fJd Review: The Music Box by Indigo Lightning Strike · 4:44pm Nov 1st, 2020
Overview:
This is an OC Anthro story about reflection, looking back, and coming to an end.
My Thoughts:
It’s a rather rough write. The story concept isn’t terrible, is, in fact, quite meaningful. The execution is a bit clumsy, and quite poorly paced. From the beginning we have the main character looking back, but specifically mentioning her mother’s voice in a lullaby, only to flash back to two things that aren’t even close to that in rapid succession with no real description. Such vignettes might be better served with more context, more description. The character’s feelings at those moments in time, perhaps some idea of what was going on. Where in the house this took place? There’s so little context to work with here.
It was strange, though, that the set up (Where the character first talks about what their thinking back to) didn’t sync with the vignettes until the very end.
I think this story suffers the most from that, really. It needs a lot of work, and the attention of an editor. Context, descriptors, these are important too. The character’s thinking is nice, though the story did more telling than showing in critical areas. Such as finishing the book at the fireplace, where the author might have said that the character had brushed tears from her eyes after finishing the book, it was more laid out for me.
Another note is that while meaningful items (Book, Music Box) are mentioned, they are given very little detail. It’s important to draw the reader into the story being told, give them details to think about and visualize. Lacking this, it was a much drier read than I was prepared for. The book doesn’t have a title, or a subject, we’re not even sure whether its fiction.
So, I can’t quite figure out whether the OC was suicidal, or simply very old and at the end of their life. This is another thing that could use clarification.
Another thing is that the titular music box is added almost as an afterthought, so I got the impression the title came from that rather than it coming from the title.
So, in the end, what I’m saying is that there’s a great deal of room for improvement, that there is a lot of polish that can be applied. It is my hope that the author takes this to heart, and works on the finer details. This has potential.
Characterization:
There’s little of that going on here. The OC (never named) is an anthro (pony?) who is remembering bits of the past. And preparing to move on into the afterlife. There’s not much more to it than that.
Character Development:
We’re brought in to the story at the end of the OC’s life, so the development has largely already happened. And what little we’re invited to witness is so thin on detail we don’t really get a great feel for the character or her family. I hope that this story will be revised, it’s got potential and I don’t want to see that going to waste.
Theme:
Mourning, Reflecting, Looking Back, Moving Forward. These 4 items cover the thematic elements of the story pretty concisely. It kept with that theme, but it rushed to get to the end.
Logic:
Setting up a flashback, only to use an entirely different flashback, didn’t make much sense to me. I feel like part of this was experimental for the author, and if that is so then I want to encourage the author to continue working at this.
Rating:
Story Idea: 7.5
Writing Style: 4.0
Entertainment Factor: 5.0
Inner Logic: 5.0
Final: 5.38
Feedback/Final Thoughts:
Honestly. It’s a number. It’s my lowest so far, that’s true. But I want to encourage the author to look past that, take on the feedback, and try adding to this story. It feels like a work in progress, something that’s just waiting for polish to shine. So don’t give up.
