Just a thread for group reviewers to post their feedback into once they are done. This is to garner some extra attention for the stories you review and also so that we can keep track of all the stories that have been looked at. If you have posted a review on a story in the submissions folder, copy and paste it into here. If you have written it here, send a PM to the author to let them know you have given them some feedback so they can check it out! After all, what good are reviewers if the authors don't see our hard work?

Also, if you are going to be reviewing a story, this is where you let the other reviewers know so we don't all end up giving feedback for the same story. A short post similar as below should suffice:

Reviewing <story name>

Link to the story in the title if it is SFW, all NSFW stories need to be linked indirectly, meaning link to the authors story list or something. It is a site rule that you cannot link directly to NSFW stories. So just don't do it. That would be nice.

And the final point: if you feel a review has made an error or missed a detail, this is where you politely explain your point. We are here to help you, so all our reviews are written with that in mind, but if we haven't done the story justice, or perhaps been too kind, briefly and intelligently outline why.

Alright, that's it from me! Please, PM me or any other admin if you have further questions. As this thread matures, we will slowly refine the points above until we have a finely honed machine of friendly advice, so don't be afraid to comment! Thanks for reading!

Reviewing Music for the Mare in the Moon. Fairly sure this one is getting a bit of attention at the moment, so now is a good a time as any to give it a glance.

Anyone got a gem for me to look at? Can't promise a fast response but will complete it in time.

4737210 There's a heap in the Submissions Folder if you want to take a gander at that. Also, there should be a thread soon for authors who want to let people know that they want a review. Just sorting out those details now, actually.

Music for the Mare in the Moon
by dragonjek and Miss Spectrum

Watch out! Batpony OCs everywhere!

Not really, this story managed to pull off having all the major cast being batpony OCs far, far better than any other story I have ever read. I didn't even care that Night Whisper is made up, she feels so much like she is real, with a glorious character arc that is rewarding and heartwarming. I'm off topic though. The story is about the Royal Dream Service, who give ponies dreams by weaving them and manipulating a realm known as the 'Reverie', which is a dream world where everything looks 120% cooler than reality. We follow Night Whisper, a loyal delivery pony who gets chosen to be the annual nocturne (read: Batpony), to deliver a dream to the pony trapped on the moon. It sounds hard, but it's even harder when you factor in the Nightmares.

Now, let's kick this off with talking about the Nightmares. There are three kinds, which is fine, until they get distinguished in three separate formats:
1. nightmare. A scary dream.
2. Nightmare. A scary monster.
3. Nightmare. Read the fic and find out!

Changing the typeset for a single word grates you through the sentence, and pushes you out of the story, but it only occurs a few times. Maybe changing the spelling of the word, or using a different word for that last type could prevent that. Or using full caps for emphasis. No, on second thought, no caps. That is a bad idea.

There is some very complicated prose in this story too, which is fine until minor grammar errors start popping up. Honestly though, these errors are so minor that it isn’t a problem at all. Quickly get a proofreader or even reread it yourself, the issues are an easy fix.

There was one that really got to me though.

Equestria was beautiful through the fog/haze that was the barrier between Reverie and the Wakeful World

I love the Reverie. I love the concept, the execution, everything. It is insignificant to the plot, but vital to the story as it instantly sets the scene, throws the reader into the tale, and is admirable worldbuilding. Kudos to you, dragonjek. But what is the barrier? Is it fog or haze? There’s no reason to put a forward slash inbetween, either pick one word to describe the barrier, or combine them in a better format, such as “foggy haze”. This is the second sentence in, so if readers are put off by this, chances are, they aren’t going to keep reading the otherwise masterfully crafted story.

Now my favourite part of the story: the story bit. The plot and character arcs, as I’ve said, were really nicely done for such a short fic. The conflict was valid and smooth, and left you with a fuzzy, happy feeling. Night Whisper is a real as it gets, and for what is an OC, she would fit in very nicely with the actual show.

Her boyfriend, though, is more of a pillow than a pony. We only see him sleeping, and otherwise he gets no character development. He is important for Night Whisper’s character, but at least give him a line so we can tell he isn’t a corpse. Or even worse, Flash Sentry.

And then there is Hemera. She gets a single line.

[Celestia,] daughter of Hemera, Goddess of the Day, had secrets of her own, though.

Who is she? Some interneting shows she is the Goddess of the Day, as the story says, and sister to Nyx, who plays a mysterious role in the story.

My issue with Hemera’s inclusion into the story is as follows: If Celestia and Luna are the children of Hemera, then why is one Goddess of a Day-related thing and one a Night-related thing? And seeing as she isn’t important at all to the story, why bother complicating things? Now I’m stuck thinking why Celestia and Luna even exist, because if Nyx and Hemera were already there, controlling day and night somehow, the purpose of Celestia and Luna is invalidated. Anyway, this is just my personal pet peeve with this story. It’s irrational, but I thought worth including nonetheless.

Hold on. Let me backtrack a bit. I said Night Whisper seems real, however there is one thing that ever so slightly detracts from that. Her cutie mark is a cornucopia (a horn for holding things in) filled with musical notes. Why? I left the story convinced that her true calling in life was to deliver dreams to ponies, as she loves doing it and appears to be her special talent. Why is her cutie mark unrelated to her abilities and irrelevant to the story? Even the context is a bit confusing:

[P]onies needed their dreams. The cornucopia full of music notes on each flank was a constant reminder of how much she could still do for others.

So she knows her talent is making music with an oddly shaped basket, but has never left the Royal Dream Service? If this is because of unwritten worldbuilding we don’t see, I’m fine with that. I’m just mystified why it is something so vague and unrelated.

That concludes my feedback Music for the Mare in the Moon. I personally thought it was a brilliant story, and while some changes should be made, it is already very good. Definitely one of the best stories I have read set during the pre-FiM timeline. Kudos to dragonjek and Miss Spectrum, and kudos to you for checking out his story and giving your own constructive feedback! Gee, this post dragged on a bit, didn’t it? I’ll try to keep future reviews shorter. Thanks for reading!

4741249 Wow, thank you! I truly appreciate such glowing praise.
I do have to insist that you credit Miss Spectrum as co-author, though (although I'm afraid that most of the mistakes here were of my making). And if it wouldn't be trouble, perhaps you could send her a message about this review of her story?
I agree with most of the points you brought up, but there's an actual reason for some of those "mistakes"... but if it looks bad from the outside, it still needs to be fixed.

But what is the barrier? Is it fog or haze? There’s no reason to put a forward slash inbetween, either pick one word to describe the barrier, or combine them in a better format, such as “foggy haze”. This is the second sentence in, so if readers are put off by this, chances are, they aren’t going to keep reading the otherwise masterfully crafted story.

What is the barrier? It's fog. Or maybe haze. Or it's a fuzzy screen, or a gauze wrap between the more-real and less-real.
If it wouldn't have dragged on awkwardly, I would have gone on with more slashes and more descriptors. But... you may have a point about it being off-putting as is.

Her boyfriend, though, is more of a pillow than a pony. We only see him sleeping, and otherwise he gets no character development. He is important for Night Whisper’s character, but at least give him a line so we can tell he isn’t a corpse. Or even worse, Flash Sentry.

I had characterization for him! I really did. But I... well... I forgot to include it. I don't really have an excuse for that. I'll have to talk with Miss Spectrum about altering the scene.

My issue with Hemera’s inclusion into the story is as follows: If Celestia and Luna are the children of Hemera, then why is one Goddess of a Day-related thing and one a Night-related thing? And seeing as she isn’t important at all to the story, why bother complicating things? Now I’m stuck thinking why Celestia and Luna even exist, because if Nyx and Hemera were already there, controlling day and night somehow, the purpose of Celestia and Luna is invalidated. Anyway, this is just my personal pet peeve with this story. It’s irrational, but I thought worth including nonetheless.

I pointed out Luna and Celestia as Goddesses of the Moon and Sun, respectively, and only as Princesses of Night and Day. While it may seem to be minor, it's a big difference--the Moon and Sun are objects, while Night and Day are periods of time. Conceptually speaking (which is the best way to speak when talking about divinity), they're very distinct ideas.
Also, let me give you a brief, condensed look at night-related Greek deities--Selene, Goddess of the Moon (Called Luna by the Romans, btw); Nyx, Goddess of the Night (married to Erebus, God of Darkness); Artemis, also Goddess of the Moon; Achelois, also also Goddess of the Moon.
Really, Luna & Nyx and Celestia & Hemera have relatively little redundancy in their spheres of influence compared to those mythologies Western bronies would be familiar with.
I wanted to emphasize Luna and Celestia's divine natures by bringing up mention of a larger family of gods. Pretty much every pantheon is formed from deities who are related to each other, and by briefly touching on their relations I could define Equestrian beliefs without having to actually write them down.

Her cutie mark is a cornucopia (a horn for holding things in) filled with musical notes.

That's one of those more abstract cutie marks (I'm rather fond of more symbolic cutie marks). At it's core, her gift is the pretty broad category of "giving to make others happy"--that's part of why she enjoys weaving dreams, too. But it was discovered and expressed through dreams. The cornucopia is a symbol not only of plenty, but of nourishing and providing. I briefly covered how songs sometimes show up in dreams, and there's a fair music theme throughout the story (which is a bit meta, but justified in-story!). Her gift is in giving happiness to others via dreams--which is why she likes to stop and just watch them dream, when she can. "Enjoying the fruits of her labor", if you will.

4741857 I do apologise for not crediting Miss Spectrum! And thanks for clearing a few of those points up, alot of these things never make it into the story, and I'm glad to know that there is a reason for their exclusion.

Reviewing Fleur De Armor. Mainly because it's nice and short, so if you can spare even a brief second, go have a read.

Fleur De Armor
by linkman443

This story is quite short, at only 1,028 words, barely scraping the minimum. Currently it only has a single chapter, but perhaps this review will kick start it back up again. As a first chapter, there isn’t really much to review in terms of the plot and character development, but there are things that can be improved.
The story involves a misfiring love spell cast by Cadence that causes Shining Armour to fall in love with Fleur De Lis, and that’s about it so far. Without spoiling anything not in the description, there isn’t much more to say about the plot. Which is a shame, because this sort of story could be done very well. There just needs to be more of it.

Grammar and spelling are a problem, because with only a small piece of text, any errors become more prominent. Running the story through Google Docs or Word would fix up most of the problems, but there are some tense changes that may not be picked up. The tale begins in present tense, then shifts to past, then to present again. In the first paragraph. Tense is tricky, and I can see what is happening here. The story can’t really be introduced as it currently is without tense changes. That usually means the introduction needs a do-over.

There is some very nice backstory for Sombra in this short fic, which is great to see, but again, it needs to go into more detail for it to be engaging. More words are needed.

Another place more words are needed are the motivation for casting the spell. If Cadence can already cast love spells (as we’ve seen in the show), why does she need to cast this particular one? Is it magical allure? A burning curiosity? Is she trying to expand her repertoire? The story doesn’t go into much detail on why she does it, and I think that is its biggest flaw. If I knew why she cast the spell, I might feel for her more when it turns out wrong. And I really want to feel bad for her, I do. I just can’t when she has no obvious motivation.

There’s one more thing.

-Meanwhile in Canterlot

No. Don’t do this. Please, all it does is throw readers out of a story and clogs up the page. Try instead letting the reader know they are in Canterlot purely through description alone. “The Royal Castle shone in the distance,” or some such sentence is all you need to say for the reader to instantly know where they are.

In summary, while this story does have some very large problems, the solution for most of them is more words. I know I said I would review this one because of it’s lack of words, but honestly, I shouldn’t have said that at all. A few more chapters, so we can see some more of the plot and give it a proper plot review and to add characterisation would be awesome. I hate reviewing grammar, so send some more plot this way and I’ll be your best friend.

Go ahead and say it.

Say what?

Its a bit rushed.

Well, linkman443, it is a bit rushed, but with some work and some time, this story could be even better than it already is.

That’s all from me about Fleur De Armor. Kudos to linkman443 for writing this, and kudos to you for checking it out and giving your own feedback! Also, if you’ve always wanted to draw a ship of Shining Armour and Fleur de Lis, cover art is wanted for this story. Thanks for reading!

Reviewing My Name Is Floyd Damn You. It is an adult story, but I've been assured still appropriate for eyeballs, so if you have one or more of those, give it a read!

It's been a while since I announced I was reading My Name Is Floyd Damn You, so apologies for that. Life got in the way. My reviews are going to be slow for a while, but they'll pick up next year sometime, don't fret.

My Name Is Floyd Damn You
by shagohad12

This is a Human in Equestria story. That I liked. Review over.

Honestly, it does a really interesting take on HiE stories, having the main character (Floyd Hendrix) forced into Pinkie Pie's body, instead of having his own, as is the common trope of HiE tales. And the reasoning behind why he is in Equestria is really well thought out and developed, it doesn't feel forced or rushed at any points, so kudos for that!

It's written in present tense first person, which isn't my preference, but I'm willing to look past it simply for the humour it brings. In terms of said humour, the only real comedy is the conversations inside Pinkie's head between herself and Floyd. Otherwise it's a Slice Of Life through and through, which confuses me, seeing as it's tagged as "Adventure". With comedy dry on the ground, and a couple of misleading tags (You don't need a sex tag for innuendo. A sex tag is for sex. A mature tag is for innuendo.), if you only read the first few chapters, you might be put off this story.

It isn't immediately obvious that Floyd isn't actually Pink Floyd, he just takes on that name for clarity, so I spent the first two chapters thinking he was some weird alternate reality version of the artist. And it isn't just Pink Floyd that gets referenced in the story. My Name is Floyd Damn You is extraordinarily externally referential. It's just filled with a mind-boggling number of references to things in the human world that it's actually off-putting. However, if you can sit through a couple of lines where you have no clue what is being referenced, you will probably really like this story.

It has some brilliant character building, with the exception of a few OOC moments, and really top-notch lines like this one:

My room’s normally a mess, with costume pieces, half-written scripts, and various other assorted things found in a film student’s room.

That single line delivers more exposition about Floyd's character than some entire stories do for their protagonists. I love it, possibly too much.

Overall, this story is an interesting take on Human in Equestira tales, and although it does have some serious shortcomings, it also has some really, really nice moments in it that warm the heart.

Those moments make the piece. Thanks for reading this review, and thanks for checking out the story, found here.

Celestia visits Nightmare Moon
by Bad Dragon

Well, I read this thinking it would be very similar to many other pre-Season 1 fics. It is not. To begin, I'll explain where my belief that this was just an innocent story came from. Here's the description:

It’s time for a routine check up on Nightmare Moon. Celestia removes all potential means of escape to make sure the captive stays put. Despite her busy schedule and the memory of her sister still fresh in her mind, the alicorn in mourning finds it in her heart to talk to the condemned pony on the moon.

Okay, so Celestia talks to Nightmare Moon. Yup, yup, fairly classic stuff here. Not cliché, but still familiar. This is followed by the standard artist and dramatic reading credits, then some quotes from satisfied readers, endorsing the story. Huh.

Now, I never use the voting system to classify good stories from bad. I've found most people will like something if they liked the idea, even if the story itself was terrible. I'll get back to that later though. Here are the quotes:

This story is great, I love how you depicted Celestia and Luna’s characters! The vague mystery strewn throughout the story is brilliant ~Plagueboy23
overall it is so well written and beautifully made. That it confuses me why it receives so many downvotes. ~Starlight Uplifting

First of all, it baffles me why this is even necessary. If a story is good, it speaks for itself. You don't need to convince readers to read your story, just grab them with the story description. If they want praise or hate, they'll scroll down to the comments. Secondly, bad grammar in an endorsement doesn't reflect well on the story. The story itself has flawless grammar, so the comment doesn't mesh.

Now onto the story itself. It starts out in an absolutely beautiful analogy for the relationship between Luna and Celestia, acted out by Luna, who is not Nightmare Moon, on the moon. Just brilliant, it grabs the reader and gives them this impression of some mystical fantasy world in the imagination of a pony trapped in space. The imagery is excellent.

Then Celestia shows up. From there, the rest of the fic basically amounts to Celestia beating up Luna in retaliation for her crimes as Nightmare Moon. And it deserves its gore tag.

The violence is justified, I mean, Luna did some pretty nasty stuff, and Celestia feels utterly betrayed. So why does this fic have such a bad like:dislike ratio?

For those interested, the ratio, as it stands currently is 16:10 (15 if you discount reviewer bias )

But why? Well, the reasons are fairly obvious when reading for me. The foremost reason is that the description and first half of the story give absolutely no indication of the brutality that follows. Only by reading the tags is one to know the horrors that lie within, and even then it takes you by surprise. It's sudden, out of the blue and hits you in the face like a dry fish.

Secondly, Celestia seems really, really psychotic. As in, needing-to-take-pills-to-stop-the-voices psychotic. She is wantonly violent and cruel, refuses to listen to Luna's pleas, and ends nearly every sentence with some extremely derogatory term. The violence, as I said, is justified, but there is no history. We see nothing of her descent into hatred, it is just there and in your face. Anything to show us, not tell us, why Celestia is mad would be good. The refusal to listen makes less sense. Celestia is, if nothing else, merciful. So why does she stubbornly reject the idea that she is hurting her sister? She thinks she is punishing an impostor, but doesn't for a second consider that Luna is in there somewhere?

And then ending each sentence with an insulting noun is plain old weird. Who does that? It gave me the impression that Luna was punishing herself by imagining her sister cruelly hurting her, and Celestia was a figment of her imagination, like the beginning of the story.

Overall, the story is Celestia being an OOC character and beating up Luna, one of the fandoms most beloved ponies. The suddenness and unexplained nature of the hatred is probably where all the downvotes are coming from. However, if you are into violence, or just into well-written stories, this is one for you. Brilliantly told, although I would have appreciated more world-building and character development, and of course, flawless grammar and spelling as far as I can see. It is a good story, and with a little extra work, possibly extra chapters showing the reasons for Celestia's anger, Celestia visits Nightmare Moon could be great. We just need to know the 'why', and believe it, or else it breaks suspension of disbelief.

Kudos for a good story, Bad Dragon, and thanks to you, reader, whoever you may be. Until next time!

4874093 Thank you so much for this review! I've read it several times. Your points are all valid.

You're not the only one that got jarred by the readers' comments in the long description. I received such criticism in the comments of my blog, as well. I tweaked it a bit in response to your review.

I also added some parts to the story that explain Celestia's rage better. I thought that it was evident that Celestia was subconsciously battling a guilt of her own, but I clearly didn't make it obvious enough.

4874705 I feel you may have missed the point of my comments regarding the long description. I do not believe there is any reason to have them there at all. Would you please tell me why they cannot be just simple links to reviews?

As I said in my long feedback, "If a story is good, it speaks for itself", and having read your blog, having quotes actually was one of the main reasons for dislikes! Instead of trying to defend the story by using quotes, lampshade the violence in the description, so readers aren't surprised by it. Once you let them know there will be some violence, then you will turn off all readers who aren't into that sort of thing, instead of dragging them through a story they thought they would like.

Maybe it wasn't clear in my long review, but I hope I've made it obvious now that instead of defending the story in the description, set it up to be the story it is. Clearly don't spoil it, but at least have something to let the audience know there will be violence. That way all the people likely to dislike your story will know from the get-go it is not a story for them.

Lastly (This is dragging on, sorry, but it has to be said), if, for whatever reason, you feel it necessary to include quotes, then don't refer to my feedback. Despite me sometimes calling it a review, the FiMFiction Bureau of Imagionists is for giving feedback to the writers, not for the readers. That is why the feedback is formatted differently to a review. You can link to this in the story description, but do not quote from it because it is not for the audience. It is for you.

Alright, that's it from me at the moment. Thanks for reading, and do please take this into consideration.

4874955 I did as you said and removed them from description of the story. The thing is, those were connected with the story, so I didn't want them to be forgotten. But yes, people see them differently as I intended them to be seen. The long description is now void of quotes from readers.

Thank you for convincing me. I've been stubborn and you've been right all along.

Flash and Nox
by GryphonStar5678

I usually ignore grammar and spelling mistakes, because I do not like being hypocritical or petty, but before I begin with the story feedback, please, GryphonStar5678, contact a proofreader. It is quite difficult to follow the story because of the number of simple grammar errors. If you want people to read this, fix all the errors, otherwise it breaks immersion. Readers get thrown out of the story so quickly with spelling and basic grammar errors, so please get someone to fix these.

"Our niece? are thou a descant of thy lineage, or thy sister lineage," Luna said, leave Cadence in confusion to the question, to which Princess Celestia quickly answered.

Let's analyse this sentence, as most of the stories problems are exemplified here. First of all, coloured text for different speakers. It may make it easier for you, the author, to tell speakers apart, but it kills immersion. The audience isn't stupid - they do know who is speaking without you needing to shove it down their throats.

Secondly, 'thy' means 'your', 'thou' means 'you'. So if we translate Luna's dialogue here, it comes out to: "Our niece? are you a descent of your lineage or your sister lineage,"

You see that? That up there makes zero sense. Descent is not a noun. Descendant is. Also no, you cannot be a descendant of your own lineage, unless you are talking about time travel impregnation. Speech needs to end in a question mark, possessive nouns need the proper punctuation, and sentences start with capital letters. Look, if you don't care enough about putting proper grammar into your story, readers will not care enough to keep reading. Readers will put in the same effort into reading you did into writing.

There are many groups on FiMFiction to find proofreaders for stories, which you can find by a few simple keystrokes. Here, I did it for you:
Looking for Editors
Overly Extensive Editors
Proof-reading, Pre-reading and Editing
Editors-R-Us
The Proofreader Group

Right, now that's out of my system, let's get onto the story feedback part.

The story itself is solid- it's a kind of action adventure with a murder mystery thrown into the mix. The only problem is that nothing is detailed. Some of the most crucial parts of the story - climaxes and moments of extreme tension - are reduced to a single sentence.

And with nopony wielding the blade, the magic rebound cause the magic that being held to be sent back to the ponies that it was stolen from.

That is the ultimate climax of the entire storyline, and I couldn't care less because I have no idea what is even going on. What blade? Where'd the magic come from? Where am I? Which ponies was the magic stolen from? When did the magic get stolen? What even?

The whole story is 10,000 words when it needs to be closer to 100,000. Nothing is ever explained, and all the important parts read exactly the same as all the boring filler. Now I know that GryphonStar5678 cares about his stories, so I do not understand how this sort of lazy writing could happen.

I don't have much more to say about Flash and Nox, other than: please,GryphonStar5678, put some more effort into writing and see how much of a difference can be made. If you try to improve, instead of just chucking out words, then maybe this story can be a great start to a saga. At the moment, it just turns me right off. I don't really want to read the rest of the series if it is going to be written the same way as this. Go back with a proofreader, fix up all the mistakes, and then start again, adding in descriptions and more detail so that your readers can finally care.

It's a great story idea, it just needs fleshing out. Thanks for reading, and I hope you take this on board.

4881366 Sorry my story is filled with mistakes, and main reason is no one has ever given me much advice since my first story. So I have been mostly going on gut instinct to see what works best. If you compare this to my previous stories then you will notice improvement just not much do to little help. But I will gladly take your advice and get this fix.

4881501 Yeah that's perfectly fine. In fact, you've done better than most first time authors simply by accepting this advice.
If you shoot me up in a week or so, I may even be able to help out a little bit with proofreading - but I'd highly recommend going to one of those links above first, as they are far better at it than I am.