Working... · 7:19pm Dec 12th, 2019
So, a little update on what I've been up to, in case any of you were wondering. I have been working on the next chapter, but only on and off. Over the past week, I've been feeling like I really want to get a move on with the next book in the published version, so I've been going over the previous book and my notes to re-familiarize myself with what I did, and hopefully patch any mistakes I might have made in the process. I'll be republishing the changes once their finished, but It's slow going, editing through a book.
However, while I was working on it, I thought to myself: "It's been over year, why not let everyone take a look at the final product? Get a little insight from other sources, while letting those who haven't read it have a free look?"
Yes, I know that's not fair to those who already bought the book, but at this point, I just want more people to read the darn thing, and this seemed to me to be the best way to do that.
To those of you who paid, you cannot know how grateful I am to you, that you would like my work enough to open your wallets and shell out for my story. However, I really would like feedback on my little tale, as I am less capable of seeing something wrong with what I've written due to my proximity to the story in question. Amazon comments and reviews don't really count in that regard, as they're less directed towards me, and more towards those that might be interested in picking up the book. More importantly than that, though, is the fact that not a whole lot of people who use amazon leave comments, as I've only received 17 during the entire time it's been out. The ones that do usually keep it short, a sentence or two at most, telling me that they liked it, or that there was a few problems, but otherwise it was good.
But not what it was they found good, or where those problems were.
To those of you who haven't paid for it, think of this as a little surprise gift. I would beg you to consider buying the book after reading it to support my work, and help me make this a career, but it is entirely up to you. I enjoy making stories, always have, but I can hardly make a living off of it if no one buys it. Please, if you haven't purchased it yet, reconsider after reading it. Tell your friends, tell your family, make this a thing that others want to read.
Help me publish more stories.
What I've Become Master Document.
And yes, when I publish my new chapter, I'll be including this link in the Author's notes. I want as many people as possible to read this.
My only big complaint is that you repeated the visions multiple times. After the first couple I started to skip them in the book. If you are going to show the vision, only do so once, if at all. It might even be better to not show the vision at all, just show how disturbed the vision is to the seer by her actions "throwing up, trembling, etc" and let the reader's mind fill in the horror that must of been seen, rather than try to instill it with words.
5168430 Thanks for the input! I'll see what I can do for a more updated version.
5168431
Yeah. Still of two minds on whether or not you should show the vision or not. Thinking on it, it could annoy readers if you don't show the vision at all.
Pick the best vision already written (1st or 2nd? it's been too long since I last read it and I skimmed the later renditions) and keep it. Have any vision that comes before show their gut reactions in order to build up anticipation.
I've just finished reading through the story, and first of all, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I think it's great that the setting in this version is significantly different from that of the fanfic and that it isn't just Equestria wrapped in a different packaging. It's interesting also how the story has changed, for example Si'feri plays a greater role than Pinkie, and how some scenes have become much more fleshed out.
One criticism I—and I see many Amazon reviewers—have is that there are quite a few typos and orthographical inconsistencies (e.g. capitalization of m'lady, ma'am, etc. is inconsistent). I would recommend letting a professional proofreader proofread it before publishing it because having this many typos is just unprofessional and can make people leave bad reviews/scores even if the story is itself good.
Speaking of the story, even though I enjoyed it, it felt somewhat unfinished. I understand that it is a first in a three part series, but I think the ending of each book should feel like a resting point—nothing new should be built up near the end, and the characters should be able to relax a bit while knowing that more is to come. For example, I feel like the Si'feri-focused chapters at the end were somewhat out of place because it feels like it's building up to something, but the story just ends. Some of this hinting-at-new-stuff can be moved to the next book, or more can be added to the first book to resolve some them. Or something, I don't know. Basically I feel like a lot of the things that happen at the end of book 1 are just cliffhangers for a book 2.
As for the visions, I find them quite detailed, but otherwise okay since each one plays out slightly differently. I would make them shorter, though, and especially for the last one experienced by the High Priest, writing out the vision is not that necessary in my opinion because its purpose is to scare him, and the readers already know what they entail at this point. In contrast, the one experienced by Akitesh is quite important because, plot-wise, it serves to give her information about the krins' plans/experiments and Alex, as well as to hint at the powers of the quzin, so it makes sense to describe what she sees.
All in all, I think the book is overall enjoyable, but it seems like a decent chunk of it, especially near the end, mainly serves as setup for the next book.
5170225 I really appreciate you taking the time to read it, and I absolutely adore your feedback. That being said, a whole ton of stuff has come up, and I really don't have the time to respond to it as deeply as I would like.
5170407
No problem, take your time :)