CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #37 — Sister Solstice · 11:39am Jan 25th, 2020
I’m continuing my critiques of the entrants into the Imposing Sovereigns II contest; more specifically, the “finalists” I marked as being worthy of a top spot. Today’s story is the second-best story I read in the entire contest. I would like to stress, however, that I only ranked them because FanOfMostEverything made me; they are all excellent.
Title: Sister Solstice
Author: Fylifa
Found via: That contest what I judged.
Short summary: In the distant past, we see some of the events that led Celestia and Luna to where they are now. Not just in their role as monarchs, but in their relationship as sisters.
Genre(s): Slice of Life, Character Piece, Prequel to Canon
The Title/Description: The title is fine; the alliteration helps what is otherwise an average title.
The long description is good; brief and yet still evocative. The short description is actually worse, due to being significantly more alarmist and tell-y. This is especially unfortunate, since the long description is within the word limits to be a short description.
The Critique:
This story is a parade of masterfully-written characters. From the very first scene, we get a wonderful sense of every character involved. Princess Platinum is an austere and formal iron lady, but only out of necessity and experience. And she does her best to pass this experience on to Celestia. I could write a similar short bio like this for every character in the story, from Starswirl, to Celestia and Luna’s mother, to Rockhoof. I’ll spare you that, however, and let you see for yourself.
This story does an excellent job of using character moments to display these traits and intricacies to the reader. The very first scene of the story is a thousand words long, but tells us everything we need to know about both Princess Platinum and Celestia’s character. It’s also witty and snappy, and remarkably easy to read. I could say as much about every scene.
The relationship between Celestia and Luna is also portrayed well. Even this early in their lives, we see echoes of the future. The imbalances in their relationship, as well as the familial bond. I won’t spoil the ending, but it is a heartwarming moment.
Now, there is some typos and blunt narration littered throughout. We are told that Princess Platinum “ambled over with the support of a cane levitated in her magic.” How does that last part work? Did we need to know that? Or did we need to be told that “The old mare had been as inscrutable like a sphinx before today.”?
The story also has a lot of trouble with how it uses commas. The second sentence of the story needlessly tosses on an extra clause (in the name of scene-setting, yes, but bluntly so). Comma splices and awkward phrasing are semi-frequent. Take sentences like this:
“Tests usually have answers,” Celestia replied ruefully and scrunched her muzzle when one of the pages of Starswirl’s notebook turned out to be a folded napkin with scribbles on either side.
It would be so much more digestible with some more commas and/or periods. This, as well as other smaller things, all add up.
The biggest flaw, however, was that the ending lacked any tension. We as readers can easily see where it is headed, and so there is no surprise or interest in the final stretch. As I mentioned above, it is heartwarming, but it is also predictable. This is, admittedly, in keeping with the Slice of Life tone. The story has a very light conflict throughout, and so perhaps this is a logical extension of that.
In a single sentence: A parade of excellent character moments, for both Celestia, Luna, and all the supporting cast.
Verdict: Upvote. This story has a handful of flaws, but they are ultimately all nitpicks or minor polish issues. These were completely outweighed by fantastic character moments, well-drawn characters, and subtle but wonderful characterization. Just enough conflict to be engaging, but still Slice of Life in tone. Moments of levity to move things along, but not enough to distract. I can gush all I want, but there’s simply one thing to say, which is that this is a stellar story (pun very much intended).
Yeah, this sounds worth checking out. :)
EDIT: Ignoring the fact that it's Imposing Sovereigns and I'll get to it eventually. :P
Eyes the notification bell. “Uh oh, it happened. It’s here.”
Me reading the review
Considering your blog post before this one, I admit I was feeling a little apprehensive. In a “Oh god, Clever’s writing their reviews and the next ones are going to be devastating if they’re worrying on how they sound” kind-of-way.
That said, I actually appreciate your candor in these! The upside to being honest is that when the praise comes I know it’s not just meaningless hair-petting. Perhaps this is what every chef who knows Gordon Ramsay is coming over feels. “If they manage to say just one nice thing then I am not a total failure!”
So reading the review, I am totally floored by how much you liked it! Not just like it but your second favorite! Excuse me while I go and print out a hundred copies of your review so I can swim in them like Scrooge McDuck.
Really you made my day! And once we get into the critique part of the critique I think it’s more than fair. I have my editor friend and Grammarly constantly chide me over the comma use. Though depending on when you read the story I might have sanded some of them out. I uploaded the story ten minutes before the deadline and spent the hour after and the next day trying to tidy things. And still my first comment was about a busted formatting thing. I’ll try to look at some of the sentences you pointed out and re-read it today to see if I can’t help the readability some in places.
About the differing short and long. Maybe I should just use the long for both? Honestly, the reason they even were different is because I think there was a piece of advice I read someplace that said the short should be eyecatching and underline the central conflict. I also had a moment of thinking myself clever with “The short will be Celestia’s worry and the long will be Luna’s worry.” But that might be too much misguided artsyfartsy on my part, especially if it’s being clunky and making people think that there is going to be bloodshed or big battle in what really is just a sweethearted study of the relationship between the sisters.
As for the non-mechanical parts...
For Platinum’s cane I figured that while a unicorn with a limp could push off the floor with their magic, a cane might be easier as the handle can stay in your vision. Then again, unicorn magic physics is a bit wonky. Can unicorns pull themselves up by it like with a pull up bar? We’ve seen them whip heads around like if they had invisible cords and we’ve seen Rarity prance around effortlessly in Art of the Dress. Along with Twilight self pushing that cart in Winter Wrap Up.
Though one thing about the cane is: In the original draft of the ending, Platinum runs out of the room to meet Celestia while Starswirl calls after her ‘Hey, you forgot your cane!’ as a final kind of gag and to show that Platinum is a bit like Mayor Mare in that some of what she does is showmareship. To also fit with her acting analogy she gave to Celestia in the beginning. But I cut it to make the last sentence keep the focus about Celestia.
And I can agree with you on the ending, because I felt it when I was writing it. A bit of trouble when you trying to keep to canon and writing history that as you approach critical moments it can be on the rails. I almost worried that you judges would subtract points for not having a full on crown-on-head coronation scene. I started to write one but had trouble thinking on how I could make it interesting. At least oddball coronations sort of got confirmed on canon based on how Twilight’s went on the series finale.
In anycase, thank you very much for the review! I know it’s not easy having to strike the balance between praise / critique. But I assure you both sides of the review was very much appreciated!
5191914 I read the story well after it was published. I was one of the last judges to turn in their scores (partly because I took notes on every story). I also noticed some typos/minor errors that I did not feel warranted mentioning in a critique this length. Stuff like:
Luna also uses a contraction in chapter one, which is inconsistent with her voicing elsewhere.
Using the long description for both is a reasonable change. Having the short and long descriptions point to different aspects of the story is a fine concept. But as I mentioned, the old short description just felt alarmist: it painted the story as more danger-filled and higher stakes than it was.
I used the cane as an example mostly because of its sentence structure. Everything after "ambled over" is very expositional and blunt. It is grafted onto the sentence in an inelegant way. The fact that it is also headcanon territory just makes that aspect worse. Compare the note about the buildings in chapter 1. Yes, it's also expositional, but at least it's not stuck on sentence that is doing other things. It is focused on a single subject instead of multitasking. (It also has some comma issues, but that's a separate matter.)
And again, I only mention this because it is a contrast to the other moments which are delivered much more subtly. Take this line from chapter 1:
We as the audience can easily see what Nocturna meant. You didn't need to spell it out, and that subtlety makes it that much more impactful.
I can definitely understand the "on rails" nature of linking to canon. That was the main reason I didn't fully enjoy writing The Unexpected Sexual Harassment of Twilight Sparkle: I felt hamstrung by canon, like my creative freedom had been hindered. There are solutions to such things, of course. But exploring a less concrete part of canon, or crafting a more elaborate scenario can present its own logistical issues.
There were no hard requirements for any of the prompts. And indeed, many of the stories approached the idea of "coronation" in particular in very roundabout ways. Miles to Go and The Rise of Chaos in particular had some interesting takes on the theme.
It is certainly difficult to balance the constructive with the criticism. My last blog was a result of me mismanaging that balance with others in the past. I hope not to scare or offend anyone if I can avoid it. I would never write a 500 word critique of a story if there wasn't something worth discussing in it. Regardless, I'm glad my critique was helpful, in however small a way.
5191660 If you intend to read all the Imposing Sovereigns entries anyway, then my review output is not going to be helpful to you for a little while.
5192283
Heh! My first response is to say “Whaaaaat! I’ve had to have re-read those sentences half a dozen times and I missed that an? I know the rule! Honest!” The value of having an extra pair of eyes. But I think I get your meaning about the sentence with the cane now. I’ll have to chew my pencil a little in how to rephrase it. I don’t mind correcting and I am happy for you to point it out. It helps me learn and keep my ears up for the next time I write I can be more mindful of phrasing like that.
As for the story descriptions. I went and swapped out the short for the long, so thank you for that advice too.
Though one thing you said, however...
At the risk of sounding argumentative, I don’t believe that’s accurate? Luna uses contractions throughout all three chapters. FoME and Naiad in their comments even quoted pivotal lines in the story with them from her.
Not trying to be defensive! Just that I was very mindful of trying to avoid the usual shortcut of giving her ‘tis ‘thee ‘thou and long forming her speech in this story, Mainly because I wanted to try getting her personal quirk of being a formal speaker without her having ‘royal’ speech. (Admittedly, in my other stories I do have her be exacting like that.)
But in anycase, you’re right in that I’m still tickled pink over having anyone write 500 words about my work in anything! I think that’s what any writer wants. To know that they made some kind of impact someplace. To make people feel!
Something I’d like to point out in that vein. I amusingly didn’t recognize your name before, but when I looked. I had If You Came to Conquer already added in my favorites. In fact it’s the seventh story I added! Most likely in my first few opening months here on Fimfiction.
So one could say you helped me start as a writer because I remember it was reading the plethora of stories and different takes of characters that encouraged me to start and try my own. Funny thing to think about that you’ll be helping me still 3 years later! Isn’t life funny. Maybe also to show that things we do and write not in a vacuum and can inspire as much as entertain!
5191914 Another minor thing I forgot to mention: there is a little bit of headhopping. Jumping between the perspectives of different characters‐‐without some scene or chapter break to mark it--can be a little jarring. Especially when done frequently. You already mentioned changing things to keep the focus on Celestia, which is good. But there's still small some places that could a more uniform perspective.
5192624 Yes I know that feeling all too well. I'm working on an original novel. The first few editing passes by experienced editors made me feel embarrassed. "I swear I know what a comma splice is" and "how could I have missed that?" are among the thoughts that went through my head while reading their feedback.
Looking back now, you're right that Nocturna does use contractions more often than I thought. I suppose that one stood out to me because it is the first one she uses. I stand by my comment otherwise. Representing the formality of her speech by removing contractions fits her character. But it also makes the contractions she does use stand out much more by comparison. If she only used contractions during specific moments—such as when she is stressed or fatigued—that would make sense. There doesn't seem to be any connecting factor behind her contractions, however, and that threw me off.
Thank you for the kind words!
When I look back on my time in this fandom, I don't necessarily remember the upvotes or EqD features (although they didn't hurt). I remember comments like that. All of the comments on If You Came to Conquer and its sequels discussing philosophy and justice, or the comments about how my work made someone cry.
You definitely have a great attitude. I'm sure that ability to accept criticism—and to disagree with criticism, when warranted—will serve you well in your writing career.
It’s been a pleasure to talk! Thank you again for kind words and advice.