TIs a Shark Mare's Bark Worse Than Her Bite?

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Comedy
• Drama

You have come to Haywaiian to make some research for your next book. It is here in this island paradise that you meet the diamond dog, Holly and a shark pony named Jagged Nibble. Enjoy your stay.

• Second Person
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Fancypants
• Fleur de Lis
• Diamond Dogs

Robipony · 29k words  ·  157  3 · 2.4k views

Summary: This story is a sequel to Missed Stop, Monstrous Meeting

You are a unicorn stallion who has just arrived on the Haywaiian Isles by airship to gather some research for your next book. As you step off the ramp, a few pounds lighter after the wobbly ride, you meet your tour guide and begin your exploration across the islands.

While the diamond dog by the name of Holly might be your tour guide, there are other interesting characters that await you here in Haywaii. Some of which can be pretty intimidating. Enjoy your stay.

Initial thoughts: Alright, normally I don't read many second person stories, but that doesn't mean that they aren't good. It's just usually not a genre I would read. However the idea itself of a shark mare interested me, and I wanted to know more. I can't say it's bad, but I can't say it's a masterpiece either. It's fairly solid, there are just things in certain parts of the story itself that can pull you out of the engagement of this tale. But we'll get to that.

Creativity: I've seen Robinpony do monster mare stories a lot, and i have only read one other by him, so the idea of a monster mare existing in Equestria could very well happen, and there's really not a lot of these stories, outside the ones he writes. At least not that I'm aware of. So for that it's creative. Going to a place that we haven't seen in the show is also interesting, and he gives time for us to explore the idea. Though, I would have loved it more, had he gone more in depth with the traditions of the island, rather than summarizing to keep focus on the monster mare. It's a nitpick, but still. Wanting more is never bad right? 8/10

Grammar: NOW. Usually I don't have much to say here, but this time. I had to stop more than one because I noticed "Celestria" it's Celestia. Not to mention there were a few other spelling errors that just broke me out of the flow and engagement of enjoying this story. It's not earth shattering, but if it bothers me, it might bother others as well. 6/10

Characterization: Granted, most of these characters are Oc's and often it can be hard to make us "care" about an Oc. Granted, I didn't really relate a lot with the reader, which with this kind of story, you are basically supposed to be the "writer" in this story. It can work, just didn't do it for me. Now, Holly and Jag both characters are just fine with how they are written, however as someone whom is quite the fan of sharks, I found that Jag came off as a bit too soft in certain parts. Sharks are known to be aggressive, and feisty, not so emotional. Granted this is probably for the sake of the plot, which I get. Again it's not bad. Holly herself was kind of "shoved" to the side to focus on Jag and the writer more. Granted she's part of the plot here, but I felt she could've have more moments to "shine" 6/10

Overall thoughts: This story is very solid for what it is, however there were moments where I was questioning, okay tell me more, or ugh the misspellings here and there did bother me a bit. However, I can see why Robinpony wrote it like this. He didn't want us to get too tied up in a new area, but wanted to show us a new monster mare, while still having a story out of it. However, there are also things that could very well be improved upon. Such as Jag's backstory. We didn't really get much of that, and it's a shame. Overall, 7/10.

Keep up the good work, and I hope what I have said can help you in the future.

Final score: 7/10