It was a beautiful day in Equestria. The sun was shining with only a few clouds in the sky in case somepony wanted some shade to cool off.

Feedback:
This first paragraph sucks. It reveals no conflict, it doesn’t establish any meaningful setting and just wastes the reader’s time. It’s bad and the author should feel bad for writing it. If the story started with this paragraph, I’d immediately press Alt + F4.

The first paragraph in my story:

Gasping, I threw myself against the door of our club. It opened with a loud bang. I started yelling before I even hit the floor of our treehouse, “Tentacle ponies are coming!”

The above is an example of how every comment in this thread will look like. When replying to the last comment write:
1. feedback for the quoted first paragraph posted at the end of the previous comment
2. the first paragraph from one of your own stories

7600016
You know weather report can use good, right? It can reset the mood of reader though.

7600021 It's my feedback and I write what I want to. Now please stick to the format of the game. If you don't like my feedback, downvote my comment and make sure your feedback of the first paragraph of a story from the previous comment is up to your own standards.

7600016

I’d immediately press Alt + F4.

Why close the whole tab when you can just go read a different story with a single click?

7600016

It was a beautiful day in Equestria. The sun was shinning with only a few clouds in the sky in case some pony wanted some shade to cool off.

Frankly, i like this. it's a bit plain but if added to it can be a interesting start. personally i feel the beginning of a story is stronger when the setting is explained instead of the problem. if the problem is just thrown there in the beginning whats there to surprise the reader? Sure it will bring fear but it doesn't show why we should care for the characters and what they have to deal with around them.
what if a character was in a theme park but it just started with a chase? how will the reader know they were in the theme park? how will the reader know whats there to possibly throw back the character? if you have things around the character even if you don't know said character it brings fear.

A personal example would be: "Echoes of voices sang around the empty hall. Lights flickered on and off as a smile deepened in the dark, an all too familiar smile. A scream sounded out as the air grew thick with the smell of blood. Chains dangled on the floor as heavy footsteps followed. He was here, and damn was he hungry." from my latest start Apathy, thy Tragedy.

This can be used as an example for a start off with thills, but if i just write: "a killer stalked his prey as she sat alone on the floor." it wouldn't bring as much suspense.

Maybe the writer just wants to start off with a surrounding that's going to be important later, for example: "The chill night air stung against the farmer's lungs as she began her journey home. Halloween decorations dotted the streets as drunk kids sang slurred songs. Stars covering the sky in a beautiful variety of colors, glowing with the intensity of children's wishes. Wishes the farmer knew too well won't come true." This is an example from my one shot called Sweet Bitter Songs.

The reader can see that the character is currently in a cold location and is heading home from a party. if you read the one shot you will learn she returns to the party trying to escape the people chasing her. later the "beautiful variety of colors" will become blurs that the character will dislike. This is setting up a future conflict location.

In short, I for one feel the first line is alright. It could use more but, its a start. each writer writes diffrently so i fully support any ones ideas here, so this is not made to attack anyone. This is just my own personal feedback.

7600016

Gasping, I threw myself against the door of our club. It opened with a loud bang. I started yelling before I even hit the floor of our treehouse, “Tentacle ponies are coming!”

Feedback:
It is an intriguing media res intro. The 'tentacle ponies' line is quite a surprise (if one doesn't know the author :D ) and curiosity drags you to read further. It has simple short sentences that keep the illusion of fast actions and urgency it tries to convey. The one thing I don't like is the "gasping" at the beginning. "Gasp" is something more like a sudden/surprise inhale, not the best choice in my opinion. I'm not sure if you mean that the character was outside, saw something, gasped, and run in, or if he ran there from somewhere else and was gasping for air. If it is the latter, perhaps "panting" would have been better.

The first paragraph in an upcoming story:

Rope speaks. It’s a language of strain and pain. It grunts and groans. Rope is a servant, a slave, and thus behaves like one. It will obey as forced. But there often comes a time when a slave breaks.

7600016
Please don’t take this wrong. Your game is actually a great idea. Sadly, readers misinterpreted badly because of the order of your post. It would have worked differently if you first stated “this is a game”, followed by your rules, then your examples. It changed playful to seeming mean-spirited. I too misinterpreted, but that sparked a blog post on writing hooks before I twigged to what you actually asked for! I will play along in another reply.

7600038

Rope speaks. It’s a language of strain and pain. It grunts and groans. Rope is a servant, a slave, and thus behaves like one. It will obey as forced. But there often comes a time when a slave break

Feedback:
Lacks emotion. I assume after the fact that Rope is a character because you write “It will obey as forced.” It? On the other hand, “She will obey as forced,” takes the statement to an entirely different dimension! She, obey, and forced appearing in succession in a sentence is like fire and gasoline. Add emotion, get empathy in return. Lastly, ropes do make sounds. They aren’t the ones you used.

The following is is the first 110 words from a 20K novella I just published. It has cognates to Bad Dragon’s first example.

I sat gazing across the harbor in Baltimare, Mareland, watching a three-masted ship furling its sails as earth ponies pulled hawsers warping it into dock. The weather crew vanquished the dawn clouds as I retreated into the shadow of a warehouse to keep from overheating, preferring the cool autumn breeze to the morning sun beating down on my blue fur. I had thought I was a good pony. I'd gotten to the point of managing crews in the family business. I had done what Dad and especially what Mum asked. I ought to have been married a month ago. I had a feather and katana cutie mark. I liked to fight. Now I had blood on my feathers.

(Actually, that was two paragraphs with the last three sentences following a paragraph break.)

Just to be antidisestablishmentarian, here’s a flourish on Bad Dragon’s first example. I like it so much, I might write a story to go with it.

The sun shown in a brilliant blue sky, peppered with just the right number of clouds in case somepony wanted shade to cool off in. Like my special somepony. Her blue fur matched the skies, and glistened with cooling horsey-smelling sweat. Her multicolor mane stuck up in all directions. Adorably. It didn't surprise me her athleticism served her beyond sports and competition...

7600038

Rope speaks. It’s a language of strain and pain. It grunts and groans. Rope is a servant, a slave, and thus behaves like one. It will obey as forced. But there often comes a time when a slave breaks.

Feedback: Starting a story with some metaphors and thought-provoking prose is certainly intersting. It evokes the idea that the following story might be artsy or use a lot of very pleasing word pictures. I'm inclined to like it. Granted Something just as important as the first step is the next. If the second step is a tumble down the stairs the first one doesn't save you.

When the war for the sun finally ended, everypony thought things would return to normal once our missing fathers or mothers returned home again. For many towns and city's the defeat of Nightmare served as a turning point for the better, but for my village, it was the beginning of a new nightmare. One you couldn't slay with a sword or wage an army against.

7600371

I assume after the fact that Rope is a character because you write “It will obey as forced.” It?

It's from a comedy/action story I'm writing. It talks about actual rope. Rope that is used to descend a platform down a cave, thus the "grunting" and "groaning" of the rope as it struggles to hold a lot of weight—but using these specific words because the character doesn't think just of ropes. The "slave breaks" refers to the character's, who's POV we see, fear of the rope breaking, and his own experiences that color his perception of viewing the rope as such.

Like I said, it is a comedy action. So what follows the part after this section is done is Lyra farting on Bon Bon's couch and hitting on her. I'm deep like that.

By the way, I chose this story on purpose exactly for this misinterpretation. I wanted to make a point about how a single paragraph, devoid of context, isn't always the best way to judge, nor is it the optimal choice for being the hook. It often is the set up for the hook. It often makes a twist and then sets the hook. It often tries to fool you and then bring things about. There is a bit too much struggle for the hook to be the very first sentence/paragraph, I feel.

7600380

It evokes the idea that the following story might be artsy or use a lot of very pleasing word pictures

And then comes the couch farting a few pages after. See? First paragraphs can deceive.

7600036

"The chill night air stung against the farmer's lungs as she began her journey home. Halloween decorations dotted the streets as drunk kids sang slurred songs. Stars covering the sky in a beautiful variety of colors, glowing with the intensity of children's wishes. Wishes the farmer knew too well won't come true."

Feedback:
So much better than your other two examples! There’s emotion, there’s sensation, there’s a building relatable dread—despite grammar issues. You had a few extraneous words, in addition weasel words (began to) and phrases in place of a verb (note journeyed and twinkle below). On the strength of that paragraph, I think I’d give the story at least a dozen paragraphs until I decided to read on or not.

"The chill night air stung the farmer's lungs as she journeyed home. Halloween decorations dotted the streets; drunk kids sang slurred songs. Stars twinkled above, glowing with the intensity of children's wishes. Wishes the farmer knew too well wouldn’t come true."

I posted an entry in an earlier reply. Okay, actually two.

7600380

When the war for the sun finally ended, everypony thought things would return to normal once our missing fathers or mothers returned home again. For many towns and city's the defeat of Nightmare served as a turning point for the better, but for my village, it was the beginning of a new nightmare. One you couldn't slay with a sword or wage an army against.

Feedback:
Grand idea and I think a good start. Too many words, though. Nothing flashy when a flash is needed to break the grey. The statements lack emotion, though you do evoke Nightmare Moon and signal the story will be gritty. Pardon me for revising your words, and putting some there that may be totally inappropriate to the story; I think it will illustrate what I mean, however.

The War for the Sun ended. Everypony thought things would return to normal despite the lingering winter snow of eternal night, and for many towns Nightmare’s defeat proved a turning point. For my village, a new nightmare began. An equally bloody one you couldn't slay with a sword or send an army against.

I already posted a paragraph in an earlier reply.

7600383

I chose this story on purpose exactly for this misinterpretation. I wanted to make a point about how a single paragraph, devoid of context, isn't always the best way to judge, nor is it the optimal choice for being the hook.

I can see that, though I will say that starting a story in a way that is easily misinterpreted in the first paragraph won’t be a good hook. And you are right, a story is also the cover art, the long description, the character tags, and the first few paragraphs that follow the first paragraph. I make a point in my current blog entry that you really should make sure the reader is swept into the story within the first half-page (about 150 words), and you should do that by forming an emotional connection. Since it's comedy, you might want to lead with the fart joke.

It often is the set up for the hook. It often makes a twist and then sets the hook. It often tries to fool you and then bring things about.

Yep. I agree. See my example, where I copped out and put two paragraphs together. The last three sentences are a second paragraph, and they set the hook.

There is a bit too much struggle for the hook to be the very first sentence/paragraph, I feel.

<smirks> Though I generally agree, the following does the job very well. It is a repeat of my rewrite of Bad Dragons “bad” example.

The sun shown in a brilliant blue sky, peppered with just the right number of clouds in case somepony wanted shade to cool off in. Like my special somepony. Her blue fur matched the skies, and glistened with cooling horsey-smelling sweat. Her multicolor mane stuck up in all directions. Adorably. It didn't surprise me her athleticism served her beyond sports and competition...

7600409

I can see that, though I will say that starting a story in a way that is easily misinterpreted in the first paragraph won’t be a good hook.

Ah, but the misinterpretation often is part of the plan! Like a magician, sometimes you gotta make the reader look to the wand you're holding as you steal their wallet. I got like... let me count... one with the rope, the fake protagonist, the red eyes, the ghost, the self-carving mountain hole, the nuclear explosion... six set up there alone in order to make use of them much later down the line.

Since it's comedy, you might want to lead with the fart joke.

Fart jokes are a horrible lead. They make you feel as if you're reading something crass or uninspired. But they are an excellent tension breaker. Thus its place after. And remember, emotional connections, hooks, empathy, sympathy, curiosity, they don't have to be built in the first paragraph. It is often better to take the time to reach out with your hand before you flip the bird.

Yep. I agree. See my example, where I coped out and put two paragraphs together.

I know the pain (whispers: I did that too!). It's that weird thing where a phrase is kinda part of a single paragraph/thought, but you need to put it on one of its own for reasons of design/impact/other.

Like this.

<smirks> Though I generally agree, the following does the job very well. It is a repeat of my rewrite of Bad Dragons “bad” example.

If nothing else, multiple questions about the "horsey-smelling sweat" do hook me. Is it a human who narrates? Is it a pony? If it is a pony, how come the 'horsey?' Are there horses in this Equestria? Also, how does he know how RD's sweat smells? Is horsey-smelling the standard, does he imagine it like that, has he gone into her house while she was out? Is this a stalker? Should I call the police?

If nothing else, multiple questions about the "horsey-smelling sweat" do hook me. Is it a human who narrates? Is it a pony? If it is a pony, how come the 'horsey?' Are there horses in this Equestria? Also, how does he know how RD's sweat smells? Is horsey-smelling the standard, does he imagine it like that, has he gone into her house while she was out? Is this a stalker? Should I call the police?

<grins> Yep, you found the key phrase. If I write the story, it will require at least one warning tag.

Fart jokes are a horrible lead. They make you feel as if you're reading something crass or uninspired. But they are an excellent tension breaker.

I was going for the comedy in that observation, but I agree. I write high-tension stories and use comedy (usually the black kind) as a tension breaker. I don’t think I’m capable of writing a comedy story, but put characters in embarrassing situations and I can make it funny. I always keep in mind that despite there being fun in funny, funny is actually a synonym for embarrassing. The butt of the joke rarely has fun.