A young colt has aspirations of heroism, but swiftly learns that such a dream may not be realistic within the confines of the Marejave Wasteland. Can he overcome the world's callousness, or will he fall prey to it like so many before him?
I have tried time and time again to sit myself down and get this thing of my "read later" list, but I must admit that 21K words for a prologue are scaring me away each and every time. If you need 28% of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone as an aperitif to entice new readers to go into the story... 28%. In other statistics is that about 2-3 hours of reading on the intro to the story.
I hate leaving a chapter half finished, but with how things are right now do I perhaps have 1½ hour of reading time in the weekdays, which means that I should need a weekend with no distractions to begin reading this, and the 2 next chapters as well.
If I can come with one advice to gain more views and better like/dislike scores would it be chopping up those 3 first chapters into more reader friendly sizes, and a max 3K word long prologue.
8991561 Let me just say, first and foremost, thank you so much for this. I have been starving for some critical feedback on this story for quite some time, and the chapter lengths have been one of my primary concerns. I have felt the prologue is incredibly long, and that it has been holding the story back in a lot of respects so it's nice to have some confirmation on that.
I started writing this story immediately after reading Project Horizons and I was ensnared into the idea of longer chapters. The prologue was, initially, never meant to be a prologue. It was meant to be the second chapter, an aspect of the original story structure which would have had chapters swapping back and forth between two different time periods in the main characters life. However, after some feedback, I decided to relegate that chapter as a prologue so as to make sure I didn't have to remove it entirely. It was a weird idea that I now regret trying to make work. At this point, I'm hesitant to delete or reformat the chapter. I'm mostly just unsure of how I would do this and still ensure the rest of the story still makes sense in context. I've even now included an interlude that is entirely reliant on the context the prologue provides.
I do want to reformat that chapter as well as the first few. However, since I'm currently lacking an editor and consistent feedback, it's hard to find the proper way to do so on my own. Again thank you so much for this comment and, if you could ever find the time, I would love any feedback as to how I can cut these chapters down to be a more palatable length for future readers. I'll continue trying on my own, but I'm constantly tempted to just continue on with the story whenever I find the spare moments to sit down and write. It's difficult to try and restructure when I want to get the whole of the story written out.
One of the most important thing about a good story is to have a solid foundation to build on. The first impression makes or breaks any story, because no matter how good it becomes after a while does it not matter if no one stuck around to see it. I know that it isn't the best solution, but since you admit that the prologue is only one in name only would a quickfix of throwing on a "War, war dosn't change" intro where you explain a bit about the setting of the story. Think about the giant difference in tone between Fallout Nev Vegas that didn't had any intros, beside intros to DLCs, and the other games that sat you down to explain how the setting is.
As said would it be a quickfix to throw 1-2K words on the beginning to the story and not fix the chapters lengths, but I am pretty sure that it will help you hook more readers.
Ohh and PH and chapter length... A lot of readers gave up on PH because the chapters got so long and felt bloated at times, so aiming to write as that is not the best strategy.
Dude. Just... dude! I'm so happy to have found this story, you can't even imagine! A FoE story, with an actual 100% original story different from most others written on this website? Humongous, 20k+ chapters that leave me reading for hours on end without having to worry about when I have access to the internet again to load the next chapter? Relatable, likable and realistic characters AND a story so gripping, I may or may not have blown through the entirety of your masterpiece in one-and-a-half days -a new record for lil' ol' me-?
You, sir, have an incredible talent for story-crafting and -telling, and you should be proud for it! It is, in my humble opinion, inconceivable and frankly disgusting how you were denied your rightful fan-base and recognission as the talented writer you are just because some narrow-minded people decided "that all FoE stories are bad!!!1!!!" and thus downvoted your story without giving it a chance. Because, and believe me on this, if they had, they most certainly wouldn't have reacted this way.
I wish you well for your future, and I hope that you'll still have as much fun as you had untill now writing this. Because it just shows through this quality writing how much you love doing this, and it would be a shame if you decided to discontinue it just as you got a new faithful follower, eh? ;-)
9022970 I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me, thank you so much. I legitimately started to tear up a bit reading your comment. I will admit, the lack of feedback (both positive or negative) has been a drain as I've continued with this story, but I still want it finished. I enjoy writing it, but it is difficult to stay motivated at times. However, even just a few encouraging words (not to mention the incredible praise you just heaped on me) always makes the process feel worthwhile. Do not fear, I'm always willing to continue. Despite the silence, I do have plans for this story that I absolutely want to see realized. I almost have another couple of shorter chapters completed, since I've been working off of prior feedback to shorten them. Personally, I do prefer the longer chapters as well, but it seems that many others do not and I fear that has been one of the factors holding the story back from reaching a wider audience.
Again, thank you for this. It's always helpful to know that there are people out there waiting for and wanting to see how this story plays out. I have no plans to abandon it, and I hope you continue to enjoy the content that I am able to put out.
9071083 Wow, this is incredible . Thank you so much for coming back to this story, and so much more for how in depth you are with this feedback. Like I said, I've been starving for some critical feedback and you're providing it in spades. So many of the ideas in here I've been worried about, whether they add to the story in a meaningful way and if everything is coming together cohesively, so it's incredibly refreshing to hear which ideas are (or are not) working out.
But that Lieutenant will from now on be known as Olivier Armstrong AKA Ice Queen to me from this point out, and nothing that you say and do will make me change that nickname!
I find this perfectly acceptable, please carry on. Your suggestion on which part to relegate as the "real" prologue is also very helpful. Ever since your first comment, I've been trying to figure out how best to bring that together, and I think taking the first part of the chapter is a pretty clever idea. And yeah, the "War never changes" bit has been there since the first chapter was posted, and I'd been considering on how to expand on it for a better prologue.
Would mister best pony call himself for a maniac?
In the context of the events to come, and how Venture ends up responding to them, I think he would. He's a fairly self-aware psychopath, but if you think it's a little too on the nose, it wouldn't be a big issue for me to change.
Better luck in the future little one!
Not to be too spoilery, but his luck stat is... quite low
So a content warning... after that last chapter... Well time to buckle up and hold on to hats and glasses because this is gonna be a wild ride!
Voices might just be the hardest bit of writing I've ever typed out, not to mention published. It took me longer than any other chapter just because I was so concerned on whether or not I was taking things too far, and if I was giving the events the proper care and respect they deserved. I wrestled with myself endlessly on if it was something worth including in the story (not to mention it being the longest chapter and taking place entirely in a cave, not easy to make engaging), without it just being another bad thing to happen to the main character. Also, as you probably noticed with your inclusion of "first", it never really got any specific feedback. So it's a huge weight off my shoulders to hear that it was enjoyable (if that's the right word). It also doesn't hurt that you said I handled it better than one of the most popular side-fics in the fandom . I put a lot of thought into it, so it's nice to hear that paid off.
Each time that I am on vacation with my father in law does he make those threats at my girlfriend and I... I know the fear of the overly false morning songs
For me it was my mother... every morning before school *shudder*. I still get flashbacks.
Quite the ride, and quite the introduction on Best Voice in Head ever!
Koe is, quite frankly, one of my favorite parts of this story. I've always been fascinated with the "voice in the head" in all types of media. He's kind of an amalgamation of my favorite versions of that trope like Frank in Donnie Darko, Hoji in Shadow Warrior, Celebrimbor in Shadow of Mordor, Deadpool and his dialogue boxes, etc.
I'll definitely get to work on fixing the rest of your critiques (how did I make so many grammar errors ) and yeah, I do import from Google Docs and I try to make sure the formatting imports properly, but obviously I need to put a little more work into that. Again, thank you so much for the amount of effort you've put into your responses, and I'm excited to know how you like the rest of the story.
Also, just as an aside, since your massive spring cleaning undertaking, I've definitely noticed an uptick in traffic for this story, so that's just another thing I have to thank you for. Thank you so much for that, I know it couldn't have been easy, but I appreciate it.
9071808 Compared between the length of chapters and the amount of nitpicks you have do you have one of the lowest ratios that I have seen so far, like only a few stories out there ain't getting nitpicked at, but as said, professional non native autistic pre-reader with work damage, the non native part is surprisingly important, you ask a lot more questions to yourself if you are new to a language instead of having grown up with it.
So since I don't go that much into detail about the rape scene, and no one else wanted to talk about it, let me do a rare follow up. As you say is it clear that you have respect for the subject, something that I never felt that PH, or any other story with a sexually assaulted character in them have as such. In most other stories that I have seen do the character quickly overcome their "woe is me" arc, and actually comes out stronger afterwards(!). Here does Mister Best Pony clearly have scars to this (that is first chapter) point in time, and while he have changed on a lot of personal virtues does he still stand strong on rape towards Koe, even after promising to follow his every word and bidding. And with that respect behind it does the impact have so much more weight. There were droves of people that left PH after the rape scene since it was so untasteful, a lot saying that they did personally not mind the subject, but it was the amount of detail that made them gag and run screaming away. Its kinda like the difference between a B splatter movie and a proper suspense horror movie. One goes "Look at me, look at me!" while doing autistic screeching to make people go ohh and ahh, the other... well you never see it coming before it hits you mental spot where it really hurts. Or rather I think the difference between your scene and PH's is that PH tried to force feed us the scene, you do just present it as is. Stories that hit you on the head with specific themes are never as impactful as those that just present them, the difference between "Save the environment!" in a Haio Miyazaki anime and Captain Planet. Once in school did I read a book that properly had the biggest impact on how I view literature. Long story short was it about a little girl on vacation at her grandmother, but without the reader really noticing it are they fed more information about the area where they are on vacation, and via that a specific painter known in Danish history, than the main character or any other living character in the story. Moral of that story, topics mentioned in passing, details giving to flesh out a story, all the elements of a very well constructed background, fills more and are more memorable than a flashy foreground. To end a long rant, you served the scene in its rawest sense, not dulling it in any way or form, but did not add to it either which was perhaps even more importantly.
And for the spring cleaning... It was really not that much work to be honest. Beside do I have a lot of dead time at my work where I sit on a computer, and putting stories in folders is a good healthy way of digesting the chapter you have just read and made yourself ready for the next one.
9072572 Once again, you never fail to impress me with the depth of your analyses. Thank you so much for expanding your thoughts on Voices, you can't even imagine how much it helps me to know if and where I'm handling these things correctly. Also...
Stories that hit you on the head with specific themes are never as impactful as those that just present them, the difference between "Save the environment!" in a Haio Miyazaki anime and Captain Planet.
That is a fantastic comparison, and probably one of the best compliments I've ever received, so thank you again. The entire expansion of your thoughts on that scene and chapter have given me a lot to think about. I'm pretty confident I can keep that level up in the future now that I know what it is that was done right.
I would have thought that it was on my end, but when I try to do the "green on black" setting does the letters not change, so there are properly some code voodoo going on behind the scenes.
This I was entirely unaware of, and I apologize for that. If it's not too much to ask, do you possibly have any ideas on what I can do to fix it? I'd like to take care of that on my end if I can. I'm also definitely putting a lot of thought into the reorganization of the chapters now. Once I get the next chapter(s) posted, that's going to be my next project.
So unless something big and major come up should you not expect me to say as much as I have lately.
No problem at all, you've already given me far more than I could have possibly hoped for. I'm mostly just glad to hear you're still enjoying it.
"earth to Venture" Unless he is a human alien, in which case I am gonna boycut this story... should it properly be Equestria
Hmmm... . Haha no, I wouldn't do that.
I know I've repeated it a couple of times now, but I am so grateful for how much attention you're giving this story. It's always helpful to know there are people out there still enjoying this, and it definitely helps keep me motivated to finish. I hope the rest of the story is as enjoyable a read.
I am sorry, but you got the saying wrong, the original and proper saying is "Cry me a boat and build me a river"
My version was something one of my high school history teachers would say all the time, so it's kind of been stuck in my head.
Point is, more magic, less science.
With this story, since there have been so many side-stories focussing on expanding the lore, I have had a lot more focus on the character(s) and specifically the breakdown of Venture's psyche in this world. But that's definitely a good point, and hopefully the events I have planned for the rest of the story within Stable 42 better incorporate more magic based tech. I'll definitely keep that in mind for the rest of the story.
I did just think that it was so obvious that he is a brain slug from Futurama that I didn't need say anything.
Koe's origin is... complicated. I will say you are partially correct.
GASP! No nitpicks?
HUZZAH!
By the way, what is it with people in FoE and missing eyes lately?
I guess it's a sensitive organ that's easy enough to lose, but pretty devestating to the character it happens to. Also eyepatches are cool
Sniffle! I have caught up with yet another story, had hoped it would take more than 5 days to do so, but ohh well, quality before quantity.
I would say that it is a pretty smart move to shift the point of view as you have in this one, its so much more effective to see a broken person from the outside than the inside after all, and putting us in the horseshoes of a new pony does also make the reader root for the unlucky peeps that have entered 42.
Only bad thing that I can say is that I despise cliffhangers, especially when I have to wait on the next chapter, so shame on you for what you did here!
The return of the nitpick "Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die… come watch TV." Don't know why, but we have the colour problem once again. "The turbulence set my heart hammering." Sat? Tenses is always a bitch "They stampeded out the sides" I fully get what you mean here, and the word choice is perfect to show the "raw strength" behind the scene... but would pegasi not think that a stampede is a bit too… Wastelanderish, and instead go galloping? I know that it is a really minor nitpick, but your other word choices have really been spot on. "A piercing sound cut through the air as a green beam flashed in front my eyes." I can't for the life of me remember if FoE made plasma weaponry into beams since they have their magical element over them, but Fo uses bolts. “... ew.” Pretty sure that it needs a capital letter
I would say that it is a pretty smart move to shift the point of view
So I definitely want the lion's share of this act to be about introducing readers to Crescent (she is very important to the rest of the story), but I also don't really want to abandon Venture's perspective entirely. What I'm currently working on are two chapters, a shorter one that's basically done and gives us a brief glimpse into what's happened to Venture in the last seven years, and a slightly longer one back in Crescent's point of view. I was planning to kind of swap back and forth between their perspectives. Not every chapter, but definitely some of them. I'd love your opinion on whether that's a good idea or not.
I am a man of my word... I present to you... Finnius Thornsquatter
9083534 A few of the main OCs show up a bit later in the story, so I don't want to spoil anything. Would you like an answer for them all up front or for me to answer as you go?
To start, I suppose for the main character, called Stab in the prologue but Venture in the main story, I've always kind of imagined a cross between Patrick Bateman, and Mark Hamill's Joker if that makes sense. The story focusses on him as a child after the prologue, so I guess just a younger version of that, but more socially awkward.
Lavender is also introduced in the prologue, and I've always pictured her sounding like Helga Sinclair from Atlantis.
Also, when does the sexual assault take place?
This takes place in the chapter titled 'Voices.' There is a content warning at the beginning of the chapter as well as a marker before it occurs and when the scene is over.
I have tried time and time again to sit myself down and get this thing of my "read later" list, but I must admit that 21K words for a prologue are scaring me away each and every time. If you need 28% of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone as an aperitif to entice new readers to go into the story... 28%. In other statistics is that about 2-3 hours of reading on the intro to the story.
I hate leaving a chapter half finished, but with how things are right now do I perhaps have 1½ hour of reading time in the weekdays, which means that I should need a weekend with no distractions to begin reading this, and the 2 next chapters as well.
If I can come with one advice to gain more views and better like/dislike scores would it be chopping up those 3 first chapters into more reader friendly sizes, and a max 3K word long prologue.
8991561
Let me just say, first and foremost, thank you so much for this. I have been starving for some critical feedback on this story for quite some time, and the chapter lengths have been one of my primary concerns. I have felt the prologue is incredibly long, and that it has been holding the story back in a lot of respects so it's nice to have some confirmation on that.
I started writing this story immediately after reading Project Horizons and I was ensnared into the idea of longer chapters. The prologue was, initially, never meant to be a prologue. It was meant to be the second chapter, an aspect of the original story structure which would have had chapters swapping back and forth between two different time periods in the main characters life. However, after some feedback, I decided to relegate that chapter as a prologue so as to make sure I didn't have to remove it entirely. It was a weird idea that I now regret trying to make work. At this point, I'm hesitant to delete or reformat the chapter. I'm mostly just unsure of how I would do this and still ensure the rest of the story still makes sense in context. I've even now included an interlude that is entirely reliant on the context the prologue provides.
I do want to reformat that chapter as well as the first few. However, since I'm currently lacking an editor and consistent feedback, it's hard to find the proper way to do so on my own. Again thank you so much for this comment and, if you could ever find the time, I would love any feedback as to how I can cut these chapters down to be a more palatable length for future readers. I'll continue trying on my own, but I'm constantly tempted to just continue on with the story whenever I find the spare moments to sit down and write. It's difficult to try and restructure when I want to get the whole of the story written out.
One of the most important thing about a good story is to have a solid foundation to build on. The first impression makes or breaks any story, because no matter how good it becomes after a while does it not matter if no one stuck around to see it. I know that it isn't the best solution, but since you admit that the prologue is only one in name only would a quickfix of throwing on a "War, war dosn't change" intro where you explain a bit about the setting of the story. Think about the giant difference in tone between Fallout Nev Vegas that didn't had any intros, beside intros to DLCs, and the other games that sat you down to explain how the setting is.
As said would it be a quickfix to throw 1-2K words on the beginning to the story and not fix the chapters lengths, but I am pretty sure that it will help you hook more readers.
Ohh and PH and chapter length... A lot of readers gave up on PH because the chapters got so long and felt bloated at times, so aiming to write as that is not the best strategy.
Dude.
Just... dude!
I'm so happy to have found this story, you can't even imagine! A FoE story, with an actual 100% original story different from most others written on this website? Humongous, 20k+ chapters that leave me reading for hours on end without having to worry about when I have access to the internet again to load the next chapter? Relatable, likable and realistic characters AND a story so gripping, I may or may not have blown through the entirety of your masterpiece in one-and-a-half days -a new record for lil' ol' me-?
You, sir, have an incredible talent for story-crafting and -telling, and you should be proud for it! It is, in my humble opinion, inconceivable and frankly disgusting how you were denied your rightful fan-base and recognission as the talented writer you are just because some narrow-minded people decided "that all FoE stories are bad!!!1!!!" and thus downvoted your story without giving it a chance. Because, and believe me on this, if they had, they most certainly wouldn't have reacted this way.
I wish you well for your future, and I hope that you'll still have as much fun as you had untill now writing this. Because it just shows through this quality writing how much you love doing this, and it would be a shame if you decided to discontinue it just as you got a new faithful follower, eh? ;-)
9022970
I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me, thank you so much. I legitimately started to tear up a bit reading your comment. I will admit, the lack of feedback (both positive or negative) has been a drain as I've continued with this story, but I still want it finished. I enjoy writing it, but it is difficult to stay motivated at times. However, even just a few encouraging words (not to mention the incredible praise you just heaped on me) always makes the process feel worthwhile. Do not fear, I'm always willing to continue. Despite the silence, I do have plans for this story that I absolutely want to see realized. I almost have another couple of shorter chapters completed, since I've been working off of prior feedback to shorten them. Personally, I do prefer the longer chapters as well, but it seems that many others do not and I fear that has been one of the factors holding the story back from reaching a wider audience.
Again, thank you for this. It's always helpful to know that there are people out there waiting for and wanting to see how this story plays out. I have no plans to abandon it, and I hope you continue to enjoy the content that I am able to put out.
9071083
Wow, this is incredible . Thank you so much for coming back to this story, and so much more for how in depth you are with this feedback. Like I said, I've been starving for some critical feedback and you're providing it in spades. So many of the ideas in here I've been worried about, whether they add to the story in a meaningful way and if everything is coming together cohesively, so it's incredibly refreshing to hear which ideas are (or are not) working out.
I find this perfectly acceptable, please carry on. Your suggestion on which part to relegate as the "real" prologue is also very helpful. Ever since your first comment, I've been trying to figure out how best to bring that together, and I think taking the first part of the chapter is a pretty clever idea. And yeah, the "War never changes" bit has been there since the first chapter was posted, and I'd been considering on how to expand on it for a better prologue.
In the context of the events to come, and how Venture ends up responding to them, I think he would. He's a fairly self-aware psychopath, but if you think it's a little too on the nose, it wouldn't be a big issue for me to change.
Not to be too spoilery, but his luck stat is... quite low
Voices might just be the hardest bit of writing I've ever typed out, not to mention published. It took me longer than any other chapter just because I was so concerned on whether or not I was taking things too far, and if I was giving the events the proper care and respect they deserved. I wrestled with myself endlessly on if it was something worth including in the story (not to mention it being the longest chapter and taking place entirely in a cave, not easy to make engaging), without it just being another bad thing to happen to the main character. Also, as you probably noticed with your inclusion of "first", it never really got any specific feedback. So it's a huge weight off my shoulders to hear that it was enjoyable (if that's the right word). It also doesn't hurt that you said I handled it better than one of the most popular side-fics in the fandom . I put a lot of thought into it, so it's nice to hear that paid off.
For me it was my mother... every morning before school *shudder*. I still get flashbacks.
Koe is, quite frankly, one of my favorite parts of this story. I've always been fascinated with the "voice in the head" in all types of media. He's kind of an amalgamation of my favorite versions of that trope like Frank in Donnie Darko, Hoji in Shadow Warrior, Celebrimbor in Shadow of Mordor, Deadpool and his dialogue boxes, etc.
I'll definitely get to work on fixing the rest of your critiques (how did I make so many grammar errors ) and yeah, I do import from Google Docs and I try to make sure the formatting imports properly, but obviously I need to put a little more work into that. Again, thank you so much for the amount of effort you've put into your responses, and I'm excited to know how you like the rest of the story.
Also, just as an aside, since your massive spring cleaning undertaking, I've definitely noticed an uptick in traffic for this story, so that's just another thing I have to thank you for. Thank you so much for that, I know it couldn't have been easy, but I appreciate it.
9071808
Compared between the length of chapters and the amount of nitpicks you have do you have one of the lowest ratios that I have seen so far, like only a few stories out there ain't getting nitpicked at, but as said, professional non native autistic pre-reader with work damage, the non native part is surprisingly important, you ask a lot more questions to yourself if you are new to a language instead of having grown up with it.
So since I don't go that much into detail about the rape scene, and no one else wanted to talk about it, let me do a rare follow up.
As you say is it clear that you have respect for the subject, something that I never felt that PH, or any other story with a sexually assaulted character in them have as such. In most other stories that I have seen do the character quickly overcome their "woe is me" arc, and actually comes out stronger afterwards(!). Here does Mister Best Pony clearly have scars to this (that is first chapter) point in time, and while he have changed on a lot of personal virtues does he still stand strong on rape towards Koe, even after promising to follow his every word and bidding.
And with that respect behind it does the impact have so much more weight. There were droves of people that left PH after the rape scene since it was so untasteful, a lot saying that they did personally not mind the subject, but it was the amount of detail that made them gag and run screaming away. Its kinda like the difference between a B splatter movie and a proper suspense horror movie. One goes "Look at me, look at me!" while doing autistic screeching to make people go ohh and ahh, the other... well you never see it coming before it hits you mental spot where it really hurts.
Or rather I think the difference between your scene and PH's is that PH tried to force feed us the scene, you do just present it as is. Stories that hit you on the head with specific themes are never as impactful as those that just present them, the difference between "Save the environment!" in a Haio Miyazaki anime and Captain Planet.
Once in school did I read a book that properly had the biggest impact on how I view literature. Long story short was it about a little girl on vacation at her grandmother, but without the reader really noticing it are they fed more information about the area where they are on vacation, and via that a specific painter known in Danish history, than the main character or any other living character in the story. Moral of that story, topics mentioned in passing, details giving to flesh out a story, all the elements of a very well constructed background, fills more and are more memorable than a flashy foreground.
To end a long rant, you served the scene in its rawest sense, not dulling it in any way or form, but did not add to it either which was perhaps even more importantly.
And for the spring cleaning... It was really not that much work to be honest. Beside do I have a lot of dead time at my work where I sit on a computer, and putting stories in folders is a good healthy way of digesting the chapter you have just read and made yourself ready for the next one.
9072572
Once again, you never fail to impress me with the depth of your analyses. Thank you so much for expanding your thoughts on Voices, you can't even imagine how much it helps me to know if and where I'm handling these things correctly. Also...
That is a fantastic comparison, and probably one of the best compliments I've ever received, so thank you again. The entire expansion of your thoughts on that scene and chapter have given me a lot to think about. I'm pretty confident I can keep that level up in the future now that I know what it is that was done right.
This I was entirely unaware of, and I apologize for that. If it's not too much to ask, do you possibly have any ideas on what I can do to fix it? I'd like to take care of that on my end if I can. I'm also definitely putting a lot of thought into the reorganization of the chapters now. Once I get the next chapter(s) posted, that's going to be my next project.
No problem at all, you've already given me far more than I could have possibly hoped for. I'm mostly just glad to hear you're still enjoying it.
Hmmm... . Haha no, I wouldn't do that.
I know I've repeated it a couple of times now, but I am so grateful for how much attention you're giving this story. It's always helpful to know there are people out there still enjoying this, and it definitely helps keep me motivated to finish. I hope the rest of the story is as enjoyable a read.
9078323
My version was something one of my high school history teachers would say all the time, so it's kind of been stuck in my head.
With this story, since there have been so many side-stories focussing on expanding the lore, I have had a lot more focus on the character(s) and specifically the breakdown of Venture's psyche in this world. But that's definitely a good point, and hopefully the events I have planned for the rest of the story within Stable 42 better incorporate more magic based tech. I'll definitely keep that in mind for the rest of the story.
Koe's origin is... complicated. I will say you are partially correct.
HUZZAH!
I guess it's a sensitive organ that's easy enough to lose, but pretty devestating to the character it happens to. Also eyepatches are cool
Yessir *writes frantically*
Sniffle! I have caught up with yet another story, had hoped it would take more than 5 days to do so, but ohh well, quality before quantity.
I would say that it is a pretty smart move to shift the point of view as you have in this one, its so much more effective to see a broken person from the outside than the inside after all, and putting us in the horseshoes of a new pony does also make the reader root for the unlucky peeps that have entered 42.
Only bad thing that I can say is that I despise cliffhangers, especially when I have to wait on the next chapter, so shame on you for what you did here!
The return of the nitpick
"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die… come watch TV." Don't know why, but we have the colour problem once again.
"The turbulence set my heart hammering." Sat? Tenses is always a bitch
"They stampeded out the sides" I fully get what you mean here, and the word choice is perfect to show the "raw strength" behind the scene... but would pegasi not think that a stampede is a bit too… Wastelanderish, and instead go galloping? I know that it is a really minor nitpick, but your other word choices have really been spot on.
"A piercing sound cut through the air as a green beam flashed in front my eyes." I can't for the life of me remember if FoE made plasma weaponry into beams since they have their magical element over them, but Fo uses bolts.
“... ew.” Pretty sure that it needs a capital letter
I am a man of my word... I present to you... Finnius Thornsquatter
i.imgur.com/Yv6Jj1P.jpg
9080313
Aw, shucks. Thank you
So I definitely want the lion's share of this act to be about introducing readers to Crescent (she is very important to the rest of the story), but I also don't really want to abandon Venture's perspective entirely. What I'm currently working on are two chapters, a shorter one that's basically done and gives us a brief glimpse into what's happened to Venture in the last seven years, and a slightly longer one back in Crescent's point of view. I was planning to kind of swap back and forth between their perspectives. Not every chapter, but definitely some of them. I'd love your opinion on whether that's a good idea or not.
*sniff* He's... beautiful
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like? Also, when does the sexual assault take place?
9083534
A few of the main OCs show up a bit later in the story, so I don't want to spoil anything. Would you like an answer for them all up front or for me to answer as you go?
To start, I suppose for the main character, called Stab in the prologue but Venture in the main story, I've always kind of imagined a cross between Patrick Bateman, and Mark Hamill's Joker if that makes sense. The story focusses on him as a child after the prologue, so I guess just a younger version of that, but more socially awkward.
Lavender is also introduced in the prologue, and I've always pictured her sounding like Helga Sinclair from Atlantis.
This takes place in the chapter titled 'Voices.' There is a content warning at the beginning of the chapter as well as a marker before it occurs and when the scene is over.