Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #38: [The Amazing Adventures of Butter Knife! (& Friends!)]! · 3:12am Nov 13th, 2019
You thought you escaped the insanity? Ho ho, just you wait. You ain't seen nothin' yet if ya haven't read this fic.
This story centers on Butter Knife, the titular fake-edgy OC who hardly ever is referred to by her real name!
I'm not sure if I should be sorry for this.
Don't be.
Meet Butter Knife. A black and blue-maned zigzag-pinstriped alicorn who happened to have all five of her biological parents brutally murdered during her adventures through the WAHOOWOOPDESHOOP...land.
How does she have five biological parents? We don't speak of that.
Also, she's terrible at stabbing things, no matter what she does.
Honestly, I think this story might do a better job of roasting itself than I can here, just because it's that level of self-aware.
Also, we shall still not speak of how she has five biological parents (who of course are all dead, because edgy).
Aaaaanyways, let's bundle you up in this happy little pink sparkly gift box with happy faces and a rainbow ribbon, put that inside a bigger, bubble-wrapped box of cacti, stuff that inside a bank vault, and then send the whole thing hurtling down into... Ponyville!
RIP Grease Needle.
"I'M GONNA TOUCH THE BOX!"
Finding Nemo reference!
I realized about three hours too late that pony creator's closest body patterning to what would amount to pinstripe was zebra stripes. Also, you look hilarious in that getup.
"What."
Exactly. ON WITH THE STORY!
ON WITH THE REVIEW!
Alright, Sharp Stuff, y'all ready for the time of your life?
"FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S KNIFE. BUTTER. KNIFE."
Yeah, yeah, and my name's Bond. James Bond.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA--"
Nope. Lemme just cut you off right there with my narration powers before you annoy the readers.
This entire thing is OC abuse: the story.
"Will there be one day when you get my name right?"
Yeah. That was first paragraph of the first chapter!
True.
"Oh, I'll make you pay one day... one night, mark my words, you'll wake up to find--"
What, your little spread knife, or that teddy bear you still sleep with sometimes?
"Sh-shut up!"
...Baka!
You done with eating your cupcakes, hungry hungry hippo?
"...Don't ever call me that again."
Alrighty then, pastry vacuum.
"Grr."
...Butter Knife yelped as she proceeded to transform abruptly into a dog. In the middle of a kindergarten class. On bring your pet to school day.
"WHAT?! TURN ME BACK!"
No.
More OC abuse! Fun!
"Where do you even pull these names out of?!"
Random name generators and the deepest pits of my own imagination. Coincidentally, that's also where you came from.
"A random name generator?"
No. The deepest pits of my imagination.
This story's probably self-aware enough to escape the bounds of Fimfiction and stab someone with a --wait for it-- butter knife.
Fine, fine, Snarkface. Geez, you don't have to get pushy about it. With sudden newfound abilities originating from a slightly-radioactive cupcake that somehow made its way into Pinkie's cupcakes, Butter Knife suddenly had the ability to transform as much as she pleased into anything she wished!
"Ha. You fool. Do you know what you've just done? With a single thought, I shall now transform myself into the most fearsome creature you will ever lay your eyes upo--"
That is... anything she wished as long as it looked adorable. Holy crap, Greased Sword, are you a cute Cthulhu?!
Kawaii x 100
"I--I don't!" Butter Knife stammered in embarrassment as she transformed back to her old alicorn self, blushing the entire time. "I-- hey! Stop narrating me and stuff!"
Butter Knife would make a great tsundere character.
A flaming streak of light crashed through the air, and straight onto Butter Knife.
"Hi! I'm Ego Boost! Oh, your colors really bring out your eyes, you know that?"
"WHYYYYYY?!" Butter Knife screamed, shaking a hoof dramatically, "WHY DO YOU PLACE SUCH A PLAGUE UNTO ME?!"
Because honestly, Lil' Shankster, I think you need a mood boost. So I made a character whose sole purpose of existing is to praise you 24/7!
Imagine if Ego Boost was real for a moment.
"Butter Knife, my love!" Ego Boost screeched sadistically, clinging to the mare's foreleg, "SING FOR THINE LOVER ONCE MORE!"
...Did I miss something? I don't remember ever characterizing you as one that was taken to singing, but I may be mistake--
"LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!"
Aaaaaaaand instant regret has just arrived.
Or did it?
Butter Knife proceeded to turn into the world's most adorable pirate, complete with her trusty sidekick Ego Boost the pony-turned-parrot perching on her shoulder.
At the same time, the sound of the Ultimate Facehoof echoed across the world.
is good enough in this review.
O hecc I just realized how many chapters there are. This ain't a story with much impact on my personal life so let's just skip around a bit!
MEET YOUR NEW FRIEND, LAWNPO!
"--RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... O hai. Waddup?"
Stabby McStabbykinz's eye twitched as she took in the terror that sat before her.
"Is... is that--"
Why, yes it is, Ego Boost! LawnPo here's our resident God of Thunder, and now a companion to you and Ego Boost!
"It's a lawnmower with a pony crammed halfway into it."
Fused halfway with a lawnmower, but I digress.
Yes, that LawnPo.
Aw, is Widdle Edgelord scared of Mister Sir Lord Master LawnPo of the Sky and the Great Heavens Above?
Actually, LawnPo's full title is Mister Sir Lord Master Overseer Presidential Emperor His Highness the Godly God of the Sky and Great Heavens Above LawnPo, the Hot-As-Balls Drummer that Thrums his Thunderous Drums of the Clouds Up Beyond! AKA MSLMOPEHHGGSGHALHABDTTDCUB! What a great name, LawnPo!
"WOULD YOU THREE STOP BUGGING ME?!" Butter Knife screeched, holding off Ego Boost by the face with one hoof as she stood on a hind leg, LawnPo the Fearsome God of Thunder circling underneath as the mare teetered on a stool.
This is the best scene to ever grace horsewords. Change my mind.
A green, bipedal, goblin-like creature with no face save for a lone question mark knocked at the door.
"GO AWAY!" Butter Knife screeched from inside.
"Come in!" Ego Boost sang.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR--" LawnPo rumbled.
Anon raised a nonexistent brow and opened the door.
"ACK!" Scaredy-Sauce screamed, leaping behind a couch, "GARGOYLE!"
Somepony's afraid of huuuuumaaaaans
SUDDENLY, MEERKATS.
An unending swarm of the tiny creatures poured from the bag, flooding the entire vacation hut... thing.
"AGCHF!" Butter Knife screeched, "THEY IN MAH MOUF!"
Ego Boost shrugged as she was crowned the queen of the meerkats and Ugandan Knuckles alike. "'Dunno about that, hottie. They sure do seem cute!"
*insert the thuds of endless meerkats dropping onto the floor here*
"LOOK BUTTER KNIFE I BUILT I GIANT CRUISE SHIP FOR THE TWO OF US AND NOW WE CAN PRETEND WE'RE ON THE TITANIC OR SOMETHING EXCEPT JACK DOESN'T DIE THIS TIME AND--"
*titanic noises intensify*
Black-and-red-eye-stabber said nothing, opting instead to continue reclining silently on her neon-pink duck floatie.
Cyanide and Happiness reference!
"I am the shadows that lurk along your wall in the dead of night, I am the dark cellar that creaks open before your eyes, I am--"
Batman. Yeah, yeah. We get it, Greasy Blades.
"WOULD YOU STOP INTERRUPTING MY MONOLOGUE?!"
No.
"WELL GET OUT. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"
...Baka!
(Or, y'know, mom/dad/parent figure)
"I am... Alicron." The pony boomed, summoning flashes of lightning from its deep, dank eyes. "I control all of the times."
"So..." Crackfic Content groaned, "You're saying that you're always in control. Like, you control all the time."
"Ya." Alicron boomed again, "I control all of the time."
Praise be Alicron, they who controls all of the times.
Nobody in Particular turned their attention to the alicorn. "Eh?" They stuffed another Bullet Bill into the cannon. "Nah, we aren't going hunting for game. We're going..."
Everybody leaned in closer to Nobody in Particular.
"HOUSE HUNTING!"
Mah favorit
But seriously. MicrAppGoo? Sounds like my crap goo, if you ask me. Are they trying to one-up YouTwitFace or something?
"Mister Narrator." Butter Knife deadpanned as she did an interwebz, "Youtube is owned by Google."
'Dunno 'bout you, Angst Sandwich, but this is my story universe, and so YouTwitFace and MicrAppGoo are competitors.
"You just admitted to being the one who decided it was a good idea for those three companies to merge."
Well, darnit.
Butter Knife pulled out a MicrAppGoo iLumiPixelPhone and started watching edgy meme videos. Because that's what all edgelords do... right?
MyCrapGoo vs. YouTwitFace 2020, the ultimate showdown of megacorporations!
Stabby Stick whipped around to find herself face-to-face with a chubby earth pony colt, of whom donned a Dorito bag as a hat. "What do you want." She deadpanned, turning back to focus on watching the carnage of an enraged Alicron chasing Anon after the alicorn's lawn was mowed just .0000000167 seconds too late. All the while Ego Boost continued to fawn over the pimped-out Alicorn of Time.
The chubby pony bowed, tipping the crusty Dorito bag as he ignored the crumbs that tumbled out. "I only wish to teach myself the ways of your culture, ma'am."
Butter Knife snorted. "Well, you're ma'am up the wrong pony. Go bother Ego Boost or something. Heck, take on LawnPo for all I care."
The colt shook his head. "Neigh," he neighed, "The ones you call Ego Boost and LawnPo are lesser beings. You, however, are the epitome of grace and existence. Your horny top-hat brings great joy to my eyes, as do the silver and gold that you don atop your red-and-black coat."
Dead Parents raised a brow.
"I am greatly sorrowed if I may have offended you, Great Pony of Edge," The colt bowed again, "For I have entirely forgotten to introduce myself. I am the Pony of Culture, as you can already tell by my magnificent hat. Though, you may call me Bob. I come from--"
"You do realize that your hat is a crusty bag of Doritos, right?"
Bob gasped. "Do not insult the Pony of Culture's great culture!"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just don't tempt me to stab you or anything if you stick around."
The Pony of Culture's eyes lit up. "Why yes, I won't forget such wise words! Um... may I call you senpai?"
Butter Knife froze in horror.
This entire chapter is just one giant comment on an entire population of people. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*Explosion noises*
BOOM
"Butter Knife..." Ego Boost whispered, appearing beside the mare, "Look up at the sky... It's amazing, isn't it?"
Butter Knife remained silent.
"JUST LIKE YOUR FACE, BUTTERY! IT'S SO GLAAAAAAAAAMOUROUS!"
Butter Knife facehoofed.
Just when you thought you'd be ready to ship it, too.
"What about the Pony of Culture?" Stabby-Stabberkins mused, putting her sunglasses back on and shoving Ego Boost aside.
Oh, that guy? I shoved the poor sap back through the portal that he came through. He was crying into his Dorito bag.
*Crying into a Dorito bag noises*
Welp. That's all, folks! Now I'ma do a character spotlight. Don't mind me.
I have so many comments for so many parts of this review so I'm just gonna forget all that and say;
Eyy, we finally got to Butter Finger's story!