Day ??? · 10:10pm Sep 25th, 2020
I've decided not to continue the experiment.
Despite most of me being willing and able to write, another part of me very strongly doesn't want to write (fiction, that is; the blog posts themselves clearly haven't been short!). At least, at the moment. Alas, this behind-the-scenes attempt to open it up hasn't worked as intended.
While I might post blog entries more often, and on various topics, I will not post daily, and not in this rigid, structured way.
If anything, I'm beginning to believe what I want out of this fandom is at odds with what the fandom itself can provide anymore. Although I still delight in rewatching the show for fun, I don't feel connected to the community the same way I did all those years ago (even though most of what I wrote years ago was primitive).
This isn't some nonsense about "outgrowing the show" (I don't equate maturity with acting like so-called "childish" things have nothing of value) or "moving on from fan fiction" (which betrays nothing but a patronizing view of fan fiction itself). This boils down to me wanting and not wanting to do something at the same time, and needing to think about that and reconsider my approach.
Looking back, I have enjoyed rich and energizing moments when I've felt on fire and in the zone. Nevertheless, I haven't ever fundamentally been satisfied with my overall track record. Yet neither have I shown clear enough signs of improving (if anything, the last two years suggest a big step back). Unless I find a fresh new angle of approach, I don't see that picture changing anytime soon.
I guarantee nothing. I'm no longer confident enough to make firm predictions about my own success in this endeavour. Any such success would almost certainly be chaotic and haphazard, and therefore unsatisfactory.
Frankly, I don't know what I'm doing.
I neither understand my own self-limiting block nor have any method of cleanly removing it. Its existence is unwanted but persistent. It makes me incompetent. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to see it annihilated permanently.
Until then, I will keep looking for a way through. That's as much as I can say for sure.
That's all for now. Impossible Numbers, out.
I see. Here's hoping you find the answers you're looking for soon.
5364167
Thanks, but I find it hard to rely on hope all that much. I'm starting to wonder if this is (figuratively speaking) a disease with no cure, only palliatives at best. Only one way to find out.
5364220
I appreciate your concern: I wouldn't use it lightly to describe other people. Applied to myself, though, it just strikes me as accuracy, not harshness (I'll know it's harshness when I start getting profane, perfectionistic, and malicious about it).
In this case, I've set achievable goals and repeatedly failed to meet them, even the ones designed to be as easy as seems reasonable. I aim for a professional, competent standard of reliability and results, so by my reckoning I am indeed "incompetent" if I don't meet it.
I know it sounds strange and cold to some people, but I want to think I'm being practical-minded and honest about this. Yes, I've done some good stuff, but I could be so much better.
Me too. My goodness, me too.
I just hope I'm that lucky.
It sounds like you're stating to feel burned out towards writing. If you aren't feeling satisfied about writing now, I doubt pushing yourself to continue will help. Burnout is a problem with no easy solution other than to take as long a break as you need. Over time, I'm sure you'll feel that writing itch again.
5364504
I think you're right. Unfortunate as it is, I can get way too obsessive at times without realizing it: it just seems like straightforward work, and then I wonder why I'm starting to avoid it.
A break could be the thing, at least to cheer myself up more generally. I dare say the itch will turn up again, yes.
5364607
That seems to be the issue to me, too. Forcing yourself to write when you suffer from a burnout does not do the trick. Doing that either leads to pain (not figuratively, literally) or where nothing you write feels good. I even suspect that the latter is a protective mechanism of your brain to keep you from writing when you shouldn't, since my burnout with "Dreamwalker Dash" in March. That burnout led to writer's block, so it seems like your brain sometimes discourages you from writing to protect your health.
Maybe you really make too much of a chore out of writing. Though, the solution is probably simpler than that: You had a bad time with writing for a while, now you push yourself all the harder to compensate for the lack of output and with that, you have simply overdone it and driven your brain to exhaustion.
In short, take a break. Kick back, watch some movies, play some games, relaxing ones, with a calming and soothing atmosphere. Then start writing again when you don't feel pressure in your head anymore and once you feel inspired. That should make it better.
I regret that I haven't read the blog entries about your week-long project yet. I feel I could have been of assistance, but own writing and other stuff that I needed to clear up to make writing go smoother got into the way of that and I missed it all.
I hope to read them at least in hindsight.
My own writing has gotten better a bit again. Still struggling with weekly updates, but I put more words into "A Storm on the Horizon of the Arcane World" yesterday, I finally made some headway for my first (and so far, only) Patreon commission again and I got 906 words into a new short story project today. Especially the third story went very smooth, the smoothest writing I had in months. Things are getting more organized and steady again on my front and I hope the same will soon happen to you as well.
I once made a promise to myself that I would write diligently, every day, just as all the experts told me to, and it damn near killed my ability to write at all. I'm still not recovered from that, well over a year later, and it explains a lot of my own personal radio silence of late.
You gotta do what works for you.
5364764
Sounds plausible enough to me. A lot of biological things come down to balance: if someone's feeling funny, it's usually because they're either doing too much or doing too little (or eating too much/too little, or exercising too much/too little, etc.). I know it's a bad idea to treat the body like a machine when it's much too organic and complicated to be so naively used. Why should the mind be any different?
It's funny you should mention that, because I have had bad cases of thinking, "OK, I didn't write anything yesterday, so I'll write twice as much today to compensate." I don't usually follow through with it anymore, but it does feel a bit of a strain when I'm thinking maybe I ought to.
Don't worry about it. I knew when I started out there was no obligation or guarantee on anyone else. What am I gonna do, complain to the manager if people don't comment?
Honestly, that cheers me up a lot. It's nice to think at least one of us has found the trail again and is well on their way. I never tried a Patreon commission (I don't trust Patreon yet, nor do I take commissions), but so long as it works for you, that's the thing. Hoping to get back into the game myself... after I've taken a step back and some R and R, of course.
5364830
Long ago, I set myself daily targets for writing, consistent and "optimal". The last few years can basically be summed up as me working against the fact that it just ain't gonna happen. As Fluttercheer said, that's when it turns into a chore.
Now you mention it, a lot of the long-runners seem to have gone silent too. Sure hope this thing isn't catching.
If nothing else, I'd like to think you'll have a quick recovery time soon enough.
Indeed. Couldn't have put it better myself.
This is one of those things that is so difficult to explain, that I worry I won’t make any sense. Not because I’m going over anyone’s head here, but because I myself don’t have a full grasp or understanding of what could be construed as satisfying answers.
Artistry is a journey. Each new genre and new medium is a new land to explore, a new world to enjoy. MLP FiM is special because it crossed many genre lines, many times. It was a world that kept expanding, and continued to offer more possible material, even as such expansions closed off previously explored possibilities.
Now that being said, journeys are fraught with perils and delays. You can only do your best to push on in the face of adversity, so you needn’t blame yourself for any setbacks or delays that you come across. And you certainly shouldn’t blame yourself for feeling discouraged when these things happen.
Now, the one thing I strongly believe, because I have seen it happen to other artists, and other artists have told me that I’ve done the same thing: A true artist is never satisfied with their progress. I have to take a biiiiig step back and look at my works objectively to realize I’ve made any progress at all since I started writing here. And in order to get a real feel, I actually have to have someone else tell me. Everyone here seems to think (myself included) that you’ve made tremendous progress.
But it happens to all of us who create, that feeling of needing to do more, make more, work it harder make it better do it faster makes us stronger, which unfortunately is what leads us straight to the burnout train. The burnout train is bad. It’s like being on a train that’s on fire. And not stopping. And on fire. If you need a break, take that break. You need it. Otherwise you just keep making the burnout worse.
There are people who can crank out (arguably) fresh material constantly. There are also people who can deadlift over 1000 pounds. These people are supernatural freaks, so don’t go comparing your perfectly good abilities to theirs. I fell into that particular trap a while ago, and it drove me into several bouts of burnout. Some people (Steven King is more of a monster than anything he’s ever written about for telling people to write every goddamned day) are different from others, and work completely different.
Anyhow, I really wish I were better at writing motivational stuff. I’ve gone through your stuff & seen you grow. I want to see you continue to grow as an artist, but that has to take a backseat to your mental and creative health. I hope you work past the blockage, but I strongly urge you to only work through it as you are able, on your own timeframe.
Do your art for you.
5364908
Phew, don't I know it! It wasn't long ago I singled out eighteen genres on this site alone - to say nothing of potential subgenres and genre combinations - and it really did feel like examining the progress of an imperial conquest. Which is honestly a more violent metaphor than I should probably be using, but it's apt. In other, non-violent ways.
...I could see a way it could work. I mean, there are other positive emotions (one could be broadly content, for instance, with one's ongoing lifestyle without settling into the slower and more futile pace of seeking ultimate satisfaction).
Don't get me wrong: I see what you mean when it comes to a writer constantly feeling the need to keep moving. That's an approach which doesn't admit of settle-down satisfaction, at least not for long. And admittedly is why this:
...proves to be such a problem.
God, I wish I was a supernatural freak.
More seriously, realistic expectations are the thing, yes. That's why I've been monitoring my output over the years: to gather real-world information about what I am doing, as opposed to what I'd like to be able to do. So far, as far as word counts go, it's been used to lower my future projections to something less insane.
Writing every day was a goal I dropped pretty early on. Some days just aren't going to work. Flexibility is the other virtue.
Also vaguely wondering if the Stephen King ding was what got that weird downvote. Huh. Well, moving on.
Point taken. I am holding myself to a break, at least for the foreseeable future.
5369037
No worries. Like I said, on your own time frame, friend.
If I were to wager a guess, it’d prolly be either the supernatural freak comment, or the comment about King. Both statements use harsh language, which I try to avoid, mostly since I don’t like making waves if I can help it.
If it’s due to the Stephen King comment, the irony is that I’m a fan of both Stephen King’s works, as well as his personal politics. I just think that one particular bit of advice—that he really stresses in just about anything I’ve seen him give writing advice for—is dangerous in how it can overwhelm a writer, whether new or experienced. It can even wind up having the reverse effect, dissuading them from writing just because they can’t keep up with writing every single day.
Honestly, I think most of us want this. Being able to break free of the limits we face is what it means to hope. I definitely would grab at a possibility to accomplish things well beyond my ability if it came up. But, memento mori, and all that jazz.
I think this is what I was getting at. My original quote there (ugh, did I use the words “true artist” in a sentence? Like I was an authority on the subject D: ?) is one of the reasons I stuck in the disclaimer about me not having proper words. It’s that feeling that one can do better, or should do better. Even if that’s not the healthy thing.
But, in the end, I rambled again. My main message, tldr; is meant to be one of encouragement, tempered with the statement that you gotta take care of yourself first.