Rage Review: Resist and Bite (Chapter 4) · 2:17am Mar 22nd, 2020
Chapter 4: A traumatizing transformation
Aaah! The "trauma" has reached the chapter titles! It's going to break the Fourth Wall and possess our brains!!! 
Charlie Lam was walking towards the exit of Ponyville to the forest ...
This is supposed to be real life, not a video-game with limited path choices and sudden transitions between screens. Ponyville does not appear to be a walled town. Thus there is no "exit" in the sense Author means.
Charlie notices that someone's following him.
"Who are you and why are you following me?" Charlie asked not turning around just yet.
Gotta give your follower a fair chance to ambush you, Charlie. Otherwise it would hardly be sporting!
"Uh... um... my name is Luster Dawn mister invader. I am the student of Princess Twilight Sparkle." She replied anxiously.
When Charlie heard the title Princess, he got baffled.
"Princess?" He asked "Are you talking about the one I helped in that snack shop house thingy?" He finished with a perplexed expression.
Charlie, how many people do you know named "Twilight Sparkle?" Of course it's the one you helped in the "snack shop house thingy!"
Brilliant Science Hero. Yeah.
"Anyways, where are my manners? My name is Charlie Lam. I am an eighteen years old teenager from Australia." He introduced himself with a bow.
Even when I was a teenager for real, I never felt the need to tell people my exact age on first introduction, unless it was highly relevant to our situation. Author, why does Charlie believe that it is highly-relevant to their situation that he is eighteen years old?
(I have my suspicions but don't want to read ahead and spoil the story for myself).
Also, an eighteen-year-old portion is tautologically a "teenager," as a "teenager" is "someone between age thirteen and nineteen. Thus "eighteen-year-old teenager" is redundant, like "married husband."
Then Luster Dawn began to introduce herself to the invader.
"Nice to meet you too Charlie, my name is Luster Dawn." She introduced herself with a bow.
That is in point of fact a complete introduction, in that each of them have told each other their names, and are thus now "acquaintances." Unless Equestria has some far more formal introduction customs, but do they really have time for more when they're escaping the Red Chinese Army?
"So, I assume your going to tag along with me in this journey?" He asked her.
"Yes." Luster Dawn replied with a nod. "Because you are not from this land, and you probably need me to guide you because I know well around these other lands." She finished with logic.
Yep, Charlie. You've added a character to the party!
Look, I don't mind video game based fanfiction. Heck, Fallout: Equestria is IMHO one of the greatest things ever written in the MLP:FIM setting. But either milk it for the videogame interest (such as mentioning when and how characters level-up), or drop it. Don't just assume that reality works like a video game, without even an in-story mechanism for why they should, such as the PIP-boys (which, note, are directly connected to Littlepip's talent).
"I don't want to be indelicate but, you don't look so much." Charlie said as he surveyed the unicron's structure.
FIrst of all, Charlie, you know nothing about Luster Dawn's capabilities and knowledge, and you can't really tell what they are by looking at her "structure." Unless what you meant to say was "character display," and you don't have a PIP!
Secondly, if Luster Dawn was a "unicron," she could blast the crap out of the Red Chinese army. Of course, she then might decide to eat the planet for its Energon.
Thirdly, take your eyes off her "structure." Luster Dawn is a respectable mare, and she doesn't appreciate random males ogling that! Even if she is a gigantic planet-eating cybernetic abomination! 
"Well, I guess your sense is veracious." He said with a roll of his eyes "Fine, I'll work with you, because I do not want to make myself too phlegmatic." He told her which made the unicorn giggle.
I'd giggle, too, if he spoke that Engrish to me.
So Luster Dawn becomes his guide.
Charlie and Luster Dawn have been walking uphill and downhill and across many hazardous fast flowing rivers and petrifying areas.
I have little idea why they have to cross so many "rivers" (streams, perhaps?) and less idea as to what exactly is a "petrifying area." A den of cockatrices?
"Oh my goodness, I'm so tired." Luster Dawn said between breaths.
"But dude, we've just walked for five hours. And your complaining about this already?" Charlie asked her with an indignant expression. "I thought you told me that you were a very efficient guidance to anyone." He reminded her.
Well, of course Charlie the Hero, Bearer of the Element of Deus Ex Machina, can walk a mere Pony into the ground. After all, distance hiking over rough terrain is a standard part of an engineering curriculum! Isn't it?
The wrist computer then made a beeping noise and a large transparent screen appeared out of it, and the sight Luster Dawn's jaw drop.
Would make my jaw drop too, especially since Author hasn't explained exactly how the "large transparent screen" appears out of the wrist computer. Is it a physical screen? If so, how does it fit in there? Is it a holoscreen? If so, Author should say what it is. In context I have no idea what the machine just did, beyond activating some sort of display device.
Charlie then tapped on the screen again and a red arrow was seen on the screen and pointed in a cave with a blue indicator.
How did Charlie's device detect this cave or its significance? This is clearly based on the Pip-Boy from Fallout (and FE), but the Pip-Boy was a rather specialized device intended for combat and reconnaissance support. Just because it's a "computer" doesn't mean it can do this, and X-Rays CANNOT PENETRATE ROCK!!!
They enter the cave, and Charlie builds a fire.
He bent down and placed the dry sticks in the middle. After that, he surrounded the rock around the sticks. Then, he pulled out a lighter and squeezed the small trigger and a small flame ignited which made Luster Dawn 'ah' in return.
This is going to shock Author, but the Ponies mastered fire a long time ago. They even have pocket lighters, though I'm not sure whether they work on the flint-and-steel-on-tinder or on-flammable-liquid principle. Luster Dawn has definitely seen fire and probably lighters before.
"Okay Luster Dawn, the fire is setup. You should warm yourself up because it is going to get drastically cold this night to my assumption." He told her.
"Okay." Luster Dawn said with a nod. Then she inched herself near the fire and began warming herself up.
Nice to see that Luster Dawn is so helpless and ignorant that she has to be told to warm herself by the fire.
CHARLIE: Red Flower! Serves Man! Red Flower good!
Charlie then takes out the Plot Point Talisman of Plot Significance and studies it.
"Do you need any help?" She asked "I can try and be your succour." She volunteered.
Wow! On such short acquaintance? Maybe she's not a respectable mare, after all! 
"No thanks." Charlie told her with a shake of his head "I can handle this myself because, that's what I do." He finished.
That's right, Charlie. Don't ask the Unicorn who comes from this world and knows Twilight Sparkle what the thing Twilight Sparkle gave you can do. After all, she might know the answer, and then you might have to share XP with her! Stupid NPC party member!
"What is this?" Charlie said to himself quietly while scrutinizing the glow. He then raised his right hand and slowly began to approach the glow with his right finger which was an exertion he would regret doing.
Once his finger got near to the glow he began to hesitate and tried to restrain himself. But he just couldn't help it because it looked like something new, and Charlie liked to see something new.
Charlie was a lot of fun when they introduced him to toxic radioisotopes!
(true story: I once knew a man who did just that with a sample of refined uranium in a chemistry class. He managed to give himself a wart, but was otherwise okay -- from that particular adventure, anyway).
He then gathered all of his courage and touched the glow with his eyes closed, and to his surprise, nothing happened.
What exactly did you expect to happen?
Don't worry: Story won't disappoint.
Talisman gets all floaty and glowy and then ...
But suddenly, the talisman instantly stuck itself around Charlie's chest level. Then a bright white glow illuminated which made Luster Dawn shield her eyes and a loud scream can be heard.
After three seconds, the bright glow slowly faded away and Luster Dawn can slowly drop her hooves down. And she can finally see clearly in front of her, and the view surprised her a little because in front of her was Charlie burried in his own science coat.
Woopsie. 
Charlie notices he has hooves. Then ...
"Wait hold on." Charlie said as he looked at his reflection in his safety goggle scanners and the view startled him because, he was not a human anymore, he was now a pony with a unicorn horn and wings.
Yer an Alicorn, Charlie!
Dude lay off the newbie writer, he is still learning on how to write a story, doing a rage review like this is pointless and servers no other peruse then to demine and ridicule him, with the seemingly soul goal then discouraging him in his writing, which is rare enough among regular people, it shouldn't be discouraged. I know you to be better then this.
5225541
Honestly?
What bothers me deeply about the story is the way in which the canon characters -- whom we know to be capable, tough, smart people -- are reduced to helpless victims to be (literally) kicked or elbowed into submission or damsels in distress to be rescued by the Hero. All of this to make the Hero look good by comparison.
I love the Mane Six and their friends, as fictional characters. I don't mind them being defeated by formidable foes -- that's happened more than once in the actual Show -- but I do mind them being beaten up by a cheap M. Bison expy because Author forgets about 90% of their canonical abilities.
The point of My Little Pony -- especially in its G4 incarnation -- is that being friendly and good is not weakness, but rather strength. And it bases this point implicitly, in-show, on game theory in a way that's beautiful to me.
Twilight Sparkle -- even a defeated and seriously-wounded Twilight Sparkle -- is a brave, calculating supergenius. She would be thinking over how she was defeated, and come to the conclusion that she and her friends were all under the influence of some sort of subtle depowering or intellect-draining effect which prevented them from using their powers and skills effectively. And she would be planning to win the NEXT battle.
There is a reason in-canon why Celestia hoof-picked her to be her successor, and it's not just that Twilight Sparkle has pretty hair.
Maybe there is now that the Red Chinese have established a prison-camp-style wall around the town? Except in that case, they'd presumably stop Charlie Stu from... or, well, at least they'd try.
5225568
That's a good point. We don't know exactly where the Chinese built the "giant walls," and a town wall would actually make military sense.
The story isn't much of a muchness, but it's great to see you posting here again. I hope you and the family are all doing well.
5225597
I'm glad to hear from you too!
I got a job just before the shelter-in-place order, and did two days of training before having to stay home for at least a month, because selling opera tickets on the phone apparently isn't an "essential" job. Go fig!
Before this, I was feeling bummed because I wasn't going to be able to go to BabsCon for the second year in a row. Now, of course, the con is canceled this year, so ... well, nobody gets to go. Which is sad.
Have you been writing anything or doing anything else interesting lately?
I wouldn't call it Engrish so much as the kind of thesaurus abuse I'd expect if P. T. Barnum ran Jurassic Park.
5225606
Before this, I was feeling bummed because I wasn't going to be able to go to BabsCon for the second year in a row. Now, of course, the con is canceled this year, so ... well, nobody gets to go. Which is sad.
Yeah. Ken wanted to get me out for Babscon but between the Coronavirus and related paranoia as well as some home repair and room-mate health issues he's been facing it's not happening. Which is terrible, as I love seeing him at least once a year but such is fate.
Have you been writing anything or doing anything else interesting lately?
Depending on what you call 'interesting' Ken and I have been stuck on the last chapter or so of 'Realms Undreamed Of' for entirely too long. I may just ask him if I can go ahead and finish it while he deals with the multitude of RL concerns he has right now -- the actual chapter is done but it needs extensive editing to fit the published story.
I also wrote a few entries for Alex Warlorn's 'Conversion Bureau: Not Just Ponies' set in my home area and involving people both human and Equestrian dealing with the Veil and the Conversion Bureaus. I'm mostly staying away from the ponies proper and going with the converted and natural-born dragons instead, because what happens when someone who thought they were facing the end of their life suddenly gets a few thousand years more to look forward to, as well as what are basically superpowers on top of it? How does Equestria feel about a few million dragons coming into existence? Oh, there's also a dragon party, lecherous teenage drakes chasing transformed-to-dragons human women, dragons and other Equestrians getting introduced to human popular culture and movies, and what happens when stupid frat boys decide to fake a terrorist attack on a 20'-30' long multi-ton near-adult dragon. Oh, and a lawsuit and assassination attempt on Dragon Lord Ember, too.
Here's a link if anyone feels intrigued by the above description: Dragons of Pennsylvania