Getting Real · 10:25am Aug 13th, 2019
I'm about to get really, really real here guys. So if You don't want to read my venting, stop reading now. Okay? Okay.
I cannot stand myself.
I literally hate myself every time I see me. Every day I look at myself in the mirror, and all I think is, You are a pathetic coward. I live in a house with my Mom, Dad, and my Uncle. And every day, everybody is mad at each other for something. Well, okay, my mom doesn't get angry but she does get disappointed and that's almost as bad. My Uncle and Dad scream at each other and on more than one occasion have tried to strangle each other in front of me. My Dad gets on my case about things like checking the mail daily even though I rarely get anything. And my Uncle relentlessly picks at every mistake I make. I didn't close my door in the morning, I woke him up by using the bathroom down the hall, I didn't put water in the fridge before taking the last one out. I am stupid, lazy, dumb- there's an endless list of names. Every day, in and out. My confidence is shot to hell. And I honestly wish I were dead than to live one more second of my life walking on eggshells.
I have no way out of this house. The only time I ever leave is for appointments at my clinic. And they don't last long enough. And even when I do go I am anxious to get back because my dog will be alone with my Dad and Uncle, and they've been known to kick dogs (Heartless bastards they are). Both the cars are gone so my parents can work, and even then, I can't drive. I'm always broke and even though I'm job hunting I've turned up squat. I can't even afford to eat a nice meal once in a while. I'm too busy trying to pay off debt. I'm never going to get to Pensacola and be free of all this drama.
Every day in my house, I am a prisoner. I'm afraid to leave my room. The entire side of my bed is littered with snacks because I'm too afraid to go to the kitchen to get real food. Just going down the hall to the bathroom requires a battle plan. I don't leave. I'm chained there. And if I speak up, and try to stand up for myself, It all goes unheard. My voice doesn't matter there. I don't matter. There is no respect. There's just my dad and my uncle screaming at each other and screaming at me and screaming at my mom. And I've asked my Mom why she just doesn't get a divorce or kick my Dad out, and her answer is the same every time: Because she still loves my dad. And why not for my uncle: Because he would have no where else to go and because she thinks my dad wouldn't be able to stand being without him (because they're so codependent). And she can't live with that on her conscience. She can, however, live with the fact that I'm tortured every day while she's at work. She knows it, she hates it, but she won't change it. How awesome.
I can't look at myself without feeling disgust. I know that I'm living in this horrible, toxic, abusive environment, but I have nowhere else to go. None of my friends have spare rooms, and every time I've tried to get housing through my clinic, it's fallen through. I feel like Gallus did in that room where everything was shrinking except in my case I have literally tried every conceivable thing I can think of to get the hell out of there, and nothing has worked. The room just keeps shrinking.
I've given so much of myself to try and help other people cope with their feelings and listen on their bad days, and I think I'm only just realizing that there isn't anyone close to me who I feel I can talk to on mine that I know would straight up come to my house and get me the hell out of dodge. I have plenty of friends who listen, but none close enough to help me. Hell, I don't even know how to help me, so why should they? I've thought about finding a homeless shelter, but I couldn't leave my dog to fend for himself in this mess. It just isn't fair to him. He misses me so much when I'm gone and with my mom at work now he'd be left with men and ignored, and that isn't fair. He deserves better than that. God only knows he's the only thing I can count on to be happy to see me when I get home.
I just want to find a way out. I have no idea how to get out of this hell hole. Every job I've applied for has been rejected, every housing application denied, and every possible strategy for exit full of complications and consequences. I don't know what to do anymore. The only thing I do know for certain is that If I stay here and keep living like this, I am going to die here. I can't live this way forever. I'm already starting to lose it. I can hardly tell what's real and what isn't anymore, I have dreams so vivid I can't tell I'm awake, My schizophrenia is going crazy, and my depression barely lets me function. If something doesn't change soon... I don't know how I'll survive.
My husband lost his job of three years two weeks ago, and you guys already know my baby girl's situation. My mom can't afford to pay the internet bill, my dad is having work problems, and my Uncle is a bitter man who enjoys nothing more than making me miserable. The lives of everybody I know are in the toilet, and mine is too. And I've been so busy trying to help them I forgot about me. Maybe, though, that was a good thing, because now with it hitting all at once I feel like I'm about to break.
The only thing keeping me going at this point is Pensacola. I just want to get to a better life, and I know it's waiting for me there. 1500 miles away from my toxic family. When I went to West Palm Beach (south of Pensacola by 8 hours or so) to visit my baby girl, I was there for six days. And for six days, I felt what freedom was like. Where you don't have to be scared to go to the bathroom or use the kitchen. Where you can sit in a living room and not feel like you're exposed like a hunted animal. Where you can laugh without fear. I tasted that freedom, and I need to have it again. And if I get to Pensacola, I will.
I don't know what to do now, or where I'll go. I don't know where the future will take me. But I am scared. God am I scared.
Don't be scared, we all are here for you. Hope dies last.
Do not be afraid! That is an awful situation to be in, the worst.
You can't control what others do, but don't let their awful behavior dictate yours or change who you are. This is tough, but you can get through this; persevere! Its easy to quit, hard to keep going. Doing the right thing is never easy. I will be praying for you, God Bless.
CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY!
I'm sorry but if it gets really bad, you need to do it.
5105150
I’ve done it before, but it’s never done me much good. Everyone smooths things over and acts like I’m crazy. Maybe I am. But I don’t know what I’d do even if it did work.
5105154
Oh okay, So about that.
Hope things get better.
May god bless you
"they've been known to kick dogs."
Aw, hell no.
I'm really sorry to hear about this and I wish more than anything there was something I could do to help. You really need to find some way, any way to get out of that house and escape. There are those who can help you.
I'm sorry you're going through this situation. Wish I knew what to say.
I'd have never guessed how much you were suffering on the inside as a result of the outside, Ms. rarity. Your story mirrors a lot of situations I come across and, as you know from others, can only offer an ear that will listen with no strings attached.
Often, during my hardships, I've done journals like you did here. I've had times where I felt like the torment would never end. However time and determination have managed to get me through. Though there is only so much you can do without some degree of genuine support when you are in a toxic environment that you have no power nor influence in.
It's very sad when you know the one person who could help has taken a pacifist / blind eye approach. A parent should not ever put anyone above their child. Children are our hope for the future. More importantly is how our children should, as much s truly is possible, be able to not go through the same pain we may have endured in our lives.
Then again, sadly, there is only so much you can control. Finding sources of positive reinforcement is difficult. Even moreso when people who are supposed to care absolutely do not care and take their misery out on you.
By any chance would you be eligible for SSI or SSDI? These helped me during the worst of times until I could start to pick myself up once more.
Until a solution can be found, please know you should share these feelings in the way you just did. Not doing so will make depression worse. I know this from my own experience. Also, and it may work for you, writing these journals is kind of like having a therapy session that is on your time instead of in need of scheduling.
You also can write stories in which you can have power in this sort of situation. I've had a number of life traumas that have left some big scars. However I have found that taking my character, or a character you may like, and putting them in a similar circumstance in a story can really help. It, for me, helped provide some hope when my determination was running dangerously low.
The most important thing is to try and not look into mirrors. You did not create this situation. You also did not ask for this situation. As you said you are a 'prisoner' who is seeking refuge from something awful that is not of your own making.
Do not be disgusted with yourself. Remember that 'you' are a good person who has much to give on top of all you have given through your talents. I know you helped me during a really dark time just a few months ago. I couldn't write as I was trying to juggle having my eye removed, my job, my mom needing brain surgery, and the finalization of my divorce as my wife had 'fallen out of love with me'. When you wrote those stories for me it really helped a lot. I wish I could do better in keeping up with all you've written but I'm just now settling down and may, again, have a big change at work.
However this is about you and not me. I merely want to say how you definitely have influenced a lot of people in very positive ways through your work. You are a wonderful person who should not ever self-loathe over situations beyond your control. You never asked for this situation to be your life and should not ever punish yourself for factors that you are not in control of.
My therapist told me something very important when I was at a super-low as a result of being bullied out of my previous job via toxic work environment. She said, "You know what you do and you know what you try to do. However, in the end, nobody can give or take accomplishments away from you that you know you yourself did achieve. Moreover you cannot control what others do as we can influence, at best. So never let anyone take away what you know makes you special."
This is abridged but, honestly, those in your house that say horrible things may be huge bullies but they do not define you. You define you. Try your best to never let their insults take away from what you, and others very close to you, know. This being you are a kindhearted and talented person who has much happiness ahead when the right door finally becomes open. waiting for this opening is awful but, from experience, it does.
Be well and know I'm rooting for you!