EDITED to put in the reference to who I was replying to, that somehow got lost:
7378227

Huh... I don’t think anyone’s ever been this toxicly positive to me before. Nice breath of fresh air, actually.

I'm left wondering if my comment was every bit as confusing to you as yours is to me. Because I can read your comment as mostly sarcasm, but that doesn't tell me what's behind it, except a general notion that you seem angry at me.

My comment on your story was not sarcastic. I did say why in some ways I thought I couldn't judge some aspects of your story impartially. But everything I said about your story, both positive and negative, I meant. And they are all things I don't take for granted.

"Toxic" makes me think of someone who is trying to injure you or mess you up, and I wasn't trying to do either of those things.

7377138

I guess I really overlooked a few important aspects there when reading your flashfic, so just dismiss what I said.

Dismiss? Nah! Everyone comes at things from different places and those are valid. What I wanted to do was acknowledge your valid point and explain the point on my side that informed the decision I made. Also, as you were not feeling well, I hope you feel a little better now!

7377376
This is an enormous relief, thanks!

7363919
'Butchered' is the correct verb. 'Incredulity-state' sells the image, but is a really sloppy way to convey it. Using 'the mare[...]' when Applejack is specified in the previous sentence might be excused if it was a deliberate choice to draw attention (to the unfamiliar?) that this is a grown female, otherwise just use 'she'. If that's the best sex ed possible, woe to all.

7363961
'Noose', I think, not 'nose'.

A tentabus called Muse is on the loose

Assuming iambic tetrameter for that stanza, you're squeezing four sylables into nominally two (ta-TUM --> a TEN-ta-bus)

((x)-IF this-THREAT is-NOT con-TAINED)
(a-de-LE-ri-um for-PO-ny-kind will-BE or-DAINED)

Edit: maybe (if-this-THREAT is -NOT con-TAIN-ed-(x))

More meter oddness. Without knowing how these fit to the music, it reads as a stretch.

Clever idea; reminds me of the Versebreaker stories, which however is not the same thing. (See "Celestia Hates Us All".)

7364209
I'm not sure what to make of this one. It seems to mix/conflate inspirational love, romantic love, and filial/familial love, which taken at face value could be really dangerous. Maybe I'm missing something. The language is pretty, though.

7364601
'starting to strum it' is a subordinate clause, and should probably have quotes on both or neither side. You don't need to explain why Mac is there (save your word budget?). As noted, change punctuation and capitalization for the 'he said' -- if the narration continues the dialogue (forms of saying things included), the quotes usually end with a comma and the exposition is not capitalized; IIRC this is middle- or high school-level material.

7365175
I have no idea who these characters are. Gathering of old friends about the death of another, contemplating their own mortality? Solidly written in any case. Saying nothing for that long seems improbable to me... hyberbole?

7369890
This was really cute.

that though skies above may seem dreary,
and you might feel quite world-weary,
just remember that I'll be by your side."

Before she could continue, Twilight was interrupted by the sound of snoring. The alicorn looked down to find Spike fast asleep, a content smile upon his face. The sight elicited a smile of her own.

It is unclear here if she is interrupted mid-stanza, what with that period after 'side'; if so, it's a strange dangling line. Also, two hours dungeon for 'the alicorn' there.

7370094
Gosh! PTSD!

7370927
Another really clever idea about the power of song (see Versebreaker note above). As another commented, that is a weapon. I still don't get how those lyrics could compel ponies to do what they did, but eh.

7373516
This works as it stands, but my thought is to tell Rarity By Celestia, get over yourself already and open up to him!

7373754
Great weaving of the meter between the song(s)/singers and the narrator. Hiccup:

As she held beloved Vinyl
And so many tears were shed

Drop that 'and'.

The style of Vinyl's part is a stretch for her character, but people ponies stretch themselves for the ones they love.

7374592
I don't get it. Maybe it's referencing stuff from the last two seasons? Who is this 'he' she is speaking with? The tree of life sang? (hello, End of Evangelion -- hisashiburi ne.). Without blank lines between paragraphs, I have to make a couple guesses for where each begins; the wrapping is such that paragraphs in one or two places may not be separate and would have mixed agency, usually a no-no.

If I missed an entry, shout, please.

7378515

This was really cute.

Thank you!

It is unclear here if she is interrupted mid-stanza, what with that period after 'side'; if so, it's a strange dangling line.

It's not mid-stanza—the interruption was supposed to be between the verses/stanzas. My bad—I probably could've made that clearer.

Also, two hours dungeon for 'the alicorn' there.

I apologize for contracting Lavender Unicorn/Alicorn Syndrome. That being said, I have a few counterpoints:

1. The story was designed to take place post-Season 3. Due to the Flashfic length restrictions, referencing Twilight's alicornhood was the best way I could do so succinctly.
2. I only refer to Twilight as "the alicorn" once. You completely skimmed over the two instances of me referring to Spike as "the dragon". Kinda feels like you're picking and choosing what to be perturbed by.

I agree that LUS is irritating in excess, but "two hours dungeon" over a relatively minor case seems excessive itself.

Just wanted to explain my side of the story. Thanks for the critiques!
:)

7378515 And that's why I'm immune to tentabus Muse. I can't music.

Just popping in to say I'll be giving the results on Thursday this month. In the meantime, do carry on; don't mind me!

7378534
A partially agree about my LUS comment re: Spike. Frankly, I just overlooked them. The first 'dragon' works; I'd work out the second.

What made me doubt between stanzas was the last line lacking a rhying partner, which was new to the patterns so far. Struck me as odd.

7378959

Frankly, I just overlooked them. The first 'dragon' works; I'd work out the second.

'Tis a fair cop. I'll try to cut down on them in the future.

What made me doubt between stanzas was the last line lacking a rhying partner, which was new to the patterns so far. Struck me as odd.

Fair enough. I was trying to do a Moonlight Serenade-type thing where the first 2/4 lines rhyme and the last just serves to wrap up the stanza, but it didn't really translate onto "paper" that well. My bad; if I'd given the song a bit more time to develop, maybe I could've made its overall structure clearer.

7378740

Just popping in to say I'll be giving the results on Thursday this month. In the meantime, do carry on; don't mind me!

Rescheduled to Friday, now?

7378740
7380047

Rescheduled to Friday, now?

I was starting to wonder the same thing, to be honest.

7380047
If you haven't been eliminated from the pool of final finalist winners by the end of Thursday, you are definitely a winner!

That's my hadcanon, anyway.

7363919 7363961 7364209 7364601 7365175 7369890 7370094 7370927 7373516 7373754 7374592

Belated results post!

First, my apologies for being a day late with this. I've had one of those weeks, but I usually do better. Do feel free to nudge me via PM if I'm late with these again at any point.

Second, to Mockingbirb in particular: tough feedback is fine as long as it's tough and not brutal (and, more importantly, not made personal). You didn't fall into those traps, so it's fine. The only thing I would ask is that if you quote someone, you include the link so we can see easily who said that line. (This comment is the one I'm thinking of.)

Okay then, to the actual results! I found this month's entries really hard to judge, and for the best of reasons: all of them had something about them that made me smile or sniff or laugh or cry -- or more than one of those. Thank you to every single one of you.

Hon mensh: KwirkyJ -- I really enjoyed this, but I went back and forth for a long time about whether I should allow it. The Smooze is G4 canon, but the Smooze song is not, and you don't quite get the full effect of your fic unless you know it and its context in the G1 movie. However, Rules 6 and 7 here don't disallow crossovers with non-G4 MLP content. At least not at the moment. So it's in. It made me chuckle, a relatively rare thing in a songfic, plus it used the song in quite a clever way.

Winner: TCC56 -- I adore the Student/Young Six, who to my mind are the best thing about FiM's final two seasons. One of my favourite student episodes is "The Hearth's Warming Club". Your fic felt like it came from a similar place, and that was something I greatly appreciated. Silverstream, who can be so flighty and bubbly, being the one to hit me in the feels with her song. Gallus, who can be abrasive and irritating, giving us a great one-liner to end on. Both doing something slightly unexpected, but something I could believe them doing. I liked this one a lot.

Congratulations, TCC56! You know the score: please think up a prompt for December's contest and post it in this thread when you've done so.

Once again, thank you all! Do feel free to continue discussing and feedbacking (yes, it's a word, so there) if you so wish.

7380247

made me smile or sniff or laugh or cry

What effect did my song (7363961) have on you, if any?

I keep trying to make impactful flashfics for every one of the contests. but I feel they always come across as 'meh' in your eyes.

7380247

The only thing I would ask is that if you quote someone, you include the link so we can see easily who said that line. (This comment is the one I'm thinking of.)

Sorry, somehow the link back got lost in editing, I guess. I've put it back in.

7380247
Second hon mensh in as many months. Guess I'm doing something right.

Going in, I was aware that I was dancing on the rules' edge, but felt that the idea was worth writing even if it were disqualified. However, the intended effect was not one of humor -- could you please elaborate on what about it made you chuckle? (or perhaps it was only a part of it that did so?)

7365175

Congratulations, TCC56.

7380265
You, who are so great at writing... Please teach me your ways...

7380322
Oh, my devoted subject, you do not truthfully wish to wield my power. Your keyboard's constitution is far too frail and would needs must disintigrate at your touch; sanity and friend alike fly from you, and your only remaining companions should be the cold, unblinking stars -- too bright to hide inspiration yet too distant to give lend it stable shape.

More seriously, if over-generalized: read a lot and write a lot. You are always your first audience. Explore myriad style and voice and themes and structure. Always strive to make your words effective, and examine what makes the material you read effective; if not effective, then fun.

Also note that I have actually won here very infrequently, never in the WriteOff from whence I hail (not counting the recent-ish round where I was the sole entrant), and most of my works here are very short and (as far as I can tell) pretty much unknown and ignored. Great writer I amn't.

7380247

Congratulations, TCC56! You know the score: please think up a prompt for December's contest and post it in this thread when you've done so.

Woo hoo!

Oh, right, now I have to think of a thing.

Hm.

A lot of the stories this month were a bit heavy, so let's go with something that lends itself to a lighter tone.

Next month's proposed prompt: "Pranked!"

7380348

A lot of the stories this month were a bit heavy, so let's go with something that lends itself to a lighter tone.

The way you've stated this reminds me of something I encountered not too long ago, and will paraphrase below from memory because yeah right actually sourcing it. Not that I agree with it entirely, but humor often has a kernel of truth to it.

Responses to creative prompts often reflect the disposition of the artist. For instance, you can have the prompt 'death' and get an adorable scene of two loving friends chatting away as they stroll through dead autumn leaves; or with the prompt 'sunlight' find the story ending on a glint of sun off a gun barrel as the last thing the protagonist sees.

Creative types are like old gods, and should not be given instructions that avail themselves to open interpretation.

And, since we're here, congrats on the win!

7380249
I thought it was a nice idea, and I very much appreciated the use of Clover, a character I've always liked. The thing that let it down a bit was that it didn't scan very smoothly in places. For example, the first couplet works very nicely, with both lines in matching iambic tetrameter (de-DUM-de-DUM-de-DUM-de-DUM). The rhythm sounds right when you read it out loud. However, that symmetry isn't sustained throughout the piece. For example:

I have already succumbed to this effect
But you can still escape its magical dialect

There, the first line is 11 syllables long, and there are two consecutive unstressed syllables ("-dy succ-"). The line after that is different again, at 13 syllables. It's this kind of mismatching that I feel takes away a bit from the effect of the piece.

7380265
Simply that when I realised what Bow-bow-bow! was, I burst out laughing at the wonderful absurdity of it all. I like me a bit of G1, and the way that series mixes really quite intense danger (eg the burning beehive!) with utter ridiculousness (eg the Smooze song) seemed something with which your entry was very much in keeping.

7380345
All right, that sounds fine. A one-word prompt is what we shall have next month! I'll go and do the appropriate editing in a moment, and maybe I'll actually remember to put the new thread up on the 1st. Maybe.

7380391 Yeah, you're right. 7378515 mentioned these problems with my song as well.

7377153

Suppose that Vinyl is singing something that's more Octy's style, specifically because she's singing it to Octy? She's trying to demonstrate that she understands Octy as a person, and that she's willing to grow and change for the sake of the relationship.

This makes sense. And it makes the story suddenly much deeper than it was before, a brilliant idea!
.

This actually leads to a whole expanded fanfic idea where the two of them previously broke up in part because Vinyl kept blasting wubs all the time and Octy was annoyed and Vinyl was inconsiderate about it, so when Vinyl decides to make amends she deliberately sings something outside her usual style, to show that she's sorry.

And that is a genius idea! I'm happy my input could inspire you to a big story. Now I hope you'll be expanding this and if you do, I'll do my best to read it as fast as possible.
.

And presumably that would eventually inspire Octy to attempt to write a dubstep tune for Vinyl. I assume she would do a bad job, but Vinyl would love it all the same. =P

And that's the sequel then. More than that, you could even make a trilogy out of this:

1. A heartbreaking romance drama about two different musical styles clashing with the worst possible consequences for the relationship.

2. A heartwarming, uplifting slice of life story about a rekindled romance between two musician ponies.

3. A comedic story set months later, about Octavia trying to write a dubstep tune for Vinyl to give to her as present on Hearts & Hooves Day, which fails horribly and Octavia stumbles from one problem into the next while writing it, then somewhat managing to scramble together a piece of music. It sounds ear-damaging when she plays it to Vinyl on Hearts & Hooves Day and Octavia reckons with it that she will hate it but, being used to strange, experimental indie electronic music, Vinyl Scratch loves it. Leaving Octavia dumbfounded about how Vinyl Scratch can like something that she can only play with earplugs.

And then they fight again because Vinyl Scratch has no musical taste.

A trilogy like this would be splendid.

7377158

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

I probably can't.
.

Oh, and the Changelings only made everypony sleep. It was Luna who created the dream to connect them.

Oh, yes, that's right. I forgot that detail. Luna is preparing a plan to free them all, excellent.

7377164

it sounds plausible that stories would lose a lot of their challenge and become simpler and more thoughtless/mindless when the imperative is more on "sell merchandise" than "tell a story for its own sake"

Yes, but it is sadly not restricted to merchandise shows. Although, I noticed it is the strongest with those shows, it affects all shows. I saw many shows that didn't even have merchandise for them and, yet, they still fell victim to this.
.

the sudden explosion of remakes in films

I despise any kind of remake, because it always destroys what made the original so special. I just noticed that again two weeks ago when I watched the original and the remake of a movie back to back, as part of a new ponyfic project. With movie remakes, though, it is easy to see how movies have gotten simplified and less complex over the past few decades. Which is the only thing remakes are good for and the only thing I tolerate their existence for.
.

I don't want to patronize people by beating them over the head with something when they can figure it out for themselves, yet neither do I want people to come away from a story feeling it was incomprehensible to them.

I fear the latter is not possible in this day and age. At least not until things improve again. If and when they improve, though, is something that's impossible to tell. So all we can (and should) do is writing our stories in the objectively best way possible and to expect readers to roll with this. A high standard for entertainment is important.
.

Whoops! Where are my manners? Thank you both for the reviews. You've been most helpful.

You're welcome.^^

7377204

I find sexual jokes too easily created and often fail at being executed properly, so I try to make them gems when I attempt them.

You managed it well.

7377339

(Unless FlutterCheer missed it when reviewing stories.)

No, I didn't miss it. I generally don't read any EQG stories, so there was nothing I could say about your flashfic.

7378326

Nah, you can dismiss it. I really wasn't feeling very well when writing the feedback, so I overlooked both the fact that it can and does differ between families and that Rarity has referred to her dad in a different way. Feedback should be objective, but I wasn't there, so my feedback I gave you is a clear candidate for dismissal.
I do feel better now, though.

7382051
This post is so positive that...I just can't even. Thank you so much! =)

I'd love to write a trilogy about this. I suppose I have to work up the self-confidence first. But you've definitely helped with that! =)

7384521

I am glad I could help. Inspiring more pony literature is something I always like doing.^^ I will be happy to read this story if you write it.^^