Nother preview of the rewrite · 11:07pm Sep 1st, 2022
Melodic’s ear twitched. Something that wasn’t good. She drew her sidehoof, turning over. A changeling had risen over the edge of the crater, aiming his bolt-thrower down. She was quicker to the draw though, firing a shot into the changeling. The changeling stumbled back, falling into an adjacent crater.
~~~
Curvature fell back into a crater, wincing in pain. He looked down, clenching his chest. Thankfully, it wasn’t a longthrower shot. He grabbed his own longthrower, aiming up. The Killer Angel stepped over him, clearly not expecting a bolt-thrower aimed at her. She raised her sidehoof, but it was too late. Curvature’s longthrower sent a bolt straight into her chest, a loud, but frail shriek erupting from her mouth, and she too fell back.
Curvature sighed, sitting against the crater, silently thanking whatever deity was watching over him. He then began to dress his wound. He wasn’t a medic by any means, and anything other than a sidehoof or bayonet probably would’ve killed him. But he knew how to wrap a small wound.
However, after that, he was alone, unable to move. Or well, he could move. But his body didn’t want to. It was hard to explain. But he couldn’t move, even though he wanted to. He just… stared.
He began to take in the minute details of the crater. The lumpy mud, the dead bodies lain beside him, the rats squirming around in the puddle he was sitting in. A knot tied in his stomach, and he wanted to vomit. But he just sat there.
~~~
Melodic’s eyes adjusted to her situation. One moment, she was over a changeling, the next, the world as black, now, she was staring up at the pouring rain. Her eyes were as wide as they’d ever been, and her mouth hung open. She couldn’t move any part of her body, as was now fearing that she’d been paralyzed. Every breath she took sent a horrible, burning pain into her chest, and it was hard to tell if the water streaming down her face were tears or rain. Her eyes darted up, down, left and right. The most she could was the edges of the crater, nothing more. She only blinked out of reflex as the rain pitter-pattered on her face.
She was alone. Alone and terrified. Alone, the only company was the slow resignation of Death itself, looming over her like a shroud of darkness.
Then her ear began to twitch.
Is this the Killer Angel? thought her name was Serenade.
Ooh, spooky
5683467
Oh yeah… oops
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5683476
Heh, glad y’all like it. I’m trying to go into more detail with these scenes.
5683482
Other than that, you’re really improving; I notice the “more detail” thing you’re going for when reading
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Really?
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Yeah! As Griff pointed out
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Nice
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Hooray!