TEverymare Loves Chrysalis

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Comedy

Thanks to Twilight Sparkle, instead of love and revenge, Queen Chrysalis only got love. But NOT the kind she wanted.

• Sex
• Twilight
• Other
• Main 6
• Chrysalis
• Starlight Glimmer

ThePinkedWonder · 7.6k words  ·  106  8 · 2.5k views

By ThePinkedWonder

Summary:
Thanks to Twilight Sparkle, instead of love and revenge, Queen Chrysalis only got love. But NOT the kind she wanted.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

My first thoughts:
This was pretty hilarious and something I could totally see being an episode of the show if the rating was higher. (Kids would be asking about herds and many other questions most parents would not approve of. But not to digress!) I was a little iffy on the narrator at first, but that is mostly because I haven't read too many omniscient 3rd person narrators in some time. (The first one that comes to mind that is somewhat similar is Lemony Snicket and his Series of Unfortunate Events series. Which I do wonder if the author got some inspiration from in the way the narrator breaks the 4th wall. I also feel sorry for poor Chrysalis (and Twilight to an extent, but she has often gotten herself in similar situations in actual episodes, so, not as much), for all the chaos Twilight brought on her!

Did I like it?: Yes! While comedy is not my favorite, as I really have to be in the right mood for it, the author did well in quelling a sour mood I was in with their story, better than a random YouTube video on cats failing to jump from point A to point B, which is really saying something as I love those kind of videos! The main characters, Twilight and Chrysalis, seemed well in sync with their usual selves and the narrator (who I count since they are omniscient and have an almost 'character' of their own) was quite entertaining. I also really loved all the references, some I don't know where they are from exactly but know I have heard them, but the ones I did get, mostly show, comic and video game references, were well played!

What I didn't like: Not much exactly, though one thing that did bother me, was that when Twilight's spell hit Chrysalis and stopped her from being able to use magic, she could still transform into the pony she had been disguised as. To me, this was still using magic and just made things a little awkward. I think it would have been better that when her disguise failed her, she hadn't been able to call it back. Some of the dialogue seems... off... but that is most likely because the spell made characters act how they wouldn't normally act.

The Heart:
At the heart of the story, it is about Twilight longing for a special somepony, but her adorkable ways make it hard for her to find one and so she takes drastic measures as she has in the past. Like in earlier episodes of the show, such as Lesson Zero of Season 3, she goes against what she has been learning about friendship and tries to take the easy way to get what she wants, with a spell. In a similar spell to the 'want it, need it,' spell, this spell makes everyone she thinks cute want to kiss her and be her special somepony. Like in the Lesson Zero episode, this backfires badly on her with Chrysalis being hit by the spell instead.
The throwback to older seasons was a nice touch, and that it affected Chrysalis just added more to the charm for me. (What can I say? She is my favorite character after all. )
As Chrysalis ran around trying to avoid all the ponies going after her, I couldn't help but laugh and express my own groans of cheerful 'oh no's!' with each new one added to the mob as the day rolled onward. I especially felt for Chrysalis as this 'horrible day' for her exhausted her and all she really wanted was to get away from all the crazy mares!

Characterization:
The main characters here I felt were quite spot on for how they would react in the show- not counting those under the spell of course- and especially loved the narrator and how snarky they seemed! As well as all the references the narrator gave us: Dr Who, Super Mario, some of the MLP comics, The Shining, and so many more that just made me laugh! This comment from the narrator was especially my favorite:

Hey! You out there jumping up and down and yelling for Twilight to take you! Stop “volunteering” and calm down! She doesn’t have Pinkie Pie’s ability to see past the fourth wall, so she can’t see or hear you begging.

Alas, all the poor people reading who like Twilight. *Le sighs.* Some might find the wall breaking narrator (especially wall-breaking in the first chapter, not 'as' much later on) annoying, but seeing it reminded me of old favorites like Series of Unfortunate Events? I found them nostalgic and entertaining.
Twilight was her cute, adorkable self that I love. Too shy to ask anypony out but finally tired of being alone, she risked a dangerous spell to find one or 10 special someponies for Hearths and Hooves Day, and like usually happens when she makes bad decisions, it backfired on her. This just made her all the more in character and lovable. We don't see much of her other than the beginning and end, which I would love maybe a epilogue where we see some of what she was doing in the middle? but it is not necessary, but also how she learned her lesson and acted repentant at the end, admitting even she, an 'expert in friendship' was still learning, helped her feel all the more real to me.
Now Queen Chrysalis, oh my poor dear lovebug, how Pinked put you through so much! With the restrictions placed on her by not being able to use her magic, I felt Pinked did well in characterization of Chrysalis. Our grumpy little lovebug thinking 'oh, I heard about Hearts and Hooves Day. Why did I never think of going out and gathering on this most lovey-dovey of days before' and it totally backfiring on her kind of reminded me of "The Mean Six" episode and how her grand plan there backfired as well. I also got vibes of Emperor's New Groove character Ezma from her, which isn't a bad thing, both are very entertaining villains. Her panic rising with each new pony also just brought on all the more hilarity!

Story/Concept:
As has been mentioned, this did bring on similar vibes as episodes from the show such as Lesson Zero, but I did like the spin that Pinked did on it. We still have Twilight messing up hilariously- even if not funny for her- and Chrysalis is the one who really pays the price of Twilight's foolishness here, though the mares affected by the spell sure didn't get off easy either, especially Starlight! Though I don't think it a bad thing to have Twilight learn a lesson she has taught Starlight in the past, to not use magic to solve your problems, as we have all been in that hypocritical place like that ourselves plenty of times in the past, it has been done a lot. The story was still charming and funny, and the comedy of it did make my day a little better, so that gives it brownie points there. Chrysalis being chased all around Ponyville as she tried to figure out what the Tartarus was wrong was wonderful!

Spelling/Grammar:
I have little problem here. The editor and author did a good job on the spelling and grammar. The main thing that bothered me, is that usually when referring to Starlight, she is labeled as Unicorn Starlight or to similar wording. In this situation I don't feel unicorn needs to be capitalized. Besides that, I noticed little to no errors that stood out to me. Everything is clean and well edited.

Final Thoughts:
This was a delightfully fun story to read, and helped me feel better on the first read-through as I wasn't having the best day. So if any of you are having a bad day, give this story a read and it will hopefully put a smile on your face and help you feel at least a little better. The story is charming with good humor, and though the lesson is a little overdone, it is a lesson many of us could use a refresher on. Even if we don't have 'magic' ourselves, trying to find a quick fix to our problems is still not a choice we should make, but take the path that will better solve the problem for the long run.

Heart: 8/10
Characterization: 9/10
Story/concept: 6/10
Spelling/Grammar/Tenses:9/10
Overall: 8/10

To the Author: Thanks for sharing this with me, it was a delight to read and I'm sorry about the long wait! You are good at comedy, and I would love for you to continue writing such funny content.

To the Reader: Do you need a good laugh? Is your heart downtrodden and skies grey? Or is everything just fine and you want to read something that will make you feel sorry for Chrysalis? Then this is the story for you! I hope it makes your day better!

7334719

Thanks a lot for the review, and no problem about it being late!

I'm really glad to hear that my story helped get you out of a sour mood, because that's one of the things I want my (comedy) stories to do: make others laugh and cheer them up

Some time after I wrote the story, I started wondering if how desperate Twilight was to get dates was a tad too cringey and if I should have cooled it a little with her, but glad to hear you think that it was done well.

As for why stuff like the names of pony races like unicorns always started with upper case letters, my editor brought that what you said too. Always capitalize the "u" in unicorn" or "a" in "alicorn" was something I've seen in some stories and appears to be something that's valid to do (even the writing guide on the site said it's fair game) but a lot of stories don't do it. Kinda like how some use ellipses like "This...is good" but others use them like "This... is good" or "This ... is good". This unusual capitalizing is something I stopped doing in my last 10 or so stories, though, with the exception of this story's sequel.

The idea I had for why Chrysalis could still shapeshift despite being unable to use magic was that shapeshifting was something that's an inmate changeling power and this could be done even if Chrysalis couldn't use it. Thinking about it, I could've done better than that, or tweaked the story a little to work without her being able to shapeshift at all.

In all, glad you enjoyed the story and that it helped cheer you up!

7334917

I'm really glad to hear that my story helped get you out of a sour mood, because that's one of the things I want my (comedy) stories to do: make others laugh and cheer them up

Of course! Best thing in an author to me, is one who can help their reader show emotion. Be it happiness/laughter from a comedy, or tears from a tragedy, and everything in between, it is one of the things that makes me like a story the most. ^.^ So yes indeed thanks so much. ^.^

Some time after I wrote the story, I started wondering if how desperate Twilight was to get dates was a tad too cringey and if I should have cooled it a little with her, but glad to hear you think that it was done well.

Nothing worse than we have seen in the show, I would say, (Twilight CAN get pretty cringy in the show at times. XD) So yeah, I would say you were good there. :)

As for why stuff like the names of pony races like unicorns always started with upper case letters, my editor brought that what you said too. Always capitalize the "u" in unicorn" or "a" in "alicorn" was something I've seen in some stories and appears to be something that's valid to do (even the writing guide on the site said it's fair game) but a lot of stories don't do it. Kinda like how some use ellipses like "This...is good" but others use them like "This... is good" or "This ... is good". This unusual capitalizing is something I stopped doing in my last 10 or so stories, though, with the exception of this story's sequel.

Ahhh so a stylistic choice, more or less? Heh yeah I know I don't (I blame the English classes of HS and College for that and a lot more. They really try to kill any style but 'proper academic'! ) Seeing you point it out though, I can understand where you are coming from with it now. Nothing wrong with a stylistic preference! (As long as it is used correctly of course, and with this explanation now, I feel you did use it correctly.) I'll have to check out some more of your work then to see how your style changes and grows! :)

The idea I had for why Chrysalis could still shapeshift despite being unable to use magic was that shapeshifting was something that's an inmate changeling power and this could be done even if Chrysalis couldn't use it. Thinking about it, I could've done better than that, or tweaked the story a little to work without her being able to shapeshift at all.

I think I can understand that, and after all, we never really do know 'how' changeling transformation works, so every author is welcome to their own interpretation of it, and I don't mind that. :) True though, either a little snippet of info on how she can still change, explaining the above for example, or having found a way for the scenes to work without the shapeshifting at all, either would contribute to making it that much better. ^.^

In all, glad you enjoyed the story and that it helped cheer you up!

So am I, and thank you for your wonderful response.