Trying to figure out what went wrong with this story...

This is pretty much a re-post of this request: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/924/i-just-want-a-comment/thread/449503/trying-to-figure-out-what-went-wrong-with-this-thing

I'm looking for some feedback on a story:

TA Fading Mirage of Friendship

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Slice of Life
• Tragedy

Twilight has everything going for her. She is an Element of Magic, has loyal friends, and now she's become the princess of the whole Equestria. It's like a dream come true. Too bad, all dreams must come to an end...

• Death
• Twilight
• Main 6

Huk · 2.2k words  ·  29  4 · 1.2k views

This thing got almost no traction, and I'm trying to figure out why. I tried reading and re-reading, listening, and re-listening, but... it seems fine to me. I'm at a loss...

It's only about 2200 words... any chance to give it a go and tell me what I did wrong ?

P.S.

If you're a part of the 'I Just Want a Comment' group, please post your feedback in the linked thread, if not, post it here .

Comments

[TheAncientPolitzanian]

I found the concept banal, and its execution failed to compensate for that; for one, the first three quarters of the story's text were rendered almost completely pointless by the twist.

It was a good try, mind you; it just didn't pan out in my eyes.

[Huk]

5366483

Hmm, that was kind of a point - to show the contrast between Twilight's happy dreamland, and the grim reality. My aim was pretty much something like this:

I guess it didn't work out that well...

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it