fJd Review: Friendship is Magic - Extended Cut by AdmiralSakai · 4:38pm Nov 1st, 2020
Overview:
You take MLP:FiM, the first 2 episodes, and you crank up the darkness (no pun intended) by a factor of 50, the adventure by a factor of 100, and the danger you just blow through the roof. So, like it says on the packaging: It’s a mature adventure take on the original 2 episodes. The quality of it suggests a passion project, and quite a project it turns out to be.
My Thoughts:
The tension, suspense, and overall atmosphere in this story really are superbly executed. Even as it was recently reinvented to include new information. While I often find fight scene choreography rather unenjoyable, this author manages to write quite spectacularly, and with realistic odds. We’re talking about untrained mares going up against trained soldiers, it is not to be expected that they would mop the floor with them. The fights reflect that quite well, without being too overwhelming or underwhelming, and the action being near edge-of-your-seat in quality. So the typical D&D-based “Damage Sponges” that are the meat and potatoes of the system aren’t present here, and it’s refreshing. The girls are in real danger much of the time, and it is clear and the tension builds upon that every bit as much as anything else does.
The tricks that Nightmare Moon used have been updated, and so to have the means by which the mares overcome them, to reflect the mature setting in which this story takes place. All done so well, so believably, that this might be preferred over the original based on that alone. Of course, because Pinkie Pie, often times the meta quality is also terrific.
Characterization:
Canon
Preface: I just want to note, in fairness, that resolving character traits for the purpose of molding them to fit a particular type of setting is a challenging undertaking. As such, while I am looking for some resemblance to their core counterparts, I am not worried about the significant differences the reader is faced with, with respect to the characters they know and love. There should be little difficulty in finding those same ponies somewhere deep inside of these new versions, affected differently by a very different timeline and events. In fact, the author juggled 38 characters by my count, to varying degrees of detail and presence. Did a fine job of it, too.
Twilight Sparkle
Overzealous study. Comprehensive presentation complete with notes and visual aids? Oh yes, yes. Protégé to Princess Celestia? You bet. Isolated, non-social? Yes. And then things get interesting: She’s a bit stuck-up, though not in any obvious way and not too outwardly, though enough to be a bit offensive. She’s also not terribly honest. All in all, though, not unfaithful to the core of Canon Twi. I think the best feature is the way the narrative focuses on the way in which she perceives the world, even if that also works out to be something of a weakness for this fic.
Princess Celestia
If the canon Celestia was a bit too secretive, then she’s still got nothing on this version. While not evil by any stretch of the mind, she is, or appears to be, rather foolish in the way she does things. Either that, or there’s more at work than meets the eye. Still, fairly faithful to the core of Celestia, with a greater emphasis on despondence after Luna’s banishment.
Spike
There’s a greater emphasis on his reptilian characteristics, an implied sibilance to his speech and a greater talent for moving stealthily. He’s far more confidence and mentally capable than canon, better respected by Twilight, and in general carries himself very differently from his canon counterpart. I like this version of Spike, it’s a more faithful take on his dragon lineage. He’s more mature, by far, than his counterpart at this time.
Pinkie Pie
The zany over-the-top 4th-wall-breaking reality-bending entity that is Pinkie Pie has been tamed. But realistically. She thrives on jokes and puns, and not terrible ones either, and while she might say absurd things, there’s a kernel of sense and logic in just about everything she has to say. It’s an interesting variation on Pinkie’s personality, but it doesn’t lose the core of her character. As well to the author’s credit are the numerous gags inserted deftly into conversation and narrative both. It seems Pinkie is a bit more in-depth a character in this ‘verse than in Canon, and I like that.
Scootaloo
Well. Hers wasn’t exactly a key presence in the story. She had… perhaps two lines? That was sufficient, she came across like the canon Scootaloo in her general reckless approach to life and the pursuit of cutie ma- I mean happiness.
Sweetie Belle
Same as Scootaloo, but not reckless. Still, she and Scoots shared precious little screen time with anypony else.
Councilpony Mayor Mare
The author paid a good deal of attention to detail with regard to politics, even on the smallest scale, and so the town of Ponyville was not run by a single individual but a governing body composed of Councilponies. In this regard, Mayor Mare appeared to have the role of senior or head in capacity. The Mayor, on screen, was always a bit talky and politician for my tastes, and that didn’t translate into this version. I respected this version, she worked together with others and did much less speechifying. Not that that is necessarily a flaw in the original article. At any rate, this was a quality fleshing out to an alternate take on the character.
Councilpony Derpy Hooves
Indeed, our beloved Derpy has a position of importance within the local government, and she isn’t a ditz about it either. A little slow, marked impairment in her speech (at least according to Twilight), but capable nevertheless. I found this to be a respectable incarnation of Derpy/Ditzy/Muffins/Bright Eyes. Good job here.
Councilpony Cheerilee
Another of the Councilponies, they were all introduced in sequence (more or less) so that’s why they’re clustered together here. Cheerilee’s personality hasn’t much time to shine through here, and since her role isn’t as important as it might otherwise have been, that isn’t really critical here. Still, for what we do see of her, I’m satisfied.
Councilpony Amethyst Star
Being something of a sandbox, she’s difficult to really rate. Still, what I saw of her in the Council Room was pretty good compared to the little she appeared and spoke on the show. As organized and professional as ever.
Councilpony Granny Smith
Kind of necessary, given she founded the town. She’s also a veteran. The reinvention of Granny is pretty well done. She doesn’t spend a lot of time talking, or even in action, but she does play a role. It’s just cool to see how AdmiralSakai changed each character, without really straying from the core element of that character.
Rarity
You know, you might think that taking the Fashionista of the mare might make her wildly different, but you’d be wrong. While her grand dreams don’t quite involve revolutionizing the fashion industry, she still has an eye of the aesthetically pleasing and even the practical, but her particular skillset has been repurposed intelligently for the setting, she can work with light armor. Little else changed, though she’s much less finicky and OCD in this setting than in the canon, which I don’t see as a downfall. None of the characters were engineered to be theatrical, just varied without losing the core of what makes them who they are.
Fluttershy
So, Fluttershy here is something like she is from Season 6 and onward. She’s bold, much less timid, and easily as brave as any of her friends. She’s wise, and of course compassionate. She’s exceptionally good with the little furry critters and creatures. So what’s different? She didn’t need a lot of modification to fit in, actually, except for her overwhelming shyness that was characteristic throughout the first and second seasons especially. I found her very believable for Fluttershy in the setting, without also finding her weak at all. Bravo.
Applejack
Blunt, honest, and pretty damn good at seeing through lies. She also does not like lies or liars. Applejack is, if I had to choose from the D&D class list, either a Barbarian or a Fighter. Since she’s not illiterate, nor prone to bouts of rage, I have to settle for fighter. She’s actually quite level-headed, and in this story her role in the Everfree is so much better written than in canon. For this reason alone the read is worth it, to see how AdmiralSakai re-writes the Everfree Trials.
Rainbow Dash
Brash, unprofessional (to a degree), but awesome, fast, and skilled. She’s pretty much Rainbow Dash, it’s hard to go wrong with her in this setting. She’s even still sporting the bravado. I was definitely pleased with Rainbow’s turn at the Everfree Trials as well, and thankful that the clumsy wording of the canon was ditched in favor of the new and better set-up featured in this story.
Nightmare Moon
Oh man. Such a marvelous revamp. It wouldn’t fit with the Nightmare-verse from “Cutie Re-Mark” but it works so well in this story, just as a concept. She’s quite powerful, a point of confusion for Twilight all too often, and she’s a trickster before anything else. Yes, she’s cruel and merciless, doesn’t think twice about killing off those that might interfere, but she just goes a step further and really puts in the effort to be a pain the behind. The personality is spot on for Nightmare Moon. Just the arrogance, the delivery, and the overall atmosphere when she’s present and speaking provides scads of intimidation.
Nurse Redheart
Precious little screen time for her, she’s more like an extra. But that doesn’t mean that thought wasn’t given to her execution. Even with just 1 line she resembles Redheart so much and yet there’s a hint of variance, of something more appropriate to this setting than the canon, and it’s astounding to fit that all into one line.
Shining Armor
No more is he discarded and forgotten for almost 2 seasons, brought up just in time to support a new storyline. No, he’s been there all along, even going so far to have been part of her upbringing and still in correspondence with her this early on. It means that she’s quite at socially isolated as in the original, though still pretty isolated. Anyway, enough about Twily. It’s Shiny time, and he’s the consummate professional soldier. Commander of the Royal Guard (just as in charge as Captain, but with a cooler sounding title). However, circumstances are set-up such that he does not interfere with Twily’s “quest.”
Princess Luna
The timid, young, newly cleansed Princess Luna is more damaged, more scarred than the original. It’s more realistic considering the raw power directed at Nightmare Moon, so she doesn’t immediately beg forgiveness or even speak. She’s weakened, considerably, and takes time to recover. Still, once she does, she’s so very sorry. She’s done so well, too. Very true to the original, yet deeper and darker.
Original Character
Paper Clip
What an interesting character. He’s a historical figure, whose history is not accurately recorded, which is how he wanted it anyway. So the mystery begins with him, and that’s where Twilight begins to unravel things. I don’t often like OCs, I usually find them too… self aggrandizing. There’s nothing like that going on with Paper Clip. He wasn’t a hero, not really. The history and the character are well done.
Firefly
Not a mare. Just to be clear. And not related, it seems, to Rainbow Dash’s pony predecessor/inspiration. Not a strong character, and by that I’m referring to presence, but a character with worth just the same. It’s just that most of that spotlight usually belongs to Paper Clip.
Escritoire
Same with Escritoire, she’s often playing understudy to Clip’s prominent role in Equestrian history. Now that doesn’t mean there are any hard feelings, it’s just how it was written. Still a solid character, with her own personality and quirks.
Forward March
Well. She didn’t get all that far. She was something of a throwaway, though not to the extent that she wasn’t fleshed out and given personality. No, she had that. It’s just that she wasn’t the central point of this story, nor was her role all that major. Still, even with the most minor characters, this author takes care to flesh them out.
Foxglove
An interesting character. Speaks wholly in Old Ponish, though structure and context make it easier to follow than Shakespeare. Like with most of the invading Lunars, a timid one too.
Smoky Mirror
A unicorn swordsstallion, partnered with Foxglove. A touch paranoid, I suppose. Anyway, as with all the other OCs, this one had a unique personality and it was played out well in subsequent chapters. Overall, the effect was of an uncertain Lunar brought into the fold and, though loyal to his Sovereign Moon Maiden, is unsure about those he is meant to be against.
Vortex
Much less conflicted. He is also one half of the first real fight scene in the story. The other half being Rainbow Dash. It’s quite something to read a fight scene that is actually good. It wasn’t about the violence, or the injuries, or potential gore, since that wasn’t quite how it worked out, not, it was the choreography. It was the movements, the parries, dodges, the reversals, and the desperation tactics. The thing was, it was also a well-balanced fight. Neither side had so much of an upper hoof as to make it an unfair match-up.
Beaten Track
So. I can’t too much about this character without also giving out a huge spoiler. Suffice to say that this character is proof that the author cares about all of their OCs, taking the time to create ad flesh them out beautifully.
Further OC
I had written up the list before I had finished the fic, so I didn’t know there would be 15 more OCs to go over. It’s a lot, so I want to just sum it all up as I have previously: The author consistently showed thoughtfulness in the creation of individual OCs in that they were in fact individuals unto themselves with unique personalities and traits that were well played in the execution of their characters.
Character Development:
Holy cow. There’s so much of it. So much. I’ll start with Twilight Sparkle, since she’s the main character, the character from whom most all PoV is drawn. Actually, that’s the thing, the growth is more in the subtle details such as her closeness to characters, her honesty versus her initial penchant for deception. This author has a pretty good grasp of show, don’t tell. There’s so much going on within the character’s mind that you almost forget to care about what’s going on around them. Twilight’s interactions with the other 5 mares is initially stand-offish, and not always (or usually) honest. She ends up pissing Applejack off, and ditching Pinkie Pie, and it’s just so much to take in all at once. The point is that all the characters, including the myriad OCs even with the smallest roles, do grow. They change, adapt, and accept the changes in the world around them. Some are more stubborn than others, but eventually even the earth moves. It’s so astounding how much attention to detail is paid in this story. So character development is not an issue here, it’s a big strength.
Theme:
A dark, mature, adventure-esque variation on the first 2 episodes of Friendship is Magic. It works so well. I’d be so glued to the TV if this were fully animated and voiced and performed and whatever else. It’s so riveting in that the fights are all balanced, there is no clear victor at the beginning of any fight, and the set-up is done so that the mares have to work together to stand any chance at all in a fight. The theme is carried through very well, with none of the broken mechanics of D&D getting in the way. There is no unstoppable hero here, they’re all flawed and have their weaknesses. Often their weaknesses outweigh their strengths. You find yourself both rooting for them and scared for them, or at least I did. I was amazed at how much I was on the edge of my seat as I was reading. Even if I had to pause rather frequently either to research or process an error.
Logic:
Given the balance of the fights, the overall realism of the dangers, and the ways in which the characters’ variations were executed to stay faithful to the Everfree Trails while simultaneously upgrading them where needed and so making them feel less ridiculous, the logic in this story is quite sound.
Rating:
Story Idea: 9.0
(A solid concept, well executed, and one I hope to see done with further episodes.)
Writing Style: 5.0
(It was so hard to gauge this, on the one hand the prose is of high quality and the visuals are very good. On the other hoof, it’s difficult to read a story when some of the visuals depend upon words that are quite archaic and require research. It is also difficult to read when the punctuation is so out of whack. So I had to rate this lower than I would have liked.)
Entertainment Factor: 9.0
(Definitely entertaining. Edge of my seat, attention-gripping action. Pinkie might say “Hoof Biting Action Overload!”)
Inner Logic: 8.0
(There’s not much going wrong with this one. The characters were matured and modified to better fit the setting and the plot, and that was done quite expertly. Given the nature of the story, I would even go so far as to say it was genius. However, the difficulties in reading the story on a fundamental level make this harder for me to score. I can go higher here than in writing style though.)
Final: 7.55
Feedback/Final Thoughts:
My biggest concern was that I so often had to stop and research a word here and there. That might not be a problem if it’s a word in dialogue and context can help to fill it out, but that just wasn’t always, or usually, the case in this story. Context did little to avail me the meaning of “Gaolment” on first pass, and research didn’t help me to find it anywhere at first, so that was time taken out of actually reading the story. Same with a few other words. Even if the experience of learning new words can be quite fun for me, having to pause so often while reading just ends up frustrating.
I would also advise the author to improve on the use of punctuation and critical pauses that better the flow of the reading. While it is admirable to avoid throwing commas around like confetti, it is quite another to be too conservative with them. Without them, you managed to create 65 word long sentences with breakneck pacing and little hints as to proper divisions for reading tone. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but it can be important. Just as learning not to use too many and create absurd run-on sentences is important. It is possible to go too far the other way.
Lastly, I just want to say that this style of story, the theme, the characters, and the overall intensity of the adventure, really caught my attention. That said, I’m now wanting to see a similar take on episodes like “The Return of Harmony”, “A Canterlot Wedding”, “The Crystal Empire”, “Princess Twilight Sparkle”, “Twilight’s Kingdom”, and so on and so forth. Looks like the intervening episodes can be turned into a rich history closer fitting the setting too. It definitely seems like a winning formula to me. In fact, I was disappointed to see only 1 story listed under AdmiralSakai. It seems like there should be so much more from an author of this caliber.
Bonus Content: Words I Had To Define
· Gaolment (Welsh)
o Relationship
o Or, possibly, the English spelling of “Jail” as “Gaol” with “ment” attached.
· Majuscule
o (of letters) capital.
o large, as either capital or uncial letters.
o written in such letters (opposed to minuscule).
· Postdoc
o a postdoctoral award or scholar.
· Escritoire
o a writing desk
· Ambit
o circumference; circuit.
o boundary; limit.
o a sphere of operation or influence; range; scope:
§ the ambit of such an action.
· Fext
o A Fext is a mythical undead creature in Slavic mythology. Its origins are found in the terrors of the Thirty Years' War (17th century) in central Europe. It is said that the Fext is invincible to bullets, except bullets made of glass. Some of the great generals of that time were called Fexts because of their assumed immortality.
· Chirurgeon
o An archaic word for “surgeon”
· Strategos
o An army leader
· Sabatons
o The foot covering part of a knight’s armor.
· Lancepesade
o A grade within the rank of private, either assigned as assistants to corporals or performed the duties of corporals themselves. A grade within the rank of corporal; also called lance corporals.
· Gewgaw
o something gaudy and useless; trinket; bauble.
· Noctilucent
o (of high-altitude clouds) visible during the short night of the summer.
· Geometer
o (British English) a person who is practiced in or who studies geometry
· Suppurating
o producing or discharging pus, as a wound; maturate.
· Chelicerae
o Members of the first pair of usually pincerlike appendages of spiders and other arachnids.
· Theodolite
o Surveying. a precision instrument having a telescopic sight for establishing horizontal and sometimes vertical angles.Compare transit (def. 6).
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