To live or not to live · 3:13pm Jan 10th, 2022
I'm reaching out to you all right now. I know it's bad, I've been told to seek help, both by people and my own mind alike.
Since the big crisis ended a good few months ago now, I've been struggling woth depression, but mostly beating it back. I've been better. I even started writing again! But I need time. Time dedicated to healing, without pressure and with understanding and care. My depression was... really bad. It still is. I can't quite describe it, but it's something that squeezes all life out of you.
And I can't get past one question; what is I threw it all overboard?
I can't find a reason to live. For me not to want to throw it all overboard. I fear death, I fear it a lot, but at the same time, I don't have a reason to keep going. It's a weird conundrum, but today, I ceased fearing sudden death.
It's dangerous and I know it. But for me now, this is the only tangible way to throw every suffering out the window; it presents a very tempting perspective: imagine everything suddenly ceasing to exist. Everything, it's a sudden cessation of all evil. Who wouldn't want that?
I'm writing all this in hopes that someone there will understand the predicament. I just don't have an argument to counter this, to say that with all the evil, I lose something else as well.
I don't. My story is almost finished, it's like... 2-3K words from the ending. I won't continue that for a long time now regardless, and I've left something after myself on this world. I can leave this to my loving girlfriend, who herself has been an anchor all this time. She, my best friend, and my (mentally) sister, who I share no blood with and yet she feels like the closest if families. But right now... I just feel nothing. All the evil gone feels like betraying those people would maybe even be bearable. Would it even be betrayal? Why am I considering this? I'm a bad person, I know.
I wonder how much nonsense I've written in this blog, and how much is an objectively sane recollection of thoughts. The more nonsense the better.
Maybe my therapist will help, maybe not.
This website is my one real home, really, now that I think about it. There's a reason it's always open as one of my tabs. I need it, I need all of you. I guess this is an putcry for help... or something. I've said my stuff.
I too suffer from depression, as well as anxiety, so I know how you feel. I know it seems tempting, to end it all.
But you must remember, that it isn't truly an end to all the worrying, all the pain. It may seem like it, but it isn't. There are still people who love and care about you, people who want to help you. If you go, you will not only be hurting yourself, but also them. Things seem difficult, or too sad to continue, but their is so much more to live for.
You have come this far, lasted this long. That tells me that you are stronger then you realize. You have weathered these trials, and proven that you have a life worth living. You are strong, and you can beat this. Your girlfriend knows it, your friends know it. And even with how bad you think you have it, just remember that it could be worse. Don't just use this site as your single home, because you will realize that you have a home with the people who care about you as well. So be sure to talk to them as well.
Hopefully you will get the help you need, and you will just how much stronger you actually are. *hug*
You are valid, and loved, and you would be missed. It's only your depression telling you that you aren't or that you wouldn't. You most certainly aren't a bad person. Please talk to someone, and don't do anything rash.
I agree with you. This site is a home to me. The home my so called family is crap and highly depressing. My job is just as depressing as my family. This site is truly one if not my best source of love, happens, and light in this dark world. We will be here, we will be glad to listen to you, and we will be glad to try to help you to the best of our abilities.
5625851
*hug*
That's true. I have come far, and yet face challenges so few people of my age do. It feels almost pointless, sometimes... having fallen from grace so much. And yet, I must press on... don't I?
It's liberating in a way to write like this sometimes... to seek help. I feel like despite all, crying for help is something that... really can have an effect, like seen here. This is a saving grace. Not the first time this fandom talked me out of suicide... though the first time was closer, far closer...
5625856
5625871
Okay, okay... thanks. Sorry for being so "woe is me" here... I just know I need help, and for complicated reasons reaching it through more official channels is hard.
I almost live on this site. It's amazing how incredible people you can meet here...
5626155
No need to apologise! I just wish we could help more, beyond reminding you that you matter and that people are here to listen.
5626153
I know that you are strong enough to press on, and I know that your loved ones appreciate your strength.
Seeking help is the first step in fighting on, and I am thankful that you had spoken up. The reason it feels liberating, I believe, is because you know this. You aren't just fading into the night, you are sending out the call. With this, your loved ones and friends can come to your aid, offering their strength to aid you. We are all strong, even when alone. But our true strength is with the friends and family we love. They will always share their strength with you, as I am sure you would with them.
This compassion, this sharing of our hearts and strength, it's amazing. And what better place for a reminder that Friendship is Magic.
Sorry for the tangent, but I truly hope you are feeling better my friend. And we will always be here for you.
5626155
It's not a woe is me. Your just voicing how you feel and how hard it is to get help. We all understand and we all still stand here together to help as much as we can. We all have been in a dark place in are lives and we can and will try and help everyone when thiers gets bad. Your never doing woe is me for we all have been there and come here for help that we can't get anywhere else.