Heavy Metal GOATs: The Old Guard · 6:40am Nov 17th, 2019
Howdy, folks! First and foremost, as always, Adorable Applejack:
Appul 4 u!
Now then...
Yup. Just what it says on the tin.
For serious, though, a post I saw on Facebook the other day got me thinking about something. Proclaiming something the "Greatest of All Time" is not often an easy thing to do. Even with subjects that are more quantifiable, like a sports player or team with statistical analysis to back up the claim, subjective opinions invariably creep in. This is no more apparent than with something that is completely, 100% subjective, like music.
Now, you may claim to be able to prove what band or song is the best, but remember, it's all based on opinion. Do this: think of the absolute worst song you can think of. A song that you think has zero artistic merit, an absolute dumpster fire of a song. Off the top of my head, I think of this:
I only know this song because it was in Rock Band 2, and my sister and I used to play that game all the time before she bitched out and became, you know, successful and got one of those stupid "family" things that lame people have. Back to the point, have you thought of a song? Okay.
That song? Changed someone's life.
You could ask two people from the same race, gender, social class, or whatever else, and when asked to name their favorite song, you'll likely get two completely different answers. This makes proclaiming something the "Greatest of All Time" almost an exercise in futility.
Ain't gonna stop me, though!
I've decided, for the sake of brevity, to limit this to my opinion of the top five heavy metal albums ever. The astute of you may notice the title of this blog has a secondary portion. You see, as I was thinking about all this, I realized something: any time the "best" of a given subject is discussed, those who are knowledgeable in that subject... are not usually surprised by the choices listed. After all, when a person/band/whatever is accepted by many to be the best... it's usually for a reason. So when a magazine reveals their lists of the greatest of whatever, they generally all list the same people. Some, "journalists" will get around this by making ridiculous claims to try and shock people and go around their elbow to get to their asshole to justify it. This once led Rolling Stone, when listing the 100 best guitar players ever, to put Dimebag Darrell of Pantera somewhere around #70... and Jack White of the White Stripes as #7.
I... I don't.... I don't even know what I don't even...
Anywho, to mitigate this, I've decided to break this into two separate lists. This one will indeed consist of the actually "Greatest," and the second will be the "greatest" from bands you may not often think about or consider. However, even for those who know heavy metal, stick around. Some of my decisions may just surprise you...
#5: The Bleeding by Cannibal Corpse
One of the things I love about metal is it is, I think, the most varied genre of music. Like, if you ask someone what kind of music they like and they say country, that's it. They like country. But if they say heavy metal, there is usually a qualifying statement that follows. This had led to me joking, when someone asks what kind of music I like, to say, "Oh, I like all kinds of music! Thrash metal, speed metal, doom metal, death metal, prog metal, black metal..."
Starting off on the more extreme side of metal, I had to go with the grandaddies of death metal. These guys have been rocking since 1988, and they have never lost their edge. Even in death metal circles, they were shocking and disturbing. Their album titles—Gallery of Suicide, Tomb of the Mutilated, The Wretched Spawn—are accompanied by horrific images and artwork that would make Mengele blush. Their song lyrics read like the script to a Saw movie. In fact, in Saw 3, I think it was, there actually was a guy Drowning in Viscera. And through it all, they have displayed a level of musicianship and technical skill that could never be denied. Alex Webster is one of the best bass players ever, Paul Mazurkiewicz is unrelenting on the drums, and George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher has a voice that hits like a sledgehammer.
But for me, it's their fourth album, with Chris Barnes on vocals, that takes the cake. The production is primal and gritty, lending to the violent lyrics. This album has, in my opinion, one of the most evil songs ever written: Stripped, Raped, and Strangled. The opening riff is ominous and disturbing, and the lyrics fit perfectly It's... honestly unnerving how depraved it all is. But beyond that, the album is amazing, and easily the best death metal album ever.
#4: Brave New World by Iron Maiden
I know, I know, I can already hear you. "B-But Jake... Number of the Beast! Powerslave! Somewhere In Time!" And you're right, their 80's material is legendary for a reason. Iron Maiden dropped their self-titled debut in 1980 and were already set for stardom. But it was the inclusion of the "Human air raid siren" Bruce Dickinson in 1983 that propelled them to the stratosphere. Their star continued to rise throughout the 80's, culminating in their most experimental album, Seventh Son of A Seventh Son, in 1988.
However, they dialed back the prog tendencies in the 90's with No Prayer For the Dying and Fear of the Dark having a more grungy, raw sound. Then, in 1993, Dickinson left the band to pursue a solo career. Maiden then made the single most baffling choice to replace him with Blaze Bayley, a guy who had nowhere near the range. The two albums that followed had some good tracks—stand outs being Man On The Edge, Futureal, and The Clansman—and Bayley was a decent vocalist, but he was just underequipped to handle the band's older material, and the albums as a whole were underwhelming in the extreme.
Then, in 1999, both Dickinson and guitarist Adrian Smith returned, and the album that followed was one for the ages. The album is fire all the way through. From the hard-driving Wicker Man, to the emotional Blood Brothers, it truly encapsulates what makes Maiden amazing. Ghost of the Navigator is, hands down, my favorite Iron Maiden song. It's the type of album that really showcases Maiden being relevant and hard no matter how long into their career they are. Even if you are a huge fan like me, give this one another spin.
#3: Paranoid by Black Sabbath
I once saw a meme on Facebook that said, "There's only two things you can trust in this life: yourself, and the first six Black Sabbath albums." This is not to say they didn't release great stuff later, by that I mean the albums they did with Dio, but their sound changed dramatically. Seriously, you listen to this and then Dehumanizer directly after, and it almost sounds like a completely different band.
Anywho, this album's inclusion on the list is almost a given. The track list is pretty much a greatest hits album. There isn't a single song on this album that isn't iconic. It's a bit more refined than their self-titled debut, and more focused than the follow-up, Master of Reality. This was Sabbath at their technical and song-writing peak, before fame and drugs began to take their toll. Bill Ward is all over the drum kit, and Toni Iommi and Geezer Butler are in perfect form. It's hard to pick a "favorite," but if forced, I'd probably say Hand of Doom stands out the most for me, with it's trippy, moody feel giving way to a palpable mania that reflects the lyrics. If you haven't heard it, or just haven't listened in a while, give it a spin, and it's easy to see why they are the most influential metal band of all time.
#2: Master of Puppets by Metallica
Okay, y'all knew this one was coming. Anyone who has even a passing knowledge of me knows that Metallica is my favorite band of all time. Notice that I said favorite, not best. There is a difference. Like I said before, these types of things are subjective. I mean, my favorite baseball team is quite obviously the Houston Astros, but the best, if I had to hazard a guess based on my severely lacking knowledge of the sport's history, would probably be the New York Yankees.
In any case, Metallica will always be my favorite because they were literally the first metal band I ever heard. I'd tell the story about how I first heard them, because I literally remember the day very clearly, but instead, I'll just tell you to go re-read Button Thrash. The way Button discovered metal largely parallels my story. The only real difference was it was actually on a very rainy morning after my brother and I found out School was cancelled, so he decided to play some "celebration music" in my mom's van. I then combined that with the events that followed, namely me devouring my dad's old vinyl collection and discovering AC/DC, Led Zepplin, the aforementioned Black Sabbath, ZZ Top, Aerosmith, etc.
Getting back on topic, that I chose this album is really a no-brainer. Puppets is the quintessential 'tallica album. It was when they were really hitting their stride. 1983's Kill 'em All was fast paced thrashy goodness, but it was also sort of... simple. Metallica weren't doing anything anyone else wasn't doing, they just did it faster. The follow up, 1984's Ride the Lightning, was when we saw the first hints that they were different. Lead guitarist Kirk Hammett and the legendary bassist Cliff Burton were starting to exert their influence, adding more melodies and more complex structures. Hammett once noted that he was nervous about the solo on the title track, because it was the first time his solos would be "slowing down," and become more hooky and catchy. And then you had Fade to Black! A fucking borderline ballad on a thrash metal album! This was also the first time the band heard the now overused and annoying cry of being "sellouts."
But it was Puppets where the band fully came into their own. FOr starters, it was the first album where all the songs were written solely by the existing band members, as songs form both Kill and Lightning were written in part by ousted lead guitarist Dave Mustaine, now of Megadeth fame. It saw the band leaning heavily into the more melodic, borderline progressive elements of their music, but it never lost its bite. The opener Battery starts with a mellow, acoustic intro, only to transition almost jarringly into a chugging, frenetic riff. It has probably their heaviest song, The Thing That Should Not Be, and their now iconic instrumental powerhouse Orion. And it's capped off by Damage, Inc., a song so fast and intense they would only top it once. To me, the best song on the album is Disposable Heroes. It has that brutal intro, blistering speeds, and the pre-chorus melody is probably my favorite section of any song ever. It's one of the greatest metal bands of all time at their peak.
So, my favorite album from my favorite band of all time... and it's only at Number Two?! What could possibly top this?! What is, in my humble opinion, the GOAT metal album? Well, that would be...
#1: Painkiller by Judas Priest
When it comes to heavy metal, few bands are as iconic as Judas Priest. Even in their early days, with the more groovy, "hippy-trippy" sounds of Rocka-Rolla and Sad Wings of Destiny, they were something so unique they could not be ignored. The dueling lead guitars of Glenn Tipton and K.K. Downing, rife with harmonies and melodic intensity, would set the stage for bands like Metallica, Slayer, and pretty much every power metal band ever to follow. Vocalist Rob Halford would become the gold standard by which every other "clean" vocalist would be judged to this very day. Hell, they literally created the "Heavy Metal look." Yeah, the "look" you picture in your head when you think of a metal head—the leather, the spikes, the studs, and the chains—all that came from Halford trolling around gay S&M bars in the late 70's. So, yeah, if you like the metal aesthetic and don't like gay people, you're kind of a hypocrite.
The band came to prominence in Brittan in the mid to late 70's, with albums like Sin After Sin, Stained Class, and Hell Bent for Leather(Killing Machine in the UK), but it wasn't until 1980's British Steel that they truly became a more international affair. That album has both the songs you normies know them for, Living After Midnight and Breaking the Law. Throughout the 80's, the band woudl flirt with a more mainstream sound, with 1981's Point of Entry being extremely radio friendly, while 1984's Defenders of the Faith was a more solidly metal piece. This culminated in 1986's Turbo, an album that was almost hilariously mainstream. It seemed tailor made for radio play, and saw the band do everything they could to appeal to a broader audience. It even gave us some fucking gems in the form of TV promos for the album.
Hey, when the Metal God tells you to use the crosswalk, you use the fucking crosswalk!
Following that... erm, lackluster effort, we'll say, they tried to recapture their hard edge, which gave us 1988's Ram It Down. This album kicked a lot of ass, but it was still steeped in 80's cheese, with the electronic drum sounds and heavy synth elements. Critics at the time said the band was "showing their age," and that they were, "lagging behind the thrash metal giants they helped to create." Well, this must have lit a serious fire under their asses, because what followed in 1990 was nothing short of perfection.
What I love about this album could fill its own blog, but mostly its that it's just a non-stop sonic assault. From the instant the drum intro hits in the title track to the last notes of One Shot at Glory, it just never lets up. Even when it "slows down," with A Touch of Evil, it's still brutal as hell. This is Priest at their most intense and virtuosic. First time Priest drummer Scott Travis is relentless, pounding and blazing on the kick drum. Tipton and Downing are absolutely insane on this album, with complex harmonies and absolutely blistering solos. This is the album where Halford really comes into his own, and truly earns his nickname, "The Metal God." He never loses his melody and nuance, even amidst the screeching highs and growling lows he manages. He hasn't sounded this good since Defenders.
And Priest hasn't slowed down yet. When Halford left the band in 1992, they picked up a member of a former Priest tribute band, Tim "The Ripper" Owens. Yeah, the two albums with him, Jugulator and Demolition... kinda sucked, but it set Ripper up to be one of the best vocalists working today. He's worked with Iced Earth, and is currently working with another of my favorite vocalists, Sean Peck, and Harry Conklin with The Three Tremors, which is obviously a metal answer to The Three Tenors. Then, when Halford came back in 2003, Angel of Retribution saw them return to a mre "traditional" Judas Priest sound. Now, yeah, Nostradomus and Redeemer of Souls sucked... like, pretty bad. But! their last album, 2018's Firepower, is probably their second best album. Yeah, fifty years into their career, Priest drops one of their best albums! And they're still touring, and currently working on a new album. Glenn Tipton is fucking 70 years old, and has goddang Parkinsons, and he;s still writing music! What's your excuse?
But back to Painkiller, it is, in my humble opinion, the single greatest heavy metal album ever recorded. To me, it's the musical equivalent of the speed of light. It is a barrier of quality, one that, as we currently understand the world, there is no way to surpass.
So... yeah! Man, this blog is fucking complicated! Music links everywhere! I hope they all work. It's late, and I'm kinda drunk. But I hope I've imparted on you how much I fucking love heavy metal. It is, and always will be, my first true love. See, for the longest time—from the age of eleven to about 26, which was in 2011 when I first discovered Ponies—metal was... all I had. Oh, sure, I liked other things, like movies and video games, but it was the only thing I was passionate about. And to this day, I still am passionate about it. I'm always looking for me "new favorite band," a band I will become obsessed with and listen to non-stop for like six months.
As I said, I will be writing another blog sometime this week with a list of my favorite albums from bands you have either never heard of, or might not consider when it comes to the "GOAT's." For this one, I just wanted to express my love for a genre of music that is oft maligned and put down as being worthless. I hope I have shown you a few bands to listen to, or at least given you a reason to spin some old classic again.
Never forget that I fucking love you all. Til next time, stay safe, stay free, and as I hope you can see I really want you to do, stay metal! Jake The Army Guy out!
For the longest time people had asked me what my favorite kind of music was, and my response to them was, “Don’t know, anything catchy I guess.” It was only until a while back I noticed that over 500 of the songs on my playlist were either rock or metal that I realized what I liked. My approach to music is still the same though, rock and metal just seem to be the most constant genres.
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Yeah, pretty much the same here... except I throw some classical and piano on that list.
hehe… I actually like Squeeze a lot, including 'Cool For Cats' (though it doesn't have Glenn Tilbrook vocals… Tilbrook is as good at pop as Halford is good at metal) AND get what is good about Jack White. There's a version of 'Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground' that guy did for Saturday Night Live which is pretty powerful… the whole thing is more in the George Thorogood zone than Randy Rhoads. I'm an old prog head myself but have some really odd influences that are no joke.
Also love Point Of Entry. 'from desert plains I bring you looooooooove…'
Everyone agrees on Paranoid, though
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See?! That's what I'm talking about!
I'm gonna have to lightly disagree with you on that, if only because if I did this list the top two spots would go to The Crimson Idol by W.A.S.P. and Welcome to Hell by Venom. Not obscure by any measure, but also not on the list of the first choices you'd expect.
Inside every pop song is a metal ballad waiting to break out
I know a way to hurt Cannibal Corpse they wouldn't like
Now, as for your actual blog post, I have issue good sir! Now I agree with much of it, I do disagree with one point
Easy
This song is the bane of my existence, is a damning indictment of all that is wrong with music today, I hope that this scrawny twerp becomes the inspiration of a Cannibal Corpse song with the help of a team of grannies and wild boars, and that girl is eating from a cone with a spoon and that angers me into a frothing rage just thinking about it. Slim whitman save me
No it didn't. Oh sure it will in the sense that it will make us all lock up teenagers in amish settlements until their 20's lest this tragedy strike again, but no, that vapid tween crap contributes nothing, and hopefully one day will collapse in on itself by its sheer force of its own suck and return to nothing