EThe Return of the Sun And The Moon

• MLP: FiM
• Random
• Sci-Fi

it been nine year since the three main Princesses disapped from equestria

• Anthro
• Alt. Universe
• Celestia
• Luna
• OC

keithsterling · 12k words  ·  9  8 · 944 views

By keithsterling

Summary:
It's been nine years since Princess's Celestia, Luna, and Cadence disappeared from Equestria with no sign of how or what happened. In light of this, there has been war between Equestria and the Crystal Empire as Princess Flurry Heart fights for her right to rule as a born alicorn, against Celestia's foals: twin alicorns -- a mare and stallion, and her youngest, a unicorn mare. They have been in a deadlock now for 5 years, nopony gaining any ground, when suddenly a strange surge is felt by the granddaughter of Celestia, Alysia Ara Silverlight, in the rooms of the old sun and moon princesses, and two sets of eyes open once more to a world they no longer recognize, and anthro now too, to make things more off putting for them!

Note: Before I get into the story, I just want to let everyone know this is a sequel to another story, Shatter Realm Chronicles and so some of my observations will be based on having read that first for reference. Now, on to our review!
Also, Spoilers Ahead! Be warned.

First thoughts:
This story is certainly different from what I usually read, and yet does have similarities to some I have read. (Like Celestia and Luna disappearing and the narrator or those around them not knowing where they went.)  For a short, multi-chapter story it also was reading like it could have been a much longer, novel length story, but we'll get into that more below.

Did I like it?: While it wasn't my favorite, it was decent and far from the worst I've read in general, not just for reviews. I like the idea and the characters seemed interesting enough, but there were a few things that kept me from loving it. Part of that was issues with the story this is a sequel to, some of which continued into this story as well, but I'm not here to review the former story, so I will try to stick with the issues this one had and not the issues of the former.

What I didn't like: Well, the main issue that bothered me was a good portion of the story was in the present  tense. This probably is more a personal preference, but present tense stories just don't come off as good as past tense ones to me usually. I'll constantly find myself fixing the tense in my head into past tense and have to go back and reread how it really is. Along with this, the author seemed to have a problem keeping to one tense. Yes, most of it was present, but the smaller half that was past tense just made everything stand out all the more. There are times where present tense will work best, but much of the time it was used here just left me confused and interrupted the flow of the story rather than significantly benefiting it. 

The heart:
Unlike its predecessor, which very much read like a history book for 80%+ of it, the author has partially fixed this problem. It still has points where it feels like I am reading a history book as things happen, but less so. When references to long gaps in the timeline in the lore come abruptly, it interrupts the flow of the story and loses the immersion of being there with the characters, which makes the overall story come out sounding flat as one reads through it. How can I connect with the characters, if we jump from one thing to the other so quickly? These abrupt jumps hurt the strength of the development of this story and thus lost any connection the reader might have to the characters. As a consequence of this, the heart of the story is more apparent as Celestia and Luna return and not only reunite with Celestia's now full grown foals, but also meet their granddaughter and grandniece (in Luna's case). This was indeed a little heartfelt, and funny with how Prince Somnus reunited with his Aunt Luna. Though I do feel the heart could have been stronger. With how the story is written, I feel scenes being more elaborate would have helped me feel the heart of the story better. This passage for example:

At first, Alysia was frightened to tell her grandmother that she was a Sea Pony Siren, fearing that her grandmother will want nothing to do  with her because she is so different from any other pony breed she  knows. After being told, Celestia dipped her hand into the lake and  splashes it a bit. The moment she felt Alysia grab her hand underwater,  she used her earth pony strength to carefully pull her to the surface  and kisses her on her cheek, before telling her she will not love her  any different than any other breed.

With how this is written, it feels very much so more telling than showing. A longer scene of at least a few paragraphs as Alysia pondered over telling Celestia the truth, feeling how scared she was, about the bad rap sirens usually had because of a few, and then Celestia doing her thing of reassuring her all was well and she didn't judge based on a few bad eggs. I feel this would have been better than just saying Celestia told her she still loved her no matter what breed she was.

Sadly I feel this problem pops up often in the story, to where the 11k+ it ended up with could have easily doubled if not tripled in length if more was shown rather than told. Though the description of the outfits was well done, I could easily picture what everyone was wearing. Though I for one am not a big fan of descriptors of how a character looks every time they enter a scene unless that detail is significant to the plot. So character A wears outfit 1, 2, and 3, one day one. Are they wearing it because said dress is in their mother’s favorite color and they want to make her happy? Or they want to impress a guy and when he sees them in such an outfit has his jaw figuratively fall to the floor at how beautiful she looks? These are the kind of instances where what the character is wearing would be significant. If we know they wore outfit 3, and then we just go straight into the scene with no other mention of it, it seems like filler. Same with height and foot size. We don’t need to know character A has giant feet every time they take their shoes off unless, for example, character B always teases them about their giant feet and that they should be wearing clown shoes, or the like. Using details like these where it is not needed kills the immersion even more. 

Characterization:
For the characterization, I feel the canon characters (pretty much just Celestia and Luna, as we only hear about Flurry Heart’s actions and very little of Shining Armor, if he still lives) were okay. Their time together as sisters, like when they realized they were anthro, were cute and felt accurate to how their show selves might act. When interacting with the OC's though, and the OC's alone, that is where I didn't get much feeling for them. With so much just being told rather than shown, We learn more about their clothes, height and foot size much of the time then we do who they really are. Their introductions were rushed, where I would have liked some details a little more subtle, including who they are more so than what they wear or the size of their feet. The OC’s development, counting both this sequel and the former story, is rushed so I can’t get a feel for them. I’d love more on why Flurry Heart was so against Celestia’s foals ruling and helping her out. What made her so angry at the world and feel she should be in charge of everything? This is but one example, as there is nothing I love more than a well-developed villain, but the same can be said for the main OC characters as well. Make me believe they are real, that they have a cause worth fighting for! I didn't feel a connection to any of the characters or much worry about their problems. Probably the only character I cared for somewhat was Princess Blueberry, and much of that was from reading the first story and feeling a little bad about the short end of the stick she was tossed and dealt with much of her life.

For the writer to improve on this, I feel that perhaps showing some of the scenes at the battlefront with Aurora and Somnus and all the crap they were dealing with against Flurry Heart's forces, their team members fighting and some falling, showing the harshness of their war. Or more detail into their reunions with Celestia and Luna and the things they talked about, how the sisters might help them get through the turmoil they dealt with while they were gone. Heck, even a scene where we actually see and interact with this prideful version of Flurry Heart and her eventual capture and how that all comes about. Any/all of these could have helped me feel more for the characters and made them feel more real and want to care if they live or die.

Story/Concept:
The story/concept has been done before, both with Celestia, Luna and sometimes Cadence disappearing with no apparent reason/deadline on when they might be back, as well as their foals taking over the crown when they were no longer able to. That doesn't make it a bad thing though. An evil Flurry Heart, for one, is a twist I have not personally seen in other fics and gives the concept a refreshing taste. I really would have liked to see more on what she was up to and doing things, more so than just the bits we get in the former story. However, what we do have here is good, though it did confuse me going from pony in the first to anthro in the sequel here. They are in a distant future from canon times, and have some more modern/futuristic tech that takes the place of true magic, but the switch didn't make any sense to me. How did they all become anthro? Why? What happened in the last nine years since Celestia, Luna, and Cadence left that changed their biology so much? I feel the answer to these questions would have given the story that much more uniqueness and to stand out all the more.

Though going along with the future tech taking the place of much of magic, and replacing what magic was left with a psychic ability instead, was quite interesting. Even if once again I question how all this happened in the space of nine short years, this is a little more unique for this type of story. I found it intriguing how it still worked with 'old unicorn' magic in that not all unicorns could have the same psychic abilities. That, at least, made it more real to me, even if I would have liked the idea expanded on a little more.

Spelling/Grammar/Tenses:
Now this is where I feel the issues are worst for me. As stated before, a good portion of the story was presented in present tense. This is not always a bad thing, as if used right, present tense can make for a good story, and have its charm so to say. Yet, since it is very uncommonly used in most fiction, it reads weird and is hard to get a mind set to. Personally, I've yet to read a story set in present tense where I feel it couldn't be written better in past tense. There were plenty of times as I read through it my mind automatically fixed the tense to past, and I had to go back and be 'wait, what did that say?' Along with that, there were times where present tense was forced into a sentence where it really should have been past.
For one example:

“I was just told by your Aunt Blueberry, how this Crystal War started.”  Celestia commented a bit sadden as her granddaughter sighs softly  looking outside at the night sky.

(Emphasis put on certain words by putting them in bold.)
With this example, both bold words would don't sound right in this present tense. Changing them to saddened and sighed would fit much better, and this occurs many more times than this.
Spelling wise, majority of it was fine, a few errors but not as big a deal as tensing.
My biggest help to the writer would be to go through and edit a good portion of that to either be past tense, or fix the ones that obviously don't fit in present tense the way they are presented into past tense. Perhaps a good editor could help with that.

Final Thoughts:
I am so sorry it took so long to get to this, I have no good excuses really. I did still like reading this story even with all the problems mentioned. You have a creative mind, and I feel you could add so much more to this to make it even better! Perhaps even a 50k+ story by the end if things are more detailed and character motivated! I like the idea of an evil Flurry Heart, work with that more so we can see the true insanity behind those oversized wings and huge ego/prideful attitude of this version of her. There are things that need fixing, but I feel with a little tweaking you can make this that much better.

Score:
Heart: 4/10
Characterization: 5/10
Story/concept: 5/10
Spelling/Grammar/Tenses:4/10
Overall: 4.5/10