't think I've met this pony before. What an odd hat," she said with confusion in her voice as she lifted the hat with her magic to get a better look at it, revealing a horn on his forehead. "Oh he is a unicorn." she said surprised, returning the hat back on top of the pony's head. Just as she did the unknown unicorn started to stir. "Oh Fluttershy he is waking up!" She said at a volume startling the pegasus.

"...Where am I?" He said as he poked up his head not noticing the two ponies standing in front of him.

"Um...excuse me sir..I found you out cold in the forest this morning so I brought you back here…I hope it’s okay with you.

"Forest?" He said still groggy.

"Yes that's right are you okay?" She said hopeful that he is okay.

"Yes thank you miss..." He turned around to see pony staring at him.

"..sir are you alright" Twilight chimed in. 'Did that pony just talk!?

"Yes just bit groggy, where am I?"

"Oh...You were in the everfree forest when my friend found you out cold, Do you remember anything? Twilight asked hopeful for answers.

"At the moment no I can't...OW my head is killing me." He tried to place his hand on his forehead but what he saw made his eyes as wide as dinner plates. He knew this wasn’t right.

"Where are my hands!?"

Twilight looked at him in confusion and said "Hands? Sir are you sure alright?"

'This is weird!' "Can I have a mirror?"

Fluttershy spoke up "Oh..well sure. Can you hold on a second if it’s alright with you?"
'Talking Ponies I know I’m crazy now' " Thank you miss..."

"Oh..um my name is..... Fluttershy"

"I'm sorry didn't catch that."

She said it again

"Come again?"

Twilight spoke up for her friend "Her name is Fluttershy, and my name is Twilight Sparkle. What is your name?" She asked with a soft smile.

"My name is Luigi"

They both looked at him with confusion.

"That is a weird name, I never heard of anypony named Luigi,” Twilight said arching an eyebrow.

Luigi was taken aback by this 'Anypony? What is she talking about?' A minute later Fluttershy returned with a mirror. "WHAT THE!" He said shocked as the image in the mirror was not him but a pony with green fur and a brown mane and tail. On his head was his signature hat along with his signature mustache and a picture of a mallet adorning his flank.

"Luigi are you okay!?" Twilight said with concern.

He did not hear her, his eyes went to the back of his head as he passed out and fell to the floor.

Author's Note:

I'd appreciate a little constructive criticism.

Disclaimer: All rights to the character used belong to their respective owners.

Comments

[Drakvan]

I like this story idea, I'm gonna have a read after work today

[Darkluigi]

OH SHAT ITS ME!!!

[Darkluigi]

Yeah I think i'll skip the prologue..... Urgh now I gotta wait for the next chapter

[Trigger Happy]

The prologue manages to catch my interest. Now the waiting game ... I HATE WAITING!

[Mental Vortex]

I tgink I can tell you the same others told me after they've read the first chapter I've written:
The Idea seems good enough, it has potential ou need to unlock in the next chapters. I've noticed many errors and most of the explanations seem a bit plain.

Don't worry My first try was not better and I'm also still learning. My first tip to improove your writing is that you should try to get a prove-reader. Just ask some other authors here on this site if they can help you. If you want to get an example how effective a prove-reader usually is, read the first two chapters of my work "Lost Radiance"(the only story I'm working on right now, I'm slow as hell) THIS IS NOT ADVERTISING FOR MY STORY! Even thogh I've edited the first chapter a few times it is still not what it should be, so you can still see the contrast between a chapter that is written without the help of a prove-reader and one with the help.

Some basic tips I can still give you:
New paragraph when another character starts to talk. especially at the beginning Spike and Twi talked in the same paragraph.

"They made their way up to Fluttershy's cottage. As they made their way to the door" Here you repeated yourself with the words "they made" This kind of steals a bit of the movement in this scene(at least that is how I would describe it). Try not to repeat yourself, a story can get boring if you do that.
In that specific case for example you could formulate it like"They made their way up to Fluttershy's cottage. While walking towards the door Fluttershy..."
At least that is how I would have put it.

{ It was morning in Ponyville, Celestia's sun had just begun to rise to start the day. In the Golden Oaks Library where a lavender unicorn mare still fast asleep in her bed. In a basket next to her bed lay a purple dragon. He was first to wake from his slumber remembering that he has morning chores like preparing breakfast. Reluctantly he got up and headed downstairs to start cooking breakfast.

Smelling the alluring scent of breakfast being cooked Twilight Sparkle started to stir from her slumber, with a yawn and a stretch she gets up. Brushing her mane to her liking she started to trot downstairs where she was greeted by her "Number 1 assistant" Spike.}
Here the scene seems a bit rushed, the way you've written it it reads like as soon as Spike left the room the smell of breakfast already started, like in the same second. This is not a big error but some thing I noticed.

I've also seen the classic "your" "you're" error.

There is more to note but I did not try to filter every error. Please don't take this as a bad critique or something, like I said I'm still learning myself.
Try to get a prove-reader and all your writing problems will soon be gone. At least that was my experience.
Good luck I'll follow this storyand see what you can accomplish

[gordobraveheart]

YES YES YES YES, OH MY GOD, YES!!!

[DarthRevanFTW]

Am I supposed to read the title in SomecallmeJohnny's Luigi voice?
[youtube=oP2H3S2PRA0]

[MamaLuigi]

I finished reading the prologue and, I finished playing Dark Moon a month ago. I can't wait to see what happens in the later chapters. I'm going to keep an eye out for future chapters. BTW, is Mario,King Boo and the ghosts going to appear in future chapters?

[Phazon]

2536968 Well, he is a brony too, isn't he? No word yet on whether he reads pony or not.

[Simon_oSullivan]

If you want to avoid spoilers, skip the prologue entirely,

Okay, let's see...

There's nothing to read aside from the prologue

[Garino]

Pretty good, so far. I look forward to the next chapter.

And of COURSE it'd be [redacted]. I'd be surprised if it WASN'T [redacted]'s fault.

[Aaronwebber9]

2537303 Yeah sorry about that but really only the first two paragraphs contain the said spoilers.

[Aaronwebber9]

2537259 Wait and see

[Jdts7]

let me get this straight....you have a romance tag......in a LUIGI story?!? WHAT DARK HELLISH MAGIC IS THIS?!?!?!?!?

[MamaLuigi]

2537454
I sure will, I wonder would King Boo would do when he get's to Equestria? I bet King Boo might team up with Queen Chrysalis and her changelings and try to take over Equestria, or he might find a way to resurrect King Zombra, and help take over the Crystal Empire. That might sound very interesting. Look's like I will have to wait and find out.

[Xinrick]

Oh god thats funny

[Sea Pony]

Interesting a luigi's mansion crossover I would be very surprise if it was as good as Sweetie's mansion, but I will give it a chance. Here have a cooki-

i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7415949824/hC8AA1110/
Dammit Twilight!

[supermegakittykat]

This is AMAZING!

[lol2424242424]

And now we wait.

[lol2424242424]

And now we wait.

[Arcadia Arcanum]

2537454

Aaronwebber9, can you read me? thought you should know that this story is great so far and that i've faved, liked, and followed you so i don't miss the next chapter.

i can't wait.

[butterfield pancake]

MOAR!!!

[Sketchy Markks]

This prologue makes me cringe... sorry.

[Ephraim Blue]

I like this story, so I am going to read more of it.
However, there were several grammar mistakes in this chapter. I mean no disrespect, but you should probably look into them.