My dad broke me again- · 3:31pm Nov 17th, 2021
We are wearing a fake smile right now.
Our heart has broken in two and we are unsure if we want to keep living at all.
My dad decided to take me with him to go get some supplies for dinner
He uhm... made me doubt everything..
I'm only dealing with this whole trans thing because I have a thyroid issue and my dad doesn't want to lose his son
Quotes from my dad:
"This Felicity shit has got to stop!"
"I want my SON!"
"This is both from me and The Lord, but this isn't the right thing for you. He is VERY disappointed in you. He doesn't want you being this way."
"You pushed me away! *sobs*"
"I don't want to lose my SON.."
"You dare to defy Divine revelation??"
"Your mother prayed for a son first, and that's what she got. You want to take that away from her?"
"You're a boy, always has been, always will be"
"You'll NEVER be a girl! The Lord doesn't make mistakes!"
"This whole thing has made me lose sleep; I've been deathly worried for you."
"I CAN'T LOSE MY SON!"
What am I anymore…
"I don't know who got it in your head that we're manipulating you."
That means my sister said something.....
Why do I even stay.. I've done nothing but sin and sin and sin and I can't get ANYTHING RIGHT!!I'll never be the boy my dad wants me to be!
I'll never be a girl, EVER-!
I'm just a big fucking failure...
This is all some phase I'll be so perfectly fine and I'll be a normal guy one day and I'll look back and call myself stupid for believing anything else
i'm so scared
we're so scared
we're terrified to our core
the anger entity seems to have completely disappeared
dark sodelle is screaming in agony as she realizes she didn't get to destroy me herself
sodelle is sobbing her heart out
andrea locked herself away
regalia and marina are just hugging to try and calm each other
The new angsty teen with no name is gone
Zenria (serenity entity) seems to be lost
and I just
I'm crying so bad inside
I feel so wrong
so broken
I shouldn't be here
I shouldn't be here I'm not trans I can't be I never will be I just need to trust the lord and ignore my feelings simple as that, just turn them off, just leave them be, don't have them at all, things will be simpler, easier, i won't have to deal with shit like this
ugh-
*screams and cries*
That’s... a lot.
Let’s start off with the fact that a thyroid issue should have no bearing on gender dysphoria or anything like that. That’s because the thyroid isn’t part of your brain, and gender dysphoria is quite literally a psychological phenomenon.
I don’t know how much better this’ll make you feel, but sinning is part of human nature. In Protestant religions like Lutheranism, Calvinism, Puritanism, and likely Mormonism as well, it’s accepted that humans are born with ‘original sin’. While this can range from the Lutheran perspective, which is basically just ‘get baptized and believe and you’ll be saved’, to Calvinism, which is more like ‘God took a cheat day and didn’t put sin in us, now it’s your job to not screw it up’, the idea is the same, though I will admit that Mormonism is not one of the religions I know a lot about.
I’m gonna guess that given your family’s religion, I would believe that your state has so called ‘conversion camps’ and/or ‘conversion therapy’, but don’t be alarmed. That doesn’t really work at all.
You may ask why, but that brings me to my next point. It’s true, God, if He exists after all, doesn’t make mistakes. This includes trans people. Don’t panic, though, because it turns out that trans people are scientifically proven to be that way since birth. The Scientific American, and CNN, with two scientists, both make the case that trans people are indeed that way from birth. While The Scientific American focuses more on the fact that even sex isn’t a binary, CNN has some really good transgender studies linked.
So God creating you, and you happening to be trans, is not you putting feelings over facts. God doesn’t make mistakes, and you being trans isn’t a mistake, God created you to be that way, and you were intended to be trans.
And while I know that Mormonism is quite different from the religion I was raised in, I’d just like to point out that the generally accepted base canon by all Christian sects, The Bible, has absolutely nothing about trans people in it. I know the Mormons have their own books, but that’s my angle.
Let me conclude with the simple fact that if you feel better considering yourself a girl, and if you feel like you were born in the wrong gender, you are a girl, and nothing will change that.
5608334
I was preparing to write a long comment myself but I think you summed up my thoughts pretty accurately.
As someone with experience, I can only second this. If you are a girl, Felicity, nothing can change it. And we are here for you even if anyone else isn't. That's a fact, and I mean it. Truly.
You are like family to me and that means I'm not leaving you alone. And neither do others.
At this point, I only have one word of advice, Felicity:
Just run. Run away. Don't give a damn about money, or your siblings, or anything. Just run away, try to get help from welfare, and if that doesn't work out, run as far away as possible. Out of the country, if you need to.
Here's a song for you to listen to while you run:
Best wishes,
Joshua
5608466
I would if I could but I have almost no way to do so without something seeming off-
5608720
What would seem off? You have nothing to lose but your chains, my friend.
5608730
I would lose all my books and creative things that I've done that I want to keep, that I would need to keep a hold of because I'm so attached to them..
5608840
Alright, here's what you need to do: get a bag, stuff your "books and creative things" into it, if one bag's not enough get a friend to hold on to it for you. Repeat until everything's with your friend. Then run. Run as far as you can, and get help.
I remember you saying you aren't outing your parents because you don't want to traumatize your siblings, but the way I see it, you can't avoid traumatizing your siblings in one way or another at this point.
It's either "trauma from losing parents" or "trauma from parents", so I think it'd be better for them to have a safer environment to grow up in rather than ending up in a similar situation to yours.
When you endure a horrible situation and escape, look back at others who are at risk of also going through it and shout "NEVER AGAIN!"