7341139
Thank you!

Aaand now I feel like we can throw in a tornado and debris for Dash to dodge.

To this music? Absolutely! This is suitably dramatic for Dash in a storm!

7341107

You're welcome; I really enjoyed it. (Though that's probably a given when I placed it first!) And yes, "Rising Star" sounds like an excellent prompt. I'll make the appropriate edits to the group front page in a minute, and as usual (when I remember, that is) the next thread will go up on the 1st.

All I'm going to say on ellipses is that when The Oxford Style Guide and the University of Oxford Style Guide can't even agree on whether ellipses should be surrounded by spaces (the guides, respectively, say yes and no) what hope have the rest of us got?

7340988 I'm just wondering, did my story (7316933) lack atmosphere?

7339565
7336850
My understanding of em-dashes is that personal preference is usually OK as long as the writer is consistent with a set of rules, and I try to use them where I otherwise would have used parentheses when used in pairs or solo dashes get the space on either side. I was actually thinking of just leaving it at the first block of haikus, but I wanted to continue the story, and yes, I did feel it getting weaker in there as I strove to preserve syllable count.

7337185
I based this one off real life, more or less. Wildfires in my area of the world are so common, I've come to think of ash falling down as Autumn Snow. I've been lucky, but we've had whole towns wiped out. One family in our church even moved way out of the area while rebuilding (and following work). Besides, Ponyville was rebuilt how many times in the early seasons?

7340988
Thanks for the honorable mention! I was pretty happy with how my story turned out, and I'm flattered to see how well it was received, too. Of course, I can see how it could have been a bit too obscure for some people's tastes. Congrats to Astrarian, as well!

7341139

When I read this story of yours and compare how we handle these two in our own way, I feel like my ShiningXCadance diallage would be considered as mere puppy love if you were freed from the 150 word restriction.

Thanks for the compliment, haha! Funny thing is, I've hardly ever written romance in any capacity, let alone written about Shining & Cadance's relationship specifically. I always feel like I don't have enough experience with it to write a compelling narrative, but this bolsters me with a bit more confidence in that regard.

And I'm sure you're selling yourself short, too. Based on the interactions you described, their relationship sounds very sweet.

7341522
No. I enjoyed it. Just that I enjoyed the three winners' fics that little bit more. (Why yes, I am answering this completely straightforwardly, thank you for asking...)

7341531
FWIW, I tend to use an em-dash with no space when a sentence is cut off:

"And here's Fluttershy with her gigantic laser cann—"

But en-dashes with spaces when they're used to mark off a section:

It was really very cold – probably below freezing – in Pinkie Pie's cavern today.

That's fairly common British English practice. That said, this is one of those things that no two style guides seem able to agree on, especially once you throw Transatlantic differences into the mix. As long as you're consistent in what you do, I'm unlikely to find them distracting or irritating in the way I would comma splicing or iffy capitalisation.

7343090
"Iffy capitalization" is something I was taught to do by a friend in a role play a few years back. I think it got to the point where I would also capitalize anything the Latino dub said in English, including "cutie mark" for some reason.

Finally get around to answering on my feedback.

7336850

I don't know why thunder and lightning would sow anguish.

According to the dictionary I consulted, it's a different word for "fear". So I used it for variety's sake. It does also mean "agony" or "pain", though, and a pony who is afraid of a thunderstorm would feel agony over it, as fear is agonizing. I like the subtle implication and how it invites a reader to think deeper about the meaning of the word.
.

It stands to reason that someone whose talent involved them would appreciate them, so I like the way you portrayed this filly. This does a nice job of creating the weather imagery and also using it to grow her character, so it's pretty effective as a character portrait even without having a plotline.

Getting out the word about Tornado Bolt and making her a bit more known was, especially considering how underrated background pony stories are these days, my goal with this flashfic and from the responses I got on it I seem to have accomplished that, so I am happy my flashfic made you think about Tornado Bolt a little. There is still much more to do to get background ponies their old fame back, though, so I can announce with joy that I will write more for the underrated and underappreciated here.^^
And, since we are at the topic of background ponies, I wondered if you could do me a favor and read this story of mine and tell me your thoughts about it? I am interested to hear your feedback on it and it could help future purposes if you let me know what you think about this story.
.

A few editing issues, but this was simple and sweet.

Can you tell me what these issues are? I struggle a little with proper sentence construction lately and knowing these issues would help with that.

7337185

This was a good flashfic. It captured a cute moment for Tornado Bolt. I do think that maybe it should've been spaced out into two or three paragraphs rather than one long one, but other than that, it's a pretty solid story for 150 words.

Thanks! Tornado Bolt deserves more attention and I wanted to give her more with this flashfic.

For the paragraphs, I never space them out in a story. I prefer indentations when using paragraphs, as spaced out paragraphs just break the reading flow and, thus, immersion of a story. When I write flashfics, however, I generally don't use indentations, because of their short length that should make it easy enough on the eye without them as opposed to a long story.
I'll probably add them once I finally release my flashfic anthology, though, if only because I am used to that with published stories.

7339565

The idea is solid, but some of the presentation doesn't work for me. Comma splice, '...when it rained, she was a pegasus...'. 'An explosion in backwards order.' 'heralded its impulsive partner.' The span from 'But even a pegasus ... sat down on the bench'. Please space your paragraphs.

I went over my flashfic and I don't see any comma splices in the sentences you listed. Some of them don't even have commas. And I never use spaced out paragraphs, it's an established standard here on FIMFiction.net that irks me because it breaks immersion while reading a story.

7347437

I was unclear -- only the first passage '...when it rained, she was a...' had the comma-splice (should be '...rained. She was...').

I see. As I understand the term "comma splice", it does refer to usage of too many commas in one sentence, something that breaks the reading flow and lets you miss the greater composition of the sentence because of too much fragmentation. There is only one comma here, though, so it cannot be a comma splice.
Furthermore, splitting this sentence into two sentences by using a full stop would take a lot of tempo out of it. This sentence lives from a faster tempo, to highlight and express Tornado Bolt's energetic and badass nature. So a comma fits the purpose of it, while a full stop would ruin that effect by making it slow and dragging.

7347432
I was unclear -- only the first passage '...when it rained, she was a...' has the comma-splice, as the comma there joins two fully-formed independent clauses. The other mentions were me highlighting where I disagreed or struggled with your choices.

(repeat of deleted post to create new notification, as I edited it significantly from the original)

7347446

As I understand the term "comma splice", it does refer to usage of too many commas in one sentence, something that breaks the reading flow and lets you miss the greater composition of the sentence because of too much fragmentation.

This does not match the definition generally accepted by the rest of the world. Fast link from web search: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma-splice/ The correct solution to avoid a hard stop in your case, while changing nothing else, would be to replace the comma with a semicolon.

And I never use spaced out paragraphs [...] because it breaks immersion while reading a story.

How are you defining immersion?

Most publication formats allow for indents at the start of paragraphs -- a feature somewhat lacking on fimfiction. Indentation allows for the author to clarify paragraph breaks while permitting tight spacing of the lines. Without this facility, the convention has become to insert a blank line in place of the indentation. Without being clear on where paragraphs are separated, the reader can easily (1)fail to grasp intended flow and (2)succumb to reader fatigue against a solid wall of text.

Compare and contrast this 800-word short of mine with the below where I have stripped the interstitial newlines...

The letter found me, and there was nothing to avoid it. In the span of one hour I had informed my research partners, gathered my few belongings and Boulder, sent my reply by Pegasus courier, and boarded a train for the heartland. That I did all these at a walking pace would astound most... I always thought it went to show how little ponies thought of walking.
The three days of travel were not pleasant, lifted from the Base Earth and a prisoner to my thoughts, but Boulder was there to keep in my company. Other ponies of all tribes came and went, most content to send a furtive glance in my direction, uncertain. I delighted a young filly by name of Quick Step with a geode from my bags. The rock could be replaced; her joy could never be.
I petted Boulder often, his stead presence merely at my side often feeling insufficient. I am sure that I slept, but I do not remember it.
It was with mixed feelings that I greeted the Earth again upon arrival at the station, doubly so with my siblings gathered there. I was very happy to be rejoined with them, true, but it was also terribly sad.
I did not need to look at Inkie or Blinkie, but I did anyway. The moment was enough for greeting. There was nothing for the matter that words could articulate that Feeling could not express more deeply. For Pinkie, however, words were required, and she was instantly upon me.
"OhmygoodnessMaud, you came, you're here, I mean you said you would but we didn't know for four days and we thought maybe you wouldn't come back because of everything but then we got your letter and I wasn't sure if you really meant it but they reminded me that you wouldn't lie about that kind of thing and I felt even worse because I... I..."
I let her hold on to me, and she began sobbing. She looked how I felt.
"Pinkie," I said, "it's okay. We'll take care of things now, together."
She composed herself after a moment, and we were joined by her Ponyville friends who had been courteously standing to the side. I remember my startlement from not recognizing the colt behind the ticket booth.
To the outside observer, the homestead appeared as it always had. The shed and the adjoining silo stood, as did the homestead flanked by the unflinching pair of pines. That would change soon enough, but it was a deeper lack that evinced any change—a hollowness I had never felt in the land before.
All the same, I announced myself well before entering the door.
What greeted me immediately was the stark lack of change. I had become so inured to the rushing pace of the greater world—what one could consider a normal life—that it was startling, for all that it was familiar. I paced thought the hall, reviewing the bookshelf, our old rooms, the painting and the fireplace and mantle that had never found use. Behind me stood Blinkie like a statue. Inkie wound herself about, in her perpetual dance to the unheard music of magma far below. Her movements recalled my infantile jest that she wanted to be a Pegasus and leave the Earth behind—a jest to which Mother's punishment ensued such blasphemy never passed my mind again.
Pinkie waited outside.
I delayed entering Mother's bedroom for as long as possible. The crunch of the soil beneath my hooves and the occasional words with Pinkie's friends would serve only so long.
We busied ourselves for a time outside around the pines. Applejack was enlisted, a long-lost cousin, to fell them. Her aid simplified the task immensely, as she could ask the trees to yield their great selves—no need to move the whole of the Earth that embraced their penetrating roots.
Lady Rarity Belle expressed confusion that we did not sever them at the ground and leave the roots to waste.
The princess Twilight offered to fashion the boards, and I agreed even without Pinkie's encouragement—the idea of a Unicorn manufacturing Mother's casket gave me perverse delight. Father would not have minded, on his own.
At last, there was nothing to do but move them. Being the eldest, the duty fell to me, and I would not shirk it. I asked the others to wait separately, and they did.
In the bedroom they lay, side by side. I was startled by how withered they had become. Growing up, even to my departure, they appeared to age as a landscape—it had been easy to forget them as living things. Before me then, I was confronted with the fact of the matter, more difficult even than the reality. My parents had grown old.
There was no reason in my doing it beyond that it felt right: before I moved them, I touched each in turn, and I said, "Father, I'm still doing my best. Mother... You're not made of stone, after all."
I do not care to think of the burial, but it was very much a simple business.
When I finally left, I looked back, the vacancy inside now visible by two pine saplings freshly planted aside the house.

7347446

As I understand the term "comma splice", it does refer to usage of too many commas in one sentence, something that breaks the reading flow and lets you miss the greater composition of the sentence because of too much fragmentation.

Indeed, what this more accurately describes is hypotaxis, a well-recognized and legitimate technique of subordinating clauses, sometimes with (intentionally!) byzantine results.
One could, for instance, create a sentence, such as this, say, where clause after clause are chained sequentially, or, like a snake, chasing after a mouse, or other vermin, down a hole, descending through layers of same, or, perhaps, instead, imagined as circles drawn within circles within circles, netsed one inside another. All perfectly valid!

7316933

I love the implication that Luna can also enter the dreams of humans on Earth, despite that Earth is so far away from Equestria even if it should exist in the same universe (or would, as your flashfic has them in separate universes). I really wish Luna would visit my dreams..... Usually, it's only Celestia who speaks to me while falling asleep or after waking up, but this hasn't proven helpful so far. Also, I greatly prefer Luna over her.
I love the joke of a human coming to Equestria and dying because the air is composed of completely different things there. That Equus is a different planet, a different world, and can therefore easily have completely different laws of physics, and such, than Earth has is something I never see really acknowledged in the fandom or in ponyfics. I think your flashfic is already my favourite one of September.
The only mistake I spotted is "The world of humans of Earth [...]". The former already implies Earth, so mentioning "Earth" was not necessary. Alternatively, you could have written "The world of humans, Earth, [...]" or "The world of humans on Earth". The latter being a more figurative way to express where humans come from, as it refers to the culture humans created on their planet rather than to the planet itself, how they shaped their (home)world, which would be a nice touch that draws you in a bit more.
But other than that, I completely love it. As I said, favourite flashfic of September.

7317089

Very tragic. I love the sentence "It smelled like mold and death". It instantly gives you shudders and makes you feel how serious the situation is. A perfectly compact and effective sentence, so short, but gets across such a strong feeling with only six words. I also love this part:

"But what was left to love? There was nothing there."

I think this could be a nice story of personal growth for Tree Hugger, if you expanded it. First she is desperate and hopeless, thinking that saving the island isn't worth it because all you can love is gone from it. But then later, something happens, and she learns that she just has to create new things one can love on the island, to bring new love there, and that this would still mean that love fixes the problem.
I can see Tree Hugger grow like that and this would be a very nice idea for a long story, even one with multiple chapters. You should expand this story one day, it has huge potential.

7317134

My interpretation of this is not very original or unique. It feels like the protagonist is in the process of dying, their memory failing while their body succumbs to death. Artistic depictions of death are common, so my mind is not taking a creative approach there with your flashfic. But it reminds me on the game "Everyone Has Gone To The Rapture" now, specifically, the part with the light that he/she sees and that drifts away then. A very good game that I would like to see ponified one day.
There is not much I can say about your flashfic, but it is very atmospheric and I loved reading it. Atmospheric stories are always the best and you succeeded in writing a very atmospheric story with very few words.

7317177

Despite what I said about spaced out paragraps, the way you did it here actually works. Everything is a one-liner, so the mind can get used to this pattern and doesn't feel distracted, like it would be the case with a spaced out line after a long and immersive paragraph.
This story was funny and the only thing I have to criticize a little is that Bon Bon is OOC. As agent of S.M.I.L.E., she would most definitely know if somepony follows her and she also knows about the threats for Equestria because of that and understands that such things like a changeling invasion could definitely happen. Even if she were not to believe Lyra about something or would doubt it, Bon Bon would at least be inclined to check if what Lyra says could be true, just in case it is. As an agent, she is careful and would make sure.
Since "Slice of Life", a story like this where Lyra smells a conspiracy or threat and Bon Bon does not believe her and shrugs that off as fantasies of her weird marefriend, doesn't really work anymore. Which isn't necessarily bad, there are now tons of stories that can be written about Bon Bon's job for the agency and Lyra getting involved in dangerous events. Or about them busting a conspiracy together. Which is just as good and interesting.
But neither do I not enjoy such stories anymore because of that. Letting aside that I haven't actually read any such stories about Lyra and Bon Bon yet, for shameful reasons I will not talk about, I still understand that nostalgia for past times makes one cling to such ideas, as opposed to someone who came into the fandom after "Slice of Life" and binge-watched the entire show up to that point. For someone who remembers what was before, this can be and still is as entertaining as it ever was. And with enough work being put into it, this can still work as an appealling alternate universe story, with enough buildup and characterization of a Bon Bon who is not and never was in the agency.
I had to laugh, it is a good story.

7317353

I know this cold feeling, when you messed something up badly and the one you hurt with that doesn't let you make up for it, nor apologize, and just gives you the cold shoulder. Which isn't a fair treatment, because it means you get trapped in your feelings of guilt and forced to live with them for a long time or even forever. Hardly anything can be more horrible than forcing someone who tries to make up for a mistake to stay in a state of constant guilt. If someone does that, they're doing something that's far worse than the mistake that hurt them.
You conveyed these feelings greatly, to the point that I felt reminded on similar moments when this happened to me. You invoked these feelings masterfully.
I found one error here:

"it's pages."

This should be "its". If you refer to a part of an item like that, you don't put an apostrophe. Because with one, it would mean "it is", so an apostrophe is not supposed to be here when you do that.

7318784

Worrying about the lack of party atmosphere when the party hasn't even started yet, that's so typically Pinkie Pie. You could say it's OOC for her, since Pinkie knows how to throw parties and they are usually a success. But Pinkie's behavior does not always make sense and she also tends to have random anxieties, so this definitely fits her.
You still need to work much harder on your grammar, though. You have submitted a couple flashfics, but you don't seem to improve there, so whatever method you are using to reach that goal, it is probably best to try out something else that brings the desired success.

7319106

This is an eerie story, that makes me feel there are a lot of horrific things lurking under the surface of what Cadance perceives as just "that fog". There is an extreme amount of backstory here that needs explaining; what is that fog, why does it make those who enter it become forgotten, why does it erase memories of those who enter it, how can it do that, does it let the ones that entered it out again or are they forever lost and what is behind that fog?
This would be a perfect pony horror story for Nightmare Night. I hope to see it expanded one day.

7322638

I was unsure here at first, whether Luna makes a "bad" joke and Celestia wanted to stop her from doing that or Luna teases Celestia for sending her to the moon as a comeuppance for that. But I noticed that Luna sounds younger here and she also refers to herself as "We", so this has happened before Luna became Nightmare Moon, meaning that the interpretation with the "bad" joke is correct.
I doubt that Equestria already had nightclubs more than a thousand years ago but, other than that, it's a great idea.^^ My only other criticism is that it is not really indicated why Celestia sees the bad joke coming for the reader, she obviously knows her sister but Luna's grin alone looks like she is only grinning because she is enthusiastic about the nightclub and so it's not apparent for the reader how exactly Celestia saw that joke coming, but I attribute this to the word limit a flashfic forces on one so that's not really an issue.
A simple and funny idea. I also wouldn't mind seeing this expanded.^^

7324318

A very chilling end. I love the seriousness of the scenario, how it makes you feel that Rainbow Dash was on the verge of death there. It also fits to Rainbow Dash to sarcastically call the ship like that, after she nearly died in there. I can very easily picture her yelling at Twilight for that after she returned onto the planet's surface.

7328528

I just spent a long time thinking about your flashfic. First about the line "'It’s my turn today! I waited years.'". The implications here are that she has at least one other sibling (before a later line gives away that she has several siblings) and that only one at a time can go out to play once every few years. The flashfic does not explain why and not give you any hints or explanations what that means before you get to that part. I just throws you into it, without preparation and without warning. And I can tell that's something a lot of readers would groan about, saying that the story is too convoluted and complicated, but I love this style.
Throwing you into the story like this, it creates its own, special kind of immersion. You don't know what is happening and that feels confusing, but this is also what draws you into the story. While other stories draw you in more carefully, by taking time to explain something to you slowly, this story draws you in by abruptly putting you into a situation. It's like you just spawned inside the room and then witness this scene in front of you.
You get confused, but also immediately curious, and your brain starts thinking about what that could mean. It is engaging, because you instantly try to figure out the meaning in order to clear up your confusion and to satisfy your curiosity.
The style here reminds me on your story "Wish for the Ages", this story was written in a similar intriguing and mysterious way. Stories that immerse you in such a way are rare and I love it and I am glad that you are still writing in this style.

I cannot yet figure out what is going on in this scenario. What I can tell is that it's an alternate universe, since Radiant Hope disappeared together with the empire when King Sombra's curse struck it. The crystal ponies can't leave their houses for some reason and the missing Crystal Heart is implied to having something to do with that. But it cannot be the cold outside of the houses, even though the Crystal Heart protects the empire from that cold, because the Crystal Empire has not yet reappeared in the arctic north.
The mention of the Crystal Heart makes it sound like the cold has something to do with it, but the story also implies that it cannot be the cold. So, an alternate universe story that theorizes that the Crystal Empire got sent by King Sombra into another dimension or sphere of existence in which there are hostile and potentially deadly conditions, from which the crystal ponies are only safe inside their houses?
This would still not explain why the crystal ponies believe that the Crystal Heart could save them, since they don't understand the threat of this dimension/sphere. And Obsidian's dad is quite confident that his daughter will be back in an hour safe and sound and there is the implication that Radiant Hope saved many foals who left their houses like she did, which suggests that the threat isn't as serious as one thinks and almost makes this look like a contradiction.
But this is the conclusion I am drawing from this, or, the vibe I am getting from it.

The part "He arose and opened the door to the gloom. Except for the small patch of sunlight and air, with the few children it could accommodate." gives me problems, though. He opens the door to the gloom, meaning it's dark outside, Then a small patch of sunlight and air is mentioned, but where is this patch? "Sunlight" means it has to be outside, yet the previous sentence establishes that it's dark outside. But the sunlight cannot be inside the house, either, even though the second part of the sentence is suggesting that. Unless sunlight shines into the house, but there is no sun in the sky right now or it is covered up by something (if this dimension or sphere does have a sun) because it's gloomy outside. So, where does the sunlight come from?
Air is also mentioned, which further suggests that the sunlight is outside and shining into the house, like through a crack of the partially opened door, coming inside the house together with the air. But, as I said, it's gloomy outside. So, no sunlight. Air is also supposed to be in the house, for purposes of breathing, but there is regardless an emphasis on it that air comes into the house from outside. And the second part of the sentence is saying that the "small patch of sunlight and air" accomodates a few children foals. Which again implies that the patch of sunlight and air is inside the house, more precisely, the inside of the house. But then it makes you wondering why the "patch of sunlight and air" is described as an exception for the gloom outside the house then.
This is a sentence I don't understand, no matter from which angle I look at it. But other than this, I love the story and its style. I hope I will be able to read a story by you again soon.

7331739

A water fountain that can get you that high up into the sky..... I don't have any clues about the flight physics that are involved here, but this is fascinating.

7333252

Rainbow Dash saving Lightning Dust's life during a thunderstorm..... Intriguing, I am wondering how it came to that, considering they are mortal enemies. Especially after what Lightning Dust did with Scootaloo. Is this supposed to have happened during a part of the training at Wonderbolts Academy that we didn't get to see?

7334751

A depressing read..... Maybe it's my own mood right now, that is somewhere between deep depression and hope for the future as well as the next day, but this story is depressing me now after reading it. I am glad that the ponies of Equestria make and control their weather by themselves and that pegasi can always bring rain where it is needed, so that a scenario like this is not possible in Equestria. That's all I can say about your entry.

7336187

The title implies that Pharynx is trying to be more like his brother, a charismatic leader, rather than a gruff, slightly aggressive one. But if the title were to be ignored, this could also be a story about Pharynx having murdered Thorax and is taking over the hive by pretending to be him. Which is the way I interpreted it when I read it the first time and it still feels like this a lot to me. A less dark interpretation could be that Thorax died while fighting a beast that attacked the hive, without the rest of the hive knowing about it, and that Pharynx has decided to become his brother because the hive could not cope with losing Thorax. Or maybe even because they would not accept Pharynx as their new leader.
This story can go into a lot of directions and I would like to see it expanded.

This was a lot of feedback. I am sweating now. But worth it.

7348459 Thank you for your comment on my story (7316933). That's exactly what I tried to bring across. I'm glad to hear at least one reader got it.

I thought I was going to win with this story for sure. It was my best short-fic thus far. I already had the theme of the next contest in mind, lol.

I guess my best still wasn't good enough. More is needed. But at least I got your comment. That made it worth the effort.

7347447

I was unclear -- only the first passage '...when it rained, she was a...' has the comma-splice, as the comma there joins two fully-formed independent clauses.

I fully understand that both parts of the sentence can work as their own, individual sentences. However, this is not what I am aiming for with this sentence and so I don't agree with it.
I am also not sure what significant change it would bring to my sentence to put a dot on the comma, and whether it really matters for the sake of fragmenting a sentence this short if there is a dot on the comma or not, but I'll experiment with a semicolon in the sentence to see how that works out.
.

This does not match the definition generally accepted by the rest of the world.

A lot of my definitions don't match what the rest of the world generally accepts. I often make my own definitions of things in many cases.
.

One could, for instance, create a sentence, such as this, say, where clause after clause are chained sequentially, or, like a snake, chasing after a mouse, or other vermin, down a hole, descending through layers of same, or, perhaps, instead, imagined as circles drawn within circles within circles, netsed one inside another. All perfectly valid!

I can see very well why that sentence works despite many commas, it's consistent with repeating them so quickly.
.

a feature somewhat lacking on fimfiction.

How so? Indentations work just fine here.

Before giving an author such a lengthy explanation of what indentation is and why it's important, it would probably be helpful to check this author's stories first and see if they aren't already using indentation and, therefore, do not need the explanation.

7348459

"it's pages."

This should be "its". If you refer to a part of an item like that, you don't put an apostrophe. Because with one, it would mean "it is", so an apostrophe is not supposed to be here when you do that.

7348473

So, it was Luna's grin who gave Celestia the indication that she is about to release a pun? Also, I forgot something to say in my feedback:
.

"[...] the sum of its parts.”

I was thinking it would have been funny if she would have said "[...] the sun of its parts.". That would be another excellent and very funny pun and it also would have been a very subtle and elegant indicator for what triggered Celestia's pun sense for the reader to discover.^^

7348483

That's exactly what I tried to bring across. I'm glad to hear at least one reader got it.

And I am glad that at least one author did that. That should be more of a thing, much more. I feel inspired to write a HiE story, where the human has to constantly wear a gas mask that filters the air for him, now.
.

I thought I was going to win with this story for sure.

I was also thinking mine would win this month, or, at least hoped for it very much. I can't tell if it is my best flashfic and how it compares with my other flashfics at the moment, but there is something about it that made me feel like it could win. Maybe next time.
.

I guess my best still wasn't good enough.

I know that feeling. Maybe you have to become worse first, before you can become better. That sounds very philosophical, though, I am not sure if it works for creative writing. You just need to work even harder.

7348487

I can see very well why that sentence works despite many commas, it's consistent with repeating them so quickly.

I cannot be sure from your wording, but it is possible that you are missing the point: that hypotaxis can be utilized regardless of clause length and that commas need not be the sole separator, as I am demonstrating here (surprise!), and that the earlier example was, through sloth, imperfect in that regard.

Before giving an author such a lengthy explanation of what indentation is and why it's important, it would probably be helpful to check this author's stories first and see if they aren't already using indentation and, therefore, do not need the explanation.

First, I was not critiquing your other works, I was critiquing this (and last month's) entries, where having to work to pick out paragraph separation detracted from my experience. Second, on a single sample (first in your listing), I saw not indents, but rather separation by newline serving that role. Presumably nonbreaking whitespace could produce true indents, but I can't recall seeing examples on the site.

While I'm already here... 7348459

(T)he only thing I have to criticize a little is that Bon Bon is OOC. As agent of S.M.I.L.E., she would most definitely know if somepony follows her and she also knows about the threats for Equestria because of that and understands that such things like a changeling invasion could definitely happen. Even if she were not to believe Lyra about something or would doubt it, Bon Bon would at least be inclined to check if what Lyra says could be true, just in case it is. As an agent, she is careful and would make sure.

this is set in season two your argument is invalid
I have not watched the last two seasons, and my memory of many episodes are a bit shaky anyway. I am not surprised if they received attributes with which I am unfamiliar. That aside, I can counter-argue a few of your criticisms:
* Situational awareness -- even if Bon Bon is aware of everypony about her, she is under no obligation to relay this to Lyra; especially if Lyra not knowing could be useful, or optimal for their friendship/intel-gathering.
* Following up (i.e,, perceived dismissal of the argumeot) -- I had hoped to convey that this was a fairly common scenario for the two, so 'humans' may be all she needed to report back. I was deliberately inspecific about Bon Bon's true feelings, leaving the reader with her actions that Lyra would see. Her being an agent -- a fact I had forgotten -- I propose is not mutually-exclusive with the story as written, and indeed adds another exciting way to interpret these events.
Protip: my little pones very often lie to one another for a myriad of reasons!

7341290
Ah, ellipses, the bane of many. Yes, style guides disagree on many things. Whether to put a space after one, whether to put spaces between the periods, whether four dots are okay. There is (mostly) a consensus on a couple of those.

Should you put a space after one? Most published works do, unless the ellipsis is on the beginning of a word, but you don't have to. As long as you pick one style and keep it consistent, it doesn't matter.

Should you put spaces between the dots? There's more of an even split in published works here, and again, as long as you're consistent, either way is fine. But there are some extenuating circumstances that may make it preferable to go without spaces. One, many word processing software packages will automatically convert three consecutive dots without spaces between them into a single-character ellipsis. I haven't seen one that'll do that for a spaced-out ellipsis, nor have I seen a single-character version of that. The reason that might be important is that on sites like FiMFiction, you can't control the typesetting, except by brute force means like changing which words you use or changing fonts to affect where line breaks end up. When the dots are separate characters, you're giving FiMFiction two opportunities to put a line break in the middle of the ellipsis. It can and it will, if by chance it ends up right where a line break needs to be. A spaced-out ellipsis gives it six opportunities. A single-character ellipsis can't be broken, and if it's right against the preceding word (and possibly the following word—I haven't tested that one), FiMFiction won't put a line break between them. If you're working with a real publisher, then spaced format is fine, because then they can control where line breaks go.

Are four dots or more okay? By the rules, four dots can be, and more are not. Four dots is normally for nonfiction citations, where you want to cite a source, you want to show you're only copying out part of the sentence, and the current bit you're skipping over goes all the way to the end of the source sentence. In fiction, that would only turn up if that's literally what's going on (the story is footnoting an actual reference, or you're displaying part of a character's research paper where this happens, for example). Though you will see some authors use a four-dot ellipsis to mean that rather than the ellipsis only meaning a pause, it's also ending the sentence and beginning a new one afterward. Uncommon but not unheard of. More than four dots is problematic, because it comes from very informal use (particularly from video games), and there's no consensus on what it means. Yes, more dots is a longer pause, but how long? Does each dot mean half a second? A full second? There's no basis for comparing them, and honestly, authors are never consistent enough about it. If they use a six-dot ellipsis in chapter 1, an eight-dotter in chapter 2, and a seven-dotter in chapter 3, they're never cognizant enough about it to actually intend that pause to be halfway between the lengths of the other two, and the reader has no hope of knowing how long is intended. Mostly, they're holding down the period key an arbitrary amount of time, and even if a specific length of time is desired, it's far clearer to just narrate it that way.

7347430
These were the editing issues I saw:

Tornado Bolt loved when it rained, she was a pegasus born for the storm and the rain.

Comma splice, but KwirkyJ already pointed that out. A comma splice is when you have independent clauses on both sides of a comma. (Which isn't a foolproof statement either, but it catches 95% of cases. It's possible to have that situation and be okay, like if you had "independent clause; dependent clause, independent clause.")

lighting made it day again for a moment

the next lighting heralded its impulsive partner

I assume you meant lightning. If not, then it's an odd word choice, making it sound more like there are light fixtures providing the illumination.

I agree with KwirkyJ on the paragraph spacing as well. You'll normally see paragraphs either indented or separated by a blank line. When you do neither, it lacks any sort of visual separation, which can cause a number of problems, like paragraphs not seeming like separate thoughts, it being harder to find your place if you look away from the story, etc.

Last item is a subtle one. Look at how often your narrator speaks with Tornado Bolt's voice. Just a few examples:

No dancing in the rain this time.

An explosion in backwards order.

In a flashfic, sometimes you can get away with using sentence fragments just because you desperately need the word count, but they do tend to create the feel of a limited narrator. So when the narration calls her "the grey filly," the implication is that she's the one choosing to refer to herself like that, which is kind of Trixie-like, using the third person for herself. Most people don't do this.

And I still think "anguish" is an odd word choice. Just because it can be a synonym for fear doesn't mean it's suitable for this specific use. It tends to mean that it causes lasting emotional turmoil, even after the storm is over. People do get spooked by sudden thunder, and they can get unnerved anticipating the next crash, but they don't sit there feeling tortured the whole time. Maybe a small number of people with a phobia would, but the phrasing implies the majority of ponies feel this way, and if that's the case, it's pretty cruel of the weather ponies to do that.

As to reading your story... I rarely read stories just because I want to. I don't have the time. I do take private review requests, so if that's what you want, I can fit you in somewhere, but then I'd only do it if your intent was to actually put some more work into revising it. I don't want to spend a few hours writing up notes on a story only for the author not to use them.

7348459
The idea is that while the Crystal Empire is disappeared, it's in a black void. It's dark outside without much air, but ponies can get from building to building without much trouble, as long as it's not too far. Radiant Hope uses her magic to create little pockets of sunlight and clear air so children can experience what it's like to play outside, but she can only accommodate a few at a time, and the exertion is aging her. The Crystal Heart was hidden by Sombra, or else it could create the same effects all across the city.

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7348459
What I meant for it to be was a memory being frozen away, but it’s up for any number of interpretations, so anything could fit for it.

7348459
Water fountain?
I think I wrote thermal, an up rising of spiralling warm air that birds and gliders use to gain altitude.

7348459

Is this supposed to have happened during a part of the training at Wonderbolts Academy that we didn't get to see?

In canon, yes, it could have! It certainly doesn't take the event of the Lightning Dust & Scootaloo episode into account. A long time ago I came up with an AU Wonderbolt training story, and part of that was Lightning and Rainbow remaining partners. Though the story never gotten off the ground as a full piece, this visual was always in it (it was always more idea than story tbh). Because of that the piece is set in that larger AU in my mind, but your canon suggestion works as well. Turning it into a flashfic is actually a way of putting the whole AU idea to bed because I doubt I'll write it at this point.

7348513

I have not watched the last two seasons

The reveal that Bon Bon is a secret agent happened in Season 5. Episode 100.
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* Situational awareness -- even if Bon Bon is aware of everypony about her, she is under no obligation to relay this to Lyra; especially if Lyra not knowing could be useful, or optimal for their friendship/intel-gathering.

Lyra knows that Bon Bon is a secret agent. And she became an agent for the agency not too long after herself.
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* Following up (i.e,, perceived dismissal of the argumeot) -- I had hoped to convey that this was a fairly common scenario for the two, so 'humans' may be all she needed to report back. I was deliberately inspecific about Bon Bon's true feelings, leaving the reader with her actions that Lyra would see. Her being an agent -- a fact I had forgotten -- I propose is not mutually-exclusive with the story as written, and indeed adds another exciting way to interpret these events.

Bon Bon's dismissal of Lyra's concerns is very clear, there is not really room for different interpretation. It can be heard in her voice that she doesn't take Lyra serious. Maybe after the word "Humans" was dropped, it could be argued that Bon Bon left in a rush to inform the agency about it. But everything before that is definitely her completely dismissing the concerns Lyra has and not even slightly humoring the thought of an actual threat.

7348593

I assume you meant lightning.

Typo. I have checked and proofread my flashfic several times, I have no idea how this could slip through the cracks.
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When you do neither, it lacks any sort of visual separation, which can cause a number of problems, like paragraphs not seeming like separate thoughts, it being harder to find your place if you look away from the story, etc.

The latter should not be a much of a problem, if any problem at all, as flashfics are easily readable in one go and without looking away because of their length. Which is why I deliberately don't use indents for flashfics, it's simply not necessary here. For the separate thoughts, the end of a paragraph will already be indicated by the blank space to the right of the last sentence in it in most cases, so it can be noticed without an indent. A flashfic can afford being written without indents.
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So when the narration calls her "the grey filly," the implication is that she's the one choosing to refer to herself like that, which is kind of Trixie-like, using the third person for herself. Most people don't do this.

I read it again and I cannot see it. Not saying that your advice doesn't have a point, but it just doesn't sound like that to me. When I have narration in a story, I do see it like this that the narrator is an actual person who narrates something to the reader. Not a character in the story, but someone who does comment on what is happening and explain it. With that in mind, no, Tornado Bolt does not refer to herself as "the grey filly", the narrator does refer to her like this.
I suppose I could read it a couple more times with your advice in mind, but I don't think it will start sounding to me like that. This is the first time I see the narrator's words interpreted in such a way.
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It tends to mean that it causes lasting emotional turmoil, even after the storm is over. People do get spooked by sudden thunder, and they can get unnerved anticipating the next crash, but they don't sit there feeling tortured the whole time. Maybe a small number of people with a phobia would, but the phrasing implies the majority of ponies feel this way, and if that's the case, it's pretty cruel of the weather ponies to do that.

I see the phrase more as being deliberately unclear about how many ponies are afraid of thunderstorms. "in the hearts of ponies" sounds like it is rather widespread among ponies to fear thunderstorms, yes, but at the same time it doesn't specify a number, not even a rough estimation how many ponies suffer from this. It stands to reason that there is also a significant number of ponies who aren't scared of thunderstorms at all, as well as that weather pegasi are obviously exempt from such a fear, and the phrasing I chose leaves enough room to imagine all of this.
I chose this phrasing mostly to create a contrast between Tornado Bolt and other ponies: Many other ponies are scared of thunderstorms, but Tornado Bolt isn't and that is why she sticks out in that regards.
For the word "anguish", I would argue that such a constant state of "torture" is rather likely and nothing unusual, considering how a thunderstorm can get very dangerous, for example when lightning strucks a house (and Ponyville, where Tornado Bolt lives, probably has no lightning conductors) or if a pony has to be out in the fields during one. It might not be very intense, such as very strong mental torture, but if "anguish" is defined by a longer lasting state of nervousness and fear (during a thunderstorm, not after), the word still qualifies to describe the condition.
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I do take private review requests, so if that's what you want, I can fit you in somewhere, but then I'd only do it if your intent was to actually put some more work into revising it. I don't want to spend a few hours writing up notes on a story only for the author not to use them.

The story is a gift for my friend, so I cannot go and change it anymore based on feedback I get for it, unless I copy it all into a separate document and apply the advice given there. The reason why I asked you is that I hope you can help me discover problems with the story that potentially make readers stop reading it, so that I can keep your advice in mind for future stories that are similar to this one. It is severely underperforming, but since no one comments on the story, I cannot pinpoint why exactly.
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Radiant Hope uses her magic to create little pockets of sunlight and clear air so children can experience what it's like to play outside, but she can only accommodate a few at a time, and the exertion is aging her.

Now it all becomes clear, thanks. I would have figured it out myself eventually, but right now, I don't have enough time to do more in-depth thinking on this story.

7348665

This idea is much better than my interpretation.

7348716

I see. I guess when I read "thermal", my mind wandered to a thermal spring and from there, imagined this as a giant, hot geysir Luna hopped onto to get carried into the air by it.

7348777

It sounds very promising! I don't know what problems led to this story not being written, but I hope you will still tackle it at some point. It's never too late.

7349250

A flashfic can afford being written without indents.

If you have to look at the end of a line to tell where the paragraphs are, you're doing it wrong. What of paragraphs that fill up their last line and have no trailing space? Bottom line, two people have said they found it visually unappealing, and nobody said they liked the story more because of it. If you're really willing to fall on that sword, go ahead, but even you haven't said what benefit it brings to outweigh the cost. Not being necessary isn't really a good justification for that. For example, it may not be necessary to spell correctly in order for the reader to figure out what you meant, but you'd have to have a very good reason for not caring to get that right.

I was going to make a point by point reply, but that bit about the benefits really sums up everything. Except for the simple typos, you've argued that every critique of your story is something you want that way, and while doing something different is fine, the point is to do it because it makes the story better. That's the part I'm not seeing.

7348459

A depressing read..... Maybe it's my own mood right now, that is somewhere between deep depression and hope for the future as well as the next day, but this story is depressing me now after reading it. I am glad that the ponies of Equestria make and control their weather by themselves and that pegasi can always bring rain where it is needed, so that a scenario like this is not possible in Equestria. That's all I can say about your entry.

Sorry you were feeling down. Though the premise of my adaptation is that there was a mismanagement in the weather system, similar to how everyone has gotten on the electric company for starting wildfires across California the past few years. The kicker is that this year, actual lightning started a bunch of them. I really was evacuated, but my house was spared. I know people who have lost everything.

7349331

Except for the simple typos, you've argued that every critique of your story is something you want that way

That's not exactly what I said and I did explain my reasoning behind my choices rather well to you in response to your feedback, but fair enough, I suppose. We all have our swords to fall on.

I am a very independent author and sometimes do things in my own way if I think that it makes more sense or that it is the better approach to something, which is a reason why I don't get an editor for my stories and why I'm generally not fond of the idea of editors altering someone else's story.
When I asked you about the "editing issues" you mentioned, I expected you would give me purely objective advice and point out typos, grammar errors and issues with the construction of sentences (the latter being something I indeed struggle with lately) and such, not advice that comes down to subjective aspects of writing, such as a reader interpreting ambigious phrasing like "in the hearts of ponies" as an implication that all ponies are mortally terrified of thunderstorms, but I guess I was reading you wrong there. Nevermind.

7349251
Fluttercheer, thanks for the reminder that it's not too late. It does encourage me, and remind me that one should never say never! (Sorry for the very late response, I must have missed your response in my notifications.)

7362706

That's fine, it can happen. I am glad to hear this and I hope you will start writing it soon. I also have an alternate universe idea in the pipeline that I would like to properly get on the rails one day:

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/392608/the-nightmares-trigonal-demise

Working title is "The Crusaderverse", which will probably remain and become the final title since it simply defines perfectly what the universe is about.
I will work more on this one day and so I hope you will work on your universe.