"One Last Hearths Warming Chapter 3" Constructive Criticism · 2:34am Dec 15th, 2021
I don't know if Mykan is ignoring me now (which I can't complain about) or he just has nothing to say (which I also can't complain about). Either way, I figure that no news is good news.
But I would like to draw attention to a comment made in the last part. Click here. Basically, he makes a couple of good points about what Mykan generally does wrong. In general, he points out that you shouldn't exaggerate character flaws, even if you don't like the character. He also points out that criticism isn't a bad thing. Criticism, whether it's intended to be constructive or not, is still a way to learn how to improve. And it's not something to take personally. Granted, that's a more optimistic view, but it's not wrong.
But with that said, let's continue with One Last Hearths Warming Chapter 3.
Last time on One Last Hearths Warming...
After a 3-day time skip, CJ enters the home of Sun Grin (who I will be calling Sunny from now on) disguised as a homeless pony. As they eat dinner, he meets her parents, Grumpy Mario (Steel Pipe the plumber) and Twilight Rip-Off (Bookcase the librarian), and her kids who have no personality (although they're still cute oddly enough). Grumpy Mario is suspicious of CJ because he saw him at the clothing drive. After getting to know him, he feels his stomach pains, which causes the family to call a doctor.
And now we start with Chapter 3.
Steep Pipe does get a Doctor, specifically Doctor Horse. Why him specifically, I don't know. But whatever.
“What in the world…?” he started to spat, until Jangles gave him a couple of silent signals not to reveal who he was-- that he wasn’t poor, and he had no real business to take advantage of the family’s kindness.
…The doc corrected himself “…What in the world-- it’s a good thing you all sent for me.”
So a couple things here. Does CJ know sign language? Because that's a lot to say in just a few silent signals.
The second thing is that Doctor Horse sucks at lying. Why'd he have to repeate "What in the world"? It would've worked better as a lie if he didn't repeat that and just said "it's a good thing you all sent for me" as a follow up.
Horse then asks to give them privacy so that he can give CJ a "checkup".
“Please, don’t tell them.” Jangles whispered ever so softly.
The Doc agreed of course, not wanting to violate Doctor-Patient confidentiality
That's not how Doctor-Patient Confidentiality works. It doesn't cover a patient's personal lives. In fact, lying on medical records is a breach of HIPAA laws. Though I suppose in this case, he wouldn't actually add the lies to the medical record... I assume.
“Please…” whispered Jangles, “Just play along. I have to be here, just this once. I can’t tell you why, you just have to trust me.”
This is what I don't understand. Why can't CJ tell the doctor why he's there? Considering the circumstances, Sunny being CJ's daughter is something that would be on the medical record, and therefore subject to Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.
In fact, if the doctor suspected suspicious activity (which is the case technically), he'd be obligated to call law enforcement.
Bookcase agreed, and she had a queer look on her face
I already adressed this in the first chapter, but perhaps I addressed it wrong last time. To any Canadians, does Canada view the word "queer" differently than in the USA? I mean, I know that's a thing. For example, the word "cunt" is considered a word of endeerment in Australia.
And if anyone wants to get on my case for saying that word without any type of censoring, I'd like to keep address the fact that I'm using it purely in an academic sense.
Twilight passes by the house and sees CJ with the family and is suspicious. But nothing really comes of that and is just padding.
So, CJ read the kids a bedtime story. This gives Bookcase the idea of getting him a job at the library she used to work at. I don't see how reading means librarian though. You don't have to be good at reading or a good storyteller to work at a library. Twilight didn't work at a library because she loved reading or was good at it. She worked (and lived) in a library because she loved knowledge. Anything at a library that involves reading to kids would be volunteer work.
Jangles shook his head. “It’s just so beautiful…” then he paused. “If only your real parents could see you now, I bet they’d be proud of you.”
Sun’s features saddened a bit. “…I’ll bet.” she remarked. “That’s why they gave me up in the first place.”
You know, I never really understood the trope of the angry orphan. In fact, it's counterintuitive. There are very few situations where someone who was put up for adoption or left on a doorstep would've lived a better life with their birth parents. And I've seen enough Reddit stories to know that some people would've preferred to have been put up for adoption rather than raised by their birth parents.
Reasons for abandoning a child:
They don't want them. Someone else in the family doesn't want them. Taken away by CPS. The parents can't support a child. I'm sure there are other reasons.
Reasons why foster parents are a better option:
When adopting a child, it's because the foster parents both want a child and can support a child.
One example of a show doing the adoption angle right was Digimon Adventure. Izzy Izumi once overheard his parents talking, and pointed out how Izzy is adopted. But he was not angry. Instead of being angry at his birth parents, he doesn't even address their existence and just continues to love his adopted parents as if they were his real parents. Because they are. And that's another thing. "Birth parents" is not synonous with "real parents".
And if it is the case that the parents didn't want the child, then isn't it a good thing that they left the child where it can be taken care of? So if you want to be mad at your birth parents for not wanting you, just be thankful that they gave you a chance at life to hate them rather than abandon you somewhere in the middle of nowhere where you would surely die. But even death would be preferable to a life with parents that hate you.
Sun began to feel remorseful, still believing Jangles was a homeless pony and that he was probably abandoned and given up for.
There are many reasons why someone would be homeless. Being abandoned would probably be the least likely reason.
…He then stuck it in a sealed envelope which he marked: “For Sun Grin-- Do not open until after New-Years.”
The issue I have with this is that by making sure not to ruin Sunny's holidays, he's ensuring that they're ruined, because it's blatantly obvious that she would worry about CJ that entire time.
However, the split second the door had shut, did Steel Pipe come walking down the stairs, to go to the kitchen for a glass of milk to help him sleep.
Two things I want to address. The first is, why was it the split second? Why couldn't it be a few moments? It'd be one thing if it were for the sake of suspense or something like that. But suspense only works if CJ knew Steel was coming, and the audience knew Steel was coming. That and there actually being real stakes.
The second thing I want to address... I assume he was getting warm milk? Because milk alone doesn't help someone get to sleep.
Even though the weather was snowy and cold, and he was in his pajamas; Steel decided to bundle up and go after Jangles, and demand answers.
The odd thing about this is that this could either be considered good writing or bad writing depending on the context. Knowing Mykan, I money is on the latter. Because if it really is just to get answers and nothing more, shouldn't he be happy with CJ leaving in the first place? What would make this good writing is if Steel actually was concerned for CJ's well being, despite his suspicions. But who knows, maybe Mykan will surprise me later.
At the very same time, Twilight had awoken herself and decided to get a cup of milk too. She usually loved to sip while standing by a window which gave a beautiful overlook of the town.
There are three things I'd like to address here. The first... does Mykan have an obsession with milk? At least with Steel, you could make the argument that it was supposed to be warm milk. But here, wouldn't the scene be more fitting if she had a cup of hot chocolate instead?
Secondly, why is Twilight up in the middle of the night? I mean, I know that she's known for pulling all-nighters. But that's when she's studdying something. And she doesn't specifically get up in the middle of the night to do so. Perhaps I'm misinterpetting this part and she got up to get warm milk to help her get back to sleep. But even that would imply that she went back to her bed.
Finally, it really had to be at the exact same time? This just proves that Mykan is trying to shoehorn in Twilight and make up an excuse to but her nose in. He's trying to force the interaction.
Here's how it can be done without it feeling forced. First of all, rather than Twilight waking up, have it so she's still up. Perhpas she's so into a good book that she completely lost track of time. Secondly, rather than specifically being next to a window, it's Owlicious that points CJ out. That interaction can even feel like Twilight thought Owlicious was trying to let her know how late it was. Then when he points to the window and she looks, then she sees CJ. Finally, just make the milk hot chocolate instead. It's such an obvious choice that I don't know why I'd have to point that out.
but he felt he did the right thing, especially for Sun’s sake.
And this is why he did the right thing in giving her up. Because he clearly would've sucked as a father.
“…Kinda cold out here, huh?”
Jangles was surprised to see him, and looked at his rather straight and stern face.
“Uh… yes… especially when you’re wearing pajamas under a parka.”
As opposed to wearing nothing?
I know this is an honest review, but you had to give me that little riff. At least I didn't have CJ think 'Don't say 'what's with the long face'. Don't say 'what's with the long face'. Don't say 'what's with the long face'.' "What's with the long face?" 'Damnit!' But I didn't.
I regret nothing.
“Steel Pipe…” he said before pausing for a moment, “…I’m Sun Grin’s father.”
…Followed by a long moment of awkward and shocking silence.
This chapter should've ended with the reveal, and begin with next chapter with 'There was a long moment of awkwards silence.' Ending it after that silence just makes it awkward.
And now for some spelling and grammar errors.
He paused when he noticed they kids had fallen asleep, and he smiled at them. “…And they lived a long and blissful life.”
Correction:
He paused when he noticed the kids had fallen asleep, and he smiled at them. “…And they lived a long and blissful life.”
Mother and shared a warm hug, which brought a tear to Jangles eye.
I don't have a correction because I don't know what this sentence was supposed to be. It's just grammatically incorrect. Was part of the paragraph accidently deleted or something?
Jangles had gotten only halfway down the road towards his home. The streets were all deserted, since no pony-else would out at night like this.
Correction:
Jangles had gotten only halfway down the road towards his home. The streets were all deserted, since no pony-else would be out at night like this.
He felt just a little chilly form the cold, and that’s when some-pony came up to him; Steel Pipe.
Correction:
He felt just a little chilly from the cold, and that’s when some-pony came up to him; Steel Pipe.
The quality of the story is going down as I progress. At this point, I'd drop the rating to a 2.5/5. So in other words, it's dropping from what could've been a good story to more like what I expect from Mykan. But there's still 4 chapters left. And though I don't expect it, perhaps Mykan can turn it around.
Continued in Part 4...
Your Changeling Lord King Cocoon has spoken.
Probably shouldn't answer this, but I will...
All I care about is exacting revenge on the characters (Even if it is pretend because they are fictional, and it doesn't change the actual canon) Making them hurt, making them bleed, making them cry, making them suffer.
I don't think of myself as exaggerating on their flaws, I think of myself as PUNISHING them for HAVING such flaws, and doing things that I find revolting and disappointing. (why do you think I usually sentence BB to death?)
It helps me vent pent up rage in a harmless way to increase my odds of having a better night sleep, rather than being up all night angry at what happened and having my head flooded with so many alternative endings and ideas.
Plus, it's harmless enough. Pushing and attacking cartoon characters is NOT and will never be the equivalence of bullying someone real.
Except for two thing...
Number ONE: As I just told you, the only thing I really care about is making the characters suffer. I didn't bring them into my fanfics to IMPROVE their lives or make them better people. They are here to be punished for what they did or the way they acted.
Inspired by CLASSROOM OF THE ELITE:
"You have neither the RIGHT, the PRIVILEGE or even the PERMISSION to make up for what you did."
Once I hold them in contempt... that's it.
"So I made a few mistakes. I'm a better person now because I learned from those things."
...No, you're not.
(That's how I've been treated, by others, and even you. So now I'm returning the favor, especially on characters.)
Their good qualities, their brighter sides, their heroics, ect, ect... they mean nothing to me. They get an automatic 0... Period.
NUMBER TWO:
If I don't like it...
If I don't tolerate it...
...IS it an improvement? I don't think it is. For that matter, a lot of you all act the same way. You don't like it, so it can't be an improvement to you.
And also... it won't matter even if I change it anyway.
to me... THIS fanfic and what happens to Twilight is an improvement,
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/472209/forgiveness-denied
5617179
So you reply to me addressing the comment, but you don't address the original comment. Now I know that you don't care about whether you're right or wrong, you're just a troll. But for some reason, I still don't block you.
That's all I need to prove that you're in the wrong.
I guess that means you don't care about being a good writer either. Which further proves the point that you're just a troll.
Then you're ignorant of the characters you claim to be portraying.
That's a poor excuse. Don't get me wrong, I agree that writing stories like that can be therapeutic. The reason it's a poor excuse is that you have no reason to post those stories for everyone to see. I also have several story ideas constantly in my head, as well as alternate ideas for other people's stories, as well as alternate endings and episode ideas for the series. And yet I have no problem getting to sleep. As for anger, you have anger towards fictional characters. You're Canadian, right? That means you don't live in a country that was run by Trump for 4 years. Even now, the Republican party has become nothing but crap. Based on your logic, I should be an insomniac. Then again, I'm actually capable of calming my anger on my own.
Also, one of the key differences between your stories and mine (and most other people for that matter) is that mine actually have creativity whereas most of yours just rip-off other ideas. So that makes my head more full than yours.
Non-Sequitur. When did the topic of bullying come up?
Non-Sequitur. This is completely irrelevant to the point. The topic isn't the characters in your fics. The topic is you, and writers in general.
The thing is that you do have the right and the privilege to make up and be a better person. It's just that you are the one who refuses to do so.
Yes you are, regardless of how you do things in your stories. Learning from mistakes is literally how people become better. Making mistakes is how people learn. Another way to put is "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."
When have I treated you that way?
Also, how does it count as returning the favor if you're doing it to fictional characters?
It doesn't matter if you like it.
It doesn't matter if you tolerate it.
Improvement doesn't care about your personal preferences. Personal preferences are as subjective as you can get. Improvement is objective. And no, a lot of us do NOT act the same way as you. Whether something is an improvement has absolutely nothing to do with whether we like it or not. You're just the pot calling the silverware black at this point.