TWhen Dating a Sunset...

• MLP: FiM
• Equestria Girls
• Romance
• Comedy
• Drama

Local human Eric Reed falls for interdimensional traveler Sunset Shimmer and wants to ask her out.

• Sex
• Human
• Spike
• Main 6
• Sunset Shimmer
• Starlight Glimmer
• Main 7 (EqG)

ThePinkedWonder · 62k words  ·  79  10 · 3k views

Summary of Story here: After being rejected by a mare he formed a crush on two weeks ago, Eric Reed starts to develop feelings for another mare, Sunset Shimmer. But fear of being rejected again, because of his "real-life" appearance, makes Eric hesitant to put himself out there to try to ask Sunset out.

Will he conquer his fear and ask Sunset to go on a date? If he does, how will Sunset, who's oblivious to her friend's changing feelings toward her, react?

And if she indeed says "yes" what's next for the two?
Introduction section: Hello every pony! Nailah here again to bring you yet another review. I must say I seem to be getting quite a few of Humanxpony romances. Granted, that's not a bad thing, just something I've noticed and with each story I've read I've seen more of what not to do over what makes a good HIE story. So without further ado, let's dive in shall we?

Initial thoughts: Okay, first off the summary. I've addressed the length of the summary in a previous review, and this one has similiar issues but let's take a closer look at it, and I'll break down why this doesn't work.
1. The format. It's written in the way it's asking the reader do you think x will happen that will cause y to happen, equaling z happening.
Eric Reed was rejected by a mare in Equestria but is crushing on Sunset, will he ask her out? And will she say yes? and where do they go from here?
It feels generic. Like the author was like this summary will work, I don't need to be super vague, but I also don't need to tell the whole story in summary format. Going for a somewhere in the middle can work...but I feel this falls a little flat. It's not terrible but it's not good either.
Now as for the story. When I started the first chapter, I could tell right away I was in for a headache. The plot is very particular, and you know how it's going to go, but I kept reading to give ThePinkedWonder the benefit of the doubt that at the end of things I would end up liking his story. That didn't happen and here's why. 5/10

What I liked: Hmm...I like the romance? I mean it's one of those "disney" type romances that develops over a few days time, but I can see that the two care for one another. But I also feel that Eric Reed and Twilight have a stronger bond and they're established as brother and sister in this piece. All the main characters are in character as far as I can tell, so they know what they are doing, just the execution falls flat.

What I didn't like: Everything else. As said the romance feels rushed. The slice of life elements bored me, but I somehow managed to keep reading. The plot is predictable and feels "wish" fullfilling. Like I want x to happen so that y happens. I want Eric and Sunset to date, but I also want to build tension while the whole time you know what's going to happen. There's no suspense. Okay, even when I read Nora Roberts who is by far one of my favorite romance authors, I know the couple will get together, but not the "how" will they get there, and she often puts in surprise elements I didn't see coming. This story doesn't do that. Everything that happened I'm like yep, I called that, and then in certain chapters it seems ThePinkedWonder uses puns to make the chapter funny to read. I thought this was a romance, not a comedy. Granted I've seen some Romance/Comedy mixtures but they aren't easy to pull off.

Grammar: Sentence structure, but overall nothing major. 8/10

Characterzation: Everyone was in character so ThePinkedWonder did good here. 8/10

Story/Concept: The concept is a very common one and a lot of writers have written their own HIE story. This one feels weaker than some of the ones I've read and seen out there. And it's repetitive and dull. 5/10

Overall thoughts: I can see how this story wanted to go but the execution of how it was written is just generic and bland. And the emotions I feel from it make me groan and sigh about all the ways it could've been handled better. First of all, when writing a romance, the world isn't Disney. People don't fall in love right away. Crushes are somewhat different, but still. When writing a story you shouldn't focus on x should happen to make y happen. Tell a good story. It takes time and practice. I can't say this story is the worst thing ever because it's not. It's just bland/generic and there's so much better HIE stories out there that even to a fan of HIE I'd say this is a skip. 5/10

NEW SECTION:
Headpat worthy: Nope.
Boop worthy: Nope
Meh!: Yes. -Reason story is generic, bland and not that interesting.
Cringe Level: No

Final score: 5+5+8+8+5=31/50
6/10.

To the author: Don't give up! I know criticism is hard to receive and even harder to learn from but there's a lot you can improve on, and believe me I've been here. It hurts, but you can only improve from here. Take what I said to heart and try applying some of the things I mentioned into your next story, and you'll see a huge improvement. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll never improve, You'll stay stagnant. and that's not what any of us want.

Remember keep being awesome.

7191458

I see.

Going by the review, looks like romance stories may be a genre I'm weak at and should just avoid for the time being, especially since some of the things you said was things I did/didn't do (that wasn't good) I really tried to do the opposite, but I did anyway. Keeping Eric and Sunset's feelings at the level of "just a crush" for a month was one of those things to try to keep the romance from feeling rushed, so if it still did, I messed up in another area that made it feel rushed.

Trying to keep it from feeling wish-fullfilling was something I really went all-out to not do, because that's something I really don't want my stories to feel like. If it still happened, I literally don't know what else to do about it, besides just not write romance stories with OCs. Maybe having the story longer would have helped?

That said, I did hear that romance is one of the tougher genres to do well and knew I was really taking a chance by giving it a shot. If I didn't do it that well, it sucks but I do feel it's better to know I didn't do that great, then not know and think I did. It helps that I wasn't planning on writing many more romances anyway, so on the whole, this could have been a lot worse.

In any rate, this is valuable information that's great for me to know, so thanks a lot for the review!

7191458

I've been trying to think on the things I could have done better in the story. It was, in many ways, an experimental story, using the advice I've heard for how to write romance stories. Safe to say, this experimental element of the story showed, and even following the advice only worked so well.

But the more I think of it for answers, the more questions I have, which are quite a few now, on what did I do wrong and why. But the two biggest things my mind still can't wrap itself around are about what's quoted below.

I mean it's one of those "disney" type romances that develops over a few days time, but I can see that the two care for one another.

I really tried to have it develop Eric and Sunset's relationship over a month, or from chapter 7-18. I've been trying to figure out how I wrote the story in a way that still gave off that feeling, but I can't think of a thing that I might have done wrong. I know I could have done it better, but I can't figure out what I did wrong so I can try not to do it again. This was never happened before, so this is brand-new territory for me. It's not my style to think that a reader "just didn't get it": if it come off that I did it over a few days, it means I did something wrong

First of all, when writing a romance, the world isn't Disney. People don't fall in love right away. Crushes are somewhat different, but still.

I really had that mindset already when I was still working on how the story would go, and even took a few steps to not do that. I guess I could have more intentionally drew out the romance for a few chapters and use slice of life elements to help, but you felt the SoL parts were boring. In fact, slice of life is itself a genre I can struggle with: I genuinely don't know the difference between a boring slice of life story/scene and an interesting slice of life story/scene. I know "something" is there with good slice of life scenes/stories and I can feel it when I read them, but no SoL advice I could find can tell me how to use that "something" myself. It feels like if I do SoL right in story, it's pure luck and would have little to do with my actual writing skills.

As a writer that's only been writing for about 1 1/3 years, I've had my share of messing up in a story, or doing something that, if i gave more thought to, could have done better even with my lack of experience. Still, romance is the first genre I've attempted where even trying to follow advice messed me up somehow, and I just can't figure out how it happened. I can feel it, but that feeling's too vague to know what to do about it.

That may be what sucks the most. As for now, I don't know enough of what I did right to build on anything, and I'm not even sure what I did wrong or how, but just...did.