This time, it was only kinda my fault. · 5:56pm Mar 11th, 2021
If you've been paying attention, you might notice that Super is still incomplete. There are multiple reasons for this.
1) I lost an entire day's worth of work on it. It didn't save, it never auto saved during the multiple hours I worked on it, or whatever, that whole day was just gone when I went to work on it the next day.
2) Naturally, I was pretty depressed after that and it's been difficult to get back to it. To vent or something, I ended up picking back up an older story and working on that, going so far as to add 15K words to it and finish it. I keep trying to go back to super, but at most I'll get a few paragraphs down and then try to find something else to do.
3) I was recently told that I'm being let go from my job. I have until the end of April to find something else. I'm fairly confident that I can, but it was a blow to my already poor mental state. As I always find the stories I write to be predictive, here's a line of that thing I wrote:
I’m drowning, Mac. I don’t think I can be saved. It feels like the world is ending around me and I don’t know what to do about it.
Maybe this has been a long time coming, but I think I'm prone to despair. I fall into it easily, which sets me up for inaction, and then I do... nothing. What I didn't think until recently, is that I've been stuck in this loop since high school ended. This is the default state, and getting away from it is the temporary, bound to fall apart at the slightest push. Being lost with no direction other than fulfilling my own ideas though art or stories. No plan, no drive, understanding of what to do next, where do I go from here?
Mine isn't the kind of personality that it comes easy to forge confidence out of inexperience. Out of the small window of where the things I'm passionate about ends, the confidence, the impulse decisions, the ability to rush recklessly simply disappears. Timidity doesn't suit me, but it's against my nature to be social too, so where does that leave me but in my own little awkward quagmire?
It's always been like this. I can pound my fist against the wall as long as I can stand to do it, but the moment my fist breaks, I give up and go back to my hole where I belong. Stuck, feeling like no matter what I do there's no way forward, I have a tendency to flirt with suicide. Every time I see it, it just looks a little more attractive.
However, that's now how the story ends. Also from the same story:
If ya see what looks like a dead end at the end of your road, just remember, ya might be short sighted. If ya keep going down that road, you never know when there’s a corner ta turn right when it looks like you’re at the edge.
Difficult, but not the worst it's ever been or could be. The outlook isn't great, I'm not sure which way to turn or where to go, but I'll at least take a step. One by one, I'll meander and wander in an effort to feel my way out until, eventually, I find it. Because, after all, you never know what's just around the corner.
I do sincerely hope things get better for you.
You seem like an amazing person in a pretty bad situation, but you can do this!
Once you hit rock bottom(even if its only rock bottom for this situation), there's nowhere to go but up!
I've been there before man. I hope things pan out for ya.
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Thanks for the kind words.