I'm an alcoholic. · 5:33pm Oct 16th, 2019
Hi everyone. I promise this isn't another "Arwhale wants to die" post, but damn if it isn't another fucking "Arwhale is a depressed motherfucker" post.
Sooooo I'm now a literal alcoholic as of the past two months. This is the wine I've consumed since September 10:
NOT DEPICTED: an empty box of wine equalling 4 bottles, two more bottles of cheap wine, and about a half dozen Yuengling beer bottles. Oh, and an empty bottle of rum = 5 drinks and an empty whisky bottle = ~15 drinks.
It's bad. It's sooo fucking bad. I've only been sober now for 3 days, and I straight up have withdrawals. No delirium tremens or anything, but shivering? Insomnia? Yep. All of it. I'm not going to the hospital, though. I can make it. The worst is here and my heart rate is still not getting over 120 bpm, so I'm gonna stick it through. I also am medicating with trazodone which slows shit down, too. Should I go to the hospital? Yeah, probably. But I won't. I refuse to garner any more medical bills.
Oh, and I also weigh 250 pounds when two years ago, I weighed 185. Thanks for nothing, ME. Fuck. Honestly though, two of these past nights I would have ended up dead if I was still 185. Two bottles of wine and four shots of whiskey do not equal a good time.
My whole extended family are alcoholics. This shit runs in my genes, and that's why I didn't even have my first drink until 22. And even then, I've NEVER drank like this until the past two months. I've gotten drunk a few times before now, but not literally shitfaced to the point of puking almost every night. All of the alcohol I've consumed in that photo has been from the past month. It's a disgrace. I'm ashamed, I'm pathetic, and I'm all alone. The bottle doesn't even comfort me anymore. It makes everything so much worse. I've delved into my savings to buy all that fucking wine and alcohol, and now I'm almost 600 dollars in the hole. I still have plenty of money left, but if I don't stop this I'm going to run out before l know it. The grocery store clerk saw me buying more wine a few days ago and actually, I shit you not, made a comment about how much wine I've been purchasing. It's horrendous, and I need to be better.
I won't die, even though I know that alcohol withdrawal is one of the only ones that can kill you. I refuse. Fuck it all. Fuck alcohol, fuck being drunk, fuck my past, fuck my present, fuck it all. I'll stay alive and I don't give a FUCK.
Dude, get to a hospital. You can't take these things on your own. Substance abuse runs in my family as well and it takes a team effort to overcome.
5140736
I can't afford to, literally. I already refused to let my dad hold the last medical bills over my head and sent him a check for the costs out of pocket, and I can't do it again without risking my rent. I haven't been doing it for more than a couple of months so I should be okay. I feel like absolute shit but I'm gonna stick through it. Sorry, I know it's not the wisest move, but I can't go.
5140765
That sucks. There are church groups that can help even if you're not religious.
5140768
I honestly might go to one.
On the one hand, the way you described it, it looks bad - especially the shivering. On the other hand, the amount of alcohol in that picture would last 2-3 DAYS for a real alcoholic, not a MONTH. Of course, that's coming from Poland, you know, the country where this happens for real:
https://9gag.com/gag/aKVXyP3/you-know-that-joke-about-deadly-alcohol-dose-and-that-doesnt-concern-poland-and-russia
So that may be somewhat askew...
Still, the way you described it, it seems you hit what we call 'ciąg alkoholowy' - it usually last anywhere from a week to a few months. The good news is that once stopped, you can generally go sober for months. The bad news is, you may require some help to get it to stop (although, that's for people that already went over the edge, you're far, FAR away from that point, so you may be able to do it alone).
My question is, what triggered this? I mean, I probably know what, but was it just the stress? If so, are you having similar stressful problems right now, or is it that you just can't stop
?
5140736
Um, am I missing something
? What would be the role of the hospital here? Like a rehab or something?
Fuck, I'm sorry man. That's awful.
I still struggle with not drinking all the time. I hope you get through this. I know you say you can't, but if it gets really bad you just gotta go to the hospital. Even if you think you can't afford it. Better to be in debt than dead.
5140781
I'm hoping it's just minor withdrawal, but I've been having shakes and my heart is racing, I didn't get any sleep last night and typing is janky. I don't have any hallucinations or anything though. Sorry man, I'm not as used to alcohol and I don't think my tolerance is high, but I've been averaging maybe 10 drinks per day for a while. Sometimes more, sometimes a little less. I've been craving it from sunup to sundown and it's been hard to stop. Having time off and still having writer's block and not being useful or productive led to this shit, among other things. I feel like I'm losing all of the people I had left in my life when I decided to drop my program and I've just been drinking myself stupid.
5140817
I did it to myself. Sorry to hear that you have struggled with this stuff, too. If it gets really bad I might go, but I'm going to avoid it if I can. I'm telling myself that I won't have to since I've only been drinking a lot for two months or so. While I can't sleep, I've been trying to write some and I've gotten a bit down on the page, too. Keeping my mind occupied.
5140840
The way you describe it, it's one of those vicious little circles. To bring up one of my favorite quotes from 'The Little Prince':
In your case, you seem to drink because you feel bad, and when you get sober, you feel bad that you drank, so... you drink again. Ironically, since alcohol is a goddamn depressant, the euphoria can quickly turn into a depression.
Two ideas that come to my mind:
- The next time you have an urge to grab the bottle, go for a walk, like an hour or longer. Running would be even better. I always found exercise, even light one, to clear my head.
- And while you're walking, maybe make a trip to the local animal shelter and take a look at pets there.
Seriously, I know how that sounds, but a pet can do wonders when it comes to stress relief. Cats are especially good at this. Whether it's a kitten or an older one, having a pouring furball next to you makes beats any booze
.
If you live alone, I would urge you to at least consider adoption
5140840
We're all standing with you. Some of us have fallen into the trenches too, and are there fighting with you.
This story I have relayed exactly one other place, and the blog that contains that comment is now gone. A few semesters back, my depression from college came back. I countered this with looking at pics of pony ships I liked. When the depression got worse, I moved on from cuddling pics to more mature stuff, and before I knew it, I was... "enjoying" it more nights than not. Now, my data "plan" is more of a pay-as-you-go type of deal, so data is money to me. I had just added a gig to my phone around the same time I got a privacy screen put on my phone. A gigabyte of data normally lasts for three weeks to a month. With a new, darker screen on my phone and fresh data to spend, the stars aligned just wrong and I discovered a new site. I used 75% of my data for the month in a single night.
That next morning was horrible. I felt like a human-shaped pile of shit. Worse than shit. At least shit will fertilize the ground and make plants grow. I determined right then my pattern had to stop. I decided to set myself a spending limit per week or per month, and so far not only have I stayed within my limits for adult uses for data, but I've been under these past two weeks. Maybe it'd work for you, too.
As for the loneliness, I'd echo the thoughts of 5140854 and encourage you to get a pet. But keep in mind that any pet is like a child in terms of responsibility, and not to be taken lightly. (And I also don't know what kind of allergies you have, if any, which may limit your choices. Or landlord's orders.)
Just to add to what 5140878 said. Yes, having a pet means responsibility, but I do have a (second hand) comparison between a baby and a dozen cats, and they're not nearly as demanding (the screams, the screams!
). Frankly, as long as the litter box is clean, and their bowl is full, they'll spent most of the time sleeping 
Of course if some disease strike, that means costs, but I think that even in the USA, those costs are quite low compared to the cost of treating a human.
I'm just saying to consider it if possible, that's all (and, you can always take something smaller, like a mouse or a hamster).
Damn, that really sucks to hear. This isn't something that I have much experience with so I don't really have much advice for you. have you checked what medical services your school provides? My university has a bunch of free and low cost stuff available. There also may be some more free/cheap resources available considering this is withdrawal.
A pet isn't a bad idea, but could be a lot of work and responsibility. There may be some lower cost and maintenance ones like hamsters, guinea pigs, and so on if something like a cat or dog is to much or isn't allowed.
Remember, we all care about you and we're here to help you through this however we can. Keep us updated,
5140854
Yep, that cycle sounds like me lately. Pretty much me to a T.
I think taking a walk would serve me well. It would help keep the edge off while also helping me to lose weight. Best of both worlds! I cannot afford a pet yet, though. I'm also allergic to cats.
Maybe in the future I'll adopt, though.
5140878
I've struggled with this sort of thing in the past, too. Not much right now, but I know what you mean. It saps you of life in a whole different way to alcohol. It's not worse or better, honestly, just... different. Thank you for sharing.
5141053
I appreciate the support, man. Thank you. Unfortunately, my university would send me to the hospital for alcohol related stuff pretty much right off the bat, guaranteed. I did, however, take a shot of whiskey last night to take the edge off, and along with some (read: A LOT) of sleep aids, I managed to get sleep last night. This is, so far, the best I've felt in at least a couple of weeks. Still shaking, though.
5141217
Damn, allergy's a bitch
, but it depends on the severity. My mom is allergic, for example, but it wasn't much of a problem when my cat was still with us (she sneezed somewhat, but not much else).
If yours allergy is severe, then I think sphinxes are hypoallergenic:
joyofsphynx.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Mary-Jane-4-weeks.jpg
Whether you find them cute or ugly, it's up to you
5141217
That's unfortunate, I was hoping the school would have some more resources available. Weaning off of alcohol isn't a bad idea, i'd look into that if you haven't already. I'm not an expert though. i'm glad you managed to get some sleep. Good luck, I hope you're past the worst of the symptoms and the rest pass quickly.
5141276
I get pretty sneezy for the rest of the day and my eyes puff up, so something like a Sphinx would be ideal. I think they're cute.
5141374
You know, I haven't looked into options for my university specifically, but if I communicated with them that I was having withdrawals they would send me to the hospital. However, if I was more interested in general alcohol counseling or something, maybe they would have something? I dunno. I could ask.
Close to five days sober, woohoo! And the symptoms aren't as bad now. I am not worried like I used to be that symptoms were continuing to get worse and worse and now they seem to be on a downswing. I'm amazed by how much I'm still wanting alcohol, though.
5141779
general alcohol counseling would be a good idea. It doesn't hurt to ask. Even if they can't help you, they probably can point you in the right direction.
5 days is good. Every day is a win. As I understand it, cravings are normal when you're experiencing physical withdrawal symptoms. Hopefully, it'll reduce as those symptoms go away. And i'm glad to hear it sounds like the symptoms are getting better. Hopefully the worst of it is over.