Comments on "The Crack On The Wall" by The Sleepless Beholder - I Just Want a Comment

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Stinium_Ruide

Stinium_Ruide #1 · Aug 10th, 2020 · 1 · ·

EThe Crack On The Wall

Twilight makes a visit to the school of friendship, Starlight is really nervous, there’s a crack on the wall, and there’s a looming threat of eternal doom upon the entirety of Equestria. But surely none of those things are related. Right?

The Sleepless Beholder · 1.6k words · 19 2 · 576 views

The Crack On The Wall by The Sleepless Beholder shall kick off the second edition of my commentary. I see a comedy tag; I see that the author is trying to tie in two seemingly unrelated incidents and I can see that I’m in for something hilarious. I wonder what could be in it for me?

Summary

Who knew a crack on the wall in the School of Friendship would lead to the demise of Equestria? I mean, Starlight knew, but Twilight was going to experience it first hoof.

Content

Wait, what just happened?

I was actually speechless for a few seconds after reading the story. The chain of events that was outlined in the story seemed to escalate and escalate and escalate throughout the story, making the story wackier after every paragraph I scanned through. The content itself was goofy, though the writer narrates and conveys it all with evident seriousness, which certainly gave me a few chuckles as I read through the story. Events occurred virtually at unexpected turns that quickly resulted in my eyebrows shooting up at the level of ridiculousness I just read, even right down to the conclusion of the story.

I wonder, however, whether the story could have benefitted from the greater inclusion of suspense and emotive writing integrated or intertwined with the dialogue pertaining to the story. I posit that it could help the story to show the level of concern that Starlight had, or the disbelief that Twilight had of the situation. Granted, the author has introduced subtle actions and facial expressions into the dialogue between the characters in the story, though I believe that the author could pause the dialogue for a moment to spruce up this aspect of the piece. In fact, greater emphasis here would shred a greater light into the characters at play and showcase the gravity of the reality the characters are in. This would help the reader better relate to the strange circumstances that befell upon them.

Additionally, this could be brought in at crucial junctures to develop suspense into the story, which may enhance the comedy at play. And this will be better discussed in the next section of this commentary.

Flow

While the chain of events were logical, I felt that the story was high-paced almost right from the get-go due to the constant back and forth dialogue between Starlight and Twilight during one instance in the story, for example. This resulted in the jabs of humour in each paragraph coming in a flurry that might have diluted the level of comedy proffered. Of course, in the author’s defence, I opine that the author may be looking to hit the reader with many injections of humour into the story by adopting a high tempo. Still, I believe that the author could consider developing a level of suspense into this story by slowing the tempo down with the aid of an emphasis on emotive writing that could dampen the rate at which the chain of events was occurring throughout the story. Perhaps this suspense would be key to allow the reader to take in the events of the story and the humour at play, so that the reader would have a greater communication with the story’s comedy.

Furthermore, the high tempo of the story has resulted in the some of the scenes in the piece feel rushed, for instance –

A kitchen knife pierced the door right in front of Twilight’s face, making her take a few steps back. “Starlight what’s going on?!”

Despite the fact that Twilight was almost hit by a sharp, kitchen knife, the pacing of the story made this life-threatening incident feel insignificant, as Twilight seemed to adopt a fairly blasé attitude by taking a few steps back before shouting at Starlight. To some extent, I think that the word choice here could have been better to showcase how shocked/upset/furious/stunned Twilight was and to show how she recoiled in horror at the near-death experience.

Language

Language errors were fairly scarce. Come, let’s check out some of the recommendations that I would like to propose to the author in the appropriate sub-sections.

Syntax

She had left Starlight in charge of the school as it’s headmare not too long ago, and knew the poor unicorn was as nervous as she was excited about it, so she wanted to just make sure that she was taking things well.
She had left Starlight in charge of the school as its headmare not too long ago, and knew the poor unicorn was as nervous as she was excited about it, so she wanted to just make sure that she was taking things well.

Spelling

Celestia and Luna looked at the depts of the large rift that now occupied the space where the school of friendship once stood.
Celestia and Luna looked at the depths of the large rift that now occupied the space where the school of friendship once stood.

Stance

This is a quirky read that I enjoyed checking out, thanks to the level of ridiculousness that was more hilarious than anything. To improve, the author could consider slowing the pace down for the piece to come through more gradually as I believe the author wrote this piece with a spark of inspiration; please check my comments above for more detail, though you are more than welcome to ask.

Content/Plot: 6.5/10
Flow/Communication: 5.8/10
Language/Readability: 7/10
Overall: 6.4/10

The Sleepless Beholder