Do I Subconsciously Hate Writing, or Something? · 3:48pm Aug 11th, 2021
"However good you are at chess, at some point you actually have to declare checkmate."
To summarize: I enjoy everything about story-crafting - character, worldbuilding, planned arcs, snappy quotable dialogue - except the act of penning prose. And I am NOT happy about that, because it really is like mastering chess and yet never winning a single match. After a while, what's the point?
It's even more bizarre because, by all rights, I otherwise thoroughly enjoy writing. I like revisiting what I've written, I like adapting new writing according to constructive criticism, I like doing the research and thrashing out concepts. I've even had lots of times I've enjoyed the act of writing. For goodness' sake, I've been doing this for at least a decade.
Yet this year I've been atrocious. Despite aiming to improve, I nearly spent the last forty days with no words whatsoever. That's a step backwards!
Something keeps resisting - every time I go to start some prose, I just suddenly freeze up, tense up - and I am goddamn sick of it. If I could claw it out, I would. Damn thing doesn't even tell me why it's acting up. I hate it.
Impossible Numbers, needing to vent. Badly. 🔥👿🔥
Perhaps the oddest and most convoluted problem for the writer to face is the fact that we do not like to write so much as we like to have written.
There's no great mystery there, though. It's work regardless of the joy it brings, and it can be numbingly painful even while smiling through it. The product tempts us to continue carving on stone tablets, but that glimpse into the future doesn't always help ease the task.
Of course, it may be that the fear of not having written is what ultimately prevents the writer from writing. In which case, there are two distinct remedies: taking a break and relearning through reading and enjoying other narratives, or forcing yourself to pen a word or two, or ten, just for a moment, to ease stiff muscles back into functionality.
What 5567056 said
I know the feeling. I have several stories kicking around in my head and have not penned any of them. I even have revisions and endings for stories that I've started and even put up here in full or in part, but done nothing beyond thought about them.
who doesn't? :B
Before I get into replies earnest...
Firstly, I want to thank you all for the comments. It's nice to know someone out here gets where I'm coming from, and the goodwill is much appreciated.
Secondly, a potentially promising observation: after I posted this OP, I did unexpectedly manage to get myself to write something. Over 9,000 words in three days on one single committed storyline. Then it suddenly dried up again, and I have no idea what changed, because I haven't improved since.
I also don't like the idea that I have to vent and go critical before I get another chance, because that doesn't sound healthy.
5567056
5567057
5567197
Tried both recently. The former's fine up until I start suspecting it's a distraction, and the latter just seems to make me dig in my heels at the moment of truth.
My best guess is it's some kind of performance anxiety, which is really annoying as I've been trying to loosen up my approach and focus more on the good parts of writing than on rubbish like fame and finished works (on the basis that "Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing"). I don't think it's sinking in...?
5567058
I'm starting to wonder if the problem began when I forbade myself from publishing half-finished stories. At the time, I just got sick of seeing a load of broken promises and didn't want to get anyone's hopes up again till I was sure I could meet said promises. Now, I'm starting to wonder if that might have been an unintentionally harmful act of self-stifling, because one thing that really frustrates me is spending hours on a single project that then dies and goes nowhere, and doesn't even have the decency to end in a conveniently publishable state. The hours wasted, man!
God, I relate so bloody hard to your "I have several stories kicking around in my head" bit, because I have dozens and dozens of the buggers. One of these days, I swear my head is going to go nuclear from the pressure. The trick will be finding the pressure release valve before that happens.
5572919
Congratulations on having a few days of heady productivity! I tend to think of writing like any other form of gymnastics (mental or otherwise): you have the capability, but for whatever reason the conditions aren’t right. Maybe you’re overworking yourself when the words are flowing (or when they’re not), maybe it’s stress, maybe there are distractions, maybe your brain needs more recovery time between sprints, maybe it’s performance anxiety, maybe your beverage of choice isn’t the right amount of fizzy… but the important thing to remember is you’ve got the ability. It’s there, and everything else about your writing regime and environment can be tweaked and prodded ad infinitum. Just keep trying, keep fiddling, and keep exercising those writing muscles however circumstances allow.
We rarely get to pick our superpowers; the best we can hope for is to end each week/month/year with a little more understanding of how they work and how best to use them.
And to be fair “not” is a perfectly acceptable answer too; I used the plural on superpowers for a reason. Being able to write well, even if it’s just in occasional sprints, doesn’t obligate you to make it your life’s one and only purpose.
5572956
Thank you. Man, did it leave too soon, but it was great while it lasted.
I think you're right: this often feels like a case where the muse is just picky and, worse, won't tell you where you're going wrong. I've tried taking breaks from this site and spending more time on it, micromanaging and just winging it, doing passion projects first and doing smaller exercises first... There's going to be a good-sized dent in the wall by the end of the year, I'll bet.
Did seem my radio silence this year might have contributed to the drop in writing levels, so maybe I should engage more, try a new blog series, or something, get the fandom inspiration going again? Thinking about it...
Probably not getting at the root cause, but have you tried "speaking" your stories instead of writing, e.g. using text to speech? I believe Google Docs has a text to speech function. https://support.google.com/docs/answer/4492226?hl=en
You can go back later then and clean up your ideas and any formatting.
Another side angle-> have more experiences in the physical world. Volunteer and talk with other volunteers (assuming all involved are taking appropriate anti-viral precautions), train for a fun run (and if running's boring, try to puzzle out new storylines based on what you see when running/training--imagine the stories behind what you see happening all around), try out a new hobby (then you can write about your trial/error process), read a non-fiction book about an interesting historical period or subject (e.g. biology, geometry, etc.) or a biography of someone who on the surface is very different from you (different background, socioeconomic status, gender, etc.), read a genre of fiction you don't usually read (e.g. if you never read romance, give a popular one a try; if you never read sci-fi, try that out) etc.
Best wishes!