I need to sit down and think how I can keep going.

This is not a retirement announcement. I have no plans and no desire to stop writing ponyfics. Getting that out of the way first, before anyone starts panicking. So, "Dreamwalker Dash" will definitely get continued once the last of the current chapters is fully revised.
This is about something else. I need to do some in-depth thinking how I can go on.

Living is anything but easy for me right now. If you followed my blog entries a few months ago, you'll remember that I'm trapped in the situation that my best and only friend (and also the only friend I really desire having, I'm not someone who needs a group of friends to feel good and she is perfect in every regards) essentially distances herself from me because mental problems I had and the behavior that resulted from them led her to believe that I'm an abusive person. Which naturally makes her scared of me, as she has dealt with actual abuse in her past before she met me.
This is happening and it is the main reason for why I'm having such heavy depressions. The approaching end of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic contributes to it, too, but compared to how my friend distances herself from me, it even takes a backseat and has to be content with being on second place. That is how special she is and how important she is to me.
Of course I'm not giving up. I'm vying for her attention constantly and send signals that it's safe to trust me, that I'm not an abuser and that my mental problems that brought us into this situation are over, all in the hopes that it sparks something in her and that she will realize that I won't be hurting her if she returns. But I haven't gotten a response and as far as I can tell from her Steam profile (the only place I can currently contact her at), she hasn't been online since August 31st. Which also triggers new fears of mine that she actually killed herself this time. That's the longest absence from Steam ever since she became active there a couple months ago. But even if she is still alive, the entire situation is stuck between a rock and a hard place. The hardest rock and the hardest place ever. And that painful situation is severely weakening me.

I can still keep going. I've always been a strong person who dealt with hardships rather easily, by focusing on work, finding distractions and pretty much toughing out the pain until it's gone. For instance, I feel that I'm strong enough to sit down right now and to finish the revision of "Dreamwalker Dash" and then write out the next chapter, proofread it, fix errors and then upload it here, all in one go, until tiredness overwhelms me and I fall asleep. I've always been good at pushing myself to limits and beyond them when I cared about doing something.
But the problem is that, for the first time in my life, this strength is receding. I could keep going. I feel that I can do everything I have planned and that the strength for that is there aplenty. But doing that would happen with that constant feeling of loneliness and loss in the background of my mind. While I am productive and get things done, the feeling would be there and slowly drain me until nothing is left.
I can be productive, the overall energy and passion needed for that is there. But in doing so, I feel like a machine lately. A strong machine that is designed to work efficiently under harsh circumstances. And that is the problem, actually. I can be productive and work on my goals, but there is that figurative voice in my head that asks:

Why?

Lately, I'm having trouble to understand for what I even keep going. What drives me and what motivates me to continue. Because, obviously there is something that keeps me going. If that weren't the case, I would have already killed myself and ended the pain. But I don't know what it is.
Is it my hope that I can still get her back, still prove to her that I'm not what she thinks I am and re-earn her trust that way? Is it my fics that keep me going, the passion I feel for them, the desire to write out the ideas I have? Or just some ingrained belief that it's always worth going on no matter how bleak it looks, because human society trains you to think that killing yourself is wrong, that giving up is wrong?
I don't know what keeps me going, but something is there. And I need to find out what it is. Because the way I keep going right now is one I won't be able to keep up for much longer, I can feel that clearly. Right now, the strategy is merely to push on. To endure the pain I feel and keep telling myself that things will get better if I just keep going and don't give up and if I don't give her and our friendship up. But today, I've realized this won't work anymore.
The loneliness I feel without her, the fear that she will leave me for good, that she will never come online and never talk to me ever again, never come back to fix our friendship together with me, my own ignorance towards the pain I feel, the constant pushing, the constant activity, the constant pressuring to keep going and be active and productive and work on my goals, while I keep asking myself why it's even worth to keep going, all of this is wearing me out. And there isn't much energy left anymore.

In the last few days, I started to lose thoughts, I can start a thought and then my mind trails off, only for me to realize a few minutes later that I didn't end the thought I just began. Then I pick it up again and the same happens. It is very hard for me to think something all the way to the end, right now. And I have severe memory losses on top of that. All that is a result of problems with concentrating myself, because I'm running low on energy and because my mind is seriously pondering what's it all worth.
Pushing myself through the pain depletes me and I don't want to find out what happens once all the energy and all the strength I have are gone completely. But I also can't take breaks all the time. I had so many of them in the last couple months. I want to be productive, I want to keep writing "Dreamwalker Dash" and making the great plans I have for it a reality, I want to write my story for Kettle Corn, I want to keep exploring Cozy Glow's mind. I even want to practice drawing more often soon, to expand my range of work and my storytelling to visual stories, too, long pony comic series that I have ideas for. And, most of all, I want to fix and repair the damaged friendship I'm a part of, because what I already know is that I can't and don't want to be going without her. So, sitting idly by and waiting for the strength to return eventually isn't a solution either. Especially because proving to her that I'm still trustworthy will very likely take many months, maybe even a year from now on. I can't be inactive for that long.

So, what I need is a different strategy. Right now, I feel I can decide between two options only, destruction or stagnation. And I need to find a middleground between these two things. Something that bewares me from complete stagnation, but that also doesn't wear me out and suck my strength.
I need to sit down and find answers on two questions for that: What motivates me to keep going and to not give up? And how can I deal with this pain better than simply pushing through it?
I don't expect this to take longer than today. I don't think it will take more than this one day before I can go back to writing. But just in case it should take a little longer, I wanted to let you know why I'm silent.
I don't want anyone to think that I'm a dead author and to lose interest in my stories because of that. Because that's not true. I just need to figure out a strategy that allows me to keep going until the problems are solved without exhausting myself. You'll hear from me soon.

Stay easy as a filly!

~ Fluttercheer

Comments

[Bronycommander]

Now that's the spirit! I'll be if you need me. And take your time with the PM, I just want to keep you up to date.

[NovemberDragon]

Its a hard time for you and I may understand it. What constrain people to keep going: their ideas and hopes? I don`t no, but something everithing lead out us of a blind lead - mystery, but it works. How can I think about what is it - its friends, good memories and yourself. Projects, creations, ideas - who if not me? Yeah, it is intimate pride, and for me its a good side. And of course - love yourself.
I like some of your stories, and be waiting of their continue. Time is a great healer!