"One Last Hearths Warming Chapter 2" Constructive Criticism · 2:21pm Dec 4th, 2021
As you may have noticed in the comments section of Part 1, Mykan is mostly petty. And I will not tolerate him spamming the comments section just to argue with me. However, I will not stop him from commenting entirely, just in case I do make a mistake. And I did make one in the last part. And that's why I say mostly petty.
As for the mistake I did make...
Mykan does remember that Rarity is there, right?
This was a mistake on my part. Rarity and the others had separated ways...
Twilight and Starlight chuckled, and then went around to see all the kinds of displays of giving’s Rarity had for her drive.
That's when they went their separate ways.
However, Mykan is wrong in saying that it's obvious. Regardless of how much he claims it's obvious, it is not. In fact, did Mykan edit that to make it even less obvious than before? Because I swear it was more obvious the first time I double-checked. But whether it was edited or not, you really have to pay attention and analyze the sentence to determine that it implies that the separated at that moment.
There's also one detail that Mykan pointed out. He said it's obvious that CJ knows he doesn't have colic. The reason why he's wrong is because he meant that it will become obvious in a later chapter. "Is obvious" and "will be obvious" do NOT mean the same thing. And since I only knew of what was in the first chapter at the time, the proper terminology is "will be obvious". Just because that future chapter is already posted, it doesn't mean that it's obvious in the first chapter.
And he did use a valid (though obsolete) usage of the word "queer".
And at least he corrected the grammar errors.
As we continue, this is "One Last Hearths Warming Chapter 2" Constructive Criticism. And regardless of what Mykan says, this is just constructive criticism. Not whining, not complaining, not ranting. Just because I get on his case a lot, it doesn't mean I always get on his case. It's an honest review, not mocking. Believe it or not, I can actually separate my feelings for the author from my opinion of that author's work.
Let's start with a recap of the last chapter.
It's one week from Hearth's Warming. Twilight, Starlight, and Spike were collecting donations before going to Rarity's, who's holding a charity clothing drive. They meet up with Coin Jangles, an OC that we were given no reason to care about despite Twilight presumably knowing him since she moved to Ponyville. As they talk, he reveals that there's something wrong with him, claiming it to be colic. Twilight invites him to the castle for Hearth's Warming. CJ turns her down. Later, after they part ways, CJ notices a blanket at the clothing drive, with the name of his daughter. The one who brought it there mentioned that it was his adopted daughter's. And then CJ smiled a devious smile as he concocted a scheme.
And here we are.
It's now 4 days from Hearth's Warming
Pinkie Pie baked her special Hearths Warming cakes.
Applejack was hauling a wagon full of hot apple pies to sell.
Rainbow Dash was leading children into playful snow-fights now that school was out for the holidays, and they were sure having loads of fun.
Simple and relatively generic. But since they're not the main focus of the story, it works for what it is. It's just for a visual after all.
I gotta give credit to the part with Rainbow Dash though.
Now for 5 new OCs. My focus will only be on four of them since I'm analyzing the names, and already did so with one of them.
The first is Sun Grin. I already mentioned my thoughts on that name. But now we're introduced to her.
Lily's a decent name. So good in fact that it's already used in canon. She's Sun's daughter (now imagine how that sounds without the context of spelling).
Woody's okay I guess. He's Sun's son.
Steel Pipe is uninspired and generic. He's Sun's adopted father... and a plumber... if that means anything in the context of the story beyond padding. I could let that name pass. However...
Bookcase? Really? At least Steel Pipe sounds like a name, even if it's a low bar to set. Bookcase doesn't even reach the lowest standards for a name. And if you couldn't tell, she's a librarian... assuming that has any relevance to the story. Perhaps if you separated it into two words, Book Case, then make her a lawyer, you can reach the bare minimum for a name and make her more interesting.
For context, Twilight, Starlight, and Spike are just outside that house. And no, they're not doing anything creepy. They're just in the middle of collecting more donations.
The father, whose name was Steel Pipe-- he was a plumber-- saw Twilight and co and invited them over to meet his daughter.
“Say hi to Princess Twilight, kids.” Sun said to her children.
The reason I'm pointing this out is because despite how nice it seems, it actually becomes odd when you think of it in context with...
Then Sun approached the trio and bowed respectfully to Twilight. “It’s an honor to finally meet you, Princess.”
“Please… just “Twilight” will do.”
They invited them in as if they were friends, but actually just invited them in without actually knowing them personally. It's just strange in my opinion. Perhaps Twilight could've known Bookcase, since they're both librarians.
Now, I know I shouldn't riff in an honest review. But I just have to just this once.
This was her first time being in Ponyville, especially since her folks moved from Canterlot to settle down into a quieter life.
If they wanted a quieter life, they should've stayed in Canterlot. Ponyville is the epicenter of most excitement in Equestria.
Ursa Minor attack, parasprites, Winter Wrap-Up (before Twilight arrived), the Want-It Need-It incident, Spike's "greed-induced bigness", the Alicorn Amulet, the Goof Off, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Pinkie Pie, and those are just a few of what happens on an average day. Don't get me started on the more major stuff.
Now that I got that out of my system...
“She’s the finest any parent could have.” said Bookcase. “Plowed her way through school, found a job as a teacher in the royal palace, married a royal guard…”
A teacher in the royal palace? That's not a thing. The palace is not a school. Perhaps this would've worked better if she got a job as a teacher at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
Lots of homes around town did the same thing Steel and Bookcase did; leaving their doors wide open for hungry or lost strangers. Nobody deserved to starve or freeze to death, especially around the holidays.
This sounds nice, and perhaps fitting for the Ponyvillians. That is until you realize that when Mykan said they leave their doors wide open, he meant that literally. When people say that their doors are open, they don't mean it literally. It means that if someone were to come by, they'd be welcomed in.
Also, this implies that homelessness and starvation is common in Ponyville. It's not.
You poor dear, you look like you haven’t eaten in days.”
Jangles let out a small chuckle, “…In a way I haven’t.”
I don't get what CJ means here. I mean, I know that he's lying. But if he's lying, he might as well just say he hasn't. What is the "in a way" part supposed to mean? That would imply a lie of omission, which this is not. I'd recommend just removing the "in a way" part.
Jangles couldn’t help by eye at the mare standing before him
Correction:
Jangles couldn’t help but eye at the mare standing before him
Jangles acted as if he were astounded as he gazed at their mother “…We’re you?”
Correction: The use of an apostrophe in this context implies the contraction for "we are".
Jangles acted as if he were astounded as he gazed at their mother “…Were you?”
The family all smiled at him, taking a small liking to his politeness… everyone except for Steel, he had forced his smiles and grins, but he was beginning to feel a little strange about the guest.
Why wait until now to reveal that he was suspicious of CJ? Perhaps this could've been hinted at earlier... you know, besides just hesitating to let him in at first. Perhaps when Bookcase let him in, you could've included something like 'As Steel watch him walk into their home, he wasn't quite sure what to think of him.'
Jangles supressed the pain and it was gone again. “I’m okay… just a small stomach ache… uh… haven’t eaten in a bit.” he lied about that. He didn’t wish to tell anyone that he was sick, fearing they would throw him out-- even though what he had was not contagious.
I have an issue with this because, contagious or not, seeing someone sick would make them more wanting to help, not throw him out. Even more so if he explained that it's not contagious.
Perhaps rather than 'fearing they would throw him out--', it could be 'fearing they would grow too concerned and call a doctor and risk revealing his secret. That way, you don't even have to mention whether what he has is contagious or not.
who sat at the bottom right part of the table.
I didn't know tables had a "bottom right" part. I know that tables have tops, but that's just the general surface that you use. Perhaps you could've described Sun as sitting to CJ's right (if I interpreted their positions correctly).
However… Sun also noticed that Woddy and Lily seemed to have a slight hint of Jangles style too.
“You almost look like me.” said Woody.
This is more of a nitpick... and no, not the type that Mykan is referring to. But I feel like this would've worked better reversed.
'“You almost look like me.” said Woody.
At hearing this, Sun analyzed them and noticed that Woddy and Lily seemed to have a slight hint of Jangles style too.'
However… Sun also noticed that Woddy and Lily seemed to have a slight hint of Jangles style too.
Correction:
However… Sun also noticed that Woody and Lily seemed to have a slight hint of Jangles style too.
“And you’re a teacher and you live at Canterlot Palace?” asked Jangles.
“Sure am…” replied Sun “Princess Celestia is astounded by the way I handle the children of the palace staff so well.”
First of all, I find it highly unlikely that she would've lived in the palace. I'm pretty sure that not even Twilight lived in the palace. Granted, it's not clear where she lived. Secondly, there wouldn't be kids living at the palace, even if they're the kids of the palace staff. Finally, even if there were kids there, what reason is there for them not to be sent to a normal school? Why have an in palace teacher?
And so the chapter ends with CJ having his stomach pains (or whatever they are), the others getting worried about him and getting a doctor, and CJ worried that his cover will be blown.
This chapter wasn't as good as the first, but it wasn't bad either. I haven't read enough chapters to know if there's a pattern in the quality drop. But based on the first 2 chapters, I'd rate it 3/5. It's nothing special, but not horrible either. But there are still 5 more chapters to go, so I can't really call it yet.
I'd love it if my rating for the entire story was a 3/5. It would mean that I neither like it nor hate it. And that gets on Mykan's nerves because his all-or-nothing mindset says that I have to play into the false dichotomy of either liking it or hating it. He just can't stand the fact that indifference is a thing.
Your Changeling Lord King Cocoon has spoken.
I came across this whole Mykan debacle with fimfiction and MLP, months ago. Looking through all this and looking into more of it, I've gotten a pretty good view on this MLP crusade he leads. Which honestly has taught me quite a lot of things, about writing. Considering, I've been trying to write my own stories on this site, and always come up loosing confidence in myself, because I worry so much about pulling the characters into a new set of skin that isn't their own, and accidentally making them OC's.
And after diving more into all this, I've learned.
-Not to overdraw and blow up characters flaws, just because I don't like the character or them for their worst moments.
All Characters have flaws and this is what makes them engaging and enjoyable to put them in situations that the original creators didn't. And why we like them for who they are, but when their flaws are forcefully outweighing their positive sides, even when the positive outweighs their negatives, both can ruin the experience. But I do guess if it's done right, you can turn a character into something they weren't.
And adding a personal note to this, I don't like Pinkie, her hyperactive obnoxious personality just irks me. But I won't force her character in a bad light in writing due to me not liking her for who she is.
-Taking criticism into consideration, and not taking it personally, and if I do, that's my problem, not the person that is helping me in regard to improving me as a writer.
And admitting that Twilight is my favourite character besides Spike, It's pretty easy to figure out how I came upon all of this.
I hope you don't mind me putting this here, I honestly didn't know where else to express my thoughts on it, knowing what happens when you voice your own opinion on this certain subject.
5616878
I don't mind. It's fitting for what I'm doing in this series of blogs. And you made very good points, so it's all the more welcome in my opinion. And you basically pointed out two of the primary issues with Mykan's work. Mykan focuses on the negative aspects of characters and completely ignores the good aspects. If characters are defined solely on negative traits, then there's no such thing as a good character. If you remove the good traits from the Mane 6, you can potentially end up with... a decent villain team actually. And Mykan absolutely cannot accept constructive criticism. The only constructive criticism he's accepted from me were spelling and grammar errors that had no element of criticism in them.
5616907
Actually...
I accepted helpful criticism during my Yu-gi-oh fics when I made mistakes in the duels, because the guys were neither being hostile or suggesting the wrong thing. They just KINDLY pointed out what I did wrong.
5617478
That's not criticism. That's why I say you can't accept constructive criticism. Correcting someone isn't criticism. In other words, you never accepted helpful criticism, you just accepted corrections.
5617566
Which is STILL criticism...
Pointing out even the tiniest of flaws... it counts. Period... or do I need to drag up the Definition again?
5617613
You never brought up the definition before. You've just brought up the definition of nitpicking which is a form of criticism.
Pointing out errors doesn't fall under this definition, because it's not an expression of disapproval. At most, it can be a way to criticize. But just pointing out errors isn't inherently criticism on its own.
Pointing out errors may be able to squeeze into this definition, but only just. Pointing out errors may fall within the "analysis" part of the definition, but not the "judgment" part. In other words, pointing out errors would, at most, just fit into the broadest definition of criticism.