Adjustments · 9:11am Jul 31st, 2021
Greetings from Cali Fimfictioners!
It's been almost two weeks on the dot since I moved and I've been making lots of adjustments. Probably the hardest has been with Lazer (my dog). My bro Sam (so far) is Mildly allergic to him so he has to stay in my room apart from bathroom breaks. I'm getting a bunch of products to help give him his first bath since the men in my old house never taught me how to do it properly, and I was too scared to ask. What little leftover money I have from my check this month is pretty much going to him, apart from some set aside to get a new state ID.
I suppose I never realized what a privilege it was to have some money left over in my check for myself after paying all the bills until now. Everything I have left is going toward getting Lazer food, grooming supplies, and a State ID for myself so that I can eventually get a job. It feels weird that there isn't room for fun things in the budget, like being able to get new towels for the bathroom or going to Starbucks to get a coffee or making four payments of $78 to be able to get a really cool pair of sunglasses that also would double as headphones (open ear headphones! I have been waiting for this for my whole life! All the privacy of headphones with nothing hurting your ears! I love that!). I guess you never really appreciate stuff like that until you're out on your own.
The other huge adjustment has come with loneliness. My bro Sam is just down the hall and usually we meet up for meals and sometimes to write or drink together but more often than not I feel bad about leaving Lazer alone and I don't go out more often like I want to because I feel bad that he can't come. I can hear him cry when I go to cook or get water or do laundry and it kills me. He has mega separation anxiety and It's so hard to find that balance of meeting my own needs and also caring for his. It's a weird place to be.
The vast majority of the other adjustments in my life, however, have been overwhelmingly positive. I've been doing skin care twice a day (My little thing I do every day for me) and my skin is clearing up amazingly. I actually bleached my hair for the first time (without help from a friend anyways) on my own this past week in celebration of a new life and it actually turned out really decent. The fact that I could do that proved to me that even if I don't know everything I need to yet in life I can still learn it on my own. I've also started cooking every day. That has come with it's own set of challenges (The biggest being expanding my cooking horizons) but being able to feel like I can go and get food is beautiful. And HAVING MY OWN BATHROOM. Oh my GOD you guys. I remember going into that shower for the first time and SOBBING because I would never have to hurt myself waiting for it to be safe to go use the bathroom. I Thank God for that privilege every freaking day because honestly what a blessing.
And holy crap, Sam's dad is actually a nice dude and totally not scary. I have been simultaneously confused and yet utterly grateful for this. Lazer is very wary of all dudes (And rightfully so considering what he lived with before) but his Dad stills says hi to him and gives him Bologna even though he barks when he comes in. To actually be treated with respect and like an actual human being with thoughts, opinions, and needs is absolutely amazing. I don't think I realized how used to my toxic environment I was until Sam's dad gave me a hug today and said he appreciated me. I literally cannot remember the last time I heard any dude say that to me. I almost cried, I can't lie.
I also have quit smoking, and have been 14 days clean of it. I started trying to exercise too. It's a small goal, maybe 10 minutes a day but it's achievable and that's a good thing. Sam and I both want to join a gym but I'm definitely gonna have to wait a while on that until there's some money to spare. Sam has been talking about how I could possibly meet up with his mom's friend at Apple and it is definitely giving me hope for the future.
My own family, as per usual, is full of chaos. The week before I left for here my cousin asked my uncle to puppysit the 8 dogs his dog had given birth do so he and his wife could show off their condo to sell and my uncle ended up keeping one. He, of course, has left the brunt of raising the puppy to my mom, who is getting ready to go back to work next week. The last thing she needs is to worry about a puppy bothering our disabled older dog or chewing on cords (both of which have happened) but there it is. I call mom every day though and it's still amazing to see her. My dad tells me how much he misses me and Lazer when I talk with him, and while I know there is truth in that I think a lot of it is that he misses the convenience of being able to ask me to help with the dogs or with cigarette money. I do miss him in a way I suppose- he is my dad after all- but mostly I'm glad to be free.
Sleep is probably the hardest thing to adjust to- sleeping in a new house, I almost never sleep easy- but I'm hopeful I'll get there and be able to rest again. I have been creating fics still, though. If you guys check out ttfan111robstar1 on Ao3, you'll see I've been working on a ton of stuff for the Descendants fandom. I haven't stopped creating, I just am not in with MLP at the moment. But when I get there, I shall be back here churning out new content for y'all.
Until then, I'll update this little blog periodically. Thank you guys for listening to my ramblings anyways. It's been a weird ride to get to this point but I hope you guys know I'm really glad you all were along with me. Sometimes the only thing we have at the end is the support of other people, and you guys have really helped me through some dark times in my life. So thank you all for being awesome and sticking with me through all this crap. I know I'm not always the most positive person there is but I try and be as balanced as I can at the time.
Sending Love and Positivity to all of you,
Cloe
Congrats on things getting better.
This is very good.
I remember when I had first started following you a year or so ago, I would see your updates on how, well, not good you were doing. I’m glad to see your doing well!
Good for you, You deserve to change your life around to better yourself